Progress

I have shored up a portion of the delapitated corner of the universe I occupy. I have prevented a catastrophe, even though there will be some fall-out in the days to come from the decision I have made, I won't have to contend with it much.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, my job here at the Accounting firm has become impossible to tolerate. For several reasons. It started with the ex MIL with an axe to grind, who just isn't happy until she's made everyone else in the world miserable. Her life is only truly complete when she can successfully stir the pot and anger half a dozen or so people. Anyway, she zero'd in on me, and decided that having 1 unemployed parent wasn't good enough for my girls, they should have a matched set, and she set out to get me fired from this job. All because I came to my senses and divorced her son.

Anyway. I digress. There have been other incidents in the past week, that have left me utterly stunned and speachless to say the least. I believe there is crossing the line of appropriateness and then there is driving the mack truck clear over the line without a second thought. And welcome to my world.

The following conversation took place Tuesday morning, here at work, between Big Boss and myself.

Ok, this morning he was telling me about docking the boat, and how he let his son dock it this weekend. Now, it's a big ass boat, and there is only 4" clearance on either side of it in the slip. He said 'I should teach you to dock it sometime."

Me: I don't need to know how to dock it. I'd tear it all up.

Big Boss: You just need to strangle it. (What that has to do with anything I don't know) You know, some girls like that. A guy's hands around their throat.

Me: Oh, hell no.

Big Boss: You don't like that? I thought you'd like that.

Me: Ok, well, you need to get to Meyer Electric. Will you have email access there?

Big Boss: Yes, I will.

Me: Fine, then if you need anything from the office, you can get a hold of me that way.

Big Boss: I'd sure like to get a hold of you.

There were other conversations, the day prior to this, that are even more outrageous and unappropriate. I won't even go there.

So, I contacted the temp agency, who placed me here and told them "I won't work with this. Get me out of here." And true to their word, they got me a job interview today. I totally aced it, and walked out of there with a new job offer, that will become permanent in 30 days. In a primarily female work environment. So, while sexual harassment is not impossible in that environment, the odds of it occurring decress significantly.

I am away from the prying, spying, controling ex MIL from hell. I am away from the 60 year old perverted dirty old man here, and I have found a job that offers benefits and potential for growth and advancement.

So, there is one problem solved. On to the next one. Anyone know where I can get my hands on about $800?

My Little Corner of the Universe

I know that life has ups and downs, ebbs and flows, good with bad. I know that it all has to fall apart so that it can come back together again, better than ever. Knowing all of that does not make it any easier or better to deal with when it all falls apart.

My dishwasher has stopped working. Don’t ask, I don’t know, I’m not an electrician. I’ve been in this apartment less than a year, and the dishwasher has died. When you turn it on it just clicks and whines a bit, and you can hear the electrical stuff inside try and do something, it just never manages to get it altogether and actually run.

My kitchen is now being invaded and infested with bugs. Every morning, I turn on the light and there is a mad scurry of bugs all over my counter. I clean up all the food, I do all the dishes every night, by hand, before I go to bed. There is nothing for them to get, and yet, there are bugs. In fact, just last night, I stepped around my table to find a HUGE ugly ass spider on my floor apparently in the middle of giving birth to a new army of these nasty things. When I went to kill her, she virtually *exploded* and I had hundreds of babies all over the place. I literally had to mop my kitchen floor with RAID last night to get rid of all of them. I think it has a lot to do with the nasty bales of hay that have been outside my apartment against the building now for over a year. The stupid ass landlord claims they are mine, but they’re his.

I have mice in the apartment now too. I’m not allowed to have pets without paying a pet deposit. I’m not paying a deposit for these little guys, because these are not here by my invitation. Mice are not something new. I had to deal with them in the last apartment I lived in (yes, the one with the rainforest in the bathroom). So, a couple of traps, some peanut butter, and we’re good.

Things are not going well at my job either. Yes, it’s a temp-to-hire situation and my 90 days is almost up. That means I will then become a permanent full time employee here at the accounting firm. Along with becoming a permanent full time employee comes a really nice pay raise and benefits, both of which I could really use. The problem is, there are some things that have happened here that makes my staying here really uncomfortable, almost impossible. I know I’m on a short time frame, and I know that doing what is right means walking away from really good money and benefits, but I also know that staying can not be good for me, and things can not be allowed to continue they way they have been. And for those of you who read this blog on a regular basis, this situation is independent and completely different from the one created by my ex mother-in-law.

The Slug (C2) still is gainfully unemployed, and therefore the child support payments from him have completely dried up and ceased to exist. It’s funny, his daughters still have a need for food, shelter, clothing, and other essentials. He just doesn’t have a need to help provide those things for them. Unfortunately for me, the system seems to work in his favor this way, and we really can’t do a damn thing to him until he’s an ungodly $5000 behind! WTF.

Tate brought home progress reports last night. Not looking as promising as I had hoped. Part of the deal with her joining the choir was she had to keep her grades up and had to turn in all of her work, on time. She’s got a couple of D’s going on, because there was an assignment in each subject not turned in and that hurt her. And she’s not getting all of her AR points that she needs to get. So, we had a discussion last night that if she can’t hold up her end of the deal, she will be pulled from choir. I wanted to remind her that her father is looking for any possible excuse to pull her out anyway, and I’ve fought against him to get her into this choir. But I didn’t need to drag her into our issues. It’s her job to just be a kid, do her homework and sing. The rest is up to me.

Then, after the progress report I was handed, she comes out and apologizes as she hands me a note from the library because she’s lost a library book, and now I have to pay $20 to replace it. OK. Library books go in a specific place in our house, school library books or public library books, doesn’t matter. This one, somehow ran away from it’s home and found it’s way somewhere else. I knew it had to be in the house, so I made her look for it. 45 minutes later, she found it, buried in her room (that’s a mess again) and saved me $20.

So, over all, there isn’t one thing that is falling apart in my life, but when combined with all the things that are falling apart in my life, the get pretty damn overwhelming.

