We're Home (start reading here)

It was an incredible vacation and there are lots of stories to tell. I was going to write it all in one blog post but I was afraid that I'd miss something or forget something. So I'll write it out in individual blog posts. There will be many.

It was a great week for so many reasons. It was an INCREDIBLE race, and unless you've been hiding under a rock this week, you've seen the awesome finish! The first half was a snoozer, but damn if the boys didn't entertain in the last half.

I took over 400 pictures on this trip (Mostly at the track) so it will take a day or two to get through them all, but I promise there will be many posted here, and a link to a photo website for the rest.

The weather was much much warmer than what we left behind, but once you get used to it, it's still cold. We had to laugh at the weather girl on race day. They were calling for temps in the 50's (58 to be exact) and the weather girl was telling people to dress in layers. Like 7 layers, shirts, sweaters, sweatshirts, coats. OK. I'll agree, when the sun went down, it got cold. 3 layers cold (henly, hoodie, jacket) but not 7 layers cold.

When we rolled into Orlando Friday night, it was 46 (And yes, I know, 46 is cold. But compared to 2 and 10" of snow that we left behind in Mo, 46 was rather pleasant.) We got so tickled at the people walking the streets bundled up in parkas, scarves, hats, and gloves like it was freezing cold. Batman and I were in tee shirts, and jackets with our windows rolled down.

Much to tell, many laughs and memories to share, and pictures too. So, grab a chair, get comfortable, and I'll tell you a story or two.

Home, not like it used to be

I went home this weekend. And just like the saying goes, it's true, you really can't go back home. Things are different now, as they should be. We are different now. There have been pain, and anger, and betrayal, and now, there is forgiveness, and patience, and faith.

I know that I spent a lot of time wishing I could go back, back to the happier days, back to when things were good between us, back to the way things used to be. But now, I know I can't go back, and really, I wouldn't want to go back.

I had to learn some really hard lessons, some really painful lessons, but good lessons. I had to let go of some things from my past. I had to learn to react differently to situations. I had to grow up.

Things are different between us now. Different in a good way. Some things are much the same, and I take great comfort and find hope in that.

Birthday Present

I am having this picture of Batman's parent's house, blown up to 10X15, printed on canvas, and stretched over a wood frame for Dad J for his birthday. It will be the biggest print of any of my pictures to date. I'm actually kind of excited about it. Hope he likes it.

Trusting the universe

No matter what the outer situation is like, your inner compass always tells you the right direction. It might take a little time and effort on your part to see which way it's swinging, but once you do, you're set.

There is my horoscope for today.

A few days ago I posted this. I had been on the brink of something and just really wanted to make sure of the decision, the direction, the choice I was going to make. I was giving myself time to think it through, and to be sure, before I posted about it.

I talked about a make or break kind of deal, things promised, hinted at and talked about would factor greatly into the decision made, and the course taken.

This past weekend, I talked to Batman on Friday. He was finally back at work, and was feeling better. We talked Friday night on our way home. He mentioned that he was feeling much better, and that maybe we should get together this week, Wednesday was looking good for us. I, of course, readily agreed.

But then the weekend passed without a phone call from him, which is odd, but not so much. He was tired, he had his kids, they would wear him out. Still, a phone call? Not too much to hope for.

So, the kernel started in my mind Saturday. Maybe, stupid, the Universe has been trying to tell you all along, you've just been to stubborn to listen. I mean after all, how many more signs do you need, to get the message? There was snow, there was ice, there was more snow and ice, there was schedules, there was a trip to the hospital, there was pneumonia. How many more signs do you need?

ONE MORE.

I sat down, and asked my higher power, "I have believed from the beginning that we were meant to be together. That was impressed upon my heart clear as day, early on. I believed it. I also believe things change. I have laid our relationship at your feet or in your hands and left the course up to you. I don't want to believe I was wrong, but I will accept it if I was. I am once again, leaving the choice to you. I am asking for one last sign.

If we are meant to be, if that is the course you've laid for me, if he is to be in my life, someday, I am asking for Wednesday night. He's hinted at it, but I know things can happen and plans get cancelled. If he's meant to be a part of my life, then please, let me have Wednesday night with him. If we're not meant to be, if I am to give up hope, let him go, walk away, then don't give me Wednesday. If things fall through, and plans get cancelled, I will accept that as the final sign that I should give up, and walk away. I am just asking for one more sign."

