Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Balcony

I stood on the balcony, our balcony, last Thursday night, and looked out over the now familiar landscape. I was transported back in time, a few months ago, earlier this summer. I stood in this same spot, looking over the same landscape, and was struck with the realization that I was home. Even though my address was some 2 hours away, I truly lived here. This house, this family, this man, this place had become my home. I let myself drift along on the memories.

Standing there in the early morning, watching the sun come up, starting the day with B and a cup of coffee, listening, watching the world around us wake up and start the day. Watching a storm, violent, powerful roll in, feeling the wind blow and hearing it howl. Letting the power of the storm vibrate though our bodies, being powerless and mesmerized and captivated by the storm that raged around us. Standing outside at night, feeling the cool summer breeze blow around our bodies still warm from passions spent. Sitting out there one early summer morning, purging the residue of a disturbing dream, and finding the meaning hidden deep inside it. Then, when the time was right, sharing the dream and the message and lesson learned with B. It was on that balcony that the need to free myself from the tentacles of my past became abundantly clear, and where the plan started to form.

Back to present day, I stood on our balcony again, and realized it wasn’t all that long ago I had been fairly certain, I would never be back here again. And for a while, even that was true. But miracles happen, forgiveness can be given, and here I was, once again. Only it was different. The house, the town, it’s not home any more. Right now, the man isn’t mine either, not in the way he used to be. I am not his. I’m not family, I’m just a visitor, a welcome visitor, but not family. I love being there with him, but it’s not mine anymore.

We are finding our way to something new. What we shared this summer, what we felt for each other, is no more. That’s not to say we can’t find something else, we can’t make something new. There will be new memories, of that I’m sure. My home is not there. It’s not here either, it is somewhere in between yet to be determined.

I purged a lot of my past from my life this weekend. Everything up to August, up to the point I met and fell in love with Batman. Maybe the universe is telling me I need to purge that too, the residue of what was and is no more, to make way for what will be and can be and is to be. I think that takes more faith than even I can manage, and I’ve had some amazing things happen in my life recently.

You can’t go home, once you’ve left. It’s never the same again. That balcony will always be full of wonderful memories for me, it is where I first realized I needed to get away, find my own life, start over fresh. It was where the seed of strength and determination was planted. I took my first steps down the path to my new life, right there on that balcony, with Batman beside me.

I will stand there again with him someday. Maybe we’ll watch the sun rise again, maybe the breeze will blow around us, chilling us just enough that we reach for each other for warmth. Maybe there will be more moments shared there, over coffee, a sunrise, or even a sunset. I have pictures of my future on that balcony that come to me, and promise me there will be more days there. Just be patient, wait. It’s not your time, just yet, but it will be. Someday.

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