Promises

Sorry posts have been few and far between lately. I promise, next week things will pick up again.

Today, I met one of my Knucklehead's for lunch. We didn't have the chance to get together over the holidays, and catch up, and yesterday found us both available for a bite and a bit of gossip and pseudo therapy.

I realized something though today. I had made a promise to myself, to the girls, and in a way, to Batman. Today that promise was tested. When it came down to it, I discovered that I couldn't break that promise. I didn't want to break that promise. But I also discovered that it wasn't necessarily something I chose, it chose me. I don't know that I have a choice in this matter. This is just the way my life is right now, and how it will continue to be.

I called Batman and tried to explain it to him. (I'm sure it was kind of hazy, I was being kind of vague and there was a couple of beers involved too.) But it was a truth of mine. He would be the only one for me, for the rest of my life. Him or no one at all. I knew it in August, I know it now.

It's not like B asked for this promise, and it's not like I'm in a committed relationship with B, so I am free to do what I want, see who I want, be with who I want. The thing is, I'm not free to do any of that. The only one I want is B. He's it.

So, while I accept he needs to do what he feels he needs to do, I am bound by a promise made to myself, and others. And I'm ok with that.

Not Looking back, been there done that

2006 is almost over. Everyone (ok, a lot of people) will be looking back at the past 12 months. I don't want to. I don't want to look back and see the insanity, the drama, the crap, the chaos, the bullshit I have put up, lived through, dealt with this year. I don't want to go back through that hell again, not even in my mind. I am almost free of it's death grip on my life, and well, I don't want to remember or be reminded. I know that I am almost free. My nightmare is almost over. I don't want to remember how weak, how vulnerable, how gullable I was. I have found my strength. I will cling to it.

I don't want to look back at what I thought was love, but wasn't. I learned a lot from them, but I don't want to go back and relive it. It's important to learn the lesson, leave the baggage. I don't want to be reminded of how desperate I was to make something out of nothing.

I don't want to look back at what I once had, but no longer do. What we shared is over. It's not to say there won't be more, but what was is no more. It hurts to look back just yet. Maybe someday, but not yet. I focus on here and now, today, what I have right now. The hope and promise of tomorrow, the acceptance of today.

I don't want to look back over my shoulder at what was. It's not worth looking back at. Not when I have so much What Will Be to look forward too. The past is just a memory now, the furture holds promises of so much more, full of hope, and promise, and freedom. I'm looking forward to my future, my new life. I'm leaving this one behind. I don't need to look at where I've been, I know where I've been, I was there. I'm looking at where I'm going, what's ahead. It's so much brighter there.