Wednesday, March 29, 2006


I think this sums it all up for me. Sometimes I create more drama for myself and more unnecessary angst because I tend to over think things. I need to do more work on moving beyond my over-thinking mind and work on connecting with my emotional body.

When my mind gets involved and I start looking behind every action, and looking between the lines of every phrase uttered for hidden meanings and signs that he loves me, then I get into serious trouble.

Why can’t my heart and mind just stay out of things for a while and let my body enjoy? Ok, maybe that’s not what I want either. Why is it that I can not be happy and accept that for close to 4 months now we’ve been ‘whatever it is we’ve been’?

With my knucklehead I am content, and always have been, to have a relationship with him that defies definition. What we have shared for 2+ years has never fit neatly or easily into any of societies pre-defined relationships. Society wants to label and pigeon hole everything so it all is nice and neat and easy to understand. Sorry, life doesn’t always conform to society’s need for neatness and labels. Love, never does.

Why is it I am so hell-bent on labeling us, defining us? Why do I need this, or think I need labels and definitions? Why can’t I let it go, enjoy it for what it is, and be happy? Demanding more, demanding a label for us, a definition, may just make him feel more tied down than he wants to feel and cause him to run. After all, up to this point, he’s been faithful and loving and attentive and wonderful and everything I’ve wanted? Why do I need to add a title to it and screw it all up?

See, more rules to a game I’m not sure I know how to play. I definitely don’t know how to play it well, or how to play to win.

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