My truths
During one of my last therapy sessions my therapist asked me
‘So, What are your truths now?’
I have to admit to a moment of stupidity, as I wasn’t exactly sure what she was asking and therefore wasn’t exactly sure of the answer. Since then I’ve figured it out. (Thanks sis)
So, some of my truths include the following:
I trust too easily. Some people are by nature suspicious of other people and trust must be earned. With me, I always trust first and wait for them to betray that trust. I always believe the best of people and question the worst. It has caused me to get hurt several times in my life, but I still want to believe in the best in people and believe they are all trust worthy until they prove to me otherwise.
I appear braver on the outside than I feel on the inside. I have learned you can go anywhere and do anything and get away with almost anything if you look like you belong and act like you know what you’re doing. I look confident, I look like I know where I’m going, I act like I know what I’m doing, I put on an air of confidence, but inside I’m still an insecure chicken-shit, scare to death I’m going to get found out.
I am a survivor. I have survived two bad marriages. I made bad choices based on my perception of my reality while I was growing up. But after the 2nd marriage ended, I made up my mind to never go through that again. I decided I would change the cycle in my life.
I find it very hard to criticize people, or assign blame to them, even if it is justly deserved. I hate to lay blame on other people, even if they are to blame. It stems from being criticized so often growing up, I will go out of my way to avoid blaming and criticizing other people. I am working on this though.
I am a recovering anorexic. I believe that anorexia is much like alcoholism in that a person is never really ‘cured’ of the disease, but every day is a choice. Every day I make the choice, is anorexia going to control my life today or am I? I know that it only takes one slip and I am falling back down that dangerous path to self destruction. As awful as the disease is, it is still familiar and comfortable and that makes it twice as dangerous. So, while I will never be ‘cured’ and free of the disease, I can and do choose to take control of my own life.
I am co-dependent. I love to be needed. I used to find myself guessing and trying to determine what my friends needed almost before they knew they needed or wanted it and then I’d make sure I had it or could get it. I am not nearly as guilty of this as I used to be. Through therapy I have learned that I have to get something out of the relationship too. I deserve to get something out of the relationship too.
I am still a work in progress. I am always learning and changing things about myself, both inside and outside. I am constantly growing. I am not yet who I’m going to be but I am no longer who I once was.
I am proud of the progress I have made. I am proud of how far I have come. I can look back at my life, and while I am not exactly proud of some of the things I have done in my life, I don’t regret them because those experiences have made me who I am today.
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