Saturday, January 6, 2007

Truths and Demons

Of course, he didn't show last night. Bad day at work, late day at work, drama with the kids, too late to come up. Excuses. All of them believable, and all of them doubtful at the same time. But that is just the demons in my head talking.

The demons have been busy today, working hard to destroy what confidence I had in me, in him and in us. I'm sad to say they are winning, because what they are saying I have questioned myself for a while now, and it's believable. It's painful and it fucking messed up, and it's horrible, but it's believable and it's possible.

Funny, though, I knew before I ever left the house yesterday morning, he wouldn't show. I knew it all day long. I just kept hoping I was wrong, knowing I wasn't.

I still get a weekend, and it's possible it will be next weekend, even though we weren't sure. He talked to EW, and next weekend they will split it, meaning Princess and Scooter will be with him until Saturday afternoon. It is possible I will get to go there after he takes them home.

It's possible pigs will fly out of my ass too. Not bloodly likely, but hell, stranger things have happened.

There is another truth out there. I feel it, I know it. The betrayal of the act, and the betrayal of the lies kills me. I won't ask because I know that I could not stand in the face of the truth. And yet I hate being the coward with my head stuck in the sand. I just wish it was out in the open, and over and done with.

I want him. I want us. More than anything I want us. I have worked too hard, waited, and played by the rules, jumped through the hoops, I've come too far to lose it all.

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