Riddle me this. Why do I bother?

I'm trying to put good karma out in the universe.

Newt is very excited about reading a whole book all by herself last night. I wanted her father to know up front so he could feign the proper amount of excitement and praise for her efforts. It's a big deal to her, and he needs time to practice his I-give-a-shit look. (sad really)

Tate's birthday is tomorrow. She waited until this morning to tell me she wanted to take goodies to school for her class. Well, hell, I can work miracles, but cookies/brownies, and goodie bags complete with stickers, and balloons and candy and pencils are just not flowing abundantly out of my back side at the moment. I just couldn't do it with a mere 15 minute warning. So, it was high drama today. Until I explained to her the glory of having a birthday that falls on a weekend. Besides the obvious (longer recover time) she can celebrate either Friday OR Monday. And now that I know this is a life or death situation, I can come up with some fantabulously awesome goodies by Monday and have them there before school starts.

I tried to explain this to The Slug too, how he has breezed by, once again, and had avoided having to participate in anything remotely birthday or parentally aligned. I would once again be handling all the birthday details for school, so he wouldn't have to strain himself (or spend a dime of his precious money) to do anything for her.

What did I get for my efforts?

Jack shit.

Nothing.

"Uh, why did you bother me with this shit?"

Exactly.

An Open Letter to The Slug

Dear Slug,

I’m going to try and explain this as slowly and calmly as I can, so that you can grasp the full meaning of what I am about to tell you.

I am not to blame for the problems in your life. You can not go around blaming me for the fact that your life is not going the way you want it to. You give me way too much credit. First, I don’t have any power in your life, I don’t control the things around you. Second, I don’t care enough to be that involved or that informed with your life. I just don’t.

Having said that, can I ask a simple question? Is it possible that CSE is garnishing your wages and holding your tax refunds because maybe you actually owe all that child support? Is it possible that when you don’t send the girls any money for a month, it’s safe to say no one else does either and therefore the child support goes unpaid. And is it also possible that every month that the child support goes unpaid, it adds up until you are over $2000 behind and I’m left with no other option but to get it from you before you spend it on yourself?

I will admit that I foolishly believed you when you told me you would send me money every Friday if I would not garnish your wages. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, even though my past experiences with you told me this was a trick and wouldn’t last. You foolishly didn’t listen and didn’t believe me when I told you I would not garnish your wages if you paid me every week, but the first time you missed a payment, the very first week you didn’t send money I would call CSE. You missed a week, I made a phone call.

You asked me today how I expected you to live on half a paycheck. Again, I’m sorry, but that really is not my concern, nor is it my problem. The truth of the matter is, you wouldn’t be in this predicament at all if you had just paid your child support on time, all along. How is this predicament my fault? Yes, I did call CSE, but you didn’t pay your child support.

I’ll even do you one better. That week you missed a payment? If you had called me a couple of days earlier and explained the whole situation to me, I would have been willing to work out some kind of arrangement with you. I truly meant it when I said I was done fighting with you and wanted us to find a way to get along and work things out. Instead, you called me after the payment was due (and not paid) and told me “I’m not sending any money, so do whatever you have to do.” You really left me with no choice but to hold up my end of the agreement. Don’t believe me that I would have worked something out with you? Did you not call me two weeks prior and ask me if you could send a reduced amount that week so that you could have gas money? Did I not agree to that without a fight, a fuss, or even pouting? I readily agreed, because you called upfront and asked without looking for a fight.

The girls get told, If you do that, this will happen. And we follow through with it. Same goes for you. I told you, if you do that, this would happen. I had to follow through. If I let is slide one time, you would try again and again.

I am sure you think that not paying your child support somehow hurts me. Frankly, not really. I manage to get all the bills paid on time, every month. I manage to make sure the girls have lunch money and clothes and shoes and everything they absolutely need. It’s the extra things, like a back up pair of shoes, or trips to the movies with their friends, or dinner out on special occasions, or movies and pizza nights on weekends, books from book clubs at school, the latest and greatest hair ponies, the things that make girls..well, girls that they don’t have because well, I don’t have the child support you’re supposed to be sending.

That money isn’t my money. It’s for the girls. Truth be told, you don’t even pay me enough to pay the sitter for watching them after school. The girls are truly missing out on a lot of things because I just don’t have the money for it.

So, do you see what I’m saying here? This predicament you’re in right now with CSE holding your tax refunds, and now taking half your paycheck isn’t my fault at all. You made this mess. You did this, in a misguided attempt to hurt me and make me suffer. I do not control your life, and I am not to blame for your unhappiness. I have my own life to live, I can’t be bothered with trying to control yours too.

Just pay the child support you owe your daughters, and get on with your life. Our life together is over. I’m never coming back. Stop hopping and dreaming I will. You have never given me a reason to consider coming back, but you continually remind me why I left. Let it go, move on, find happiness. It is not with me.

And pay your child support.

Calgon take me away.....

Is there a short bus to reality? Is there any bus to reality? Uh, could someone please get Slug a ticket?

I often wonder what color the sky is in his world. And how horrible it must be to live in a place where everyone is out to get you and screw you over and keep you down. Yes, The Man is keeping The Slug down.

I'm trying really hard (don't laugh...I am) to find sympathy for him, but uh, yeah, I'm falling a bit short. Ok a lot.

All of my bloggity friends know that he's behind in his child support. (Now $1638) From reading my previous posts here and here, we all know that Slug and I had and agreement that he would pay me every Friday. If he missed 1 payment I would call CSE and garnish his wages. He did. I did. Now he's pissed. Because apparently I wasn't supposed to really hold up my end of the agreement.

See, it turns out that the paperwork got put through the week after he missed his first payment. HMMM. I wonder why? Oh, yeah, The Man is holding him down. The Man is out to get him. The Man is screwing him over. Yeah, couldn't be b/c he's screwing his daughters (who, let's review...mean the world to him) out of money that is rightfully theirs.

