My life is NOT like a soap opera so much

Tennessee Becky sent me an email this weekend, in which she asked me "Could your live be any more like a soap opera?" And that got me to thinking. My life is not like a soap opera, at all.

I mean seriously,

• I have never suffered from amnesia (although there are a few things in my life I would like to forget. Apparently I'm not afforded that luxury.)
• I have never been kidnapped, or held hostage in cage, a cell, a cave, or a haunted mansion, or even a deserted island. (although the island is sounding pretty good right now, especially on a warm beach, lots of sand with a lot of rum and margarittas and a few cabana boys. Although then it wouldn't be deserted would it. Yeah, don't rush the rescue crew, take your time....)
• The paternity of my three children has never been in question. There has never been a doubt in anyone's mind as to who fathered my kids. Their mother's identity still remains a much speculated mystery, however.
• My sister has never married any of my ex husbands or boyfriends. I can say with almost 100% certainty, none of them have ever appealed to her. Same goes for my brother.
• I have never dated, slept with, or married any of my ex husbands' brothers, uncles, nephews, cousins, fathers, grandfathers or best friends. (with the exception of Batman, who happens to be The Slugs 2nd cousin, long distantly related, and neither claims the other)
• My mother has never married, dated, or slept with any of my uncles, or my grandfathers.
• I know who my parents are, and I know who my brother and sister are. I am fairly certain there are no unknown siblings running around in the world, but you may have to check with my parents about this.
• I have never been possessed by the Devil. I may have been married to him, or at least his brother, or close cousin, but never possessed.
• My identity has always been a sure thing. I have never needed to revert back to my dental records, or any tatoos I may have to determine who I may or may not be.
• I do not have a gambling problem.
• I have never been convicted of murder, kidnapping, embezelment, or any other serious crime.
• I have never been diagnosed with a very rare terminal illness and on the brink of death, only to have some mediocre doctor in some po-dunk hospital in the boondocks, come and heal me. Why he's working there instead of the Mayo Clinic is a mystery.
• I have never had a stranger blow into town, and wreck havoc on my life, only to discover they are the child I gave up for adoption (or was stolen, or who I thought was dead). Nope, I know every single one of my many tormentors, personally. Lucky me.

So, see, Tennessee B, you were so wrong. My life is not like a soap opera at all. In comparison, my life is realitively calm. What were you thinking?