I was ready to lay it all down for him, let it go, give up, walk away, and be alone.

So, Monday morning dawns. I check the weather for the week, and look, they're calling for snow on Wednesday. Great. Well, just flurries, so hopefully nothing serious. I'm still planning on going to see him.

Tuesday morning, I get to work, my cell phone rings. It's Batman. My heart sinks. He hasn't called me in the mornings since we broke up. An early morning phone call, is never good news. This was no exception. He was calling to tell me that his cell phone was not working, so if I tried to call his phone, he really wasn't ignoring me, it's just not working. I took the chance and asked him "So, we're still on for tomorrow night? Right?"
Unless you've changed your mind.
No chance in that. Have you changed yours?
No. I want to see you.

Wednesday morning. The BIG DAY. 6:45AM my phone rings again. Again, it's Batman. Again, early morning calls are never good. I almost didn't answer it because I didn't want to hear. But I couldn't not answer it, because if he was cancelling our plans, then there was something seriously wrong, and I needed to know what it was. So, I answered the phone. And we talk, he sounds fine, upbeat actually. I can't figure it out. I keep waiting for the bomb, that never comes. I can't stand it, so I bite the bullet, and ask "You're not calling with bad news are you?"
NO, why?
You're not backing out?
No
I'm still coming to see you tonight?
Yes.
Oh thank god.

I went 'home' last night. I was met in the driveway by him. I walked into the house and was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses.

I took that as my sign, that while I don't know where this path will lead us, I know that he's going to be a part of the journey for a while longer. I've learned to trust that the universe will lead me down the right path. I have learned to listen to my inner voice, my gut, my instincts. I've learned to trust my inner compass, it will lead me in the right direction. Unfortunately sometimes it takes longer than I want it to, and I have not learned patience yet. But I will.

Going home tonight, MY home

There is our five day forecast this week. At least the temperatures are looking better than we've seen. Not so about the rest. Who would have thought that 38 would feel like a regular heat wave?

I went home at lunch, and we have electricity and water, so after work, I will pick up the kids, and we will all go home tonight, eat dinner in our house, sleep in our own beds. Oh don't get me wrong, I love my family, I love my mother, and I was so grateful she had heat and spare beds, and provided for us last night. But truthfully, there is nothing better than sleeping in my own home, under my own roof, in my own bed, knowing my babies sleep close by in their own beds.

Update of sorts

I drove by the apartment this morning before going to work, and it looks like we might have electricity. I'll know for sure at lunch when I go home to make sure my pipes haven't froze and busted.

While I love my mother, I love being in my own place, in my own bed. And that's where I want to sleep tonight. If I can't sleep in my bed, the only other bed I want to sleep in is B's.

And I don't see that happening soon. He's at home again today. The pneumonia is kicking his ass. I had a gut feeling this morning, and it wouldn't go away, and I couldn't ignore it. I called just to see how he was. He sounded so sick, and small, in that little boy voice they all get when they are sick. It's only cute the first day or so, then it becomes an irritating whine, but today, it was sweet and cute, and tugged at my heart.

Not much to write about right now. There will be more later. I'm sure. It was a boring quiet night. I want to go home.

Going Home, sort of

I got the phone call I've been waiting all week for, last night.

Tonight, I will dig out the suitcase, the back pack, and I will start packing.

I'm leaving Friday afternoon, and I'm going home for the weekend. I get Friday/Saturday/Sunday night with him.

Things though have changed, sort of.

The post I put here Monday is similar to one I put on the blog I created for us. Same basic message, same picture, same theme. I got an email from him....

Becky right now I just can't there are to many things that have happened. Iam no saying down the road things may work out. But right now I just can't. I do want to be friends cause I do care for you. But Iam not in love with you. I know Iam breaking your heart but its the way I feel.

It was the response I half expected, so it wasn't the crushing blow it could have been. There is hope that he hasn't ruled out the possibility of someday down the road. That's an improvement over Thanksgiving week, when he wasn't talking to me at all.

