For the love of Elvis, I'm gonna do something

I have noticed in the last week or two that I have let myself go.  My clothes don’t fit any more.  I’m limited to what clothes in my closet I can wear, and I’m noticing none of the cute clothes fit any more.  I’m thankful the weather is cooling off, because then I can hide in bulky sweaters and large sweatshirts.  I stand at my closet full of cute clothes and want to cry because I truly have nothing to wear, nothing fits.  And that makes me feel fat, and that makes me sad and depressed.  It’s a vicious cycle.  Time to end it.

None of this makes me happy.  I have taken to wearing jeans and tee shirts every day.  For some people that isn’t unusual, but for me, jeans and tees are my casual weekend clothes, not my weekday work clothes.  Unfortunately, I am feeling fat and frumpy and not cute at all, and therefore I dress as if I don’t really care.  I don’t wear the cute clothes I used to wear, 1) because I don’t feel cute anymore and 2) they just don’t fit.

My weight has always been an issue in my life.  I am a recovering anorexic.  I have been at a dangerously low weight at least 4 distinct times in my life. Right now I am at a weight that most people (my family especially) would consider a ‘normal’ and ‘healthy’ weight for my height.  Unfortunately, I am unhappy with it.   The challenge isn’t really losing the weight, (I’m good at that, once I put my mind to it) it’s losing weight in a way that I am happy with myself, my weight, my body, and yet my family aren’t worried, scared and riding my ass about it.  I know they mean well, but frankly, it’s my body.  Their idea of healthy, and looks good are vastly different than my idea of happy and satisfied.

I know what I have to do to get where I want to be.  I know, I know, I KNOW (so please don’t tell me, yet again) that my happiness is not based on a number on the scale or the size of my jeans.  Does any of that really matter, when I hate the way my body looks right now?  Does any of that really matter when I hate the way I feel, and I am sinking into the pits of self loathing and despair?  I don’t dress with care anymore because I don’t care how I look.  I want to care again damn it, and I know what I need to do to get there.

I need to eat less and move more.  That means cutting out the bowl of cereal before bed, or the 8:00 peanut butter and jelly sandwich at night.  That means instead of curling up on the couch with a new book, I need to curl some weights and curl myself into a bunch of crunches.  Instead of sitting on my ass watching meaningless television shows, I should be sitting up doing crunches and leg lifts.  Instead of sending the kids to check the mail and take out the trash I should get all of us together and walk to the mail box, or the trash dumpster and then keep right on walking around our neighborhood, at least once.

As my sister always says “for the love of Elvis, don't just bitch about it and whine about it. DO SOMETHING. Saying there's a problem isn't fixing the problem - and if you're not fixing the problem, you're part of it. There is NO middle ground. Words are NOTHING without a plan. HAVE A DAMNED PLAN and stop being so passive aggressive” So, starting today, starting tonight, I’m going to move more, I’m going to eat less.  I’m going to walk the neighborhood with the kids, I’m going to do sit-ups, crunches, leg lifts.  I’m going to do something about this situation.