That today I have had to laugh to keep from crying?
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And can I also just say,
for all the support and wonderful comments and emails I get from everyone who reads my blog? It means so much to me to know there are people out there, many of who I have never met face to face, who still care about me, and come back daily to check in and who offer support and encouragement. Your comments/emails and friendships mean a lot lot me.
The kids come home tomorrow. It's been a week since I've seen them. We will be back on normal schedules now, and they will be home more than they are gone, at least until summer. I have really enjoyed the peaceful evenings being alone has given me. When I think about it though, I miss their laughter, their giggles, their yelling and even the arguments. It reminds me that I have 3 wonderful kids, and I've been very blessed.
Bo, will live with his father full time now. I have agreed to give him legal custody of him, and allow Bo to live with him. I think at 13 Bo really shouldn't be living with 3 females, he needs a man in his life. (Unfortunately he won't get that with his father either, but hopefully there are friends of his father around who are real men., but that's another post entirely).
2006 is gone, and with it, my past. I have let it go. I am embracing 2007 and my future. The girls are starting to get excited about moving to a new town this summer, meeting new people. Maybe it has a lot to do with I promised we would check into Girl Scouts, and gymnastics for them, as a way to make new friends and meet new people.
One more quiet night at home. Tomorrow the circus comes back around, and my house will be full of laughter, and noise, and kids. It will feel like home again.
When I first met Batman, we spent the first week (?) maybe 10 days, talking on the phone, all the time. I remember when I fell in love with him. He had called me early one Saturday morning. He was camping with his kids, they were still asleep (I was too) but he called, said he wanted to wake up with me, start his day with me, even though we were over a hundred miles apart. We talked for 2 hours that morning. When I hung up the phone, I said to myself, "I love that man." and stopped dead in my tracks, because I never thought about it, I just said it, and knew it was true. I loved him.
It would be another 9 days before I would say "I love you" to him, but in those 9 days, the love I felt grew stronger, and I was never more sure of anything in my life. I would always think to myself after every phone conversation, "I love him".
Once we could say it to each other, I didn't have to think it, I could tell him, I could say it. And I did, tell him. I did say it. Often. Until things fell apart and he stopped saying it altogether. I continued to tell him for a few days, but it hurt too much to say "I love you" and have him answer with "I know you do." or nothing at all. So, I stopped. I stopped saying it, I even stopped thinking it. Those words ceased to exist for us, but I never stopped feeling it. The feelings never went away, just the words.
This week, things have changed again. I don't know how, I can't explain it, except that one night, (Friday, I think) after I got off the phone with him, I thought, "I love that man." all over again. The thought was just there, unprovoked, just there. It stopped me in my path, for a second. It was true, I was sure of it, but it was something that hadn't been there for a very long time. 'I love you' had come back into my thoughts.
I find myself now, telling him throughout the day, "I love you." in my head. I know that I can call him and tell him "I love you" and put voice to those words. I also know that he won't return the words. Maybe some day.
I would gain 10 pounds, 15 in necessary, without batting an eye, if I could just hear those words from him again. Not just once, but always. 3 words, 3 simple, impossible words.
There have been several emails shared between us today. I can tell he's exhausted, and stressed, and there is very little left of him to give. I am willing to wait for him to recharge his batteries, even if that means it takes 2 weeks. As long as I know that some time, in the future, when he's 'back among the land of the living' there will be some time for us, I'm willing to give him the time and space he needs now.
I say that, and write that, as if I actually have a choice in the matter. Truth is, I don't. Whether I'm willing or not, he will take what he needs. He needs time, he needs space, he needs sleep, rest, he needs a break. None of which are in sight at this point. He will take them when he can get them, and if given a choice between spending time with me, and getting what he needs, the needs will win out, hands down.
To love him, means to give him what he needs most. If I smother him, he will just run farther and farther away. If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be. Sometimes the best way to hold on to something is with an open hand. You can hold more water or sand in an open hand than you can in a clenched fist. Time to open the hand, and trust he will do what he needs to do for himself, and when there's enough of him to give, he will. Right now, there are so many demands being made on him, there is nothing left to give. He's being pulled in too many directions, and I need to realize I was selfishly making demands on him, demand he could not meet.
I heard what you couldn't say today, B. I get it. I wish I could help, but I can't. Know that I would if I could, and all you have to do is ask. Take care of you, deal with the family, love the kids, and know that I'll be right here, when there is enough of you to go around my way. As long as I know I have 'someday' (and I know that I do), I'll wait for someday.
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