Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Mending fences, and making peace

Mend fences with someone from your past. That doesn't mean you two necessarily have to be friends again. (Heck, you may not even have to contact them directly.) But you do have to make peace with what happened.

Mend fences with someone from my past. I'm not sure who really. Believe me there are an abundance of people I could mend fences with, not counting the Forces of Evil.

There is the young Knucklehead. He's called twice now, in a month, and I haven't called him back. I know what he wants. He wants to get together, throw back some Morgan, and catch up on old times. The problem is, I don't. I probably would, except that I realize now he has way more issues than I ever did, and well, I just don't want to have to deal with them. Not any more. There was a time, I could bury my head in the sand, and pretend they were just his issues and had no bearing on me. I realize now, they did effect me. I always wanted to 'fix' him and he never realized there was a problem, because to him it was never a problem. To me it was always a deal breaker, ultimately.

There is CW, who tried to see me earlier this month when he was in town, but because of an exchange of emails we didn't get together. I still stand behind my decision, and will continue to stand behind my decision. I wonder if maybe I could have been a little less forceful, and rude, and been a little more polite about voicing my displeasure, and my decision.

As for making peace with what happened? Do I have anything in my past that I haven't made peace with? I'm not sure. I can't think of anything right now. I don't have any unmended fences that I need to mend and make peace with. At least none that I can think of.

Except Batman.

Mended fences. Our fences are not what they used to be, but they aren't broken either. I have to make peace with the fact that my actions caused things to change between us. It was one of the catalysts, not the only one, and maybe not the defining one, but it was a major one. My actions caused doubts and destroyed trust. I have to make peace with the fact that I'll never get to go back there, to what we had, ever again. What we had is gone, and what we have now is vastly different.

I've apologized for what I did, and he's accepted that apology and he's admitted that he knows the truth about the other incident as well. But too many things have happened and we can't go back to where we left off. Maybe we can find a new starting point, some where down the line.

But for now, I need to make peace with where we are.

No comments: