Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know, it’s been a long time since I wrote you a letter. I have been busy, and I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better in the future.  I know that this is an incredibly busy time of year for you, so I won’t waste time with small talk. I’ll get right down to business.

For Christmas this year, I would like:

Batman (the LeMay Ferry kind, not the superhero kind)

Tickets to someplace warm.  The Bahamas for the Super Bowl would be ok, or Daytona for the 500 would be great too.

A great job with great pay and benefits, about 2 hours down I-70 from here.  I don’t need it right away; 6 months from now would be just fine.

A great apartment in that same general area too.  If I’m gonna work there, I had better live there.

Johnny Depp and/or Orlando Bloom.  If they are unavailable, (and rumor has it they are) then the new Pirates movie will be fine.

For Tennessee Becky, please bring her a homework GI, who will stand guard over her son and help the whole homework process along quickly and easily.  Also, if you could send someone her way to just ease the loneliness.  He doesn’t have to be a knight in shining armor, as she doesn’t seem to be the kind who needs to be rescued, but she could use a special friend, one who’s available to her. Just make him nice, and easy to talk to, fun to laugh with, and great with the kids.  Ease some of the emptiness and loneliness she feels.

For Syd, well, I’m not sure you’d be allowed into Syd’s place to leave her anything, and I’m pretty sure, she’s more than capable of getting whatever it is she wants.  Maybe if you left her some beer, or whiskey, or maybe a new gun, it would all be good.  Of course, if you get the wrong brands, well there could be trouble.  But I figure, since you’re smart enough to know who’s naughty and who’s nice, you know what to bring Syd.

Junebugg would surly love some snow so she can make her own snow-cream.  But PLEASE don’t dump a whole load of snow on her hometown.  Just leave her a nice bucket of it in her freezer.  I’m sure you can bring some of that magical super sweet North Pole snow with you.  That should make for some extra special snow-cream for Junebugg.

Oh, and could you please, please, please bring Britney some damn underware?  It seems that in her hurry to leave K-Fed (soon to be known as Fed-Ex) she forgot to take her panties with her.  

Please help Katie Holmes Cruise remember where she put her backbone and her brain.  There was once a time she was capable of thinking for herself, and standing up for herself.  Now, she just slouches and let’s that half-wit pseudo actor she’s now married to lead that dog and pony show.

I would ask you to bring my sister something, but it seems that she has already gotten her Christmas wish.  Now if I could just figure out a way to get her Mr. Richie (the Kid kind, not the Lionel kind) under my mother’s Christmas tree without crushing all the other presents and without offending her husband.  Maybe you could help me with that.

I think that just about covers it.  I am sure you will have your fill of milk and cookies on Christmas Eve.  I’m sure I can leave you some chips/salsa and a Margarita.  Thanks Santa.

Love,
Becky