Making Peace

I have struggled from time to time with the whole custody issue regarding my son. I have faced this with mixed emotions. Until yesterday, when a friend of mine put it in perspective for me.

Bo is 13, and he’s the only male living in a predominantly female invironment. 13 is a tough age for anyone, it’s exceptionally difficult for a 13-year-old guy living with him mom and sisters. He has no one there who understands him, no one he can relate to, talk to, and we just annoy him with our girly girl stuff.

For whatever the reason (and there are plenty, all of them suspect at best) his father wants custody of him. And I have struggled with that. I know that Bo has been unhappy at my house, and it will only continue to get worse as he gets older. I don’t know how to relate to him, and he doesn’t know how to talk to me. So, when this came up I faced it with conflicting thoughts.

My first thought was FIGHT. Fight this, because what kind of mother gives her child away, even just to his father? I wanted to fight this because, well, I wanted to fight. But I soon realized that wasn’t good for Bo, or for the girls or me actually.

My second thought was, if I don’t fight, would he think that I just gave him up, and abandoned him? Will he think I don’t love him as much as I love the girls? I fought for the girls, and won, why didn’t I fight for him?

Then I got this email from a friend of mine. She said Boys are tough to deal with when they get to the age of Bo. You have done a good job so let someone else deal with the difficult teenage years. And that’s what I needed to hear to make peace with the whole situation.

Bo really does want to live with his father. I think it’s because his dad has all the cool game systems, movies, computers and it’s a regular frat house over there. And that’s fine for a while, but eventually it will wear on him. Eventually his father will have to step up and become the disciplinarian and there will have to be rules established and followed. The fun and games of the honeymoon won’t last forever. Real life will set in.

I have been the primary home, primary parent, the disciplinarian in Bo’s life for 13 years. But now we’re knocking on the teen years, the difficult years. Isn’t it time someone else had a turn? Let someone (his father) step up and do the hard work, handle the difficult years. Let him fight the fights with teenage Bo, let him worry about the dates, the curfews, the phone calls, the homework, the baseball practices, football practice. Let him be the parent, the disciplinarian. Let him be/do all that I have been/done for the past 13 years.

And I will now get to be the Fun house, the Fun parent. I will only have him for short periods of time, so now it can all be fun. There won’t need to be fights, or arguments. My house will now be the fun house. And now, I can enjoy my time with my son, without always having to ride his ass about homework, grades, whatever.

That’s not to say I won’t care, and I won’t take an active interest in his life. I just don’t have to be the primary disciplinarian any more. I don’t have to be the perpetual bad guy. I can now, relax, and enjoy my son, and get to know him without the stress and drama that comes with the parent/teenager relationship.

Still, it’s not easy to let him go, but I think in the end it’s better for him. It will improve our relationship, and it will give his father an hands on idea what it means to be a full time parent. (He’s so clueless)

I am finally making peace with this decision. It’s been a slow process, but I think I’m getting to the point where it’s not so bad, and it’s really the best thing for everyone involved.

24 hours

Tomorrow, at 9:00AM local time, is my court date for the girls modification.
Tomorrow.
My freedom is within reach.
Tomorrow.

What a bundle of emotions that stirs up. Hard to believe I will have it all tomorrow. 24 hours from right now.

If you look back through the archives of this blog, you can see the hell The Slug put me through since our divorce. When I went to my lawyer for our first meeting, I had gone back through all of my notebook journals and wrote out everything that he had done to make my life hell, and why I thought it was in the girls' best interest for me to have sole custody of them. It was 6 pages typed, single spaced. And that was just the past year. I could have gone back and listed everything he had done since the divorce, or even further and listed all he'd done while we were married too. And I would have, if it had become necessary. I just thought that 5 restraining orders in 2 years, and the fact that he couldn't keep a job or pay child support on time spoke for themselves.

The sad thing about the whole situation was my acceptance of it. He had stripped me of my self esteem (not that I had that much when we met) and my worth. He was abusive, mentally, emotionally, physically. And I stayed. Even after I left (ok, after I was thrown out) he stalked me, he harrassed me, he threatened me. His behavior cost me several jobs, and several relationships (although I think he may have been doing me a favor then). I just came to accept that he was always going to be a pain in the ass, and was always going to be a problem I would have to deal with. I would just have to accept it. I didn't realize how damaging his behavior was to my health, and my life. I just accepted it as a fact of my life.

Until this summer. Batman's Aunt passed away in October. He asked me to attend the visitation and funeral with him. (I was family, almost, at that point). I had asked The Slug if he could keep the girls for me one more night, so that I could attend both. He grudgingly agreed, so I went.

The day of the funeral, at 2:30, I get a voice mail message from The Slug saying "I'm not picking up the girls tonight. So you better get your ass home and get them. You don't need to be down there with your boyfriend any longer. You need to get your ass home to your kids." To make a long story, short, he said if I didn't get home he would have me charged with abandonment. Whether he could or not doesn't matter. I couldn't risk it, I couldn't risk the girls. I left. Made arrangements for the girls to be picked up, and I would get them as soon as I got into town. Apparently The Slug didn't want anyone picking up the girls but me (as if he had a choice) so he found them, and took them.

