Wednesday, October 12, 2005

In his own time

Quickie: You want to connect, but they've put up a wall. Wait for them to take it down.

That is my ‘Yahoo’ quickie horoscope for the day.  Kind of fitting actually.

I mentioned a few posts ago that I finally got to talk to the young Knucklehead.  We have this kind of ebb and flow kind of relationship.  It’s never been really serious, it’s always been fun.  There will be months when we will talk on the phone every day, sometimes multiple times a day and see each other every week, sometimes several days in a row.  Then just as often, we will go months without talking at all, or seeing each other.  Nothing changes in our feelings, life just takes over and we ‘drift’ with the understanding that when life allows we will get back in contact with each other.  

It’s not the kind of relationship that conforms to society’s definition of ‘acceptable’ or ‘traditional’ but it works for us.  

So, shortly after my private birthday celebration (when I spent some time in the hospital, having a breakdown) we drifted apart.  Part of it was the normal ebb and flow of our friendship, part of it was my emotional state was kind of taking over both of us.  
I got help, I got healthy, or at least I am getting healthy.  I have grown, I’ve learned, I’ve healed some of the hurt from my past, I’ve let go of a lot of unnecessary baggage that I insisted on carrying around with me.  While I completely respected his ‘drifting’ as it were, I wanted to be sure that the distance between us was because of that, and not because of my mental health.  I wanted to let him know that I was better.  I am doing better.  While I can not promise there will never be another depressed episode, I can promise that I am better equipped with knowledge and tools to help me deal with it should it ever become an issue again.

So, after finally finding a way to get that message to him, I find us almost starting over, at square one.  There is no way we can deny our history.  There is no way we can pretend we haven’t cared a great deal about each other in the past.  I understand his apprehension, and I have some of my own.  After all this a relationship that started in the darkness of my life, can it survive in the light?  

Hence, the horoscope.  You want to connect, but they’ve put a wall. Wait for them to take it down.  I know that I am mentally better and healthier than I used to be.  I want to reconnect with the knucklehead and see where this relationship leads us.  He’s apprehensive and has built walls to protect himself (only natural, completely understandable) so I have to wait for him to take them down, for him to let me in, for him to learn he can trust me.  I need to wait for him to realize that I’m not going to breakdown on him again.  Patience has never been one of my stronger characteristics.  Nobody has ever accused me of being patient.  

I believe he is worth waiting for.  I believe we are worth waiting for.  I believe we can be good together and I know that rushing into something can only destroy what we have, and waiting and letting it grow at it’s own pace is for the best.

You want to connect, but they've put up a wall. Wait for them to take it down.
I just have to trust that he will take it down, brick by brick in his own time.  

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