Two Conversations

These conversation actually took place at my mother’s home Tuesday evening, between my brother (US) and my son (TS).

TS: Hey US, guess what?
US: What?
TS: I’ve got a girlfriend, and she thinks I’m hot!
US: Really? Says who?
TS: Our friend K. She was telling J about me and she said I was hot. So K says she’s my girlfriend.
US: What does J look like?
TS: Don’t know. Haven’t seen her.

Later, after dinner, I’m trying to get the kids rounded up to get home. And this conversation takes place…

US: Hey, better get stuff gathered up, got to get going.
TS: Yeah, I know.
US: Got homework to do
TS: Nope, did it after school, before practice
US: OK, need to take a shower, get ready for school tomorrow to see your …uh, oh yeah, nope, not going to see your girlfriend.

I’m sorry to admit it but I was on the floor laughing my ass off! Yes, I know, it’s kind of picking on my oldest child, but that’s kind of what we do in our family. We pick at each other. Up until now, the kids have been pretty much off limits, but TS is almost 13, he’s getting old enough he should be able to take some ribbing. Especially from US. Besides, those conversations were just to stinkin’ hilarious! Oh to be 13 again. Not!

St Louis Mills, shopping plus!

Batman took me to this wonderful 'mall and then some' this weekend! OMG! St. Louis has grown so much since I left there, and because Batman lives and works there, he knows all the cool places, the new cool places, way better than I do. And hence, we went to the St. Louis Mills.

This place is heaven on Earth for those who love shopping malls, and I am one of those people. It has some amazing stores and shit in it. There is the usual mall shops, and then there is Cabela's, the Children's Palace Outlet, The Guess Factory Store, IceZone where the St. Louis Blues actually hold training and practice sessions. There is a Nascar Speedpark, a Saks Fifth Avenue, an Old Navy, a Reebok and a Nike Outlet, A Skechers USA, and Tommy Hilfiger company store. This place is utterly amazing and I had a blast cruising the mall with Batman.

For those of you who have kids, and know that it's no fun to cruise the mall with your kids, this place really is the bomb. They have a whole kids area set up. Playland, PBS Kids Neighborhood, complete with Big Bird, Elmo, Dora, Blue, the whole gang there, ready to entertain the kids. Later, on another weekend visit, when we have the kids, especially the girls, all 3 of them, Batman and I plan on taking them to the Mills to enjoy the fun activities and the great shopping there. 

I believe

What do you believe? That is a question posted on a blog I read with quite some regularity. It’s always a good question. Years ago there was a series of little books, “Life’s Little Instruction Book” and whatnot. Those books got me thinking and my sister and I started a list of things we believed. I still have that list somewhere. I hope to someday have it printed and bound for her.

So when I saw this question posed yet again on LBB’s blog, I thought I would put a shortened, but updated version of my list on my blog, and invite friends/family/strangers alike to add to my list with what they believe.

I believe that better than I’ve ever had does not necessarily fill the void of all that I deserve.

I believe that I have found all that I ever dreamed of, because I found myself first.

I believe that that in no way guarantees tomorrow or a lifetime.

I believe that just because something is possible, does not make it probable.

I believe our children are our future, and it is up to us to make sure they have one.

I believe you can love someone, but not enough to make them love you

I believe that you don’t always end up with your soul mate.

I believe you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you.

I believe that true love takes work and commitments from both people.

I believe that the beautiful people are not the best lovers. They believe looks make up for so much. (I am not one of the beautiful people)

I believe that I have taken crap off of too many people for far too long. I’m tired of living the life of a mushroom.

I believe that my divorce papers have legally given me my life back to live as I please. I also believe that my ex husband has not figured this truth out yet.

I believe we will never know the full truth behind the Kennedy assassination. I also believe it doesn’t matter at this point, he’s dead. The truth will not bring him back to life.

I believe that the planet is warming, and if we humans truly believe that we alone are solely responsible for this fact of nature, we have an over inflated idea of our importance in the universe.

I believe the truth, no matter how painful, is better than a lie, or not knowing.

I believe that we should love our children for who they are, not for who we want them to be.

