Going Home, sort of

I got the phone call I've been waiting all week for, last night.

Tonight, I will dig out the suitcase, the back pack, and I will start packing.

I'm leaving Friday afternoon, and I'm going home for the weekend. I get Friday/Saturday/Sunday night with him.

Things though have changed, sort of.

The post I put here Monday is similar to one I put on the blog I created for us. Same basic message, same picture, same theme. I got an email from him....

Becky right now I just can't there are to many things that have happened. Iam no saying down the road things may work out. But right now I just can't. I do want to be friends cause I do care for you. But Iam not in love with you. I know Iam breaking your heart but its the way I feel.

It was the response I half expected, so it wasn't the crushing blow it could have been. There is hope that he hasn't ruled out the possibility of someday down the road. That's an improvement over Thanksgiving week, when he wasn't talking to me at all.

Saturday, I took the state merit test. I wanted to call him when I got done, but something prevented me from calling. Every time I went to pick up the phone, I just couldn't bring myself to call him. I knew something was going on with him, and I was sure I had an idea what, and I was positive I didn't want to know what it was. He finally called me that night.
So, what did you do today.
I took the test, blah blah blah. How was yours?
Fine.
Do I dare ask what you did today?
Oh, you can ask, you probably don't want to hear the answer.
Do I know her?
No.
That's all I want to know.

Yes, he had a 'date' of sorts. I just knew, had a feeling all day. Yes, it tugged at my heart, a lot, when he admitted it. But I expected it. I had a feeling. I knew. (again, I knew. Why can't I know lottery numbers or something important? Why this?) It's a technicality, but he's not sleeping with her. That he's saving for me, for the time being.

I know he was with her Saturday, Sunday, and Monday evening after work. I got the phone call to come 'home' this weekend, and he didn't go see her last night. He's not going to tonight. I don't know what's going on, and frankly I'm not so much a glutton for punishment that I need to know, or want to ask.

Things have changed. There's still hope, but it's not in the near future. I won't have him back in my life before I move. I'm not sure I'll have him back in my life after I move. I know that the magical 3 words I want to say, and long to hear, are stuck in my head and heart right now. He doesn't want to hear what I'm dying to say, and he can't say what I long to hear.

I will go home this weekend. With mixed emotions. Thrilled to be home again, but knowing it's not really home any more, and afraid there will be a sense of finality to it. I don't want there to be. I know this may be the last time I spend any time with him for a while. Who knows. Right now I have no feelings, no instincts, no gut reactions. I'm flying blind.

I love him. Nothing changes that. I just know that right now, well, we won't be together for a while. We'll be friends, great friends, but other than that is anyone's guess.

Steps

Small steps. That's what we're taking. Small steps back to each other, but not back to what we once had. That is gone. We will have to build new, start over, with the lessons learned from before.

Emails, phone calls, text messages, and now dates, real dates. He took me out to dinner last night. The last time we went to dinner, it was our last night 'together' as a couple. I knew that night it was going to end. Like I knew last night, we would start over.

We took the new car last night. He showed it off. Yes, it's not the Rocket, but it's nice, and it's B's car. I sat beside him, awkward, not sure what to do, what role I was expected to play. I wanted to reach over and hold his hand, or thread my arm through his, but was unsure if it would be awkward and forward and strange. He solved the problem, by reaching for mine, and holding it while we drove to town. "Thanks for coming down." he said, and gave my hand a squeeze. I smiled, and glowed inside.

We sat at the bar to eat dinner. We were the only 2 there for a minute, then an older gentleman sat down at the other end. His wife working behind the bar. We chatted with him, and the staff. Batman told them 'Thought I'd bring a good friend to dinner.', then leaned over to me and said "Is that ok?"
"Well, yeah, because it's kind of tacky to call me your piece of ass."
"Well, it's really more like I'd take my date out to dinner." he said.

He reached for my hand and held it until our dinner arrived. We ate, we laughed, we chatted with the staff. It was comfortable and familiar, easy and fun. He handed me the keys to the new car, said I could drive it home. I was reminded of the time he let me drive the Rocket for the first time. He told me then, "What's mine will eventually be yours, better get used to it. Drive it like you own it."

Last night was a mixture of the past, and the future mixing and mimicing each other. The past themes repeated in the future. Hope mixed with longing and memories. I'm not quiet ready to let go of the past, but I'm reaching for the future I see stretched out before us. I see him waiting there for me, to walk life's winding road, side by side. I know we will get there, a step at a time.

5 Pounds, 5 Pounds, My Man back for 5 Pounds

I had a real, official date last night. Even according to him, it was a real, official date. He took me out to dinner. He took the kids home early b/c Princess was sick and wanted Mommy. He called me and asked if I wanted to come down. Well, he made me an offer I just couldn’t refuse.

When I got there, he took me out to dinner, at this wonderful little place that is a converted church. We were talking about a wedding of some friends that will take place next summer. I told him, “I would still love to do the bridal shoot for A, even though you and I aren’t dating and I probably won’t make the wedding.”
“Well, you know, this constitutes a date. And I’m pretty sure, you’ll make C and A’s wedding this summer.”

Hmmmm….

Lying in bed last night, we started talking about my weight. I think it had something to do with the fact that I barely ate anything at dinner. He told me, “You know, you really do need to start eating more. I’d like to see you gain about 5 pounds. At least.”
Why?
You and I both know 115 isn't a healthy weight for you.
Ok, but what happens if I don't?
I'll cut you off.
You'll end up cutting yourself off too, so that's not going to work.
I could make you wait another 3 weeks....
You'll wait 3 weeks with me. So what do I get if I gain 5 pounds?
H*** P**** (edited)
I get that now, at 115.
OK, more h*** p****.
How much more?
I'll make it all worth your while....
Uh, huh, worth my while?
Gain 5 pounds and I'll make it worth your while.....
Like long term worth my while?
I'll make it worth your while.

Ok, while I don’t know exactly what ‘worth your while’ means, but I have my suspicions. I know that gaining the extra 5 pounds should be for myself, and not for him, but anyone who knows me, really knows me, knows, I won’t gain the 5 pounds on my own.

5 pounds, 5 pounds, the love of my life, for 5 pounds. Bring on the cookies!