He's going to call CSE today and chew their asses for holding on to his money. (I guess he thinks they will release it and he'll get it?) Which is fine. I hope he does call them, and gets them to release that $$, I'll get it that much sooner. He's going to chew their asses because they are taking half his paycheck to cover his child support obligation. He had the gall to ask me "How am I supposed to live on half a paycheck?" Uh the same way you have expected me and your daughters to live without any child support.

If he doesn't get the answers he wants at CSE, he's going to the State to complain.

I seriously don't know what he expects to get or what he expects to happen. The man OWES us $1600+ in child support. CSE is going to make sure we get it. All the bitching in the world isn't going to get that money away from CSE and give it to him. He owes back child support in the amount of $1638 and next week it will go up to $2088.

My horoscope today is: This situation should come labeled with a big Handle with Care sticker. Unfortunately, things are rarely that obvious. It's up to you and your amazing sensitivity to sniff them out and defuse things.

Why is it always up to me?

My glamorous life, who wants to be just like me?

The Blog party continues. We are (at last count) 565 strong, but I'm sure it will be growing. I don't know how anyone who reads any blogs at all could miss out on this. There are banners flying everywhere.

So, I decided to check out how many new hits I had to my blog this morning, and while I was there I would find out who among my friends had come by too.

Yeah, turns out my past is still lurking in my life. ARGH

I know, this is a public blog, and it's posted on the Internet for the entire free world to see. That's fine. I could protect it, but then I would miss out on meeting so many new, cool and exciting people. I guess what bothers me the most is the fact that I have worked hard and been through all kinds of hell to get my life free from my past, and yet, they still lurk and stalk me, even here. Is there no part of my life that they can just leave alone?

They have now taken to searching for "Batman in St. Charles", so now, not only are they stalking me, they are stalking Batman. For no other reason than I fell in love with him. He's done nothing wrong, and he's certainly done nothing to them, and yet they just can't leave him alone.

They yell and scream and threaten me to leave them alone. They preach on and on about how they want nothing more than for me to get the hell out of their lives. FINE! I've done that. Believe me I don't give a rat's ass what you do with your life. But if you really want me out of your life, stay the f@#k out of mine. And that includes my cyber life too.

Why can't you all just go the hell away and let me live my life in peace? Why do you feel the need to stalk me on line and know every single freaking blasted move I make, every thought I have, every thing I say and do? You know for people who yell and scream about privacy, you sure have no problem invading mine.

Yes, I know there are solutions to this. I could require people to log into my blog (yeah, that sounds like fun) or I could stop blogging altogether but doing anything at all, means they have the power to censor and control and manipulate me and fuck them they don't deserve that power.

SO, Forces of Evil, I know you're out there, I know you have your spies working on stalking me too. I know you are lurking here, and don't have the balls it takes to step out of the shadows and own up to it. You're lurking in the dark corners, watching and stalking and obsessing. That's fine. I won't change a damn thing I say or do here. I will continue to call The Slug the Slug, b/c he is a worthless ass who thinks that not paying his child support hurts me. That just means his children (who he claims mean the world to him) go without things they both need and want. And every month he drags his feet and doesn't pay is another month behind he will get and well, he'll have to pay it eventually. Some way, some how. I will continue to call the heifer he's living with TFC because that is exactly what she is. I will continue to believe his twin brother is a sick twisted pedophile because well, he's been convicted of such crimes, against his own step daughter.

I will continue to write about my glamorous life and all it's glory. And you all can continue to stalk and obsess over my blog, b/c well, I understand. I truly am that amazing and wonderful and who the hell wouldn't want to be just like me?

Biting a bullet

Maybe I'm growing up. Maybe it's being in love. Maybe it was just the good vibes I picked up on vacation. I don't know.

The Slug actually had to take the girls this past weekend (it was my weekend to have them) while Batman and I went to Florida. To most parents it wouldn't be an issue. Most parents would jump at the chance to spend extra time with their kids. Not always so with Slug.

He agreed to take them but based on past performances from him, I expected some drama. I did all that I could before leaving to ensure there would be none, but the few days leading up to departure were questionable at best. So I prayed.

And while I was in Florida, at the race, I spent some money on a Tony Stewart hat. Let me tell you, how huge that was. I spent $$, my $$, on a hat of a driver I don't really like, to give to The Slug, who has added more drama to my life than TNT has in it's nightly line-up of Law & Order. But I bit the bullet and bought the hat.

When I got back into town and picked up the girls we called him and asked him if we could come by, we had something to give him. He reluctantly agreed. So we went. The girls showed him their shirts and their hats from Florida (No NASCAR stuff for my girls-some times I wonder if they're mine) and then we gave him his hat.

I hope you don't already have one
No
I wanted to be sure and get you something from there, to say thank you for taking an extra weekend with the girls.
Ok
And to say thank you for not causing a fuss about it, and not giving us a hard time about this trip. It was very much appreciated. And I just wanted to say Thank you.
You're welcome.

I think I caught him off guard.

Later I got a text message from him. Thanks for the hat. It was nice of you.
Told you I was done fighting. Just want to get along for the girls.
I agree. Thanks again.

Uh, now he caught me off guard.

Wonder how long the truce will last?

Thoughts on Temper Tantrums

After the marathon phone call from hell yesterday, and replaying parts of the conversation in my head, a thought occurred to me. (several actually, but most of them weren't pleasant and centered on where to hide the dead body).

If I go back through the history of my life with Slug, I can see a pattern emerging. It seems that as long as my life is quiet, and single, Slug leaves me alone. He only acts up, really acts up when there is someone in my life, a male someone. The degree of Slugs temper tantrums are in direct proportion to the degree of importance that person has in my life. Or, actually, the degree of importance the Slug perceives that person to have in my life.