I believe that at the end of the day, our kids will love us for what we do with them, not for what we can buy for them.

I believe that some money costs too much. I believe I could be making more money than I am right now, and thereby live more comfortably, but that in order to do that I would have to work harder and longer and be less happy and spend less time with my kids. I don’t believe that is an equal trade-off.

I believe that if the man you love has children, you had better love them too. They are a package deal, you can’t have one without the other. If you can’t love the kids, you don’t love him.

I believe that I spent way too much time and energy trying to be what I thought other people thought I should be instead of just being myself.

I believe that I am beautiful when he looks at me.

What do you believe?

My vision is clearing more and more every day

I’ve been getting several IM messages from Boo lately, especially since he found out about Batman. I’ve been honest, and told him Batman is a pretty serious deal to me. I didn’t want to lie about it.

Of course, Boo has been trying to change my mind, or at least get me to agree to a little som’em, som’em on the side, which of course, screams out exactly what he thinks of me. I won’t give in. I’m in love with Batman, and well, I’m not in love with Boo.

So today I get a message from Boo “I’m sorry, but since we had sex for a long time I don't think it's healthy to keep in touch, so we won't hurt each other.” (we had sex while we were dating 5 months, but that ended months ago) Ok, I can respect that. I think he was fishing, hoping I’d beg him to change his mind, but I don’t disagree with him. I think he wants me to choose him over Batman, and frankly, I can’t and I won’t. He’s basically telling me, “If you’re going to be with him, we can’t be friends.” Well, fine, if you have to issue that ultimatum, then you’re not a real friend and I don’t want you or need you in my life.

It has become more painfully obvious as of late, that Boo wasn’t all that I thought he was. He really sucks the life out of a person. He is high drama, and a lot of work. I know that at one time I thought, even hoped and prayed our relationship was more than it really was. I see now exactly what it was, a drain. He still wants me to give and give, and he would give nothing back.

Hindsight is 20/20 and my vision has been clearing considerably since we ended things. Once I was able to let go, really let go, I’ve been able to see how needy, and controlling and manipulative he is. He just went about it in a different way.

I’m proud of myself for walking away, and not being tempted to go back. I don’t care than he’s finally found a way to say “I love you”. He can say the words, but he never means them. He uses them as a means to an end. This time, they’re not working. I know better what love is, and what we had wasn’t love, not even close.

I am still learning life’s lessons in love, but I’m learning them faster and with more certainty. I’m applying what I’ve learned and I’m making better choices. I’m starting to get a real clue here. I don’t cling to wrong in a desperate attempt to be alone. I let it go.

I have found something wonderful. I don’t want to mess it up. It’s too damn important to me. I just have no need, reason, or desire to be with anyone else, even just to hang out. No more lunches, no more beers, no more races. All of those things are saved for Batman now.

Isn't it funny...

Isn’t it funny the way things work? Irony at it’s best sometimes.

I have had knuckleheads in my life in the past. I know now they weren’t serious, they were so much less than I deserved, and could never amount to all that I hoped and wished and dreamed they would. Since my divorce, there have been 3 semi-serious, ok not serious, ‘relationships’ I’ve been a part of. Not serious, not relationships, there have been 3 guys who have been in and out of my life off and on for the past 2 years.

Apparently, karma has sent out a message, or the universe has sent out some vibes, or my falling in love has sent shock waves through the hearts of the knuckleheads, I don’t know. I do know that ever since finding Batman, the knuckleheads seem to be crawling out of the woodwork.

Friday, on my way to Batman’s house, Boo calls. Says he’s just calling to see how I’m doing, how life is treating me, just checking in. I drop the ‘Bat Bomb’ on him and tell him that life is wonderful, that I’ve met someone, who is everything I ever dreamed of, and that I’m incredibly happy with him. While Boo claims to be happy for me, and wish me the very best, he still spends 20 minutes trying to convince me that I’m not really in love with this guy and that we can continue to hang out. Wrong. I’m not buying it, I’m not giving in. He even went so far as to say “But I love you Boo”. I’m sorry Hondo, that’s a little too little, a whole lot too late.