Saturday, I took the state merit test. I wanted to call him when I got done, but something prevented me from calling. Every time I went to pick up the phone, I just couldn't bring myself to call him. I knew something was going on with him, and I was sure I had an idea what, and I was positive I didn't want to know what it was. He finally called me that night.
So, what did you do today.
I took the test, blah blah blah. How was yours?
Fine.
Do I dare ask what you did today?
Oh, you can ask, you probably don't want to hear the answer.
Do I know her?
No.
That's all I want to know.

Yes, he had a 'date' of sorts. I just knew, had a feeling all day. Yes, it tugged at my heart, a lot, when he admitted it. But I expected it. I had a feeling. I knew. (again, I knew. Why can't I know lottery numbers or something important? Why this?) It's a technicality, but he's not sleeping with her. That he's saving for me, for the time being.

I know he was with her Saturday, Sunday, and Monday evening after work. I got the phone call to come 'home' this weekend, and he didn't go see her last night. He's not going to tonight. I don't know what's going on, and frankly I'm not so much a glutton for punishment that I need to know, or want to ask.

Things have changed. There's still hope, but it's not in the near future. I won't have him back in my life before I move. I'm not sure I'll have him back in my life after I move. I know that the magical 3 words I want to say, and long to hear, are stuck in my head and heart right now. He doesn't want to hear what I'm dying to say, and he can't say what I long to hear.

I will go home this weekend. With mixed emotions. Thrilled to be home again, but knowing it's not really home any more, and afraid there will be a sense of finality to it. I don't want there to be. I know this may be the last time I spend any time with him for a while. Who knows. Right now I have no feelings, no instincts, no gut reactions. I'm flying blind.

I love him. Nothing changes that. I just know that right now, well, we won't be together for a while. We'll be friends, great friends, but other than that is anyone's guess.

The kids come home tomorrow!

The kids come home tomorrow. It's been a week since I've seen them. We will be back on normal schedules now, and they will be home more than they are gone, at least until summer. I have really enjoyed the peaceful evenings being alone has given me. When I think about it though, I miss their laughter, their giggles, their yelling and even the arguments. It reminds me that I have 3 wonderful kids, and I've been very blessed.

Bo, will live with his father full time now. I have agreed to give him legal custody of him, and allow Bo to live with him. I think at 13 Bo really shouldn't be living with 3 females, he needs a man in his life. (Unfortunately he won't get that with his father either, but hopefully there are friends of his father around who are real men., but that's another post entirely).

2006 is gone, and with it, my past. I have let it go. I am embracing 2007 and my future. The girls are starting to get excited about moving to a new town this summer, meeting new people. Maybe it has a lot to do with I promised we would check into Girl Scouts, and gymnastics for them, as a way to make new friends and meet new people.

One more quiet night at home. Tomorrow the circus comes back around, and my house will be full of laughter, and noise, and kids. It will feel like home again.

Home Again

Home.

That is home, well, sort of.

That's Batman's home.

That is the balcony I stood on this summer and realized I was home.

This was my safe haven this summer. When my life was crazy and out of control, it was here that I could relax, and breathe. I could let go of the insanity, and I could just be. It was here that I would come to recharge my batteries, to heal my heart and soul. It was here that I was reborn. It was here that I found my true worth, my true strength, my true love. It was on this balcony that I finally saw my life for what it was, a train wreck. It was here that I finally truly saw that no matter what the courts said, my life still wasn't mine to live how I wanted. I wasn't free. It was here, that I discovered I needed to free myself and my girls from the tenticles of the past. It was here that I found the strength and courage to fight to free myself and my girls from the force of evil that is their father. It was here that I began to finally claim the whole of my life as my own.

It hasn't been home to me for a while, but it will be home again. I can feel it in my heart and soul. Things in my life are coming around full circle. I will stand on that balcony again, with a cup of coffee, and watch the sun come up to start a new day in my life. MY LIFE. Mine.

Home. More than a building, it is the family inside, the love, the acceptance. The people in this house, are home to me, they are family. They are my support and encouragement. There is love and laughter in abundance in this house. There is happiness and joy and acceptance. I was/am only truly alive and completely happy when I was there. I will be again.

