Tuesday, October 4, 2005

My truths

During one of my last therapy sessions my therapist asked me

‘So, What are your truths now?’

I have to admit to a moment of stupidity, as I wasn’t exactly sure what she was asking and therefore wasn’t exactly sure of the answer.  Since then I’ve figured it out. (Thanks sis)

So, some of my truths include the following:

I trust too easily.  Some people are by nature suspicious of other people and trust must be earned.  With me, I always trust first and wait for them to betray that trust.  I always believe the best of people and question the worst.  It has caused me to get hurt several times in my life, but I still want to believe in the best in people and believe they are all trust worthy until they prove to me otherwise.

I appear braver on the outside than I feel on the inside.  I have learned you can go anywhere and do anything and get away with almost anything if you look like you belong and act like you know what you’re doing.  I look confident, I look like I know where I’m going, I act like I know what I’m doing, I put on an air of confidence, but inside I’m still an insecure chicken-shit, scare to death I’m going to get found out.  

I am a survivor.  I have survived two bad marriages.  I made bad choices based on my perception of my reality while I was growing up.  But after the 2nd marriage ended, I made up my mind to never go through that again.  I decided I would change the cycle in my life.  

I find it very hard to criticize people, or assign blame to them, even if it is justly deserved.  I hate to lay blame on other people, even if they are to blame.  It stems from being criticized so often growing up, I will go out of my way to avoid blaming and criticizing other people.  I am working on this though.

I am a recovering anorexic.  I believe that anorexia is much like alcoholism in that a person is never really ‘cured’ of the disease, but every day is a choice.  Every day I make the choice, is anorexia going to control my life today or am I?  I know that it only takes one slip and I am falling back down that dangerous path to self destruction.  As awful as the disease is, it is still familiar and comfortable and that makes it twice as dangerous.  So, while I will never be ‘cured’ and free of the disease, I can and do choose to take control of my own life.

I am co-dependent.  I love to be needed.  I used to find myself guessing and trying to determine what my friends needed almost before they knew they needed or wanted it and then I’d make sure I had it or could get it.  I am not nearly as guilty of this as I used to be.  Through therapy I have learned that I have to get something out of the relationship too.  I deserve to get something out of the relationship too.

I am still a work in progress.  I am always learning and changing things about myself, both inside and outside.  I am constantly growing.  I am not yet who I’m going to be but I am no longer who I once was.  

I am proud of the progress I have made.  I am proud of how far I have come.  I can look back at my life, and while I am not exactly proud of some of the things I have done in my life, I don’t regret them because those experiences have made me who I am today.

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