My horoscope today

You need to tie up loose ends before you can move on to the next situation. It's tempting to try to shove everything under the rug, but you'll just end up tripping on that unsightly lump until you get it out of the way.

Batman and I were talking about this yesterday on yahoo:

Beckyhd35: I am not going to beat my head against a brick wall. I've got my own things to deal with
batman: I agree
Beckyhd35: so..how do I take that?
Batman: take what I was agreeing with you on what you said
Beckyhd35: never mind
Batman: on not to beat your head against the wall
Beckyhd35: I am hearing things you didn't say.... Like when I said "I've got my own things to deal with" and you said "I agree" I hear...Yeah, you've got a lot of shit to deal with
Beckyhd35: my internal dialog trying to take over... I'm just going to go turn it off...OK?
Batman: ok

I still have an internal dialog that runs in my head, that fills in the blanks, and causes doubts. I know this, I am aware of it. For the most part, I can go turn it off, and ignore it. Sometimes I don't. Because of all the shit I've been through in my life with the Forces of Evil, there is a part of me that still believes, I don't deserve someone like Batman. Regardless of what Batman and I have been through since November, before that, we were great together, wonderful together. He really was(is) all I ever wanted and all I've ever dreamed about. My problem is, my demons don't want me to believe I deserve someone as good as him. I know they're wrong.

I still have residue from The Slug to deal with. Once again, it doesn't matter what the law says, or the courts, or even the state, he's proving them all wrong. I may be free, and I may have custody of the girls, but he's still going to find ways to tarnish and spoil my happiness and cling to my life. I need to find a way to be free of that, and I am hoping the move will help take care of that issue.

I know that in order to be completely happy with B, I need to let all of my past go. I need to not only turn off the negative internal dialog, I need to unplug it, and throw it out the freaking window. I know that I will never change the Slug's behavior, but I can change mine, and when I don't behave or react in the way he's accustomed to, or in a way he expects, it forces him to change his behavior.

I'm working on these and more. Batman is aware of it.

Batman:you sometimes still get some of those urges.
Beckyhd35: sometimes, but not as often, and I can recognise them.
Batman: but I know you are working on them

I'm not sticking my head in the sand on this one, not sweeping it under the carpet. I'm facing this head on, I'm dealing, and I'm finding new answers, new solutions to old problems. I'm changing my stars, accepting my past and changing my future.

My past and my future, standing in between

As I mentioned, I get to spend a long glorious weekend with B starting Friday (posts won't be happening this weekend, and the posts to follow next week, well, will be edited for content....)

Monday is Martin Luther King Jr Day, and I'm off work. So, while I'm in Lincoln County, and in the area, I thought I'd take Monday and check out the town that will be our home in 4 months. I want to drive around, look at apartment complexes, maybe houses, check out where the schools are, the neighborhoods. I just want to start making it our home.

Tate informed me this week, that she would really like to take piano lessons when we get moved. Thank god for Batman, he knows people. He knows someone who can teach Tate piano. He's offered to hook us up.

He's offered to help look at apartments with us. He's offered to help me find a great job. He's offered to 'be there' for us when we move, as any good friend should. He's offered a lot. I will be moving to a town where I know absolutely NOBODY. B doesn't even live in the town I'm moving to. (when I say start over, fresh, I mean start over, fresh. Everything is new. Including friends.)

So, maybe I will say good bye to a part of my past this weekend (I hope not, but it's possible) I will also be saying Hello to a part of my future. Looking back at what has been, and is no more, and looking forward at what will be and could be. It's going to be an exciting emotional weekend to say the least. The very least.

Not Looking back, been there done that

2006 is almost over. Everyone (ok, a lot of people) will be looking back at the past 12 months. I don't want to. I don't want to look back and see the insanity, the drama, the crap, the chaos, the bullshit I have put up, lived through, dealt with this year. I don't want to go back through that hell again, not even in my mind. I am almost free of it's death grip on my life, and well, I don't want to remember or be reminded. I know that I am almost free. My nightmare is almost over. I don't want to remember how weak, how vulnerable, how gullable I was. I have found my strength. I will cling to it.

I don't want to look back at what I thought was love, but wasn't. I learned a lot from them, but I don't want to go back and relive it. It's important to learn the lesson, leave the baggage. I don't want to be reminded of how desperate I was to make something out of nothing.

I don't want to look back at what I once had, but no longer do. What we shared is over. It's not to say there won't be more, but what was is no more. It hurts to look back just yet. Maybe someday, but not yet. I focus on here and now, today, what I have right now. The hope and promise of tomorrow, the acceptance of today.

I don't want to look back over my shoulder at what was. It's not worth looking back at. Not when I have so much What Will Be to look forward too. The past is just a memory now, the furture holds promises of so much more, full of hope, and promise, and freedom. I'm looking forward to my future, my new life. I'm leaving this one behind. I don't need to look at where I've been, I know where I've been, I was there. I'm looking at where I'm going, what's ahead. It's so much brighter there.

Fresh Starts, shedding the past, reaching for the future

Yesterday was rough, and for the first time, the tears that plagued my day weren't because of Batman. They were tears of sadness, tears of anger, tears of relief, the whole gaumet of emotions. But they are dried up and gone today. After all, it's a whole new day.

For the most part now, the fights in my life, the battles I faced, are over. It's just a matter of signing peace treaties now, and cleaning up the mess. I have finally cut my way free of the tenticles that clung to my life from my past. My life, is now, my life. The Slug and C1 can no longer control or manipulate my life. It is time to let go of the past, look to the future and start planning my new life.

I started yesterday. I started cleaning out my apartment. Throwing away dead weight, reminders of past baggage that I no longer need. I threw away 15 empty Captain Morgan bottles, left over from the young Knucklehead. I threw away an empty Mich Ultra beer bottle from the other Knucklehead. I even threw away an empty Jack Daniels bottle and a Black Label whiskey bottle from Boo. (God, I sound like a lush, and aparently, all my reminders of the men in my past was wrapped up in alcohol.) Anyway, they all went to the dumpster. Gone.

I have put all the momentos of my past in boxes, at least the important ones. The ticket from Daytona, the brochures from Hard Rock Cafe, Universal Boardwalk, Pat O'Brien's, the Mardi Gras beads. I have taken all reminders of all the men in my life and put them away. I no longer need them. I don't want to forget the memories and the things we did, or the places we went, but I don't need to cling to them, nor do I need to see them every day. They are my past, they are not a part of my future. I thought I loved them once, I was wrong. I cared about them deeply, but it wasn't love. My love, my life, is B.

I am cutting lose all the ties that have bound me to the past, achored me in pain, hurt, sadness, and have held me back from reaching for true love, and true happiness, and all that I can be. I am once again, shedding more layers of myself, saying goodbye to the person I was, and reaching towards the person I want to become. I am letting go of old hurts, past anger, pain, resentments, grudges. I am forgiving them, and myself, and I am moving on. I am not going to forget the past, or the lessons learned. I just will not allow it to hold me down, or hold me back, or control me any more.

I have a new life ahead of me. Free from the past, a new life that is mine. A chance to start fresh, and do it right. I want that more than anything. I can't wait to move to our new home, our new life, and start over. Sure it's scary and uncertain, but I know the girls and I can do it and we will love it. 6 months from now. Just 6 months.