On a good note? B just called, my appointment is set for 11:00 AM tomorrow morning. I get to go be pampered and spoiled and made beautiful! I can hardly wait!!!!!!

My Amazing Weekend

Ok, I had the most amazing weekend, with the most amazing man, and I fell in love all over again. (Is that really possible?)

I’ll be honest; I had been kind of worried for a little while lately that things were changing, that the fun, the excitement, and the ‘magic’ if you will, was fading. I was bracing for the worst. In all honesty, things have been a bit hectic and busy at his place, what with our combined 5 kids, and then the weekend of the family reunion. It’s been a bit crazy. Our ex spouses have added to the insanity too (some more than others) and we’ve both been tired, and stressed a little. So, there have been a plethora of excuses as to why there seemed to be something going wrong between us.

This weekend, the pink elephant that I *thought* was sitting there, between us, unspoken, didn’t exist. We relaxed, we enjoyed each other again, and we loved each other again. I felt closer to Batman this weekend than I have in about 3 weeks. It was heaven. And I fell in love with him all over again.

We went out to eat here Saturday night with B’s one and only employee (for the time being) and his fiancé. The food was wonderful, (with the exception of the first 3 steaks) the company was fun, the drinks were killer, and the wait-staff was amazing. (Hot too! But that’s another post entirely). We ate, we drank, we laughed, and had a blast.

Then we went bowling, which included more drinking. (Not the yummy shaker-tinis I was throwing back at dinner, but damn good beer) The bowling was hilarious, and thank god for the drinking, it was excuse enough for the bowling (I’m not sure you call what we were doing bowling).

We went home that night, exhausted, but damn we had fun. It was technically only our second date, (our first one being here) even though we’ve been together for almost 8 weeks now.

We spent the next day, lazing around, not doing much of anything, lounging around in bed most of the day, watching the the race, and football. After dinner, Batman surprised me with a road trip to get ice cream. I know that to him it wasn’t a big deal at all. It was, after all, just ice cream. But to me, it was incredibly sweet, and touching, in a way I can’t even explain. He told him mom, “I know we can make hot fudge sundaes here, but I want to take her out for ice cream.” And that was just the simplest, sweetest thing he could have done. Along the way, we decided to go get his kids and take them with us. Yes, that meant seeing D, and the house they used to live in together. But to me, it’s just a house, and I can’t see him there, I only see her and the kids. I don’t see anything of him there, so it didn’t bother me.
Not like he thought it would. And I understand his concern, I wasn’t sure I wanted to see it, but really, it’s her house now. To him he will always see it as it was, I just saw it as it is, and now it’s all hers and not his at all.

The ice cream was the perfect ending to a perfect weekend. (OK, B, really you know what the perfect ending was to the perfect weekend. It was last night at 10:00. Yeah, not this morning at 5:30, although, I did leave without tears this time….LOL). It was really just a simple thing, ice cream, and yet it touched me. I thought it was romantic and sweet (even if he didn’t). He does so many little things for me, that some people would let go by unnoticed, but I try to notice them and say thank you, and let him know that the little things mean so much to me.

Little things like my hat, little things like bringing me coffee in bed on the weekends, making me a killer margarita, and sending me after breakfast with his credit card. (and allowing me to sign his name. Yes, I know, it’s probably corny as hell that I get a not so secret little kick out of signing his name to his credit card slip, but well, I’m sure not everyone gets to do that.) I think it’s cute that he’ll ask me “If I ask you a question will you give me a real honest answer?” And then when he asks, I answer with ‘I don’t care”, so he will rephrase the question and ask it again and again until it’s worded just right to get the answer he wanted. It all boils down to he’s trying to teach me to make a decision, based on my wants/need/opinions alone. He does so many little things that mean so damn much to me. Kissing me when he leaves a room, reaching out to hug me when I walk by, always asking me if I want something whenever he gets up to get himself something. He asked me (after we decided to take the kids with us for ice cream) if it would bother me to see where he used to live. There really are too many to list here, but every day, all the time, he always does little things (and some not so little things) to let me know that he thinks I’m pretty damn special to him.

Now, if I could only find a way to repay him the same consideration……

My new look is on it's way

I'll admit, I'm not the BIGGEST fan of Nicole Richie, but since she cleaned up her act and found a little class, she at least *looks* better than she did. See the following pictures.


Aside from being on the too skinny side, she looks good. OK, well, at least her hair does. To me. I LOVE IT! So, thumbing through a magazine this weekend (October Cosmo, to be exact) I found a picture of Nicole sporting a really cute 'do (page 120 exactly), and I mentioned to Batman, how much I loved her hair.

"Yeah, I think it's cute too. Here let me see it."
He looks at the picture, looks at me, looks at the picture again, and says "It would look really cute on you too."

OK, well, my hair won't do that, not without professional intervention.

Ok, so go get some.

I can't.

Sure you can.

Takes $$ I don't have.

I don't think you're hearing me, sure you can. Got someone at home who can do it for you?

No.

Ok, then I'll call my man J, make the arrangements and you'll have it done this week. Can you come down early one afternoon to get this done?

Are you serious?

Yes ma'am I am. Can you get away?

Uh, yeah. I can so get away for a new 'do.

ACK! So, Batman has decided that because I hate my hair (and God, do I hate my hair, but that's been the story of my life since I was 13. Nothing new there) and have most of my life, it's time I love my hair. He says I deserve to be pampered a little now and then, and he knows just the man to do it, and he's going to take care of it. Set up the appointment, pay for it, all I have to do is show up, relax, enjoy and look stunning after it's all done.

I am just floored, totally blown away by this, by his offer, his generousity. Nobody has ever offered to do this for me before and I feel a *little* guilty about letting him do this for me, but he says I deserve to be pampered, and he wants to do this. All I have to do is relax and let him.