His biggest temper tantrums come at times when he feels the person in my life have the most significance to me. The temper tantrums he threw and the hell he made my life when I first moved out, were the direct result of the fact that he truly believed I left him for another man, Knucklehead 1, to be specific. The fact that Slug told me to get the fuck out of his house, and out of his life, are pointless. I'm sure he's completely forgotten those conversations (yes, he said it more than once). The fact that Knucklehead was in the process of his own divorce prior to me meeting him, and was already involved with the woman who would become his 2nd wife, are also meaningless. The truth in Slug's mind is I left him to be with Knucklehead 1.

There was a period of about 6 months when Slug and I actually tried to work things out and tried to get back together after the divorce. He was, by that time, already involved with TFC. She didn't understand his wanting to try to put his family back together. He apparently didn't understand that in order to do that, he couldn't bring TFC along for the ride. I had, by that time found my back bone (or at least part of it) and was standing for none of this shit. I ended the reconciliation attempt when I discovered it was just too damn crowded with three adults.

The other temper tantrums along the way, have been minor and annoying at best, but I have learned that if I continue to ignore them, they will escalate until I react. Then it gets really ugly. So I usually get higher authorities involved to stop them before they get to that point.

This past September the temper tantrums got out of hand yet again, but looking back, I realize it's because I was (am) involved with Batman, and Slug realizes he matters to me. A great deal.

It all boils down to this. In a nut shell, Slug still sees me as his possession. (wife, girlfriend, bitch, slave, whatever label he choses). Slug is jealous. I have someone in my life that matters. That treats me the way I deserve to be treated, and is wonderful to the girls. In fact, he's better to the girls than Slug. And instead of changing his ways, the Slug just choses to blame me and Batman for the the fact that his life is less than he wanted it to be.

Slug refuses to step up and take any responsibility for anything in his life. He refuses to admit his part in the failure of our marriage. He refuses to admit his responsibility in the fact that I have had to get restraining orders against him, and the fact that I have garnished his wages to get the child support he should be paying. He's unhappy with TFC, she treats him like a child, and treats my daughters like red-headed step-children. Cinderella had it nice compared to the girls.

When you understand the source of the temper tantrums, it's easy to not take them personally and to see they are not personal attacks on me. They are just him lashing out at me because I have everything in my life that he wants in his. He just refuses to see that I had to work hard to get here. He's not willing to do the work.

If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you always got.

Reality? Anyone know where it is?

Unreal.

Am I the only one living in reality? Or am I the one living in the alternate universe?

Slug calls today, looking for a fight. Yelling at me the second I answer the phone, pissed off because the world has turned against him, and everyone is out to get him and it's all my fault. I am not only leading the revolution, I'm to blame for the shit.

It's my fault that child support enforcement is now garnishing his wages. Well, yeah, I guess technically I am the reason they are going after his check. I did make the phone call, I did request the order of garnishment. Never mind the fact that he's almost $1200 behind, and missed a payment and told me I'm not sending you any money this week, do what you have to do. Yeah, that doesn't factor into the issue. His wages are being garnished, and well, it's all my fault. He has no responsibility in the matter.

It's also my fault that the police were called this weekend. OK, yeah, that's my fault. I did pick up the phone and ask them what my recourse was in getting back property that belonged to my daughter and he refused to give back to her. Of course, it doesn't matter that the whole thing could have been avoided by him agreeing to give Tate back her earrings. Period. Still, all my fault.

And did you know, that it's my fault there have been 6 restraining orders filed against him in the three years since I was thrown out of our house? And yes, I did go to the court house, and fill out the paper work, and yes, I did swear before a judge that everything was true in those papers. But it is all my fault he has those restraining orders, because yeah, he's not psycho at all. He's always calm and rational, and reasonable, and the good parent. and yeah, I had my hands up the judge's ass like a puppet making him grant all 6 of those restraining orders. All of them.

Oh, and just to set the record straight. Batman did call Slug the other night, after Slug called B's parents. B told him, "Don't drag us into your drama. Don't call here again." Ok, in the technical sense of the word, Slug did not call Batman's house because Batman does not own the house. He called Mimi's house, and talked to Mimi, and thanks to the first amendment, he has the right to talk to who ever he wants to. Batman on the other hand, does not have the right to call Slug and ask him to never call his family again. Batman apparently isn't covered by the first amendment. Ok, the first amendment according to Slug.

So, apparently it's my responsibility to make sure that B never calls Slug again. "OK, then don't call him or his house again."
"I didn't call him, or his house."
And here we are back at technicalities. Schematics. Splitting hairs.

Then he wants to bring up me fucking around with his friends. Ok, hold it right there. I'm not even going to justify that with a response. The two issues on the table today, are 1. CHILD SUPPORT and 2. THE EARRINGS. Now, that's it. You can't go back through the archives of our life and drag out all the dirty laundry you want to bring up. I'm not going to rehash shit that may or may not have happened prior to the divorce. Two issues. Stick to them.

Oh, and let's not forget the fact that he asked me to bring him back a blonde with big boobs from Daytona.
"You would do, but you're involved with someone."
OK, aren't you living with someone?
Yeah, but you know what I want.
Yeah, he went there. Nice. At least he didn't say You would do but you don't have big boobs.

I really just want to get back to reality, where ever the fuck it is. I miss it.

Am I Ever going to be free?

It was simple really. Or at least it should have been. For anyone else in the world it would have been a common everyday occurrence. For me it became a nightmare.

And at the heart of the battle?

A pair of gold earrings.

This past summer, when my life was full of love, laughter, sunshine and the promise of the future, Batman’s mother gave Tate a pair of gold earrings. Not Wal-Hell cheap gold earrings, because she doesn’t wear fake anything. These were solid gold earrings. Granted, they were earrings she never wore any more, but they were solid gold earrings. And they were a gift.

