Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Going Home, sort of

I got the phone call I've been waiting all week for, last night.

Tonight, I will dig out the suitcase, the back pack, and I will start packing.

I'm leaving Friday afternoon, and I'm going home for the weekend. I get Friday/Saturday/Sunday night with him.

Things though have changed, sort of.

The post I put here Monday is similar to one I put on the blog I created for us. Same basic message, same picture, same theme. I got an email from him....

Becky right now I just can't there are to many things that have happened. Iam no saying down the road things may work out. But right now I just can't. I do want to be friends cause I do care for you. But Iam not in love with you. I know Iam breaking your heart but its the way I feel.

It was the response I half expected, so it wasn't the crushing blow it could have been. There is hope that he hasn't ruled out the possibility of someday down the road. That's an improvement over Thanksgiving week, when he wasn't talking to me at all.

Saturday, I took the state merit test. I wanted to call him when I got done, but something prevented me from calling. Every time I went to pick up the phone, I just couldn't bring myself to call him. I knew something was going on with him, and I was sure I had an idea what, and I was positive I didn't want to know what it was. He finally called me that night.
So, what did you do today.
I took the test, blah blah blah. How was yours?
Do I dare ask what you did today?
Oh, you can ask, you probably don't want to hear the answer.
Do I know her?
That's all I want to know.

Yes, he had a 'date' of sorts. I just knew, had a feeling all day. Yes, it tugged at my heart, a lot, when he admitted it. But I expected it. I had a feeling. I knew. (again, I knew. Why can't I know lottery numbers or something important? Why this?) It's a technicality, but he's not sleeping with her. That he's saving for me, for the time being.

I know he was with her Saturday, Sunday, and Monday evening after work. I got the phone call to come 'home' this weekend, and he didn't go see her last night. He's not going to tonight. I don't know what's going on, and frankly I'm not so much a glutton for punishment that I need to know, or want to ask.

Things have changed. There's still hope, but it's not in the near future. I won't have him back in my life before I move. I'm not sure I'll have him back in my life after I move. I know that the magical 3 words I want to say, and long to hear, are stuck in my head and heart right now. He doesn't want to hear what I'm dying to say, and he can't say what I long to hear.

I will go home this weekend. With mixed emotions. Thrilled to be home again, but knowing it's not really home any more, and afraid there will be a sense of finality to it. I don't want there to be. I know this may be the last time I spend any time with him for a while. Who knows. Right now I have no feelings, no instincts, no gut reactions. I'm flying blind.

I love him. Nothing changes that. I just know that right now, well, we won't be together for a while. We'll be friends, great friends, but other than that is anyone's guess.


ajooja said...

I'm sorry. My ex-girlfriend and I have been talking a little bit again too, but there is no definite future.

I'm in a very stable marriage and she doesn't want to be a third wheel to us. On top of religious guilt, she's 850 miles away, has a husband, and another Internet boyfriend.

She knows she hurt me really bad, so she wants to help me get over it and be my friend forever.

I can do that, but I'll always want her to be "our" friend. I'll always want the "friends with benefits" I was promised too.

I doubt either of those situations will ever happen, but I'm satisfied with being "just friends" right now.

The whole thing sucks, but it could be worse. I definitely feel for ya.

~Kathryn~ said...

it is so hard that loving someone when they only want to be your friend. i know that feeling and wonder if i am going to be able to cope with it and keep pretending everything is alright - when inside my heart is breaking