I know you want it, you'll just have to wait

I know that many of you are dying for details and updates on my weekend spent with Batman. I can tell you there will be an update of sorts, later. Right now, let's just say that I'm very happy, I'm content, and satisfied, and secure. I don't know any other way to put it right now. And I don't want to over-analyze things. I just want to savor my memories, a little while longer.

Did you notice?

The Perfect Trifecta today

3 months

3 weeks

3 days...


I'm also just saying... I leave tomorrow to spend the weekend with Batman, so blog posts will be minimal if at all, there will be updates on Monday.

Have a good weekend ya'll, I know I will!!!!!

Right here, right now, what is was, what is wasn't

I wasn't going to blog about my weekend with Batman. I was going to take it for what it was, enjoy it, save the memories, keep them to myself, and just go on.

I had stopped obsessing about Batman. I had taken a step back, given up hope that we were slowly taking baby steps towards something. I realized, I had us (ok, him) virtually under a microscope, searching for hidden messages, hidden meanings behind everything he said and did. I was analyzing everything he said and did. I was desperately looking for any molecule of hope for a future with him. When in reality, a kiss is some times, just a kiss.

Kisses are not contracts, and presents are not promises, and company is not security. Love is not forever.

My sister wrote about Now, being in the moment, dealing, living, accepting, experiencing the right here, right now. I used to think this was just another wild tangent she was off and running with, until I started to 'hear' what she was saying, and then started to see how it worked in my life, and then a light went on.

I spent a lot of time remembering what used to be, wanting to go back to where we were. Trying to get back what we had. Living in the memories of days gone by. Wallowing in the sadness of things gone. My heart and soul were (to borrow her phrase) tied up in things that didn't exist. Yesterday is gone, never to return, and tomorrow isn't here yet, and we have no promise it ever will be. All we have is today, right here, right now.

I had this weekend with Batman. I wasn't sure I would get it, after all, the past had shown me that the best laid plans meant nothing. Plans get canceled, people get sick, Mother Nature is a bitch. I had asked for a sign from the Universe, and I got it. In spades. The difference this time, was that I got the sign and instead of reading my own interpretation into it, instead of taking it and running with it and making it so much more than it was, I just accepted it for what it really was.

I had a weekend. It was a wonderful weekend. It was everything I wanted it to be. The truth is, what I wanted it to be has changed. I accepted that it was, what it was, a weekend, spent with him. It wasn't a promise of a future, it wasn't a marriage proposal, it wasn't a reunion tour. It was 2 nights. It was fun, it was wonderful. It was what it was.

We talked about things we'll do together, I know there will be more weekends spent together, there will be more nights spent with him. There were things hinted at, future plans talked about. But nothing was carved in stone. It was a weekend, much like what we used to share, and yet, much different.

As it should be. We're different, things have changed between us. We are no longer the people we were before, and our relationship is no longer the same as it was back then. I have spent so many times trying to get back to where we were, trying to get back what has been lost, that I have missed out on what we have, and where we are.

I accepted that I had this weekend. I accept that it was a sign that he's going to be around in my life still. I've accepted that I don't know to what extent, and I've accepted that I don't know for how long. But I have right here, and I have right now. I had the weekend, it was wonderful, I have hope for tomorrow, I have the promise of Wednesday night this week. But today, right here, right now, I have wonderful memories, hopes and promises, and a wonderful man who is going to share these with me. I have nothing more than that.

Right now, right here, it is enough.

I hate pneumonia

I hate pneumonia.

And I don't even have it.

Not even the sniffles.

Nothing.

Batman does though.

It's kickin' his ass.

Hard.

Bitch.

He's so sick right now, he can't get out of bed. Which, to me, sounds perfect, as that's right where I want him. But right now, he can't do a damn thing. Too weak to get up (yeah, I went there. Deal.)

I hate pneumonia.

The kids are coming this weekend. Mine to my house, his to his house. He needs his strength for them. I can wait. What's another week, or 10 days, when I've waited a month?

So, I wait.

I hate pneumonia.

Almost as much as I hate winter storms.

Better check your local listings, I'll bet we get nailed again with another winter storm a week from Friday.

Why?

Next possible weekend I can spend with Batman.

Watch, I'll have pneumonia.

I hate winter.

I hate pneumonia.

My Weekend.

So, how do plans to spend a wonderful weekend full of wicked debaucery wearing nothing more than a smile, disappear in less than 24 hours? Let me tell you. Dad gets sick, a sinus infection returns, and Mother Nature is a cruel bitch. Period.

My weekend, such as it was, was so not everything I had wanted it to be. It wasn't anything like Batman had hoped either.

Thursday I get an email from him "May have to cancel this weekend, Dad is in the hospital. I'll let you know." I love his dad, and so this is a double whammy of bad news. Friday night is out of the question, maybe Saturday and Sunday, let's see what the doctors say.

Friday rolls around, and Mother Nature takes a swing at me. Yeah, the rain starts, and the temperatures fall, and jumpingelmoeatingcheesecake, another god damned winter storm. What is this, a conspiracy? Well, let's see what happens today and tonight. Maybe tomorrow still. I'll call you.

Saturday morning dawns. I'm up, showered, packed, loaded up. I venture out to the parking lot, where there is some ice covering my vehicle, but the ground is covered with sleet, not a solid sheet of ice. Great! There's hope! Awesome. I get in the van, start it up, let it warm up, clear all the ice off of it, and load up my suitcase and shit. And wait. And wait. I call B, no answer. Leave a message. And wait. I actually drive into town, just to check out the road conditions, and yeah, they're clear. No problem at all. Wahoo! I'm going, just need to find out when. The phone rings. "It's not a good weekend. We've got 2 inches of ice here, the roads are a mess, and I'm getting my sinus infection back. I'm sick as a dog (and he was) and it's just not a good weekend. I promise we will get together. Just not this weekend."