After Batman and I officially broke up, the girls haven’t been back to his place. Therefore, they haven’t seen his parents since October. And they miss each other. Especially Tate. She still draws pictures, and writes letters for them and I deliver them when I see Batman. Those earrings were her tangible connection to family she loves and misses and she has lost.

And that is the root of the problem.

Tate wore those earrings from the day Mimi gave them to her. Never taking them out, never changing them for another pair. That is, until Christmas, when The Slug’s father gave her a pair of silver earrings. That day she was forced to change the earrings. But Tate being Tate, and one who will avoid conflict at all costs never said a word.

But the earrings from Mimi never made it back here. They stayed at The Slug’s house. He refused to give them back to me, and refused to give them to Tate. Once again, he had decided what everyone around him needed and he decided Tate didn’t need the earrings, and I sure as hell didn’t need the earrings. He knew how important those earrings were, and exactly why, and he was having none of it.

Last night was more of the same. She asked for the earrings, he flat out refused. So I asked. And he refused. I tried to explain to him they weren’t his earrings and he had no right to them, and that keeping them from Tate was stealing them. He refused. He said she would never get them back because they weren’t hers.

So I made a phone call. To the police department. Just to see what could be done, if anything. I explained the situation. The earrings were a gift to my daughter from some very close friends of mine, and my daughter and I have repeatedly asked them to be returned, and he has refused. Was there any way, anything in my power that I could do to get her things returned? (By this time, I had learned from Tate that The Slug was also holding the necklace my brother and sister-in-law had given her for Christmas captive. He was refusing to give it back to her as well.)

They offered to help. They took down all the information, and said they would be in contact. OK, now this is ridiculous at best. I now have HS finest involved in getting a pair of earrings and a necklace. Christ, with all the crime in the world, we now have an officer involved in recovering property from an asshole who found an opportunity to control and manipulate my life. And all because The Slug refuses to return the jewelry to Tate, because the jewelry are gifts to her from people who are important to me. If they had been gifts from anyone else, we would have had them back already. But because the earrings were from Batman’s mother, Slug was not going to allow his daughter to have them. Because he hates Batman that much. Why? Simple. Because he matters to me.

The sheriff’s dept contacts me, asks me how I want to proceed. I just want my daughter’s jewelry back. Plain and simple. I’m sorry I have to waste your valuable time on something as trivial and stupid as this, but he has her property and is refusing to return it. "Are you willing to press charges if necessary?" If that is what it takes. (Ok, at this point, I realize I could have, should have probably walked away. This was getting way out of control and out of proportion for jewelry for a 10 year old. But in the back of my mind, was Mimi, who loves my girls very much, and while those earrings weren’t the most expensive earrings she’s ever owned, she did give them to my daughter as a gift. And I know that she would have been upset to learn that the Slug had not only taken them away from Tate, but was refusing to return them, solely because they were given to Tate by Mimi.)

The sheriff’s department contacted Slug, and then contacted me. Stating Slug had assured them, on the next visitation, the property would be returned to Tate. That was all I wanted. And that’s where it should have ended. Yes, I said should have.

I got a phone call from Slug, 5 minutes later. I’m not returning jack shit to you because it’s not yours. Those earrings aren’t even Tate’s. And at that point, I did just let it go. At that point, I realized this wasn’t about earrings, this wasn’t about Tate, and it was about controlling and manipulating me, and pissing me off, and hurting me. So, I just quietly hung up on him, and refused to answer the phone.

What I didn’t know, and couldn’t imagine, was what he was doing on his end. He wasn’t going to let this fight go. He was primed for a battle, and well, his opponent had literally walked away, refusing to fight. He wanted blood, and didn’t care whose. And since he could no longer hurt me or piss me off enough to make me react, he needed to up the ante.

And he did.

I got a text message from him.

I just had a nice convo with Mimi. The earrings aren’t hers. Now let me talk to
Tate.

He called Batman’s parents.

He drug innocent people into a battle of wills that didn’t concern or involve them. He reached out and found the three people in the world I never wanted his poison to touch, and he touched them. He knew my Achilles’ heel, and he went for it.

Because it wasn’t about the earrings, it wasn’t about Tate. It was about me, my happiness, my future, and Batman.

He called Batman’s house, talked to Mimi. My drama, the poison of my life, that I have tried and tried and tried to get free of, had touched and tarnished my safe haven. My drama was now threatening, no, my drama was now affecting them. He called Batman’s parents, and threw his daughter under the bus. He told them that he had refused to give the earrings back to Tate, because he was sure she had stolen the earrings, and he wanted to return them to the rightful owner. Mimi. (yes, he did. He flat out accused his own daughter of theft. He called his daughter a thief, and a liar).

I learned my lesson from before, own up to the truth, be honest, tell the truth no matter what, no matter how ugly, no matter the cost, at the very least be completely honest about it all. So, I called Batman to be sure Slug really had called there, (there was a chance Slug was bluffing when he called. A slim to none chance, but a chance nonetheless) and to apologize for this, and explain what was going on.

Uh, yeah. He called there.

He talked to Mimi.

She was pissed.

So was Batman’s father.

But not nearly as pissed as Batman.

And I wanted to crawl into a hole. Mortified, humiliated, embarrassed, scared, worried, and apologetic. But determined to face the music, armed only with the truth, the whole truth no matter what the cost, and my love for Batman, and the hope that what we were rebuilding could withstand this. (And that hope wasn’t much, but it was something to cling to)

I explained the situation once again. All of it. Even admitting that I really should have let it go, before it got to this. I should have just walked away and forgotten all about the earrings. Chalked it up to lost, told Mimi the truth of the earrings and if they wanted to pursue it they could. I explained that in no way was it my intention to drag them into this mess, and that I was sorry beyond words, and humiliated by this whole mess.

