Wednesday, January 3, 2007

It's my time now

Once again, I am standing on the precipice much like I have before. I am once again, looking at a life altering experience. I know that soon, very soon, my life as I have known it will be gone and altered, profoundly changed yet again. This time, it will be a positive change. I’m not entirely sure that it wasn’t positive last time. Even though it didn’t feel like it at the time.

I stood on the precipice before, and felt the world beneath my feet crumble. My world fell apart. I, however, didn’t. I found strength in me I didn’t know I had. I learned I could stand on my own two feet. I could take control of my life, and I could go on. Even when it hurt, even when I didn’t want to, even when every breath I took was almost more effort than I could muster; I found I could go on. Just about the time I thought I couldn’t go on any more, I found that I could. I know that that strength will serve me well when we move. I know now, that I can face anything life throws at me and I will survive.

Tomorrow, my life will change again. I will walk out of that courtroom tomorrow and I will still be the same person I am now, the sun will still rise in the east and set in the west. Monday will still follow Sunday, and the Earth will still revolve around the sun. I know that I will walk out of that courtroom unchanged on the outside, but profoundly changed inside. I will have faced my biggest fear, my fiercest demon, and I will have won. He will lay slain at my feet. The victory of that will not ring hollow. It will be even more profound because I did it alone. My knight in shinning Armour will not have needed to step in and help me. I faced this evil on my own, and I will have won.

I am standing on the precipice of a new exciting life, a freedom I have wished for, dreamed of, but never fully believed I’d ever have. And yet, it is there, waiting for me, tomorrow. I will come into my own tomorrow. My babies will be mine. I can now be the positive strong courageous female role model I’ve always wanted for my girls. I will have done this, fought this fight, minor though it turned out to be, completely on my own. I have faced every obstacle that was in my way, and found a way to deal with it. One step at a time, steady did it.

I am standing on the precipice much like I have before. My world changed then, much as it will change tomorrow. I know now, that I had to go through what I went through then, to get to where I am now. I know now, that he had to go away, so that I could face this demon on my own, by myself, and fight it and win, alone. He would have fought the fight for me, but the victory would have been a hollow victory to me. This way, it is mine, and it is more meaningful, more profound. I have learned much in this journey. I could not, would not have come this far, gained this much, learned all that I have needed to learn, had I not done this alone.

I am saying good-bye to my past. I am saying good-bye to the woman I used to be. I have embraced her and told her she did all that she was capable of doing; she did the best she could. But her time has come and gone. It is my time now.

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