Ramdom purgings from my head today

Christmas last night with my family was a lot of fun. The beer was a huge success and got a great laugh from my brother. It was good to get to spend time with him, but as always, it was too short, and too fast and never enough.

Wide awake this morning at 4:30 (Batman alarm time) and at 5:00 I gave up the fight, and got out of bed. Made coffee, and looked at the pictures taken last night. By 6:00 Newt had joined me and since I had help, I jumped on the energy that had been bubbling under the surface, and down came the tree. Decorations off, lights off, all put away in boxes, and the tree taken down, and put in the box to be used again next year. Yes, it would have been easier to haul it to the curb, but it was raining and chilly this morning, so, into the box it went.

The holidays are over at my house, with the exception of finding places for the new goodies. With the kids gone this whole next week, I will have plenty of time to clean their rooms and sort the stuff out and find places for everything.

I have this urge, need, whatever you want to call it, to clean everything. Purge all of the old, unnecessary garbage and baggage from my life, and start the new year, lighter, happier, cleaner, fresher, freer from my past. I have freed myself from the forces of evil, now it's time to free myself from the reminders of love not found. Time to stop holding on to things that didn't work, that fell apart, that really didn't exist in the first place. When I step into my new life, I want to do it, as just me. Not me and parts of the Knuckleheads, or bits of Boo, or reminders of Mr. Wonderful. My new life will be me and my girls. I pray Batman will be there waiting.

I saw on the news last night that Saddam Hussein was hanged and is dead. To me it was really anticlimatic. Is there really a sense of justice for us? Maybe there is for the people of Iraq (I truly hope so) but does his death effect us in any way? I mean, we had already stripped him of his power, he was harmless (as long as he remained imprisoned). I know that he did some terrible things, and was horrible beyond belief, and the things he did to the people of his country were unthinkable. But does his death effect us in any way? I just find it hard to get worked up about it.

Not much to post today, I have too much energy and a too pressing need to get back to the house and work my way through the junk of my life. Time to free myself from all that has been holding me back, time to claim my entire life as my own.

Christmas tonight with my little brother

Tonight will be Christmas with my family. Looking forward to seeing my brother and SIL tonight. That's always a good time. There will be side splitting laughter tonight, laughing so hard I can't catch my breath and tears rolling down my face. God I love him.

I got him the perfect Christmas/Birthday present this year too. I searched high and low for something for him. He's BIG into NASCAR, but I am always afraid I will buy him something he already has, so I shy away from that. Besides the only thing I could get him that he doesn't already have would be tickets to the Daytona 500, and thoses bad boys are MINE!

So this year, I found him the perfect present. One I know he will love, one I know he will use, and one I know he will enjoy. Yup, I bought the boy some beer! I got him a 20-pack of Bud Select. (uh, does that make us rednecks? Or Poor White trash? Gawd, I hope not!)

When I shared this little tidbit of info with Lil Sis, I got this response : LMAO. Nice. I got him a very interesting book on Guitars. But I'm not sure he reads. I mean, I know he CAN read, but I'm not sure he does. Eh well, if not, it'll make a nice coaster for the beer.

See what I'm saying about laughing my ass off? I can't wait.

My predicament

The Christmas tree is coming down this weekend if not sooner. My question is this: Do I take the decorations off, take the lights off, take the tree apart, and put everything away in their respective boxes? OR do I take the decorations off, and chuck the tree lights and all and buy all new stuff next year?

Oh, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the tree, it's in great shape, probably only 3 years old, if that. Lights are great too. I just don't want to mess with it. Hell, I'd pay someone to come in and take the damn thing down (down, as in apart or down, as in down the hill to the dumpster) whatever it takes to make it go away.

Christmas has been here, now it's gone. I'm not sure I ever really got into the Christmas spirit this year. I tiptoed around it, I teetered on the edge, but I never really got excited about it. And the thought of celebrating, yeah, just didn't thrill me. And OMG forget the shopping. ARG!

I'm just ready to get on with life, get on with stuff. Leave Christmas in the dust. I'm tired of looking back, I've got too much to look forward to right now......

The Heifer

The sitter took yesterday off as part of her Christmas vacation. Who can blame her? She just lost her husband right before Thanksgiving, and well, she could use some time off. So, since I had to work, the girls had to stay with The Heifer.