Batman and I talked. I was afraid that once again, Slug was showing his ass and I was going to pay for it. Batman assured me that was not the case. He assured me he wasn’t mad at me, but that I had to take whatever steps necessary to make sure this never happens again. He did not like being drug into my drama with The Slug. (well, hell, I didn’t like being drug into this drama either).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve done all I know to do. Restraining orders, custody battles, court cases, police, lawyers. None of it matters. Slug and his poison still cling to my life and now are threatening to stain and ruin all that is good in my life. How do I ever get free from this? Will this residue always cling to my life, and tarnish all that is good in my life? This is the fact of my life, at least for now. No matter what I do, no matter how much I hate him, he won’t let go, he refuses to allow me the freedom to live my life, and it kills him that I have found my happiness. And it’s not him.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make him go away. He lied when he said he didn’t want to fight any more, when he said he wanted to find a way for us to get along for the girls. I just want him out of my life. I want him to go away. I want my life free from him. How do I move on when everywhere I go, I have to drag him along too, because he clings, and won’t let go and move on?

When am I ever going to be free?

A day in the life

Have I mentioned that the girls always come back from The Slug's place bitching and moaning about how they hate it there? It's not so much their father they hate, it's TFC he lives with that they can't stand (and her fucking brats, but that's another post entirely)

So, the other night, they (Tate, Newt and The Slug) got home after TFC. They walked in the kitchen door and into a daycare nightmare.

Oh, not little kids running around. Apparently TFC thought they were the little kids. She had put signs (8.5X11 signs) on all the chairs

"This is a chair. Not a coat rack, not a book shelf, not a bookbag holder. This is a chair where you sit to eat your meals."

On the kitchen table:
This is a table. Not a bookbag rack, not a coat rack, not a bookshelf, not a toy box. This is where we eat our meals.

On the kitchen floor.
This is the kitchen, your shoes, your coats, your bookbags, your stuff do not belong on the floor in here.

If I know my kids (and I think I do) and if I know Slug (and I think I do) that didn't go over well. I would say, like a ton of bricks.

Wonder when she's gonna whip out the Time Out Chair?

Apparently the law just doesn't apply to them....

The sun is shining today. It's actually 37 degrees outside (only 23 in CoMo where my sister lives, 40 minutes away) and the snow is melting, like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz. Things are looking brighter for me today than yesterday. And I'm not just talking about the weather outside.

I did find out something interesting from the girls this week. I picked them up Friday from the sitter, after being with The Slug for two days. The ride home after they come back is always interesting, because it's always a bitch session about all the things TFC and her brats have done to make my girls life a living hell. I've just learned to listen and let it go. I can't make them treat the girls better, I can't make them treat them fairly, I can't make them realize that the girls are unhappy. All I can do is listen and if it's serious, take it up with The Slug. Which is beyond useless, because well, he always takes TFC's side.

On our way home Friday, the girls are bitching and moaning about how unfair TFC is to them and how her girls are the biggest spoiled rotten brats they've ever seen, and I'm just letting them blow hot air. We drive past a gas station and they say "Oh, we can't go there today, Uncle X is there."

I know that the law says he can not be around anyone under the age of 18, especially girls. He can't be around my girls until The Slug passes this course and the test at the end. If Slug fails the test, the girls will never see Uncle X. Now, if I believe the girls, (and I have a tendency to do that) then they have seen Uncle X, quite a bit actually.

It seems that they have 'run into him' at the antique shop in town. Ok, now, The Slug, and Uncle X are twins. Those two don't take a shit without calling the other one first. They don't make decisions without consulting the other one. So, if The Slug is going to the Antique store, I can promise you that Uncle X knows it and there is a plan underfoot to meet up there, 'quite by accident' *wink wink*

I can't do anything about it, because, I can't prove that this is planned. They can claim it was just a coincidence, and well, you try and prove it wasn't. Does it matter that I was married to one, and I know these guys, and I know this was not an accident? I mean, they both know he's not supposed to be around the girls, so if one pulls up and the other's vehicle is there, shouldn't that be a clue to leave and come back later? Yeah, well, once again, they all believe they are above the law, and once again, they have managed to find a loophole, and find a way around the law.

Only four months
1 week
2 days
and I'll be gone.

Tide has turned

I guess life was going my way just a little to long, a little too sweet. Now it's time to test the backbone, test my strength, test my mettle.

Slug just called and told me he didn't send child support this week. Uh, wrong answer asshole. "Well, I don' t know what you want me to do, I don't have it to send."
Uh, get mommy to pay it. I would tell you to send TFC out to the street corner to earn it but hell I don't have time to wait that long. She would just whine and cry about it being cold.

I called DSS and found out Slug is $1188 behind and well, we're going to garnish his wages. I told him if he missed a week, I was going after his paycheck, and well, now I am.

It may take a week or two, but damn it I'm getting paid.

Fuck him.

Junebugg: Get me the information, I think I'm ready.

God Damn Horoscopes

Old resentments can go deep, and with good reason -- this person really delivered quite a blow. Forgive them. That doesn't mean you necessarily need to forget, but it does mean you have to consciously heal and move on.

There's today's horoscope. How truly fitting. Ok, he (The Slug) didn't deliver that big of a blow. It wasn't devistating. I had an idea he or someone in his life, was reading my blog. So what. The threats he made last night are idle threats, at least until I hear from an attorney.

Forgive him. What's there to forgive? He blew up, he yelled, he beat his chest, he roared, he barked. There's no bite in any of it. Let him beat his chest, feel like a man, make a lot of noise, ignore him and move on. Let it go, all of it.

I'm moving on with my life. Leaving him, his family (dysfunctional as it is) behind. Taking the girls and starting over far away where he can't reach me, where he can't harrass me, or stalk me. He claims he wants me out of his life, and he wants to stop fighting with me, for the girls' sake, but here we are, back at square one, nothing has changed.

