Wednesday, December 20, 2006

What is meant to be......

The silence from him today is deafening. I continue to remind myself that I have done nothing wrong, and that he told me last night he was not upset with me. There are so many things said and done in the past week,that I should be able to find something to cling to, but right now, my faith is weak, and the doubts are strong.

I’ve been here before. Wanting answers to questions, and assuming I already knew the answers. I went looking for the proof to support the answers I thought I already knew. I was wrong then, and it cost me everything. I won’t go looking for answers now, because really, the answers have to come from him. No other answers matter. I learned a hard hard lesson back then, but I learned it. I will not go looking for answers, I will trust in him, trust in us, and believe that things are fine, until he tells me otherwise.

They say that faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, if you truly believe. Apparently it can’t send emails, text messages or make phone calls. So, I wait, and I try to distract myself, and I wait, and I offer up prayers to whatever higher power is out there listening to me.

When it comes to Batman, hasn’t everything worked out so far? Haven’t we been to hell and back, and we’re still here, still connected? It may not be on my time, but it’s worked out. Why would I think this would be any different?

I am waiting. I am sick of waiting, and sick to my stomach over this. There will be no weight gain today. The 5 pounds he wants to see, are as elusive as ever today. In fact, I may have taken a step backwards as I’ve been too upset to eat all day.

My heart has been at LeMay Ferry all day today, whether he knows it or not, whether he wants it or not. Time, it seems that’s all I have, for now. I want him, I want to know he’s ok, I want to know we’re ok. (I want to smack EW upside the head and ask her WTF were you thinking? Except that I genuinely like EW. And even I don’t know what happened.) I continue to wait. What is meant to be will always find it's way. The broken road will lead me back to him.

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Okay my friend, now is the time to be strong. Don't call, text, or email him anymore. Let him.
(that's my advice anyway) Yes I know haven't done the Christmas Tag thing yet, I am swamped at work, at home, etc. I am working on it.

Hang in there. You are strong!


Tennessee Becky