Since The Slug and I have come to an agreement about the girls, and custody, and my freedom to move, I have made a real, honest, effort to be nice to him, and accept Heifer as part of the package. But damn that bitch is making it impossible.

I got a phone call Christmas Eve from The Slug, the girls were sick. Very sick. They were running fevers, they had sore throats, and headaches. My advice? Give them some medicine, or bring them to me, and I’ll take care of them. He starts bitching “I haven’t had my Christmas with them yet, and I’m not going to give that up.” Fine. Then give them some medicine. In the background I hear that bitch yelling, “You two really need to take these girls to the ER right now. Don’t ask questions, just get them to the hospital!” Ok, bitch (and believe me there were other, more foul names spewing out of my mouth towards her at this point.) I am not taking them to the ER for a fever of 100.9 and a sore throat. But if you feel so strongly that they need to be there, feel free to take them yourself, AND pay the ER bill. No? Fine, shut the fuck up.

I did call the pediatrician, who did call in an antibiotic. I got the girls and got them well on their way to healthy.

Yesterday, The Heifer had to watch the girls again, b/c the sitter took the day off. Tate had wanted a particular hat for Christmas, and Santa being a bit on the broke side on occasion, didn’t get the exact hat she wanted, but did allow her to pick one out that was very similar. The deal with this hat is, it has a beer name on the front. It’s not big, it’s not bold, it’s not gaudy, but it is there. I have promised Tate we will get a cool patch and cover it, but in the meantime, she’ll just have to make do. So, she wears said hat to Heifer’s yesterday. And when Heifer sees the hat, she totally flips out and blows a freaking gasket over it. “Oh my freaking God! What kind of mother would allow her 9 year old daughter to wear a beer hat?” (uh, the one that gave birth to her. Who the fuck are you?) Gave Tate a complex right there on the spot, and made Tate so self conscious, she refuses to wear the hat.

Last night I was so livid, I was seeing red. Where the F@#k does that bitch get off making any kind of comment about my daughter and her hat? And where does she get off making Tate feel self conscious, and horrible about her Christmas gift? I called The Slug and told him, you better reign the bitch in and muzzle her because if you can’t do it I will. I am ready to put my size 8 right up her hoity toity ass, except there seems to be a huge ass stick already up there.

I will so glad when all things are said and done, and I can move the girls away from here. The Slug supposedly told The Heifer to move out That was March of this year. She’s still there. Of course she made promises, she bought things (cable, internet, a swimming pool, dogs, guns, a new truck, you name it), she offered sexual favors, she bribed, conjoled, manipulated, and has hid behind my girls (the girls don’t want me to leave, they love me) (yeah, my girls are vigorously shaking their heads NO behind her, giving themselves whiplash, and they are running to get boxes and suitcases and throwing her stuff into them) and managed to stay put, making my girls’ life there hell. They bitch for hours every time they come home from there. Slug has told me, that this year (2007) when she gets her tax money, she is moving out. Yeah, I heard that last year, and frankly I’ll believe it when I see the trash truck hauling her shit out the fucking door.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel for me and the girls. It’s still 6 months away, but I can see it there in the distance, on the horizon. There is hope in that penpoint of light, and I cling to it desperately. I live for that day, when I can load my life up in a truck and move to a new place, start a fresh new life, without The Slug, without the Heifer, without C1, without the drama, the stress the manipulations. I live for that day……

My new bling

Yeah, I know the picture sucks, it was taken in the mirro with my phone. But see that bling, in the top of my ear? Yeah, a new piercing. My Christmas present to me.

I 'marked' the celebration of my divorce with a belly ring, and I am marking the celebration of a new level of freedom from The Slug, and getting the girls, with my new ear ring.

Christmas Recap

Christmas has come and gone at my house. The girls came home Christmas Eve afternoon, sick, very sick. But thank God for Motrin, and antibiotics, they are back among the land of the living.

With them being sick, I truly expected them to sleep at least until the butt crack of noon. My brother and sister and I were always up early Christmas morning. I mean, the clock struck 6:00 AM, we're knocking on the parents' bedroom door. My kids, who don't get excited about Christmas, don't get up early. I still do, even now. In years past, I've had to wake them up at 8:00 because I couldn't wait any longer for them to get up and open presents. So, imagine my surprise when this year, the girls were up and ready to open presents at 6:30, even though they felt and looked like death warmed over.