Except me. I'm not going to get worked up over it. I'm not going to let him force me into hiding, or chase me underground. I'm going to live my life, continue to write on my blog, and go on. I am free now, it's my life, to live. I don't need his approval, and he would do well to figure that out. He doesn't have to approve of anything in my life. It's none of his business any more.

I'm letting it go, I'm moving on.

It never ends, he never goes away.

The fact that I'm even going to blog about this sort of pisses me off, but I'm doing it anyway. I hate to give them time and space on here, but this is just another example of how fucked up they can be, and how they still can't leave me the fuck alone. Can I just say for people who claim very loudly that they just want me to go the fuck away and leave them alone, they sure spend a hell of a lot of time and energy stalking me in real life and here on the internet. They are Obsessed with me. I have a bigger following than I originally thought. Funny, they don't have the balls to comment on here, just lurk, read, and get pissed about it.

I get a phone call from The Slug last night. Guess who has found my blog! Yeah, not him, but I'm sure it was the Heifer (and now that I know she reads this, I can let you in on a little secret. The Heifer is a cleaned up nickname for her. Usually I call her TFC - yes, you guessed it, That Fucking CUNT!)

Anyway, he's all pissed off about the posts I put on here about X-BIL. Oh cry me a fucking river. This is my personal blog, where I vent, rage, rant, cry and celebrate and occassionally make fun of people. But just because they all believe they are invincible and above the laws everyone else should have to live by, apparently X-BIL thinks he's going to sue me. WHATEVER. Oh, and to quote The Slug, what I write on this blog will come back and bite me on the ass. Sure.

So, for a second I thought about making this a private blog, where all of my readers have to register and sign in, and I thought Fuck that! I'm not going to let them drive me into hiding and make me go underground. Screw them. I stand behind everything I write on here. The are facts that can be supported (and are usually linked) but for the most part this is my personal blog, for my personal OPINIONS. And last time I checked, there was such a thing as freedom of speach, so I can think/say whatever I think/want.

There will be no criminal charges filed, as I have not done a damn thing illegal. At worst, well, they might make me take the blog down, they might make me remove the posts about him. Either way, who cares. I stand behind my right to voice my opinions. And frankly If you don't like what I write here, don't fucking read it!

So, I will keep you up to date on this latest drama. It's just another example of how they value privacy, THEIR OWN, but have no problem stalking me and harrassing me. Funny thing is, I still have a restraining order in effect and if he threatens or harasses me again, the cops will be called. Put that in your fucking pipe and smoke it.

Freedom

Freedom.

What a deliciously sweet word.

I went to the courthouse today, and on my way, I was remembering back to the last time I had been to this courthouse with The Slug. It would have been August 2004, when our divorce was granted. Funny, try as I might, I couldn’t remember that day, at all. I could remember the day I appeared before the judge in my divorce from C1, but my memory could not recall the day of my divorce from The Slug.

I take that back. I remember walking out of the courthouse afterwards. I remember the drive back to work, and the phone calls I made to all of my family and friends. I could not remember appearing before the judge. I could not remember sitting in that courtroom. It was if my mind had blocked it out, completely. Strange.

I got to the courthouse, his truck was there. I reminded myself, I have nothing to fear here, I have a lawyer, we have an agreement, nothing will change. This is just a formality. Still, I wondered, I questioned, I worried. Up the stairs to the courtroom, and then it hit me. All of the memories of that day. Sitting in that courtroom waiting for our case to be called. Being sworn in by the judge, taking the stand and testifying to all that we had agreed upon. Today would be much the same.

He sat waiting outside the courtroom, we chatted, mostly about the girls. The unspoken giant elephant in the room was the reason we were there. He was subdued, thoughtful, withdrawn, polite, sincere and contrite. All those things I know he is very capable of being for a short time. All those things he can pretend to be, to pull at the heart strings, and stir up the guilt.

I could see the guy I could be friends with. And now I have to find a way to be friends with him, to set aside the anger and pain, and do what’s best for the girls, always. He looked defeated, deflated. I almost felt sorry for him.

I had to remind myself of the hell he had made my life in the past. That no matter how defeated he looked today, there is a monster lurking underneath, and he can turn on my in a moment. I had to remember that I had to do this today, to be free, to move, to start a fresh new life. To be able to live a life I am unable to live here.

We walked in, we appeared before the judge, we testified that we agreed that the parenting plan we submitted was in the best interest of the girls. I testified that I would like the court to grant me permission to relocate to Lincoln County after the girls finish school. He testified that he would not contest it. It was straightforward, no surprises. Went off without a hitch. Except the hitch in my heart, seeing what this was doing to him. It was hurting him, more than he would let on. It’s hard to celebrate a victory at the painful expense of someone else. (The guilt he was inducing in me was powerful indeed.)

I knew I would walk out of that courtroom today, and look and feel unchanged. I also know that I am profoundly changed, I am just unaware of the changes right now. I know that the realization of all that has happened will hit in a day or two. But for now, this demon has been slain, and I am victorious. I am free. My life is now my life. The girls are now mine.

Freedom.

What a glorious sweet word.

The Heifer

The sitter took yesterday off as part of her Christmas vacation. Who can blame her? She just lost her husband right before Thanksgiving, and well, she could use some time off. So, since I had to work, the girls had to stay with The Heifer.

Since The Slug and I have come to an agreement about the girls, and custody, and my freedom to move, I have made a real, honest, effort to be nice to him, and accept Heifer as part of the package. But damn that bitch is making it impossible.