Never before has someone cared enough about me, and wanted to do something like this for me. It's so new to me. I am just amazed, blown away by the offer, and by him.

So, later this week, look for pictures of the new me, sporting my new 'do. Now I feel I need to have a serious heart to heart with those new 15 pounds that have been hanging around. Not sure they need to go away, but damn, couldn't they be a little less lazy and flabby? The gorgeousness can't stop dead at my chin, must go clear to my toes. (yes there's a mani and a pedi in my future too. Thanks B!)

Team Gold

 

The First Game of the Season

Bo is obviously #66. They lost last night, got their butts handed to them on a silver platter. The other team was just more of a team. For a while I thought our boys thought they were playing freeze tag instead of tackle football. They will have to learn to follow through with the plays and take the other guy out, not just tag him. But it will be a good learning experience anyway.

So, here are a few pictures of the football jock, and some of this team from last night. I'm sure there will be more in the weeks ahead. Please be patient with me, I'm a proud mama showing off my little boy who's growing up. 

My Football Stud

Let me preface this post with a resounding *I KNOW* the 2nd picture is out of focus. No excuse for it, but there it is. Deal with it or move on.

Yes, that is Ian, wearing his official game jersey. Brought it home last night, and his first game is tonight @ 5:30. And since it's a home game, the boys wore their jerseys to school today. As B says, the girls will drool, the guys will think he's cool, and the testosterone will be running high. I remember the football teams in high school wearing their jerseys on game day. Yes, the testosterone will definately be running high today.

Good Luck tonight Bo! I know you'll do Great! I'm proud of you! 

Slaying my dragons

I am my own worst enemy. I still haven’t quite mastered separating the past from the present. I still let old fears and gut reactions to actions take over and I am in danger of losing the best thing that has happened in my life.

I am fighting stupid insecurities and I don’t know why they have surfaced. I don’t know what the trigger is, or why they are here, haunting me. It is like Pandora’s Box has been opened, and the demons have been let free, and they have targeted me.

I got an email from a friend of mine, and instead of ignoring it I acted on the insecurities I would have done well to ignore. I knew the truth, I knew the answer and I should have trusted it and let sleeping dogs lie. Instead, I opened the box further and unleashed even more daunting, more real demons.

I have heard people talking about their Princess of Paranoia, and I know that I have my own Duchess of Doubt. But really, my issues, my fears, my insecurities are more like demons and dragons that need to be slain, rather than a Princess or a Duchess. I feel more powerful when I have a dragon lying dead at my feet, than I would if I had just sent a princess packing for a while.

I don’t know what brings the dragons out of their lairs, I don’t know what awakens them, or stirs them into the frenzy they are in when they finally reach me. Maybe I have my own Princess of Paranoia and she awakens them and sends them to feed on the fears I already have. I know that unless I stand up and fight back the dragons, they will continue to come around, bigger and uglier, meaner and fiercer than before.

I know that I have a knight who would fight the dragons for me, but that victory would be his, not mine, and hollow to me. I need to face this dragon, toe-to-toe and fight it, and slay it alone. Only then will I truly be free of its grip on me. I don’t know how to fight it, and I don’t know how to win, but fight it I must. I have to find a way to overcome and win the battle, against the odds it stacks against me. For until I do, it will continue to feed on my very happiness and destroy the one thing I treasure most. After all, don’t all dragons steal and hoard treasures untold? This dragon threatens to steal my biggest treasure, and I must fight to defend and protect and save it from the damage my dragon threatens to do.

Once again I will pick up my armor, gather my shield, wield my sword and prepare for battle. I will fight to the death, to protect that which I have found and that which is mine. I will not lose the one most precious to me, not to this dragon who is more smoke and puff that anything real. It is based on a past, that haunts me to this day, but based not on anything real. Even though the fear and insecurities it alights in me are both very real. I know that I have the weapons I need at my disposal, I just have to remember how to use them best. I will win this fight, because my life, and that of my beloved, depend on it. 

It is what it is and nothing more. It's not enough...yet

I just got off the phone with my lawyer, and according to her, there really isn’t a damn thing I can do legally to stop the assault The Slug’s family has launched against me. Nor is there anything I can do to get full custody of the girls, or terminate his rights. I guess him being an asshole just isn’t enough reason to get him out of their life.

I can list reason after reason why I want him completely out of their life, and mine, but the law doesn’t give a shit about my reasons. He still takes his visitation, even though he uses that time to make their life a living hell. He’s behind on his child support, but only less than $600, and we can’t do anything legally until he’s closer to $5000 behind. Until his brother is convicted of his sexual misconduct, I can’t even keep that child molesting monster away from the girls. The Slug doesn’t have to let them participate in any extracurricular activities, and I can’t make him. I can’t even move out of the area and get away from the assault they have launched against me, unless I go to court and fight to be allowed to provide a better life for my girls.

Even if B and I get married, I will have to go to court to be allowed to move them out of the area. Even though B and I together can provide the girls with a happier, more stable, better life and home environment, The Slug still has the right to prevent that. And I know he would. Not because he thinks he can do a better job of raising them, but because he would do anything to prevent me from being happy and having a better life.

I am calling my lawyer to find out if I truly am tied to this area until the girls are out of school. If I am required to stay here until Newt reaches 18 then I’m going to be really upset that my lawyer allowed that to get into the papers.

Tell me if I’m wrong, but really, we can fight anything out in court. I can give him the 60 days notice, I can prove that it will be to provide the girls with a better life, and even if he wants to contest it, ultimately the judge will have to decide. Am I willing to risk it all and a roll of the dice?

It all boils down to this. After the assault that was launched against me, I am leaving this job. I don’t know that I have a choice. For now, the Big Boss is siding with me, but he made it clear, if the Ex MIL and the family at large continue to raise a real stink about my employment here, he will have no choice but to terminate me. Fine. That tells me all I need to know, right there. For now, I am safe, but in the grand scheme of things, his clients mean more to him than his employees, or at least me. He won’t stand behind me, he won’t defend me, I’m not as valued as they are, time to cut my losses and go.

