Monday, January 29, 2007

Right here, right now, what is was, what is wasn't

I wasn't going to blog about my weekend with Batman. I was going to take it for what it was, enjoy it, save the memories, keep them to myself, and just go on.

I had stopped obsessing about Batman. I had taken a step back, given up hope that we were slowly taking baby steps towards something. I realized, I had us (ok, him) virtually under a microscope, searching for hidden messages, hidden meanings behind everything he said and did. I was analyzing everything he said and did. I was desperately looking for any molecule of hope for a future with him. When in reality, a kiss is some times, just a kiss.

Kisses are not contracts, and presents are not promises, and company is not security. Love is not forever.

My sister wrote about Now, being in the moment, dealing, living, accepting, experiencing the right here, right now. I used to think this was just another wild tangent she was off and running with, until I started to 'hear' what she was saying, and then started to see how it worked in my life, and then a light went on.

I spent a lot of time remembering what used to be, wanting to go back to where we were. Trying to get back what we had. Living in the memories of days gone by. Wallowing in the sadness of things gone. My heart and soul were (to borrow her phrase) tied up in things that didn't exist. Yesterday is gone, never to return, and tomorrow isn't here yet, and we have no promise it ever will be. All we have is today, right here, right now.

I had this weekend with Batman. I wasn't sure I would get it, after all, the past had shown me that the best laid plans meant nothing. Plans get canceled, people get sick, Mother Nature is a bitch. I had asked for a sign from the Universe, and I got it. In spades. The difference this time, was that I got the sign and instead of reading my own interpretation into it, instead of taking it and running with it and making it so much more than it was, I just accepted it for what it really was.

I had a weekend. It was a wonderful weekend. It was everything I wanted it to be. The truth is, what I wanted it to be has changed. I accepted that it was, what it was, a weekend, spent with him. It wasn't a promise of a future, it wasn't a marriage proposal, it wasn't a reunion tour. It was 2 nights. It was fun, it was wonderful. It was what it was.

We talked about things we'll do together, I know there will be more weekends spent together, there will be more nights spent with him. There were things hinted at, future plans talked about. But nothing was carved in stone. It was a weekend, much like what we used to share, and yet, much different.

As it should be. We're different, things have changed between us. We are no longer the people we were before, and our relationship is no longer the same as it was back then. I have spent so many times trying to get back to where we were, trying to get back what has been lost, that I have missed out on what we have, and where we are.

I accepted that I had this weekend. I accept that it was a sign that he's going to be around in my life still. I've accepted that I don't know to what extent, and I've accepted that I don't know for how long. But I have right here, and I have right now. I had the weekend, it was wonderful, I have hope for tomorrow, I have the promise of Wednesday night this week. But today, right here, right now, I have wonderful memories, hopes and promises, and a wonderful man who is going to share these with me. I have nothing more than that.

Right now, right here, it is enough.


Anonymous said...

Accepting that what was is truly what was is a bright and happy thing to do. Just as we have to accept the what is is the what is.

Your writing is really good by the way.


Dixie said...

Good, I'm glad you enjoyed your weekend.

Yeah that whole microscope thing really sux. Just enjoy the moments and take them at face value.