Monday, October 17, 2005

Tomorrow is another day

I think I’m just going to go home, take care of the kids’ needs tonight, dinner, homework, baths, showers, bed and the because I don’t have the luxury of my sister’s *ahem* herbal cures, I am going to tango with Captain Morgan until I can not tango any longer.  

Yes, I know that the answer can not be found in the bottom of the bottle, I don’t expect to find any answers there.  I just want to get comfortably numb.  I don’t want to give a shit any more about anything.  I want to put my children safely to bed.  I will love them and kiss them and snuggle with them and be the perfect mom that I am every other night.  After all, my morbid feelings are not a reflection of them and are by no means caused by them, so they should not have to suffer through them, not even for a minute.  Once I know they are tucked safely and soundly and lovingly into bed, I am going to dance with Captain Morgan until I can no longer remember the steps.  Tomorrow is another day, full of the same unfulfilled feelings.  Tomorrow is another brick in the wall on which I seem to perpetually bang my head.

Maybe tomorrow I just won’t care how meaningless, mundane and sad my life really is.  But tonight, I want to forget, as much as possible.  I want to numb myself to the pain, and fill the empty void I feel inside.  As I stated above, I know the answers do not lie in the bottle, so save me the sermons and the lectures.  I just want to stop feeling this way, even if that means I stop feeling everything!  Just for tonight.  Give me a fucking break.  I can’t be happy and perfect and cheerful and rosy like all of you all of the time.  MY LIFE SUCKS THE HAPPINESS CLEAN OUT OF ME SOMETIMES.  Today is one of those times.  Get off my back.  

You know, last night I met the man of my dreams.  Know how I know?  I dreamt him up.  I don’t know his name, I’ve never seen him before, but last night in my dreams there he was. Perfect.  Everything I wanted in a man.  Handsome as the devil, well adjusted, gainfully employed, self confident without being cocky, loved me more than life itself, loved my children, wanted nothing more than to make me smile and to love me as much as I loved him.  And I loved him.  God did I love him.  But, what was not to love? I made him up.  I will never find him when I’m awake (he doesn’t exist) and I’ll probably never see him again in my dreams either.  But I can say I found the man of my dreams once upon a time.  

So tonight is all about forgetting.  Forgetting that I am alone.  Forgetting that in order for me to find love I have to dream him up.  Forgetting that aside from my family, nobody wants me.  Forgetting that a year ago I had a wonderful person in my life, and now that person is gone and the emptiness they left behind is sometimes more than I can handle.  Tonight, for just 1 night, I want to wallow is self pity and sorrow.  Tomorrow I will pick myself up by my boot straps and face another day and who knows, maybe once I get this crap out of my system I’ll remember everything I learned in therapy and I’ll believe it all again and I’ll know I’m in a better place.  After all, tomorrow is another day  

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