It was a good Christmas, even though it was small. Christmas with my dad on Friday night, brought the girls new clothes, new shoes, new boots (which the love). Bo got legos, and a RC Hummer H3. I got an awesome Kasey Kahne Sweatshirt (that I picked out myself...) and we all got our usual gifts from him, new journals, and Uno Attack. Tonight he's taking us out to dinner, before he and his wife leave town, to go have Christmas with more family.

I got a new coffee mug from Newt, and really cool green ink pen from Tate. And wreaths made out of melted hard candy.

Batman spent the weekend, sick, running a fever. Even though he talked about coming up to spend some time with us this weekend, he just couldn't muster it. He was too sick, and with the girls being sick too, he opted to stay home. He did call, several times every day this weekend, and I know that soon, we will find time to get together.

Friday night we will have Christmas again, this time with my mother, sister, brother and families. Then we will be done with Christmas, gifts, wrapping, buying, exchanging.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas!

My Holiday Letter to my Friends and Family.

The kids will be home tonight, we will go to sleep tonight knowing Santa will visit some time, and we will wake with presents under the tree. This year, Santa was poor, but will provide goodies for entertainment tomorrow and those memories will be better than anything we unwrap.

B is sick, sick, sick. Fever, chills, blah, sick. I'm thinking my Christmas Day with him, won't be happening, but not because he or I don't want it. The damn flu has him in it grip and I don't think it will be letting go any time soon. I'll wait. Believe me I'll wait.

I am visiting friends blogs today, and sending emailed Holiday Wishes to all my internet friends. May you find lots of goodies under the trees you visit this holiday season, but may the best gifts of all be the love and laughter and joy and memories from friends and family. Tell everyone you love, I love you, hug them a little tighter, laugh a little louder, smile a little bigger, and have another cookie. It's Christmas, a time for love and laughter, friends and family.

Happy Holidays to all my friends and family out there. I love you all. Thank you for all you have done for me and mine, for all you've offered, for all you've shared, for all you've given.

Christmas Wishes

I wish you could hear what you won't let me say,
I wish you could say, what I'd give anything to hear.
Three simple words, not much really, but would change my life.
All I want now is those.



*He called me Friday night after work, on our way home. We were talking about our weekend/holiday plans and schedule. I have my kids Christmas Day, he has his Christmas Eve. I told him he was welcome to come hang out with us, that he was always welcome anytime. He said he knew that, and that he just might come up Christmas Day. (And a chorus of Angels let loose with
Hallelujah! It's about time!)

Today he called, and said he was not feeling good, running a fever. You know what? It's all good. If I see him Monday, great, if not, well, it will be soon. We're dating after all.... LOL

Happy Holidays Everyone!

I don't have a cutesy title for this post....

Christmas starts for us tonight. Dinner and gifts with my father and his wife. I know there will laughter and fun, and love and joy tonight. And I will feel like an outsider looking in, because I just can't get into the holiday spirit this year. I just can't get excited, I just can't celebrate. I will fake it, gloriously, but inside I will hurt and miss him. I will smile, and laugh and from the outside I will look happy. The tears will be falling like rain inside, and my heart won't be in it, it will be with him.

I can't let go. I can't get him out of my head, or my heart, not even now. He told me yesterday he wants me, he wants to see me, spend time with me, and knows I want to be with him. Things are just crazy for him right now. He's working 11 hour days by himself, and has been for 2 weeks or longer now. There is an hour drive to work, and an hour home. There are schedules to be juggled, kids to spend time with, family celebrations to attend, and shopping to do, gifts to be wrapped. There are a million demands being made on him, and there is precious little of him to go around.

I always knew we wouldn't have this Christmas together. Don't ask me how I knew, but I knew. When his father would tell me about Christmas Eve dinner, I knew in my heart, I wouldn't be there to share it with them this year. When my brother asked me in September if B would be with us at Christmas, I told him "Yes" because I wanted to believe he would be, but in my heart, I knew at that exact minute, I was lying. Don't ask me how I knew, and believe me I wanted to be wrong.

I know that we have a future together, just like I've known other things all along. We have both seen it, in our heads, in our hearts. We've talked about it, we both wanted it. I still see it, I see new visions of our future. They are enough to hope for.

Christmas miracles. They're special, right? They happen, don't they? Have I used up my quota of miracles? I hope not. I just want one more.

Christmas Starts Tomorrow Night

Tomorrow our holiday celebrations begin. After work tomorrow night, I have to pick up the kids, pay the sitter, and rush home, as my father and his wife will be showing up for dinner and Christmas with the kids! Saturday morning I will be taking Bo to get his ear pierced as one of his gifts. The kids will then go back to the dads Saturday afternoon. I will get them all back Sunday, Christmas Eve night, so that they can wake up to presents under the tree Christmas morning.

Bo will be leaving around 2:30 Christmas afternoon, to go to his PawPaw's house for Christmas. The girls will be with me all next week. Bo will be back on the 27th, for Christmas with my mother. We will be having Christmas again with my mom on the 29th or 30th, b/c my brother and sister-in-law will be in town those two.

I need a board like they have at airports just to keep schedules of kids coming and going straight. I have incoming kids at this time on this day, and outgoing kids on this day at this time. I'm busier than O'Hare Airport this time of year. Thank God it only comes once a year, and is usually over in a week.

Christmas Tagged

I've been tagged by Junebugg at Wasted Days, Wasted Nights.

The Rules:The player of this game starts with "3 things he/she would love to get for Christmas" and also has to list "3 things he/she definitely does not want to get for Christmas". Then he/she tags 5 friends and list their names. The ones who get tagged need to write on their blogs about their Christmas wishes, as well as state this rule clearly, then tag 5 more victims. And the one who tags need to leave a comment that says "you've been Christmas tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

Three things I would love to get for Christmas.

1. This is a no brainer. I want my second chance with Batman. I want to try again, I want him back. I love him, I know he loves me. I want a second chance so we can do it right this time.

2. Anything to do with my cameras or photography. I would love a backdrop or two, or even a new lens or two for my Nikon.

3. For my friends and family alike to find happiness, for their wishes and dreams to come true.

Three things I don't want for Christmas.

1. To find there is no chance that Batman and I will ever get our second chance.

2. For the modifications that the fathers and I have agreed upon to fall through and not be granted by the courts.

3. The Flu that seems to be going around.

Tagged: Melissa, M.S., Tennessee Becky, Maven, Susie

Christmas Specials

How many of these can you name?

1. "Roast Beast is a feast I can't stand in the least"
2. "Nobody wants a CHARLIE in the Box"
3. "Happy Birthday!"
4. "I am a bank robber! I have come to rob your bank!"
5. "That's TWO! TWO worried Frogs!"
6. "It came without packages, boxes or bags."
7. "Don't forget the chocolate pot roast with smishmashio... With smiminish... With yogurt."
8. "It's not a bad little tree. All it needs is a little love!"
9. "Fog's as thick as peanut butter!"
10. "Santa doesn't leave presents under the bodhi tree!"--"Do you think we can bribe her back with Christmas?"-- "You can save more souls with roller skates and Easy Bake Ovens than you can with this 2000 page sleeping pill!"
11. "We evil magicians have to make a living too!"
12. "I heard there is no Christmas. In the silly Middle East. No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus. They have different religious beliefs..."
13. "Me I want a Hula Hoop!"
14. "Every Christmas it's all the same! I always end up playing a shepherd."
15. "Haven't I ever told you anything about Bumbles? BUMBLES Bounce!"
16. "Christmas. It's not the getting. It's not giving. It's the loving. There. I said it. Now get outta here!"

I have the answers, so don't worry, but this really isn't that hard....

Just a note

Ok, I think I made it 'round to everyone in the past day or 2 and left a comment or more on your blogs. Again, if you can't leave a comment here, I'm sorry. I hope Blogger gets it's shit together soon.

Tonight I am going 'home' again for the night. I'm going to spend the night at Batman's house. He's getting his Christmas present tonight, and well, I'm getting a little something too. *grinning* *Wink wink*. Christmas is a time for miracles, and well, I seem to be getting them in abundance this year. Thank Jiminy because I'm broke and I'm getting nothing else for Christmas. This one, I'll take, any day, every day, as often as I can.

Have a good night everyone, I'll be here in the morning.

Hallmark Sucks

I went to Halmark today at lunch, trying to find a Christmas Card to put with B's gift (he's getting it tonight BTW). You know, Hallmark has a card for almost every single occassion, reason, person, with one glaring exception.

