Friday, September 9, 2005

Yesterday was Thursday

Yesterday was Thursday.  Thursday is my therapy day.  I’ve been going for 8 weeks now, ever since I had my breakdown on my birthday.  

I went into my first session terribly lost, depressed and defeated.  I had been in an abusive relationship for 9 years and while I had physically moved on, legally ended the relationship, I never ended it emotionally.  I knew that it was an abusive relationship and that it was toxic to everyone involved in it, and I knew that the best thing to do was to end it, get out.  The problem was, while I could pay lip service to what I ‘ought’ to do, I was powerless to actually do it.  I didn’t have the skills, the strength, the power, the courage or the coping mechanisms needed to do what I ‘ought’ to do.

So I sat in my first session so unsure of everything.  Unsure of what I hoped to gain, unsure of where to start, unsure of who I was, unsure of what I wanted.  I was lost.  All I was sure of was that I didn’t want my life to continue the way it had been.  I wanted all the pain to stop.  I wanted to stop hurting and to stop hurting others around me.  I just didn’t know how to do that.

Over the course of the past 8 weeks, with Dr. Patterson’s help, I have found myself.  I have found a way to cope with the stresses of life without them destroying me.  I have learned how to set boundaries in relationships.  I have learned how to speak up and tell people when they have hurt me.  I have learned that I can not control everything in my life and I’ve learned how to let go of things.  I have learned how to live in the moment, enjoy the day and not worry about tomorrow, next week, or next month.  I have learned how to relax and take care of me.

So, yesterday I walked into Dr. Patterson’s office and we started talking.  20 minutes into my session we both realized we had nothing else to tackle, we were out of things to talk about.   Her exact words to me were “I love working myself out of a job.”  We both feel that I have made significant progress to warrant out sessions be monthly now instead of weekly.  

I have learned to let go of things, to not try and keep everything together all the time.  Deal with what can be and needs to be dealt with right now.  (Such common sense and yet I didn’t get it)  When things get hairy and stress levels go up I have learned to take a step back, take a breath and get perspective.  I have learned I can not control the world, but I can control how I react to what happens to me.  I have learned I didn’t get all I needed from my parents as I grew up and that’s ok, I can give it to myself now, and make sure I give it all to my children.  I have reached back and healed a broken past and made a brighter stronger future.

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