I got a phone call Christmas Eve from The Slug, the girls were sick. Very sick. They were running fevers, they had sore throats, and headaches. My advice? Give them some medicine, or bring them to me, and I’ll take care of them. He starts bitching “I haven’t had my Christmas with them yet, and I’m not going to give that up.” Fine. Then give them some medicine. In the background I hear that bitch yelling, “You two really need to take these girls to the ER right now. Don’t ask questions, just get them to the hospital!” Ok, bitch (and believe me there were other, more foul names spewing out of my mouth towards her at this point.) I am not taking them to the ER for a fever of 100.9 and a sore throat. But if you feel so strongly that they need to be there, feel free to take them yourself, AND pay the ER bill. No? Fine, shut the fuck up.

I did call the pediatrician, who did call in an antibiotic. I got the girls and got them well on their way to healthy.

Yesterday, The Heifer had to watch the girls again, b/c the sitter took the day off. Tate had wanted a particular hat for Christmas, and Santa being a bit on the broke side on occasion, didn’t get the exact hat she wanted, but did allow her to pick one out that was very similar. The deal with this hat is, it has a beer name on the front. It’s not big, it’s not bold, it’s not gaudy, but it is there. I have promised Tate we will get a cool patch and cover it, but in the meantime, she’ll just have to make do. So, she wears said hat to Heifer’s yesterday. And when Heifer sees the hat, she totally flips out and blows a freaking gasket over it. “Oh my freaking God! What kind of mother would allow her 9 year old daughter to wear a beer hat?” (uh, the one that gave birth to her. Who the fuck are you?) Gave Tate a complex right there on the spot, and made Tate so self conscious, she refuses to wear the hat.

Last night I was so livid, I was seeing red. Where the F@#k does that bitch get off making any kind of comment about my daughter and her hat? And where does she get off making Tate feel self conscious, and horrible about her Christmas gift? I called The Slug and told him, you better reign the bitch in and muzzle her because if you can’t do it I will. I am ready to put my size 8 right up her hoity toity ass, except there seems to be a huge ass stick already up there.

I will so glad when all things are said and done, and I can move the girls away from here. The Slug supposedly told The Heifer to move out That was March of this year. She’s still there. Of course she made promises, she bought things (cable, internet, a swimming pool, dogs, guns, a new truck, you name it), she offered sexual favors, she bribed, conjoled, manipulated, and has hid behind my girls (the girls don’t want me to leave, they love me) (yeah, my girls are vigorously shaking their heads NO behind her, giving themselves whiplash, and they are running to get boxes and suitcases and throwing her stuff into them) and managed to stay put, making my girls’ life there hell. They bitch for hours every time they come home from there. Slug has told me, that this year (2007) when she gets her tax money, she is moving out. Yeah, I heard that last year, and frankly I’ll believe it when I see the trash truck hauling her shit out the fucking door.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel for me and the girls. It’s still 6 months away, but I can see it there in the distance, on the horizon. There is hope in that penpoint of light, and I cling to it desperately. I live for that day, when I can load my life up in a truck and move to a new place, start a fresh new life, without The Slug, without the Heifer, without C1, without the drama, the stress the manipulations. I live for that day……

9 Days

I just found out that I have a court date with The Slug. January 4th. We have to appear before a judge and testify under oath that we agree to the proposed parenting plan we submitted to the courts. It should take no more than 15 minutes, and then, it will all be done.

It was 3 years ago I finally accepted that my marriage was over, there was nothing more I could do to save it, and trying to was killing me. My weight had reached an all time low of 98 pounds. And while a small part of me rejoiced in the fact I had finally 'made it' below 100, the logical survival part of me got scared and realized I had to change my life, or I wouldn't have a life to change.

The divorce was granted the following July, and even though the court granted me the freedom to live my life free from control, interference and manipulation from him, the reality of my life was far from that. He used the girls as pawns to control me, my actions, my life. He stalked me and everyone involved in my life. If I dated, he had them investigated, he drove by their homes, he watched and he waited. He made my life hell. and I was embarassed by him. I couldn't ask someone to take on his insanity, the drama he brought to my life, just because they had the misfortune to want to date me.

Batman changed that for me. He was worth fighting for. He mattered, he still matters. I couldn't allow The Slug to chase this one away. Plus, Batman could see him for what he was, and he showed me that while I had come to accept The Slugs behavior as a part of my life, I didn't have to. I could and needed to, put a stop to it. If I didn't I would lose Batman for sure. But beyond that, I needed to get my girls out of the hell their life had become.

9 Days left of this life, 9 days until I am given my life, the life I should have had all along. 9 Days and then they are mine, all mine. 9 days to freedom.

12 weeks

I took the girls to their father's yesterday, so that they could celebrate Christmas with his family, and have Christmas with him today, as they will be with me tomorrow.

He told me there is an update on his brother. Yes, it was his twin brother who plead guilty to sexual misconduct and assault, because he inappropriately touched his teenage step-daughter. Apparently as part of his probation, and because he now has to register as a sex offender, he is not allowed to be around anyone under the age of 18 without a 'supervisor' who has attended special training. The course is 12 weeks long, and The Slug will be attending this. So, until that course is completed by Slug, his brother will not have any contact with my girls (supervised or otherwise) at all. That's 12 weeks.

Now, because the boys are twins (identical mirror image) The Slug sometimes catches hell from people in town, who confuse him for Uncle J. So, this conviction has effected everyone's life.

Apparently TD is involved with someone older than she is. (According to The Slug, she is 'messing around' with BD, who is a friend of the boys, and is 29) If that is the case, why isn't the family reporting him and pressing charges against him? After all, it's still illegal for him to be with TD because she is still under age.

Christmas was celebrated at Slug's mom's yesterday, for the family (the 3 brothers and their families) except that Uncle J could not attend. He spent the entire day in his camper, away from the family. He can't celebrate Christmas with his wife, with his neices, with his brothers, with his nephew. I understand that this is his own doing, he brought this on himself, by doing what he did. Still, it's hard to imagine sitting there, knowing the family is in the house, right beside the camper he's living in, and he can't be there to celebrate with them.

