Friday, January 5, 2007

Thank you for your concern, I'm going to be fantabulous

Can I just say Thank you to all of my readers out there who in the course of the past month or so have sent emails to me, asking me if I’m ok? I know that at times, my thoughts on here get pretty dark, and hopeless and depressing. But the thing I’m learning about me is, I’m a fighter. I don’t wallow in the darkness long. It’s no fun there.

I have been through hell in my personal life. For far too long I’ve been through hell. I have allowed too many people, too many unworthy, undeserving people to have too much power in my life. Made it easy to blame them for the shit going wrong in my life. But the truth of the matter is, it wasn’t their fault really. It was mine, my fault for not standing up and taking back my power, for allowing them to do what they did.

I have learned a lot lately. When my world fell apart I could have crumbled with it, but I didn’t. At times I stumbled, and tripped, but I picked myself up and kept going. I found a strength in my I didn’t know I had. My sister said at the time, that maybe we both needed to go through this, to learn some lessons. And if it was meant to be it would all work out in the end. I didn’t want to believe her then, but I see she was probably right.

I had to learn to fight my own fights, on my own, without having someone to lean on. If I leaned on him, he would have stepped up and helped, or fought for me, and it wasn’t his fight to fight. I had to learn to face my demons on my own, for myself. I also had to face my own responsibility, the part I had played in the path my life had taken. I had to own up to what I had done to end up where I was. That was not pretty, and it was not easy, but it was important and it was healthy.

I had to learn that if I allow them too, the demons in my head will continue to haunt me. I had to learn that they were voices from my past, and I am no longer that person. I had to learn how to wrestle the power away from them. I struggle with it still sometimes, but I am learning how to over come them.

I had to learn how to stay away from temptation. What you see isn’t always what it appears to be. I had to learn to trust what was said, verses what I thought I saw. Seeing was only part of the picture, the truth lies within the person. Sometimes too much information, interpreted the wrong way, is a very dangerous thing. I had to learn to not go looking for things because I would find what I wanted to support what I thought, instead of the truth. And the truth was all that mattered.

I had to learn to believe in what I know, trust in what I believe. I know in my heart of hearts some things are true. I don’t know how I know, but I know. Some things have just felt right from the very beginning, and things have fallen into place for those things to happen. Trust in life, trust in a higher power, trust in my heart, in my soul and in my instincts and I’ve been good so far.

I had to learn how to let go of the need to control life, and those around me, in my life. Ultimately I am the only one I can control, and the rest is up to the fates, to everyone else. Letting go and having faith go hand in hand. Hard lessons to learn, but I’m learning.

I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned that even though I haven’t set foot in a church in a very long time, my parents did manage to instill a strong sense of faith in me. I have discovered the power of praying to my higher power. I have learned that faith is a powerful thing. I have learned that the answers to my ‘prayers’ may not always be the answers I want, but they are always the answers I need.

I have learned that promises made to myself are worth keeping. That promises I made to myself are hard to break. I have discovered that I don’t want to break them. I made a promise and I meant it when I made it, I mean it now. I made the same promise to Batman and to my daughters. It’s a promise I will keep until my dying day. No questions, no doubts.

I have learned to listen to my heart and my soul. That when I know that I know what I know, then it is usually right, even when I can’t explain it. I just have to trust my instincts, my heart.

I have learned to let the universe lead me where I need to be lead, and to let the universe get me there on it’s time, not mine. When I stop trying to control the world, life has a way of working out better than I could have imagined.

So, thank you for your concerns, and thank you for caring enough to ask. Yes, I’m doing ok, in fact, I’m going to be just fine. I’m just growing up. I am learning a lot of important lessons that will serve me will in the future. And I can pass them along to my daughters. I’m sure I will have more dark days, but I know there will be days of Sunshine too. It’s going to be an exciting journey, with a lot of lessons to learn. But I’ll be ok, in fact, I’ll be better than ok. I’m going to be fantabulous.

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