Even now, 5 days later, I still get messages from him, telling me how much he misses me, how he really wishes things would have worked out for us. Uh, Hello? You were the one who bailed idiot. You were the one with issues, and the one who decided you didn’t want a relationship, who decided you could never love anyone but your beloved JC and now, she’s someone else’s wife. But I digress. The point is, now that I’m no longer out there, no longer available, now he steps up to the plate and offers me what I wanted. I just don’t want it from him. I know that if I were to call him and tell him things didn’t work out with Batman, Hondo wouldn’t be there.

Now, last night, I’m on the Bat Phone with Batman, when I hear a knock at my door. It’s freakin’ 9:30. When someone knocks on my door at 9:30, it’s never good. I opened the door to find Young Knucklehead standing there. So, I tell Batman I’ll have to call him back, and before I hang up, I tell him “I love you”, which is knucklehead’s first clue it’s bad timing.

I don’t want to screw this up with Batman, so I’m honest, to a fault with Knucklehead. I tell him I’ve met someone, it has great potential to be something serious and I’m not going to screw it up. To his credit, he didn’t push the issue. He was disappointed, but also glad that I was finally doing something good for me and the kids and that I’d found someone who I could be happy with.

After Knucklehead left (he only stayed about 10 minutes) I called Batman back, because I wanted to be honest with him too. I told him a knucklehead had crawled out of the woodwork, but that I had told him about him and sent him on his way.

All of the knucklehead’s know now. That is just another indication to me that this is right and meant to be. I don’t want anyone else, ever. I don’t need/want to have anyone hanging on the sidelines. It was important to me to tell them, and cut things off with them. I’m completely committed to Batman, I love him, and I want to do this right, completely right.

Go Check it out for a little fun!

Found a new fun place to hang out. It's not for people who don't have a lot of time, you have to be patient sometimes, but it's fun none the less. Here you can give as well as receive, so go check out

OCEANGRAM

A follow up to something I would never have believed

As some of you may remember, if you read this blog with any sort of regularity, a couple of months ago, something happened that threw me for a loop. At the time things were still up in the air, nothing was certain, and I didn’t have the full story, or all of the facts.

In fact, it all seemed so unbelievable, and implausible, that maybe, just maybe it was being blown completely out of proportion and nothing would come of it at all.

I was wrong. (and I’m glad I was) I checked out our state’s Court’s Administrator website, and found out that on July 11, 2006, charges were indeed filed by the state against X. They have charged him with 2 misdemeanors, sexual misconduct in the 1st degree, and assault in the 3rd degree. His next court date will be in September.

I am tempted, more by curiosity than anything, to go to the hearing to see what the evidence is against him, and what his defense is. I could claim I’m there to get all the facts to make an informed decision in regards to his contact with my daughters. Although, really, it’s kind of late to be gathering information about this and trying to make a decision in regards to my daughters now. I’ve known about this since June, the incident happened in April.

I’m glad this didn’t just ‘go away’ that something is being done, charges have been filed and he will be held accountable for what he’s done. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll get it this time, (unlike his brother who never seems to get it).

Hope....a waste of time?

I will be the first to admit that I’ve done some pretty bone head things in my time. I’ve also been a little slow on the uptake a time or two, and taken the long hard way about learning some of life’s lessons. I usually do eventually learn the lesson. A light will eventually go on, I’ll have an a-ha moment and I’ll get it.

Having said all of that, I feel that I can say with quite a bit of confidence; there are just some people out there who just never seem to get it. Case in point, my ex-husband C2, who managed to get himself fired yet again, on Friday. Of course, that’s not the amazing part of this little story, what is amazing is that he actually had this job for close to a year, which is almost a record for him. No, not the shortest, sadly, it’s closer to the longest he’s held a job.

The surprising part of this story is he swears he never saw it coming. Hello, I did, from a mile away. It’s hard to hold on to a job you don’t bother to show up for. If you’re scheduled to work 40 hours a week, that does not mean that 30 are mandatory and 10 are optional. Nope, 40 hours are required. And, while you’re there those 40 hours, you pretty much have a job to do, all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly, the unpleasant, the difficult, the easy, the fun, all of it. You don’t get to pick and chose the work you will or won’t do. Believe me, you’re not that special, and you’re not that good at anything. Nobody would consider themselves lucky to have you working for them. Mainly because you don’t work for them, you’re just on their payroll.