So, having reached that decision, I now have to decide, do I stay in this area and find yet another job, and pray that they don’t come after me there, and allow The Slug to be an ass to me and the girls, or do I cut all ties here, get the hell out of Dodge and move closer to Batman and start over fresh?

The more I think about it, I think that moving closer to Batman may be jumping the gun a little (ok, a lot) because really, we don’t have anything solid yet. He said to me: “I couldn't promise you anything as you know but I do believe we could have a future. I do think about it often.” Ultimately though the decision has to be about what is best for me, and the kids, and can’t include him at all. According to him, he has to be taken out of consideration in this decision, he can’t factor into it at all.

And that right there sports fans is the answer to my problem. I can leave this job, but I will not move the kids. No matter how much better our life could be without The Slug and the family at large, the fact is, Batman can’t be counted on to be there. I know that the decision to uproot everyone and move is solely mine, and the move is my responsibility alone. I know that I would be moving there with no promise of a safety net, with no guarantee of anything beyond today. I am just not prepared to make that kind of leap of faith. The truth is, he’s not as sure about us as was, not as sure about his feelings for me as I am about mine. And I can not risk my family, my kids, my life on something that uncertain.

I want my life back...at any cost

At what point exactly does my life become wholly my life? When exactly will my ex and his family get their fucking noses out of my business? Oh, and leave it to me to unite a divided front. I have managed to do single handedly alone, without any effort, what they themselves couldn’t do for 30 years.

Apparently, C2 has set Tate down and interrogated her and pumped her for all the information he can possibly get out of her about my life. Who I’m dating, how often we see each other, where he lives, what are his parents’ names, where am I working, how late, how much money do I make. You name it, if she even has an inkling of any information he’s pried it out of her against her will.

It has come to his mother’s attention that I work for an accounting firm here in town, that once upon a time, did her taxes. As I’ve stated in previous posts, big hairy fucking deal. I don’t care. Apparently this firm does her taxes, C2’s father’s taxes, C2’s father’s girlfriend’s taxes, C2’s Aunt’s taxes, and Lord knows who else. They are apparently scared to death I am going to get into their personal returns and sell that information or use it. What the fuck ever. Frankly the only people who truly care about their finances are them. Nobody else gives a shit. They truly aren’t as important in the world as they would like to think.

Anyway, C2’s mother, father, aunt, Lord knows who else have all called my boss, and have not only expressed their concerns, they have demanded my job. They want me fired. They want me out on the street tomorrow, if not today, and they want me gainfully unemployed and destitute. At the same time they are demanding my head on a silver platter, they are claiming to love my children with their entire heart and soul. That’s funny. Because if I am gainfully unemployed, then who will be providing for the girls? Surly not them or C2, he’s unemployed too at the time.

Now, they obviously have an over inflated ego problem if they think for half a second that I actually give a good god damn about them at all. If they honestly think I would risk my job waste my precious time rifling through their files for information they are stupid beyond belief. I mean, really, who the fuck do they think they are? Why do they think that anyone, least of all me, would give a rat’s fucking ass about them? I divorced not only C2, but his whole entire fucking family! I don’t talk to them, I don’t want anything to do with them. I try my best to ignore them and pray to god they would just disappear, and yet they keep sticking their fucking noses in my business.

At what point exactly does my life become my life to live without ANY fucking interference from them? At what point do they get to keep their god damned nose out of my life? Yes, I can understand their concern, sort of. But steps have been taken on our end to ensure that I don’t have access to any of their personal records. I am well aware of these steps, and am not offended or opposed to them. In fact, I kind of like them and welcome them because now should something happen, my ass is protected by the very safe guards put in place to protect them.

As for what I've done? I've single handedly united a divided front. Ever since C2's parent's divorce, his father' s family has shunned his mother (with good reason, let me tell you. She's a fucking bitch) but now, apparently I am the bigger of the two evils, because it seems that they have joined forces to try and get my job. C2's parent's are talking and the aunts and uncles are now including his mother in their battle plans. Probably more correctly, she has engaged them to join her army, as I am sure she is leading the battle, taking charge and launching this attack on me.

I truly just want my life back. I want my life to be my own without any interference from them. I want them out of my life completely and totally. It’s been 2 fucking years and they still have their far stretching tentacles stuck into my life. Will I ever be free of them? Ever? And at what cost? What will it take to get my life completely free of them? I’ll pay it, whatever it is.
I just want to be free, I want my life back. I want them to leave me the fuck alone.

Too Cute for Words

I will admit to having a girl crush on Reese. I'm sorry, but she is just too cute for words. She always looks good. So, when I find my genie in a bottle, I'm gonna rub it extra hard, and wish, just for one day, to be Reese. 

More questions, still no answers

Yesterday, the world, (ok, my boss and my ex husbands – yes plural) had more than just a passing interest in the state of my union with Batman. (yes, the man really needs a new nick name).

Newt had a parent meeting last night, and of course, we both needed to attend. After the meeting, C2 asks me “So, is he good to the girls?”

What?

Is he good to the girls, that’s all I want to know.

Yeah, he good to the girls. He’s better to them than you are.

Whatever.

Well he doesn’t yell at them, hit them, he listens to them, talks to them, he actually cares about them and their life and he spends time doing things with them.

He better not f@*king hit them.

Yeah, that’s reserved just for you.

Whatever.

You know, if you’re so worried about people being good to the girls, you might want to take a good look around your world. After all, your heifer bitch girlfriend is a hateful hag to the girls, and your brother doesn’t know how to keep his hands to himself.

So, what am I looking at?

What are you talking about?

Well, you spend a lot of time with him.. when are you moving down there?

Uh, yeah, I spend every weekend with him, but as for moving down there? I promise you I will not move while the kids are in school this year.