So, I call mom to see if I can hang out at her place, use the Internet, and watch cable, and basically keep myself entertained so that I don't think about the plans that just went up in flames (or down in ice and snot....whatever). "You can't get up here. The roads are terrible. We have ice everywhere, and they haven't touched the roads. We're shut down, completely."

Great. Someone out there just has it in for me, big time, and I'm not very happy at this point. Mother nature has a sick twisted sense of humor, dumping this second winter storm on us, and making sure it hits everywhere I want to be, leaving me the one person able to get out with no where I can go.

Batman did tell me, "This weekend sure as hell didn't play out the way I had hoped and was planning for it to." Yeah, tell me about it.

I fucking hate winter.

Horoscope for today. Nailed this one.

You know you could manipulate the situation to achieve your desired outcome, but is that really such a good idea? Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. You're better off thinking before you act.


There's my horoscope today. I laughed so hard, I almost cried when I read it. I took today off, so that I could drive to LeMay Ferry and spend the afternoon with B (ya know, start the weekend early), and then yesterday happened. Ok, I'll roll with the punches. I still had today off, and had nothing to do today. I thought, what the hell, I can still drive to LeMay Ferry, spend the day at work with him and come home tonight. I won't get my weekend, but I'll have the afternoon with him.

So, I called him, left him a message, and took off down the highway. I got 20 miles down the road, and I heard a voice tell me, "Turn around, go home. If you go today, you won't get your weekend. Go home, and go tomorrow." While I looked for a place to turn around, he called me. "Today wouldn't be a good day, it's crazy around here. I'll call you later about this weekend. Still waiting to hear about Dad."

Needless to say, I turned around. Then I got my horoscope. Yes, I could have manipulated the situation to get the outcome I wanted. I could have gone to him today and spent the day with him at work and come home tonight and had only this afternoon (instead of 2 nights) with him. But was it really a good idea? Forcing the issue? Just because I could, doesn't mean I should.

I'm at home, waiting for the phone call from him. I'm pretty sure I know what he's going to say, and it won't be what I want to hear, but there is comfort in knowing I didn't force the issue, I didn't push, and I didn't crowd him, even though I wanted to, and even though I started to, I changed my course of action today.

Road block, after road block, after road block

I'm here today, and maybe this whole weekend. It's still up in the air. Batman's dad ended up in the hospital yesterday for a bit. He's been fighting cancer, (a tumor around his vocal cords) and yesterday he couldn't breathe. They rushed him to the hospital, where they did some x-rays, and a scope, and put him on some medication. They are waiting to hear back from the doctors about the test results, and we'll see where we go from here. So, that cancelled tonight's plans at the least. There is still hope maybe tomorrow and Sunday.

But I'm thinking Mother Nature is a cruel bitch. Because now they are calling for rain, sleet, freezing rain and snow the entire weekend. Even if Dad is doing better, the damn freaking weather may keep me here.

Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.

Till Tuesday....

I don't think there will be time tomorrow to get anything posted here, and well, I am going 'home' tomorrow for the weekend. And if you all think for half a second I'll be showing my face around here this weekend, think again. I love y'all, but well, I love me some big h*** p**** more.

So, if I come up for air, and come back to town early enough Monday there might be some goodies to share then. Otherwise, you will have to wait till Tuesday for the latest and greatest escapades in my life.

Ciao!

T minus 10 and Counting

So, I didn't get my smooch (over the phone or otherwise) at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve. That's ok. I think I got something a little bit better.

Batman and I did talk on the phone that evening, several times actually. I had sent him a text message earlier that morning, the scale had told me I had reached the magicall number of 120. I looked in the mirror, and noticed my stomach wasn't as concave as it used to be, the hip bones weren't protruding as distinctly as they had been. In fact, I was looking a lot less Nicole Richie than I had been in the past weeks.

I told him, "Look, I've carried out my end of the deal, kept up my end of the bargin. Now it's time for you to ante up. Make this worth my while, or it all comes off again."
Oh it will so be worth your while. But you can't get it this week.
Yeah, because you have the kids. Look, mine go back to school on Wednesday, don't yours?
Nope, I have them all week and weekend. They go home Sunday.
So, what you're saying to me is, the earliest I will get to see you is Wednesday, January 10th?
Uh, yeah, looks that way.
Well, Hell. But hey.......I would be willing to wait an extra 2 days, and come down on Friday the 12th, if you would give me the entire weekend. If you would let me spend the entire weekend, Friday/Saturday/Sunday night there, just like I used to.
Well, I think I can manage that.
So, I get the entire weekend, if I wait until the 12th?
Yeah, we can swing that.

In 10 days, (Hence the perfect blog title) I will leave work at 5:00 and with my bags already packed, I will head out of here, and go home again. Home. I haven't been home since October. Yes, I've spent the night there occassionally, but I haven't spent a weekend. I'm going home again.

And yes, I will find out exactly what was 'worth my while' that weekend too. You all know what I want.

We are making our way back to each other. It just seems to me that the universe has chosen to put us on the long and winding scenic route back together. And damn it I want to be on the Autobahn. Enough with the wandering around shit, let's get this show on the road, let's get back together so we can get on with our happily ever after.

Yeah, patience hasn't been one of my strongest virtures.