I had to get the police involved to get them back. Obviously he could have taken them that night (he did) and he just showed his ass to prove to me, to B, and to himself that he could still make me jump through hoops. He proved he could still control me, he could still call the shots in my life. He still had too much power.

Batman couldn't deal with the drama. It was too much. I was headed for another break down. If I let things continue I would be in the hospital again. The girls were being used as pawns. It was ugly. Batman said "You need to change this. You need to get away from him. You need to get him out of your life, and the girls' life. This is not healthy for any of you."

He was right. I couldn't make a life with anyone as long as The Slug had this kind of power over my life. I wasn't free to give myself to anyone else. I wasn't free to share my life with someone, because I didn't have my life. The Slug still controlled my life. I wasn't free of my past, no matter what the court papers said, the reality of my life was vastly different.

Tomorrow, at 9:00, the judge will rule on our modification. I will be granted sole custody of the girls. I will be granted the freedom to move, to relocate, away from The Slug, closer to Batman, as soon as the girls are out of school. I will have been given the greatest gift, I will have my life, and my girls' life. We will be free. No longer will he control me, no longer will he haunt me, no longer will he threaten me. No longer will he defy me, no longer will I have to fight with him over the simplest decisions. I will be free. I will be my own person. I will own my life. The girls will be mine.

Tomorrow. What a beautiful day.

Freedom. What a wonderful word.

Mine.
Tomorrow.

The Details

Ok, it has been a whirlwind of emotions. I have exactly what it is that I wanted in regards to the girls. And it happened without the fight I expected. Wow. Who can really wrap their heads around that?

We met, wrote up the agreed upon parenting plan, and he signed off on it. My attorney will file the papers with the court on Monday; we will get a court date. We will have to appear before a judge and testify that we agree to everything set forth in the parenting plan.

So, what did we agree to?

• The parties agree that mother shall be allowed to relocate the residence of the minor children to Lincoln County after the end of the 2006-2007 school year.


• Mother shall have sole legal custody of the minor children. Mother will make all decisions regarding the children with the exception that mother shall include father in the decision making authority with respect to any life threatening issues that may arise regarding the children.


• Mother and father will have joint physical custody of the minor children. Mother’s residence address will be the designated children’s address for mailing and educational purposes. The children will reside with the mother, with temporary custody/visitation with father as follows: Every other weekend beginning at 7:00 PM on Friday, through 7:00 PM on Sunday.

There are of course the normal provisions for child support, and tax exemption deduction yada, yada, yada. But none of that has changed significantly. The above points were the big ones, and the ones that I wanted more than anything.

It’s done, almost. The end is in sight. He’s agreed, and the papers will be filed. The girls will be mine.

So, what at first seemed so daunting and impossible and overwhelming boiled down to 2 hours in my lawyer’s office today. B once asked me, “Every time you’ve been to court with him, have you not gotten exactly what you wanted?” Every time I’ve been to court with him, I have walked out of there with exactly what I wanted. This was to be no different. I just didn’t believe it would be this simple. Although I really shouldn’t be at all surprised. Once the plan was made, every single step I took seemed to fall effortlessly into place. Everything worked out, every thing lined up; every thing fell into place just as it should.

I know, as well as I know B is my soul mate, this was the right thing to do, it was meant to be. Every obstacle I saw looming on the horizon seemed to virtually vanish when I came face to face with it.

• I got the restraining order, hands down, no problem


• I needed $$ to hire an attorney, and fast.


• Mom and dad gifted the van over to me, and I used it as collateral on a loan from the bank.


• Needed a lawyer, but every lawyer I talked to said it was highly unlikely we would win, and they wanted a huge retainer.


• Until I found this attorney. Her retainer was virtually half of everyone else’s and she offered hope that we could win this battle, but it would be hard. The good news was, she was willing to fight. She believed in what I was doing.


• My lease on my apartment ran out. Time to renew, but we had no idea how long this battle would take and how long I would be here, if I could even move.


• I was given the option to sign a month to month lease, so every month; we renew it for another month. That way, when it comes time to move, I’m out, free and clear.

Every step I needed to take on this journey, a higher power cleared the path. And now, what loomed before me a marathon, turned out to be short sprint to the finish line. My biggest fear, my biggest concern, is over. There is great relief.

Now, on to the next plan. And that my friends, is, in the next 6 months, I have to find a job that will support us all, and I have to find an apartment I can afford on the salary I’ll be making at the new job I’ll be getting. Then I need to start packing up, and planning on moving. But believe me, I’ve moved often enough in my life, this is the easy part of the plan.

Now, I need to figure out Christmas (I had to spend a big portion of the kids Christmas funds on filing fees I didn’t know about….) but somehow that seems manageable. Look what I’ve been through in the past month, and it worked out just fine in the end.