Thursday, August 24, 2006

My vision is clearing more and more every day

I’ve been getting several IM messages from Boo lately, especially since he found out about Batman. I’ve been honest, and told him Batman is a pretty serious deal to me. I didn’t want to lie about it.

Of course, Boo has been trying to change my mind, or at least get me to agree to a little som’em, som’em on the side, which of course, screams out exactly what he thinks of me. I won’t give in. I’m in love with Batman, and well, I’m not in love with Boo.

So today I get a message from Boo “I’m sorry, but since we had sex for a long time I don't think it's healthy to keep in touch, so we won't hurt each other.” (we had sex while we were dating 5 months, but that ended months ago) Ok, I can respect that. I think he was fishing, hoping I’d beg him to change his mind, but I don’t disagree with him. I think he wants me to choose him over Batman, and frankly, I can’t and I won’t. He’s basically telling me, “If you’re going to be with him, we can’t be friends.” Well, fine, if you have to issue that ultimatum, then you’re not a real friend and I don’t want you or need you in my life.

It has become more painfully obvious as of late, that Boo wasn’t all that I thought he was. He really sucks the life out of a person. He is high drama, and a lot of work. I know that at one time I thought, even hoped and prayed our relationship was more than it really was. I see now exactly what it was, a drain. He still wants me to give and give, and he would give nothing back.

Hindsight is 20/20 and my vision has been clearing considerably since we ended things. Once I was able to let go, really let go, I’ve been able to see how needy, and controlling and manipulative he is. He just went about it in a different way.

I’m proud of myself for walking away, and not being tempted to go back. I don’t care than he’s finally found a way to say “I love you”. He can say the words, but he never means them. He uses them as a means to an end. This time, they’re not working. I know better what love is, and what we had wasn’t love, not even close.

I am still learning life’s lessons in love, but I’m learning them faster and with more certainty. I’m applying what I’ve learned and I’m making better choices. I’m starting to get a real clue here. I don’t cling to wrong in a desperate attempt to be alone. I let it go.

I have found something wonderful. I don’t want to mess it up. It’s too damn important to me. I just have no need, reason, or desire to be with anyone else, even just to hang out. No more lunches, no more beers, no more races. All of those things are saved for Batman now.

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