They don't have a card that says "I fell in love with you 4 months ago, and I believe that we are meant to be together till death us do part. Except that I let my demons from my past cloud my judgement and feed my insecurities and I made a HUGE mistake. I thought I had lost you forever, but I haven't lost you completely. I'm glad we're friends and who knows what will happen someday down the road."

They have wonderful romantic, and sappy, and sweet and disgusting cards for husbands, and for lovers. They have funny, platonic, stupid cards for friends. What they don't have is a card somewhere in the middle. They don't make a card for me to give him. The one where I love him still and believe we'll work this out somehow, even though he's not so sure right now.

They really need to work on that.

Cookie Day!!!!

Every year, my mother, my sister and I and all of our kids get together to have a Cookie day. We spend as much of the day as we can possibly stand making as many different kinds of Christmas cookies as possible. This is the day the rules get thrown out the window. Want a cookie for breakfast? Fine, have 2. Whatever the kids want, they get. They help make the cookies, measuring, mixing, shaping, decorating, tasting the dough, watching the timer, staying out of the way. We not only make cookies, we make memories they will treasure.

Got all the tools of the trade out on the counter, waiting to measure, to stir, to shape, to bake, to decorate, and to start all over again.



Messes will be the norm, make a batch of cookies, make a mess, bake the cookies, clean up the mess, and start all over again, on the next batch of cookies.

Sugar, flour, eggs, butter, peanut butter, walnuts, chocolate chips, Snickers™ candy bars, everything we need to make enough cookies to make even Santa sick.

The Chefs:

Take the time to teach Bo how to read a recipe, how to measure flour, sugar. Spend time making cookies, and memories.

With every spoon of flour added, is also a dash, a pinch a sprinkle of love.



Apparently there was just enough ‘love’ added to that dough to make the three of them work together to shape the cookies.

Chocolate Crinkles

Chocolate chip/toffee cookies

Lined up like soldiers, marching off to be baked.

Sugar cookies, decorated with holiday sprinkles, waiting to bring smiles to the little ones waiting for mom to say “Cookies are done!”

At the end of the day, we have more cookies than we can possibly eat, but it's the holidays. The mom's are exhausted, the kids are bouncing on sugar highs. The messes are cleaned up, the dishes all washed, the flour, the sugar, the eggs and butter all put away. There will be a wide assortment of cookies for days to come. There will be memories to last a lifetime.

I got part of my Christmas

Batman and I have been exchanging emails this afternoon, talking about when we can get together, and who has kids when, and schedules (yes, I know, terribly romantic, but hey, we're both single parents, we have to juggle).

I mentioned to him, "It's a fairly sure bet I won't be getting the earrings I wanted from you for Christmas this year, huh?" (Notice, I said this year? That leaves it open to the possibility I'll get them next year. Yeah, right) So, I have something I would like from you, that won't kill you, won't break the bank and it would mean so much to me.

This past summer, we took a photography road trip. I had this need to shoot some pictures, and asked him to take me somewhere so that I could. On the road trip, he shared with me the perfect place he wanted to take me someday to shoot pictures. We never made it there. Cold weather, kids, life got in the way. So I told him, "You promised me that you would take me to St. Charles some day, so that I could take pictures. I still want to have that day with you, just wandering around, taking pictures, hanging out. I know it will have to wait till spring, and that's ok, I can wait. But I want that day with you, and I want those pictures, but I want them with you."
"Deal, I promise."
"Oh, and if you felt the need to throw in dinner, and maybe a whole night filled with some incredible.." (Well, you get the idea, I won't get graphic or gross), "then who am I to say no to that?"
"You may need to twist my arm, but I think we can arrange that."

So, I'm not getting my earrings this year for Christmas, but I am getting something that will mean a whole lot more to me. I am getting a day with him, full of memories, a day to share my passion with him (a passion that he fully understands). I'm getting pictures, a day, memories, time. I'm getting my heart and soul fed. I'm getting B. (at least for a little while)

I can't wait till Spring.

Dear Santa, part duex

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year, is a second chance with him. I promise to be very, very good.

Love,
Me

Christmas Slide Show

Holiday Pictures

These are a few of the pictures taken this weekend that WON'T be going out in the Christmas cards this year.

Sorry, this is a crappy post. There will be a better post later... I promise