I know in my heart of hearts, in my deepest soul, I will go home again. Soon. I will have traveled the path set before me, and I will have faced the demons that were haunting me. They will soon lay dead at my feet. I will step over them, and start my journey home.

Soon. I will be going home.

T minus 10 and Counting

So, I didn't get my smooch (over the phone or otherwise) at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve. That's ok. I think I got something a little bit better.

Batman and I did talk on the phone that evening, several times actually. I had sent him a text message earlier that morning, the scale had told me I had reached the magicall number of 120. I looked in the mirror, and noticed my stomach wasn't as concave as it used to be, the hip bones weren't protruding as distinctly as they had been. In fact, I was looking a lot less Nicole Richie than I had been in the past weeks.

I told him, "Look, I've carried out my end of the deal, kept up my end of the bargin. Now it's time for you to ante up. Make this worth my while, or it all comes off again."
Oh it will so be worth your while. But you can't get it this week.
Yeah, because you have the kids. Look, mine go back to school on Wednesday, don't yours?
Nope, I have them all week and weekend. They go home Sunday.
So, what you're saying to me is, the earliest I will get to see you is Wednesday, January 10th?
Uh, yeah, looks that way.
Well, Hell. But hey.......I would be willing to wait an extra 2 days, and come down on Friday the 12th, if you would give me the entire weekend. If you would let me spend the entire weekend, Friday/Saturday/Sunday night there, just like I used to.
Well, I think I can manage that.
So, I get the entire weekend, if I wait until the 12th?
Yeah, we can swing that.

In 10 days, (Hence the perfect blog title) I will leave work at 5:00 and with my bags already packed, I will head out of here, and go home again. Home. I haven't been home since October. Yes, I've spent the night there occassionally, but I haven't spent a weekend. I'm going home again.

And yes, I will find out exactly what was 'worth my while' that weekend too. You all know what I want.

We are making our way back to each other. It just seems to me that the universe has chosen to put us on the long and winding scenic route back together. And damn it I want to be on the Autobahn. Enough with the wandering around shit, let's get this show on the road, let's get back together so we can get on with our happily ever after.

Yeah, patience hasn't been one of my strongest virtures.

The Balcony

I stood on the balcony, our balcony, last Thursday night, and looked out over the now familiar landscape. I was transported back in time, a few months ago, earlier this summer. I stood in this same spot, looking over the same landscape, and was struck with the realization that I was home. Even though my address was some 2 hours away, I truly lived here. This house, this family, this man, this place had become my home. I let myself drift along on the memories.

Standing there in the early morning, watching the sun come up, starting the day with B and a cup of coffee, listening, watching the world around us wake up and start the day. Watching a storm, violent, powerful roll in, feeling the wind blow and hearing it howl. Letting the power of the storm vibrate though our bodies, being powerless and mesmerized and captivated by the storm that raged around us. Standing outside at night, feeling the cool summer breeze blow around our bodies still warm from passions spent. Sitting out there one early summer morning, purging the residue of a disturbing dream, and finding the meaning hidden deep inside it. Then, when the time was right, sharing the dream and the message and lesson learned with B. It was on that balcony that the need to free myself from the tentacles of my past became abundantly clear, and where the plan started to form.

Back to present day, I stood on our balcony again, and realized it wasn’t all that long ago I had been fairly certain, I would never be back here again. And for a while, even that was true. But miracles happen, forgiveness can be given, and here I was, once again. Only it was different. The house, the town, it’s not home any more. Right now, the man isn’t mine either, not in the way he used to be. I am not his. I’m not family, I’m just a visitor, a welcome visitor, but not family. I love being there with him, but it’s not mine anymore.

We are finding our way to something new. What we shared this summer, what we felt for each other, is no more. That’s not to say we can’t find something else, we can’t make something new. There will be new memories, of that I’m sure. My home is not there. It’s not here either, it is somewhere in between yet to be determined.

I purged a lot of my past from my life this weekend. Everything up to August, up to the point I met and fell in love with Batman. Maybe the universe is telling me I need to purge that too, the residue of what was and is no more, to make way for what will be and can be and is to be. I think that takes more faith than even I can manage, and I’ve had some amazing things happen in my life recently.

