Monday, December 4, 2006


After a weekend full of surprise, and relief, (and still a whole lot of snow) I am face to face with Monday, and well, I feel Blah, blah blah.

Sometimes I think way too much (ok, a lot of the time, I think way too much) and that happens to be the case now. I am on the verge of getting what I want. The Slug continues to agree to allow me to have the life I want, free from his power and control and influence. He continues to agree to allow me legal custody of the girls, and the freedom to move this summer without interference from him. He just wants to be able to see his daughters, and I have no problem with that.

So, with that major battle out of the way, I should be happy and relieved. The sad reality is, whenever I think about it, I break down and cry. This was our plan, our hope. Batman and I launched this together. Based on things that happened this summer, B told me "You have to get away from him, from there, or you will never be free to live your life." He offered encouragement, and support. So, I started down that path, towards the goal we had decided on, the goal we both wanted.

I knew the biggest part of this was going to be on me. After all it was my fight, my battle, I had to fight it alone. And when he bowed out, I stayed the course, I continued to follow through, I never backed off, I never wavered, I stuck with the plan.

Now, it seems that the battle is over, before it really began, and well, the victory is mine, in a way. It just seems so hollow, so meaningless, so unimportant because it should have been ours to share and I can't share it with him. I should be so happy about this. My life is mine, and I am on the verge of freedom, everything I've wanted for over 2 years now. So, why does the very thought of this make me cry? Why does it hurt so much?

I called him Saturday to tell him the good news. He told me "I'm really glad for you. This is really good news, as long as he doesn't change his mind."
"I don't think he will change his mind. He wants this all to go away, just like I want him to go away."
"Well, I hope it all works out for you. So, where do you think you're going to move to?"
The only answer I could come up with was "I've got 6 months to figure that out."

The plan was for me to move closer to St. Louis, and closer to him. Not move in with him, but move closer. So, was he asking because he wanted to see if I was still moving there, b/c that's what he wants or was he asking hoping he could maybe change my mind about moving there?

Universal time. It all has to work out in the end, on Universal time, not my time, not his. If it's not ok, it's not the end, Will it ever be ok?

The universe is leading me down a path and I can't see in front of me. I am walking blind, following a path I don't know where it leads. I know that doesn't seem to take me where I want it to, but it's not for me to decide. It has to be MY PATH, not his, but mine.

I miss him today, a lot. I feel empty inside today. I want to call him, I want to talk to him, but I don't know if he will be there for me, and I am afraid to find out he wouldn't. I think that would hurt more than I can handle right now.

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