Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Slaying my dragons

I am my own worst enemy. I still haven’t quite mastered separating the past from the present. I still let old fears and gut reactions to actions take over and I am in danger of losing the best thing that has happened in my life.

I am fighting stupid insecurities and I don’t know why they have surfaced. I don’t know what the trigger is, or why they are here, haunting me. It is like Pandora’s Box has been opened, and the demons have been let free, and they have targeted me.

I got an email from a friend of mine, and instead of ignoring it I acted on the insecurities I would have done well to ignore. I knew the truth, I knew the answer and I should have trusted it and let sleeping dogs lie. Instead, I opened the box further and unleashed even more daunting, more real demons.

I have heard people talking about their Princess of Paranoia, and I know that I have my own Duchess of Doubt. But really, my issues, my fears, my insecurities are more like demons and dragons that need to be slain, rather than a Princess or a Duchess. I feel more powerful when I have a dragon lying dead at my feet, than I would if I had just sent a princess packing for a while.

I don’t know what brings the dragons out of their lairs, I don’t know what awakens them, or stirs them into the frenzy they are in when they finally reach me. Maybe I have my own Princess of Paranoia and she awakens them and sends them to feed on the fears I already have. I know that unless I stand up and fight back the dragons, they will continue to come around, bigger and uglier, meaner and fiercer than before.

I know that I have a knight who would fight the dragons for me, but that victory would be his, not mine, and hollow to me. I need to face this dragon, toe-to-toe and fight it, and slay it alone. Only then will I truly be free of its grip on me. I don’t know how to fight it, and I don’t know how to win, but fight it I must. I have to find a way to overcome and win the battle, against the odds it stacks against me. For until I do, it will continue to feed on my very happiness and destroy the one thing I treasure most. After all, don’t all dragons steal and hoard treasures untold? This dragon threatens to steal my biggest treasure, and I must fight to defend and protect and save it from the damage my dragon threatens to do.

Once again I will pick up my armor, gather my shield, wield my sword and prepare for battle. I will fight to the death, to protect that which I have found and that which is mine. I will not lose the one most precious to me, not to this dragon who is more smoke and puff that anything real. It is based on a past, that haunts me to this day, but based not on anything real. Even though the fear and insecurities it alights in me are both very real. I know that I have the weapons I need at my disposal, I just have to remember how to use them best. I will win this fight, because my life, and that of my beloved, depend on it. Posted by Picasa

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