Wednesday, February 7, 2007

My horoscope today

You need to tie up loose ends before you can move on to the next situation. It's tempting to try to shove everything under the rug, but you'll just end up tripping on that unsightly lump until you get it out of the way.

Batman and I were talking about this yesterday on yahoo:

Beckyhd35: I am not going to beat my head against a brick wall. I've got my own things to deal with
batman: I agree
Beckyhd35: do I take that?
Batman: take what I was agreeing with you on what you said
Beckyhd35: never mind
Batman: on not to beat your head against the wall
Beckyhd35: I am hearing things you didn't say.... Like when I said "I've got my own things to deal with" and you said "I agree" I hear...Yeah, you've got a lot of shit to deal with
Beckyhd35: my internal dialog trying to take over... I'm just going to go turn it off...OK?
Batman: ok

I still have an internal dialog that runs in my head, that fills in the blanks, and causes doubts. I know this, I am aware of it. For the most part, I can go turn it off, and ignore it. Sometimes I don't. Because of all the shit I've been through in my life with the Forces of Evil, there is a part of me that still believes, I don't deserve someone like Batman. Regardless of what Batman and I have been through since November, before that, we were great together, wonderful together. He really was(is) all I ever wanted and all I've ever dreamed about. My problem is, my demons don't want me to believe I deserve someone as good as him. I know they're wrong.

I still have residue from The Slug to deal with. Once again, it doesn't matter what the law says, or the courts, or even the state, he's proving them all wrong. I may be free, and I may have custody of the girls, but he's still going to find ways to tarnish and spoil my happiness and cling to my life. I need to find a way to be free of that, and I am hoping the move will help take care of that issue.

I know that in order to be completely happy with B, I need to let all of my past go. I need to not only turn off the negative internal dialog, I need to unplug it, and throw it out the freaking window. I know that I will never change the Slug's behavior, but I can change mine, and when I don't behave or react in the way he's accustomed to, or in a way he expects, it forces him to change his behavior.

I'm working on these and more. Batman is aware of it.

Batman:you sometimes still get some of those urges.
Beckyhd35: sometimes, but not as often, and I can recognise them.
Batman: but I know you are working on them

I'm not sticking my head in the sand on this one, not sweeping it under the carpet. I'm facing this head on, I'm dealing, and I'm finding new answers, new solutions to old problems. I'm changing my stars, accepting my past and changing my future.

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