Thursday, February 16, 2006

Looking for powers within and Higher

Growing up the daughter of a preacher, you get Christianity drummed into you, you live it, eat it, breath it, become it. I was taught there is one God, and only 1 God. Everyone else is wrong, or everyone else in the world is worshipping our God, just calling him different names.

Growing up the daughter of a preacher, I also got to see behind the scenes and I got to see just how truly corrupt organized religion can be. I got to see how double sided and hypocritical it is. They stand up at the pulpit and preach hellfire and brimstone and damnation, and spend Monday-Saturday committing the very sins they preach about on Sunday.

So, by the time I became an adult, and could make my own choices, I chose to leave the ‘church’, but not so much the religion, or the faith. I still believe in a higher power, although I’m not so sure there is only 1 higher power, or that his name is God. I still believe in miracles, I believe in Angels. Heaven and Hell, well, I haven’t exactly made up my mind about those places yet. But what I had held on to wasn’t enough, and what I had let go of left a void in my life that I needed to fill. So, I began to explore other options out there, on my own. Taking something from here or there, tweaking beliefs I had held true, and making them truer, for me.

I’m a first born, so I’m a control freak. I plan things; I love schedules, routines, plans, notes, lists, specific things. Spontaneity is lost on me. But being a control freak frustrates the bejesus out of me, because you just can’t control life. Control is an illusion. Nobody actually has control of anything other than themselves. I’ve been struggling with letting go, being only in the moment, enjoying today, without planning and plotting tomorrow. It’s been a struggle, but there has been some progress.

Another ‘religion’ that has completely fascinated me is wicca, the study of witchcraft. I know there is good and bad magic, actually white and black magic. What calls to me is claiming powers as your own, being completely centered, and at one with the world and universal elements around you, the earth, the wind, the water, the fire. Claiming powers as your own, which is something I’ve struggled with all of my life. I’ve never really had any real power of my own, and if I did, well, stupid me, gave it away to anyone who asked, and sometimes to those who didn’t ask. There is something incredibly seductive to me about being able to own and control and claim your own powers.

I don’t know if I’ll find all the answers, or even any of the answers, but there is something that calls to me, something there that I want. I want to be able to have my own powers, I’m sure I have powers inside of me, I just need to find the way to tap into them. I’m searching, not only for my powers, but my higher power, be it God, or George, or Pete or whatever. I just know that what I’ve always known in the past isn’t working for me in the present. Who knows what I’ll find in the future.

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