So, he calls me Friday to let me know there will be no more child support payments mailed in from his employer because they are no longer his employer. He of course, laid all the blame squarely at their feet, even though I know where the blame really lies. Then, he asks me “Do you know where the unemployment office is?” My response; ‘Aren’t you on a first name basis with most of the people out there? Did they move in the last nine months? I’m sure they’ve been waiting for you to make your semi-annual appearance.’ He failed to see the humor in that. I fail to see the humor in his lack of employment. He’s pulled this so many times at so many different places; he really is running out of places he can get a job. His reputation in the field of his ‘expertise’ precedes him and makes it hard for him to find a job. He, has, of course, called in every favor owed him in the past, and now has quite literally hung himself, and me.

Now, every once in a while, the system will work in my favor. Turns out, that when he files for unemployment, and if the system sees fit to pay him unemployment (wouldn’t that be just right up his alley…a paycheck without having to show up at a job and pretend to work) I can contact child support enforcement and garnish his unemployment check so that I continue to get the money he owes me. And when he sees his lack of funds, then he just might be a little more motivated to get a job, or a little less picky about the ones he turns down. Of course, that’s a HUGE maybe.

I keep hoping he’ll grow up. Or that someone will toss him a quarter, so he can buy himself a clue. I hope a light will go on somewhere down the line, and he’ll get it. I doubt it, but I’ll continue to hope. I mean, after all, I eventually woke up, got a clue, figured it out, learned the lesson. Maybe he can too.

Yeah, when pigs fly.

Meet 'Batman'

Meet Batman. Not the name I'm sticking with, that's for sure. Just the one he has for now. We've been spending a lot of time on the phone, because he has to drive 70 miles to work each day. So, to avoid huge cell phone bills, he just added me to his plan, got me a phone, which he immediately dubbed 'The Bat Phone' and there ya have it. But really, how sweet is that, that he just without question, added me to his plan, got me a phone, and now we don't have huge bills to pay, and we can talk all day?

I got an IM from him the other day.."I just got you a present. It's one of those things that you see and say got to buy it for her." Now, tell me, really, how sweet is that? Turns out he got me a Kasey Kahne ball cap. For those of you not in the know, Kasey Kahne is a NASCAR driver, #9, drives for Dodge.

Ok, on a serious note, there is just something about this guy that does it for me. I have had more than my share of conversations with my sister about how I manage to screw up my personal life, my love life, I'm my own worst enemy. I have even asked her 'How do you know, what exactly is good enough.' And she told me, "When it's everything you've ever dreamed of." And I think maybe he is.

With everyone else in the past, there have always been issues, something that was off, something that rubbed me wrong, didn't sit right, kept things from being good, let alone perfect. I was always wondering, guessing, doubting, weighing and measuring words and actions. I was always looking for hidden meanings behind words and actions. With Batman, there is none of that. I knew the moment I fell in love with him, and I knew the moment he fell in love with me. I don't question it, I just accept it. He gets me. There have been so many things said and done along the way that just reconfirms to me that he's the man I was born to be with.

I took pictures of his son (Scooter) at the motor cross race last weekend. I was scared to death that they wouldn't turn out. When I saw the digital pictures, and saw how amazing they were, I almost cried, I was just blown away that I had done that. He knew. When I dropped off the 2 rolls of film I shot that weekend I was scared to death they wouldn't turn out (I'm still learning about film) and when we got them back, and I saw they were nearly perfect, I was speachless, and he knew.

I wrote him a letter before I left, he happened to see me writing and told me, 'I didn't mean to interupt, go ahead, keep writing in your journal.' For those of you who know my history, you know how huge that is for me. He told me in the pool last week, 'You can't have a strong WE unless there is a strong YOU and a strong ME.' He's been to therapy after his divorce, he not only listened, he learned, he got something out of it.

I can't put my finger on it, there is nothing that says "This is why", but I knew, in an instant, knew beyond all reason, beyond all doubt, that I would love this man, and that he would love me and that he was the man I was meant to find. He is everything I ever dreamed of.