What he did was wrong, in so many ways, on so many levels. I don't argue that. I am cautious about his contact with me girls. But because he is who he is, I have not raised 7 kinds of hell about him. But I am ever vigilant, and cautious and have told the girls the truth and explained things to them, so they are aware.

Who would have thought life could turn out this way? Who could have seen this? Surely not me. But for now, at least for the next 12 weeks, I don't have to worry about the girls and Uncle J. There's some relief in that, to be sure.

The Details

Ok, it has been a whirlwind of emotions. I have exactly what it is that I wanted in regards to the girls. And it happened without the fight I expected. Wow. Who can really wrap their heads around that?

We met, wrote up the agreed upon parenting plan, and he signed off on it. My attorney will file the papers with the court on Monday; we will get a court date. We will have to appear before a judge and testify that we agree to everything set forth in the parenting plan.

So, what did we agree to?

• The parties agree that mother shall be allowed to relocate the residence of the minor children to Lincoln County after the end of the 2006-2007 school year.


• Mother shall have sole legal custody of the minor children. Mother will make all decisions regarding the children with the exception that mother shall include father in the decision making authority with respect to any life threatening issues that may arise regarding the children.


• Mother and father will have joint physical custody of the minor children. Mother’s residence address will be the designated children’s address for mailing and educational purposes. The children will reside with the mother, with temporary custody/visitation with father as follows: Every other weekend beginning at 7:00 PM on Friday, through 7:00 PM on Sunday.

There are of course the normal provisions for child support, and tax exemption deduction yada, yada, yada. But none of that has changed significantly. The above points were the big ones, and the ones that I wanted more than anything.

It’s done, almost. The end is in sight. He’s agreed, and the papers will be filed. The girls will be mine.

So, what at first seemed so daunting and impossible and overwhelming boiled down to 2 hours in my lawyer’s office today. B once asked me, “Every time you’ve been to court with him, have you not gotten exactly what you wanted?” Every time I’ve been to court with him, I have walked out of there with exactly what I wanted. This was to be no different. I just didn’t believe it would be this simple. Although I really shouldn’t be at all surprised. Once the plan was made, every single step I took seemed to fall effortlessly into place. Everything worked out, every thing lined up; every thing fell into place just as it should.

I know, as well as I know B is my soul mate, this was the right thing to do, it was meant to be. Every obstacle I saw looming on the horizon seemed to virtually vanish when I came face to face with it.

• I got the restraining order, hands down, no problem


• I needed $$ to hire an attorney, and fast.


• Mom and dad gifted the van over to me, and I used it as collateral on a loan from the bank.


• Needed a lawyer, but every lawyer I talked to said it was highly unlikely we would win, and they wanted a huge retainer.


• Until I found this attorney. Her retainer was virtually half of everyone else’s and she offered hope that we could win this battle, but it would be hard. The good news was, she was willing to fight. She believed in what I was doing.


• My lease on my apartment ran out. Time to renew, but we had no idea how long this battle would take and how long I would be here, if I could even move.


• I was given the option to sign a month to month lease, so every month; we renew it for another month. That way, when it comes time to move, I’m out, free and clear.

Every step I needed to take on this journey, a higher power cleared the path. And now, what loomed before me a marathon, turned out to be short sprint to the finish line. My biggest fear, my biggest concern, is over. There is great relief.

Now, on to the next plan. And that my friends, is, in the next 6 months, I have to find a job that will support us all, and I have to find an apartment I can afford on the salary I’ll be making at the new job I’ll be getting. Then I need to start packing up, and planning on moving. But believe me, I’ve moved often enough in my life, this is the easy part of the plan.

Now, I need to figure out Christmas (I had to spend a big portion of the kids Christmas funds on filing fees I didn’t know about….) but somehow that seems manageable. Look what I’ve been through in the past month, and it worked out just fine in the end.

The Party will be here tomorrow.

I got everything I wanted today! I am going to go home and enjoy the sweet taste of victory. I will be here tomorrow to carry on with the party.

So, somebody get some damn margarittas, and some chips and salsa and let's party!

It is finished, and I am free

We sat down today, in my attorney's office, and drew up a new joint parenting plan. We sat there today, on the battle field, and shook hands and came to an agreement. The dragon that had loomed so large and forboding on the horizon of my life for so long, stood before me today, with an olive branch of peace, wanting to find a resolution.

We drew up the new parenting plan today, granting me full legal custody of the girls. I will now be allowed to make all decisions in regards to them, without having to run anything by him at all. I will be allowed to relocate at the end of the school year, and enroll them in school, daycare, and any other activities they so desire.

He gracefully bowed out of their lives and mine. Not completely, but in all things that matter. He has relinquished all responsibility for the girls. They are now mine. He has visitation and he still pays child support, but we are free now to live our lives where I want to. He no longer has power over me.

10 years, 2 children, numerous second chances, 5 restraining orders, and it all boils down to 2 hours in my lawyer's office. I was given everything I wanted today. I was given my life back. I am free now. Free of him.

There will never be anther phone call telling me to get my ass home because I don't need to be where ever it is I am. There will never again, be a fight because the girls want to join Girl Scouts or choir. There will never again, be any dispute about the girls. Because today, they are mine.

I am free now. I have finally freed myself from the tenticles of my past. He no longer has power or control over my life. There will be no more drama, no more threats, no more anything. I am free.

B knows. I called him, I told him. He said "It's over. Not the way we envisioned it, but better. It's over. I'm really proud of you for doing this. I'm glad you did this, and saw it through, and got what you wanted."

I got what I wanted, in part. Now that I have my life back and I have my girls, all I want now, is another chance with B. And if this miracle can happen, then there is hope for that one too.