I understand the concern when it involves the kids, but I don’t have the answers to the questions being asked. For once in my life, everyone in my life is questioning my relationship, and the future, more than I am. That speaks volumes to me.

Couldn't be more Proud

Yes, that good looking young football player, yeah, the one on the left, yeah, that's my son. My baby is no longer a baby, no longer a child, he is knocking on the door of manhood. He looks so mature, so grown up, so big in those pads. And to see him play? This boy..er guy looks damn good on the field. He knows what he's doing and looks good doing it.

Football has helped his struggling self esteem, he's finding himself, finding his place in the world. Sometimes I wish his father would let go a little (OK a lot) and let him flouder and stumble along the way, for it's the only way Bo will grow and learn and stand alone. But that is another post entirely.

Last night, for a while, he was a BMOC (Big man on campus), he was A Football Player. And last night his father and I got a glimpse of things to come. Bo's going to be great. 

Wait and see

There seems to be an increasing interest in my personal life today.  I don’t know what prompted it, I don’t know why, but apparently my personal life, and my future seems to be endlessly fascinating to not only my boss, but my ex husband too.

First of all, my boss and I were having our morning meeting, and that usually includes a lot of BS on his part.  So, I listen to him regale me with stories of tenants he’s had to evict from rental properties he’s owned in the past.  

Then, completely out of left field, we are on the subject of me.  And out of the blue, he says something along the lines of “Well, I give you 6 months, you’ll be getting married and moving away.”  Uh? Hello?  I don’t think so.  In fact, I can guarantee you I won’t be getting married in the next 6 months. I won’t be moving in the next 6 months. I won’t be leaving in the next 6 months.  I can almost guarantee you none of that will happen in the next 12 months.  Somehow I don’t think he believed me.  No matter. I know the truth, and I promise everyone here, I will NOT be getting married, nor will I be moving away in the next 6 months.

Then I get the following email from Bo’s Dad:  
I need to ask you a question. You seem to be spending quite a bit of time with this B guy from St Louis. How serious is this?

I respond with:  Why do you need to know?

I get this:  Well, you're driving down there a lot, you're going down for a family reunion this weekend and he's been up here a few times. Sounds like it's getting pretty serious and I would like to know how serious this is.

By this time I’m mad that he’s nosing around.  I mean, really, what business is it of his?  I can see if it affected him, but right now, my relationship with Batman does not affect him at all.  So, I respond: You know, all you really need to know is that Bo is fine.  Bo likes B, and B likes Bo, you could tell that by the way Bo jumps on the phone every night after practice and tells B all about it.  Really, my personal life is just that, my personal life.  If this gets to a point that it will effect Bo’s living arrangements, (and therefore your visitation schedule) then I will be sure to give you the required 30 days notice as stated in our divorce.  Until that time, if that ever arrives, my personal life is really none of your business. I do not owe you an explanation of any sort regarding my personal life. I don’t ask about your personal life, I would appreciate it if you would stay out of mine.

Why is it that my ex’s seem to have forgotten that the very same divorce papers that granted them their freedom to live their life the way they saw fit without any interference from me, also granted me the very same freedom?  Yes, I understand that I am the mother of their children, and they have a right to know that their children are being well taken care of.  The fact that I’m their mother should be reason enough for them to believe that.  I mean, doesn’t it stand to reason that if they honestly believed I could not take care of the children, they wouldn’t have agreed to have kids with me in the first place, and they would have taken full custody of the kids from me in the divorce?  

I am required by the divorce to give no less than 30 days, but up to 60 days notice of any change in residence, if at all possible.  That’s it.  And should Batman and I decide this is where we want to be and that the only place we can be together is away from here, then when we get to that point, I will let the ex’s know.  But until then, until the day I actually move away from here, my personal life, is just that,*my personal life*.

If/when B and I ever get to the point we want to make this legal, believe me we know there will be many hoops through which we will have to jump in order to combine our two families.  I have two exes who will undoubtedly have something to say about the matter.  Already, neither one of them can keep their mouths shut, and their nose out of my business.  B’s ex has already tried to convince him to move *closer* to her so that he can have the kids more often.  I seriously doubt she will be happy with the prospect of him moving closer to me.  And that is yet another thing to determine.  We don’t know if we will ever live together, we have to get to that point first.  Then we have to decide where.  

It just seems like there is a lot of undue pressure on me today, especially, to define my relationship with B and predict our future and defend our decisions.  Really, people, we’re the ones who have to make this decision, let us make it when the time is right *for us*.  Believe me, we will let everyone know, in due time.  Right now, we’re just finding out who each other is, and who we are together.  

We’ve just fallen in love; there are a lot of things we need to sort out along the way.  Things like: he likes coconut, and I hate it.  I like artichoke hearts, he doesn’t.  He likes Formula 1 racing, I’m clueless about it. (but I’m learning)  He likes the Rams, and I prefer the Chiefs.  He likes golf and tennis; I’m just learning to like them.  Naps are a luxury on the weekends that he insists on and I am getting spoiled by.  There is still the argument where he claims his jeans should fit me, and I think he’s bumped his head.  And that’s just the important stuff, we have yet to get into the trivial things like money, cars, cleaning the bathroom, does the toilet paper go over or under (Over buddy, don’t fight me on this one), dogs vs. cats.  

Yes, our lives, and our families blend beautifully… on the weekends.  But it’s a long way from weekends to every day.  There are many hurdles to be cleared just between the 2 of us, let alone the 5 kids involved.  And all of that must be settled before we can even begin to think about including other people, outside of our immediate family.  Maybe I’m wrong, but I think that bosses and ex-spouses fall somewhere outside of even that realm.  

I guess what I’m getting at is this.  Our relationship is still so new and there is still so much we don’t know yet about each other.  Asking me to define and defend our relationship right now is asking too much.  Yes, we’ve talked about ‘what if’ and yes we discussed different possibilities and options, yes we have looked down the road towards a future together, but we both know we’re not there.  We’re looking at where this could go, but we both know that our feet are firmly planted on the ground of today.  If this is truly meant to be, then there is no rush to make it permanent.  We know that we can take our time, get to know each other, let the kids form a family in their own way, on their own terms, in their own time.  Forcing it won’t work.  Same goes for you guys, forcing us into something we’re not ready for yet won’t work.  We want to work together to build a strong and solid foundation to build a life and a family on.  That takes time.  But it will be so worth it in the end.  Just wait and see.

Animals of a different kind

My three monkeys visiting the Cincinnati Zoo. It's rare that I get Bo in a picture at all, even more rare that I can get the 3 of them together without bloodshed and tears.

There will be other pictures from Cincinnati posted here, and also at my other blog, "Chasing My Dream" Go check 'em out. 

A few from the Zoo

Just a few pictures of the kids from our trip to Cincinnati. Dad and C took us to the zoo our last morning there, and the kids had a ball. Yes, that last one is me, with a bird sitting on my shoulder. 

My Decathalon This Morning

I came in to work this morning and was greeted by a desk covered with file folders covered in post-it notes, with instructions scribbled on each of them.  In other words, I walked into a headache waiting to happen.

Big Boss had a meeting with a client this afternoon, and was scheduled be there by 11:00.   I had 3 short hours (and based on the looks of my desk the 3 hours would indeed be short ones) to weed my way through this mess, make heads and tails of his scribbled short hand notes, print, collate, copy, sign, file, bind, check and double check everything he needed for this meeting.  

Oh, and did I mention he’s been sick all week, can’t talk above a whisper, and the medication he’s on, knocks his ass out, so he’s been late every day this week.

Once I got the files sorted, read and deciphered the notes, I realized I had 2 tax returns to print (3 copies each) and 5 monthly reports to print (4 copies each. Cover sheet and cover letter on cream paper, the report on white), sign all of this in all the appropriate places, get mailing envelopes together and all the files needed for his meeting.  True to form, he was running late, so no help there.

When Big Boss does manage to make it to the office (at 9:30 – less than an hour before he has to leave to make the meeting on time) he looks over the tax returns and finds an error he missed at 11:30 last night.  Oh joy!  He corrects it, (that means, changing all of 2 numbers) and you guessed it, I have to print, collate, file, and sign the entire return (all 3 copies) all over again.  And this is not a small tax return.  Oh, hell no, we’re talking 259 pages!  

Did I forget to mention that my office is upstairs, his is downstairs and we don’t have an elevator?  That would be too easy, instead, we have a really fun spiral staircase!  Oh joy for me.  And today of all day’s I *didn’t* wear my track shoes, nope, for me it was the 3 inch heels.  And did I also forget to mention that during this process there was at least 15 trips up and down said stair case in the before mentioned heels?  Yeah.

Big Boss did not make it out the door until 11:15 this morning, (yeah, a little late) and apparently he didn’t make it out the door with all the tax returns, (I think he gave me the missing one to shred…oops!)  He called me and said he was missing the government copy of the largest tax return we printed today (yeah, the one we printed twice).  “I don’t think I got out the door with it today”.  I’m thinking you’re lucky you got out the door without me handing you your head and ass to you on a silver platter.

Nuts don't fall far from the tree (or the bush in this case)

Ok, I know I bitch about C2 a LOT, and when I say a LOT, I mean, a LOT. But damn it all, he gives me plenty of reason to. I mean, really, he does.

Tate wants to join a special choir her school has for 4th and 5th graders. Newt wants to join the Girl Scouts. I am a firm believer that my children should participate in any extracurricular activities they want to, provided their grades do not suffer because of it. I think it’s good for them on so many different levels.

I was informed by the girls last night that their father has already decreed that Newt can not join the Girl Scouts, and we all know that Tate does not have his blessing to join the choir (she’s going to audition anyway…I’ll fight that battle for her).

So, let’s just get this smack down started. I decide to call him and issue the first throw-down. “So, why exactly isn’t Newt allowed to join the Girl Scouts and Tate isn't allowed to join the choir?”

Uh, because you didn’t ask my permission first.

Uh, check again, Bud, I don’t need your permission to give my permission.

What if they have a meeting, or a performance, or a rehearsal on a night I have them?

OMG! You might actually have to step up and be a parent for once. You know, this isn’t about you, it’s about them. These are important to the girls. I know that means very little to you. I mean, it’s not like any of this will interfere with your life. Oh, wait, you don’t have a life, you don’t even have a job.

At that point I got the standard “Fuck you” response, which I have learned over the years, translates into “You’re right, and I have no argument for that. I can’t win.”

Can you believe this load of crap? What if they have a meeting on a night I have them? Oh my God! Is it really so impossible for him to stand up and be a parent for once? Is it really such a stretch for him to realize that for once something may not actually be about him, but might actually be about the girls? I mean, really, what is he actually doing that is more important than the girls? He’s doing some recliner time, channel surfing, and web surfing, but I know him, he’s not doing a damn thing that’s productive. He’s not working, that’s for sure.

Then there is his mother. Yes, this is kind of off topic, but it just goes to show what fucked up sense of self this whole entire family has. This woman wants to control the fucking universe. Yeah, good luck with that; you can’t even control your sons. (More on that in a minute).

It seems that a few years ago, (like when she was still married) the accounting firm that I work for now, used to be their accountants (and by ‘their’ I mean C2’s parents). I knew that at the time, it was no big deal to me. Personally, other people’s finances are of no concern to me. Period. I don’t care if you make $1 an hour or $1000 an hour. Bank balances, pay checks, net worth, none of it matters to me unless it’s mine. Period. I couldn’t care less. Well, apparently, she’s got her panties (and I use that term loosely because that implies they are small. Hers I’m sure, are not) all in a wad.

Apparently, she’s terribly upset that I have access to her tax returns from a few years prior. Ok, I guess I can understand that, but really, what am I going to do with that information? What good is it going to do me? Do I really care how much money they made, how much they owed on their taxes? I couldn’t give a flying rat’s ass about any of that shit. I can hardly be bothered to give a shit about her, let alone her financial situation.