You can’t go home, once you’ve left. It’s never the same again. That balcony will always be full of wonderful memories for me, it is where I first realized I needed to get away, find my own life, start over fresh. It was where the seed of strength and determination was planted. I took my first steps down the path to my new life, right there on that balcony, with Batman beside me.

I will stand there again with him someday. Maybe we’ll watch the sun rise again, maybe the breeze will blow around us, chilling us just enough that we reach for each other for warmth. Maybe there will be more moments shared there, over coffee, a sunrise, or even a sunset. I have pictures of my future on that balcony that come to me, and promise me there will be more days there. Just be patient, wait. It’s not your time, just yet, but it will be. Someday.

Meet 'Batman'

Meet Batman. Not the name I'm sticking with, that's for sure. Just the one he has for now. We've been spending a lot of time on the phone, because he has to drive 70 miles to work each day. So, to avoid huge cell phone bills, he just added me to his plan, got me a phone, which he immediately dubbed 'The Bat Phone' and there ya have it. But really, how sweet is that, that he just without question, added me to his plan, got me a phone, and now we don't have huge bills to pay, and we can talk all day?

I got an IM from him the other day.."I just got you a present. It's one of those things that you see and say got to buy it for her." Now, tell me, really, how sweet is that? Turns out he got me a Kasey Kahne ball cap. For those of you not in the know, Kasey Kahne is a NASCAR driver, #9, drives for Dodge.

Ok, on a serious note, there is just something about this guy that does it for me. I have had more than my share of conversations with my sister about how I manage to screw up my personal life, my love life, I'm my own worst enemy. I have even asked her 'How do you know, what exactly is good enough.' And she told me, "When it's everything you've ever dreamed of." And I think maybe he is.

With everyone else in the past, there have always been issues, something that was off, something that rubbed me wrong, didn't sit right, kept things from being good, let alone perfect. I was always wondering, guessing, doubting, weighing and measuring words and actions. I was always looking for hidden meanings behind words and actions. With Batman, there is none of that. I knew the moment I fell in love with him, and I knew the moment he fell in love with me. I don't question it, I just accept it. He gets me. There have been so many things said and done along the way that just reconfirms to me that he's the man I was born to be with.

I took pictures of his son (Scooter) at the motor cross race last weekend. I was scared to death that they wouldn't turn out. When I saw the digital pictures, and saw how amazing they were, I almost cried, I was just blown away that I had done that. He knew. When I dropped off the 2 rolls of film I shot that weekend I was scared to death they wouldn't turn out (I'm still learning about film) and when we got them back, and I saw they were nearly perfect, I was speachless, and he knew.

I wrote him a letter before I left, he happened to see me writing and told me, 'I didn't mean to interupt, go ahead, keep writing in your journal.' For those of you who know my history, you know how huge that is for me. He told me in the pool last week, 'You can't have a strong WE unless there is a strong YOU and a strong ME.' He's been to therapy after his divorce, he not only listened, he learned, he got something out of it.

I can't put my finger on it, there is nothing that says "This is why", but I knew, in an instant, knew beyond all reason, beyond all doubt, that I would love this man, and that he would love me and that he was the man I was meant to find. He is everything I ever dreamed of.

I wrote him a letter.... "I fell in love with this weekend, and it had nothing to do with my camera. A week, 10 days, doesn't matter. You asked me before, and I wasn't sure then, I am now. I understand if you're not there yet, you'll tell me when/if you get there, but I am, and I know now, more sure than I've known anything else in my life...I love you. I used to wonder how I would know when it was right, when I had found someone who was good enough for me and I was good enough for. My sister said “You’ll know, because it will be everything you’ve ever dreamed of.” And she was right, because I’ve found everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I’ve found you. The things we regret the most in life are the things not done. I don’t ever want to regret not telling you how I feel. I love you. Plain and simple, with everything that I am, I love you.” He cried when he read it, and he kept it. He gets it.

I leave tonight, right after work, the kids and I are going to spend the weekend with him and his kids. They have a go-cart, they have a pool, they have horses, the kids will have so much fun. The girls are excited about meeting his daughter, cute little 3 year old Princess. Bo already thinks Scooter is cool because he races dirt bikes.

It's home. That's what it feels like with him. The broken road I've traveled has lead me straight to him.