I wrote him a letter.... "I fell in love with this weekend, and it had nothing to do with my camera. A week, 10 days, doesn't matter. You asked me before, and I wasn't sure then, I am now. I understand if you're not there yet, you'll tell me when/if you get there, but I am, and I know now, more sure than I've known anything else in my life...I love you. I used to wonder how I would know when it was right, when I had found someone who was good enough for me and I was good enough for. My sister said “You’ll know, because it will be everything you’ve ever dreamed of.” And she was right, because I’ve found everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I’ve found you. The things we regret the most in life are the things not done. I don’t ever want to regret not telling you how I feel. I love you. Plain and simple, with everything that I am, I love you.” He cried when he read it, and he kept it. He gets it.

I leave tonight, right after work, the kids and I are going to spend the weekend with him and his kids. They have a go-cart, they have a pool, they have horses, the kids will have so much fun. The girls are excited about meeting his daughter, cute little 3 year old Princess. Bo already thinks Scooter is cool because he races dirt bikes.

It's home. That's what it feels like with him. The broken road I've traveled has lead me straight to him.

I'm sorry....

I'm sorry! I know, I've been terrible about posting here. I used to be like clockwork, but now, not so much. So I thought I'd take a few minutes before my weekend (and since the boss is out of the office all day) to catch you all up on the goings on (is that right?) in my life.

I got my new camera and can I just say that I LOVE IT!!! I took it to Troy last weekend and took some awesome pictures at a motor cross race. Truly amazing. Of course, I chickened out and shot completely in AUTO b/c I didn't want to miss anything. (I've been trying to post pictures for a week now, damn blogger won't let me! *@#$^#)

I guess I should put this here, although I know the response I will get. I am seeing someone new. This is not another "Here we go again" kind of thing. It was his son I was shooting at the Motor cross. (Yes, the ex wife was there as well. I love her! She's great and we hit it off immediately!) He's a wonderful man. And for the first time in probably all of my life, he is my age. He has 2 kids, and was married for 18 years. I don't need to air their dirty laundry here, as it's his history, not mine to share. Just suffice it to say, this is completely different than any other relationship I've ever been in. There is no questions, no doubts, no second guessing, no weighing and measuring, no looking for hidden meanings. It is just what it is, and I accept it for what it is.

The kids are registered for school now, and have all met their teachers. Bo will be going out for football this year. I told him last year if he made the grades he could try out this year. The little snot made A's and B's last year, so here we are trying out for football. I hope he makes the team, it would be wonderful for him. The girls both have new teachers this year, new to the school as well as to them. I met both of them last night, and truly like them both. I'm thinking the girls will have a great year this year.

Got a phone call from C2 today, and apparently he's managed to get himself fired from yet another job. I only hope and pray it doesn't take 6 months to find another one. It's kind of hard to keep a job when you fail to show up for work every day. I am sure that in the 6 months he's been there, he has never worked a full 40 hour week. Yet again, another reminder of why I am no longer with this loser.

I'm trying to think if there is anything new in my life that may or may not interest you. I will post something later about the new guy. Kind of a funny story, several actually, about him, how we met, and the connection we have. But that's another post altogether.

It's here! It's Finally Here!

My baby arrived today. Signed for at 9:34 this morning by my son. I have been anxiously awaiting it's arrival and now, my baby's here.

My Nikon D70 got here this morning. I have dreamed of this camera, drooled over this camera. And now, I own this camera.

Yes, it's digital, and yes it will help me learn certain concepts so much quicker because I will get to see the results immediately. But, while I have lusted after, drooled over, and dreamed of this baby, my first true love is my Minolta which is film.

In fact, I just turned a really big corner with my film camera last week. My pictures has always been really grainy with my film, and I wondered if it was just film or if it was something I was doing wrong. Turns out I had to learn a thing or two about exposure and ISO. But I got a better grip on it, at least for 1 roll of fim.

I shot these pictures a couple of weeks ago, so I don't remember the settings exactly, except the film was 800 but I set the ISO on my camera to 640 and there is very little grain to them. Check these out...

