Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Three Words

When I first met Batman, we spent the first week (?) maybe 10 days, talking on the phone, all the time. I remember when I fell in love with him. He had called me early one Saturday morning. He was camping with his kids, they were still asleep (I was too) but he called, said he wanted to wake up with me, start his day with me, even though we were over a hundred miles apart. We talked for 2 hours that morning. When I hung up the phone, I said to myself, "I love that man." and stopped dead in my tracks, because I never thought about it, I just said it, and knew it was true. I loved him.

It would be another 9 days before I would say "I love you" to him, but in those 9 days, the love I felt grew stronger, and I was never more sure of anything in my life. I would always think to myself after every phone conversation, "I love him".

Once we could say it to each other, I didn't have to think it, I could tell him, I could say it. And I did, tell him. I did say it. Often. Until things fell apart and he stopped saying it altogether. I continued to tell him for a few days, but it hurt too much to say "I love you" and have him answer with "I know you do." or nothing at all. So, I stopped. I stopped saying it, I even stopped thinking it. Those words ceased to exist for us, but I never stopped feeling it. The feelings never went away, just the words.

This week, things have changed again. I don't know how, I can't explain it, except that one night, (Friday, I think) after I got off the phone with him, I thought, "I love that man." all over again. The thought was just there, unprovoked, just there. It stopped me in my path, for a second. It was true, I was sure of it, but it was something that hadn't been there for a very long time. 'I love you' had come back into my thoughts.

I find myself now, telling him throughout the day, "I love you." in my head. I know that I can call him and tell him "I love you" and put voice to those words. I also know that he won't return the words. Maybe some day.

I would gain 10 pounds, 15 in necessary, without batting an eye, if I could just hear those words from him again. Not just once, but always. 3 words, 3 simple, impossible words.

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