But, ok, I have access to her personal tax returns from 3 years ago. Big hairy deal. Her pedophile son has access to my daughters every stinking freaking week and every other damn freakin’ weekend. I’m thinking I have a bigger beef with the current situation than she does. I mean really, get the Frack over it already beyotch.

Now, do you see why she has an over inflated sense of self? She honestly believes I give a shit about her. And you know, for someone who claims they value privacy so god damn much, she sure does spend a hell of a lot of time and energy poking her nose into my personal freakin' business. What about my fracking privacy? Oh, wait, I’m not nearly as important as she is in the grand scheme of the universe, and therefore my privacy is trivial at best.

Ok, so, in summary, let me just say that there really isn’t a day or week that goes by that I don’t regret the fact that my daughters, beautiful and intelligent that they are, share DNA with these freaks of nature and society. It is one of my biggest regrets to date. On the plus side, I do have to say that my girls are smart enough and aware enough that they have kept their eyes and ears open, their mouths closed, learned a lot and formed their own opinions about the whole sordid bunch of them. Unfortunately, they are not yet old enough and courageous enough to go against the whole lot of them and refuse to see them, but I am sure that day looms somewhere on the horizon. When it arrives, it will be a banner day indeed.

September 11

Five years ago today, the world as we knew it changed forever, in a blink of an eye. Everything that we had held true about our country was all of a sudden cast in a shadow of doubt and uncertainty. The news was constant, even if there was nothing to report, the coverage was non stop. Too horrible to watch, and yet, unable to turn it off, we sat transfixed to our televisions, radios, whatever.

At the time my children were 8, 4 and 2 and I remember the day the towers fell, rushing to get the kids from day care, and rushing home to turn on the television. I had listened to the news all day, but I needed to see it, experience it. And I sat there with my babies, and made them watch it too. As horrible as it was, and even though they were too young to understand, (weren’t we all, really?) I made them watch. I wanted them to know, and to remember, to always remember.

How do you explain ‘war’ and terrorism to children when you yourself don’t understand? How do you explain ‘thousands of people, including children dead’ when the kids barely comprehend what death is? And how do you answer “Why?” when your own mind and heart scream the same question?

My children now know war, even though the ugliness of it has not touched their lives directly. They know that Uncle S has been ‘over there fighting in a war’ but they don’t understand exactly what that means. Uncle S can’t tell them or explain it to them because he has seen things no human should ever have to see. Now, 5 years later, ‘The War in Iraq’ is a part of every nightly news cast, and has become common place for us. How do you get to the point where ‘war’ is common place?

I want my children to know, and understand and remember the horror, the fear, the unbelief, of that day so that they will never forget, and will make sure their children never forget. Today we remember 5 years ago, and the people who died that day. Our world has changed. We’ve learned to adapt to the changes. The towers are gone, the destruction and the debris and rubble are gone too. The memories are not. And I pray that they never will be.

Just around the corner

It's just around the corner. I have already seen a glimpse of it. I know it can't be too far away. And yet, I know from years past, it could be elusive and deceptive and run and hide. But I know it's coming. Have you felt it? Can you smell it?


Yep! Autumn is just around the corner. In fact, I have turned off my AC at home, and have my windows open, just a crack. I sleep at night with windows open, fan blowing and I know I am just a few feet shy of heaven.

I actually dug out a long sleeve sweater the other day and wore it to work. I loved it. I love the cool crispness in the air. I love the cool mornings, and warm afternoons. The kids are back in school and getting back into the routine of things.

I love that the oppressive heat and humidity has gone. I can breathe again. I love the look of the fog rolling down the river every morning. (hate driving through it, but love the look of it from a distance)

The days of summer are coming to an end. Autumn has always been about new beginnings, almost like a second 'New Year'. The kids get new shoes, new clothes, back to school with new back packs, and new school supplies. Time to catch up with friends they lost touch with over the summer and make new friends. It's a chance to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. Yes, I am a dork. I love nothing more than a brand new notebook with nothing in it, and a new pen. There is just so many possibilities waiting, promises or hopes and dreams of the next American novel, or at least a teenage diary filled with tears and laughter.

Soon, the leaves will turn, and the kids will start thinking about Halloween. Pools are closed now, swimsuits are put away, never to be worn again. Kids come home from a bike ride with rosey cheeks. Sweaters and sweatshirts worn with shorts, nothing could be sweeter.

I have seen hints of it, I can smell it in the air, I can feel it, waiting, calling, just around the corner.

Just a thought

The following is a text conversation I had with the girls' dad last night.

C2: Back in town yet? (he was going to try and stop me from taking the girls to see their grandfather because he lives in Ohio and that's out of state. More control issues)
Me: Got a job yet?
C2: Nope!
Me: Figures
C2: Yup!
Me: Gonna bother to get one?
C2: Maybe. It's none of your business what I do or don't do.
Me: Not about me, it's about child support for the girls
C2: You just take care of OUR girls

Oh believe me, I do take care of the girls. Way better than you do. You know, sometimes people just don't have a clue. Period. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of exploring the possibility of taking him out of the loop entirely. Just a thought

The love I want

I’ve said it before, and I know that I will say it again, (and again), but I have to be in love with the most wonderful man in the world.

I went to Ohio this weekend to see my father and his wife. This was an important trip for us (me and dad) because we’ve only been on speaking terms again for 2 years, after 10 years of no contact at all. (Long story, another post altogether).

I was kind of dreading the 8+ hour drive that it would take for me and the kids to get there. That’s a long time to be in a vehicle, alone with 3 kids. But I promised them and promised myself we would not push the issue, and stop whenever needed. No point in making the trip uncomfortable, even if it meant being on the road an hour or so longer. (It did)

It took less than 24 hours for me to discover and admit that this trip wasn’t going to be all that I hoped it would be and that I really didn’t want to be there any longer. My father and I have had a rough relationship, to say the very least, all my life. He just is incapable of giving me the love and affection and acceptance that I need and want from him. Oh, don’t get me wrong, he does the best he knows how to do, it’s just not what I need.