I still have so much to learn, and this is just another step in the journey, in the process. But it's huge! I never dreamed I'd be here, that I'd own this. Thanks M. I owe you so much! Thank you for your help, your advice, your gifts, your belief in me, and for everything you've done with every step I've taken on this journey of mine.

Kuddos! Huge Kuddos!!!

Kuddos go out to the lifeguard team at Memorial Pool here in town. Yesterday, I took the kids to the pool for the afternoon to swim. It was pretty crowded, and with the Special Olympics in town, it was really crowded, but not unbearable.

The kids were swimming when the lifeguards blew their whisltes and told everyone "Out of the pool. Everyone out now!" That is completely and totally unusual for them. 10 seconds, kid you not, the pools, all 3 of them, were completely empty, except for the young guy the lifegards were pulling out of the water. They cleared out the pools and immediatly the entire team was responding to the guy in trouble.

They pulled the guy out of the water on a body board and started doing CPR on him. Not just mouth-to-mouth, but CPR, compressions on the chest, full-blown CPR. The fire department, the police and the ambulance and EMT's responded. After working on him for 5 or 10 minutes we could see that he was alive and moving and apparently throwing up.

They took him out on a gurney, strapped to a body board with a neck brace. I'm sure a lot of that was normal procedures. The entire pool population watched and waited, and applauded when he left.

Yes, it was scary, and yes the thought crosses your mind, that could have been anyone, including my kids. But in the midst of the drama, there was a sense of awe in watching the lifegard team work together and save a guy's life. You could tell they were well trainied because there was no questioning or second guessing anything... they just jumped in and did their job. Now, if you know public pools and lifeguards, you know that they don't look older than high school/college age kids. And yet, they saved a guys life yesterday.

While you hope to never have to see them in action, it was reassuring to know that they could and would jump into a situation, take charge and save a life.

Kuddo's guys to a job well done!!! We can not say thank you enough.

The Olsen Twins...Part II

Tell me that Jessica and Ashley Simpson don't look like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

6 Bullets No bodies

• I got my hands on a scanner yesterday. We had a couple of old ones here at work that were being ‘tossed out’ and I snagged one. The really cool part? It comes with an attachment that scans negatives! I’ll be able to scan my pictures into my computer from the negatives instead of a CD.

• I found out last night from a Knucklehead that apparently last year right around the time I had my break down, there were people out there who were in my life who seriously thought I was on cocaine or meth. WOW. I knew I was sick, and I knew that I had some serious issues, but I didn’t know people actually believed I was on serious drugs.

• My photography has actually started to take off a little. In the past week or so, I’ve showed a few people some of the pictures I’ve taken of my girls and after looking at those they have said they would consider having me do a photo shoot of them sometime. I’m actually kind of excited about this!

• Talking to Knucklehead 2, he said “I just want you to find someone you can be happy with all the time.”
  I answered him, “I already have.”
  He looked at me kind of funny.
  So, I explained, “I have found someone I’m happy with all the time. Me. I’m happy with me now. All of the time.” And that is the truth, and it felt good to say that, and mean it.

• Can I just say I’m tired of picking up my girls after a weekend at their dad’s only to have them spend the first hour they are home bitching about how awful their weekend was because they had problems with their dad’s girlfriend? How is it that they can be so miserable and unhappy and he just can’t see it and doesn’t care? And when I try to tell him about it he doesn’t believe me, and he then interrogates the girls to the point they are afraid to tell him anything.

• I’ve been told that the 15 pounds I’ve gained in the past year are a good thing. I have a hard time thinking of them that way though. I’ve been told I look great, and healthy. I know they are right. I can’t seem to love those extra pounds just yet. Even so, I’m not trying to get rid of them either.

Too Funny for words...

This is Leonid the Magnificent. He was a contestant on America's got Talent. Don't ask me what his talent was..Oh yeah, he balanced swords (insert your own joke here). Anyway, watching this one night with the kids we're all kind of laughing. Mr Wonderful's son was watching..and he looked at us and said "Dude! Is that guy wearing pink lipstick? Gross!"

Uh, yeah, you're looking at this guy and you can't get past the lipstick?