Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Waiting, patiently waiting

He's not there yet.

We're together, we're a couple, I'm even his girlfriend (that still sounds so Jr high-ish) but things are different.

I knew they would be, they have to be. We're different. There is still residue from the past drama between us that isn't gone. And I'm not entirely sure it should be gone. There is lessons learned there, and the reminders are there.

The feelings are there, but the words aren't. Not yet. I spend a lot of time with him biting my tongue holding back the urge to shout out I LOVE YOU as loudly and proudly as I can. I don't say it for several reasons. I don't want to hear the silence that follows because he can't/won't say it back to me yet. I don't want him to feel pressured to say something he's not ready to say. It will happen when the time is right. Patience, the universe is constantly teaching me patience, and well, I wish it would hurry up and get this over with.

We have a blog we share. OK, we have a blog, I post to all the time, and he reads it. I wrote this post on there,

Once again, I find myself biting back the words I long to say to you. You sit there, just across the room from me watching the race. When I am done with this, I will go to you and join you. I will curl up beside you, cuddle into you, and my heart will swell with..yeah, I won't say it yet.
I am home again. I am grounded, I am centered. I am calm, and I am secure. I won't take it for granted.
So much to say to you, so much I feel for you, but I'll wait. Hard as it is, I'll wait, and I believe it will be worth the wait. You were. We were.
Until then I lov...well, you know.
Last night when he called to tell me good night, he told me... "I read our blog you know."
Yeah, I know
And you can say it, if you want to. I'm not there yet, but I know you are.
No, really, I'll wait
You don't have to, you can say it. It won't bother me.
Ok, but not now, I'll wait.

I want to believe he wants to hear it, but I don't know. That may be just me projecting my wants and wishes onto him.

I'll wait. Difficult as it is, I'll wait.


Dixie said...

He'll get there. Patience!

Sparky Duck said...

you should wait