I tried to share my photography with him, he wasn’t interested (completely ignored it, walked away when I tried to show him some pics from a recent photo shoot, and showed absolutely ZERO interest in the pictures I did take this weekend). I tried to tell him about Batman, and how much he means to me, and dad just zoned out or changed the subject. There were more meals eaten together where he never said a single solitary word to anyone at the table, even when we spoke directly to him and tried to draw him into the conversations. The one night we actually were there for a while, we (his wife and I) played Chinese Checkers with my kids, while my father sat on the sofa beside us and watched football. Once again, he was in the same house with his family and had still managed to isolate himself from us.

At that point I realized nothing much had changed at all. He still was not the father I had hoped he could be. He still showed complete and total disinterest in me and my children. I knew that I didn’t want to be there any longer. And I called Batman, in tears.

From 3 states and a time zone away, Batman was there for me. Reaching across the miles, through the phone and held me while I cried, and comforted me. He listened while I talked without trying to solve a problem that had no solution, or trying to fix something that is irrevocably broken. He just listened. And then, said simply, “Come home. Leave early, come home, and stay here. You know that you’re wanted and welcome here and I won’t turn you away. Come home.”

Two simple words, “Come home” was enough. My mind was racing, trying to find a way to gracefully leave earlier than planned, and my heart was crying out to go home, to the man I love. Tears fell like rain. Once again I was the daughter who was going to disappoint my father. But as the adult that I am now, I realized I would never have his approval, everything would meet with disappointment, so what I needed to do was make sure I was happy and the kids were too. Staying there was not making me happy. Nothing would have changed if we had stayed longer.

Batman knew and understood why this trip was important to begin with. He knew and understood why the importance changed in the course of the visit. He knew that I needed to go and mend fences, bridge gaps, heal old wounds. He knew that once I was there I discovered that not all fences will be mended, some gaps are too big to be bridged and some wounds leave ugly scars that never go away and never heal the way they should or the way we want them to.

I know now that my father will never be the dad I want him to be. We will never have a warm and fuzzy relationship. We will never be close and he will probably never understand me or even really know me. I have learned that I can accept all of that and that trying to get anything else out of him or out of our relationship is pointless, because it’s just not there. I know now that my relationship with my father (strained and fleeting that it is) will not define me. I have to accept it for what it is, and for everything that it’s not. His feelings towards me or the way he chooses to express them (or not) does not define me as a person. I have found my own way now, my own definition. I know who and what I am regardless of his thoughts and feelings towards me.

Driving back from Ohio, my heart called out to be home. The joy and love that I felt at the thought of being with Batman and his family again was so overwhelming at times I couldn’t breathe. I left Ohio, empty and sad and gray, almost hollow. The closer I got to Home, the more alive and colorful and vibrant and full of love and laughter I felt.

Pulling into his driveway, his daughter, Princess ran to the van and was there when I opened my door, waiting with open arms and a smile that filled my heart with pure joy. Then I stepped out of the van and into the arms of my man and I knew I was home. I knew I was loved and accepted just the way I was. I knew I had found the man who would understand me, would love me, and could comfort me across miles and time differences.

I made important discoveries this weekend. I found out one man never will understand me or really know me, and the other already does.

Time is not always kind, especially to the beautiful people

Can I just say that sometimes I absolutely love Karma. Apparently Karma has been busy dishing out the good stuff lately. My sister is on the good side of Karma again. And I just saw the pictures from the high school reunion I didn’t attend last month. OMG! I so should have gone to that reunion.

In high school, I was the ‘new kid’. We moved to BFE when I was just starting 9th grade, so I was new just as our class was entering high school. These kids had a history, a past, a lifetime together, and I was the outsider. That truly was nothing new to me, I’d been changing schools all my life. But changing schools meant adjusting and acclimating to their style, clothes, talk, walk, habits, everything. That takes time. And when you’re 13/14 years old, you’re already a geek and being ‘different’ just made me stand out a little (LOT) more.

Sure I made friends, sure my clothes changed to their style, sure I learned their lingo, but I could never have the history with them that they had with each other. I would always be the outsider. Couple that with I was painfully shy, and incredibly insecure, and a total geek, nerd (Think Sarah Jessica Parker in Square Pegs and you get the idea) and you realize that I didn’t make a big impression on people in school. The beautiful people couldn’t be bothered to stop staring in the mirror long enough to notice me, and the popular people we always surrounded by their throngs of adoring fans. In fact, I am pretty sure when I graduated, most people wondered who I was.

Flash forward now 20 years. To some, (me) the years have been kind. To others, not so much. I still weigh, within 5 pounds, what I weighed in high school. The red poofy, frizzy hair has been replaced with tamer, calmer, bottle blonde. The Huge Owl-like glasses have gone by the wayside thanks to contacts. And thanks to some very hard life lessons and some therapy, the insecure wallflower has grown and blossomed into a beautiful confident, striking woman. Yeah, I could have gone to that reunion, no one would have known me. Not so much because they didn’t know me then, I am just a different person now.

The beautiful people have not aged gracefully. There is the cheerleader and the Prima Donna who have both doubled their weight and their chins. There is the Homecoming Queen who now looks a lot like Courtney Love on a good clean day. Then there is the Class Sweetheart (her, not him) who now just looks like a really bad country song personified.

I look at these pictures now and realize that Karma has a way of coming back around. They have lived their glory years, they’ve had their shinning moments, they’ve had the beauty and the ‘fame’ so to speak. But they had it all when they were too young to appreciate it. I may have been the ugly duckling wallflower in high school, but that’s ok. I have now, what they had (and I wanted) then. I’m older and wiser and appreciate it much more.