Thursday, October 27, 2005

The Knucklehead turned out to be me

Isn’t it funny, the knucklehead turned out to be me? My knuckleheads saw the truth, saw through the bullshit, and I didn’t. I was totally and completely submersed in denial. (And I ain’t talkin’ about the river in Egypt).

Listen, can you hear it? The ‘I told you so.’ I know it will never be said to me directly, but I can hear it.

Queen B wrote:

Some people never get it and they probably never will. Past behavior is the best indicator for future behavior. I'm not surprised - but it's annoying as all hell. I read in a schmaltzy Annie's Mailbox clipping the other day the following (about an unrelated topic): "You cannot expect them to remain an unending well of comfort." . I hope like hell I'm not the only one who read that - I know of a couple of others who really need to read it and understand it. There are folks out there who will just bleed you dry - just to prove to themselves that someone cares. I'm bone dry, folks, thanks so much. Your life is falling apart? I don't care - I cannot care anymore. You continue to make the same childish, selfish, ignorant, immature, asinine choices that continue to drop you on your ass in the same horrible places. It must be working for you, you must be getting something out of it, or else you would stop doing the same damned thing. I've given you folks everything I can give you - you're on your own.

It really pissed me off that she was preaching again. At least that’s what I wanted to believe was the reason I was pissed off. Truth is, I was pissed off because she saw beyond the bullshit and saw right into the truth of me, and called me on it. Yes, she could have been nicer, more respectful about the way she said it, but that’s never been a strong suit with her. She likes to ‘tell it like it is’ and respect be damned.

This isn’t about her, it’s not about the knuckleheads, it’s about me. I keep seeing scenes from ’28 days’ running through my head, but instead of Sandra Bullock, it’s me, it’s my life now. Several members of my family are co-dependent, and therefore, think that I am too. I’m not the co-dependent one, I’m the dependent one. I’m the one bleeding them dry, I’m the one sucking the life out of them. They need to be needed, I need to need them. The problem is, they chose not to live the co-dependent life any more, leaving me no one to feed off of. The day I decided to write Queen B out of my life was probably the best day of her life, and instead of getting mad, or being hurt like I wanted her to, she probably felt a great deal of relief.

The knuckleheads won’t even begin to allow me to feed off them. They have enough issues of their own that take up a lot of their time, life, and energy. They have nothing extra to spare for me.

The headache, the rolling stomach, the aftermath of a couple of drinks, and the conversations that transpired last night during the drinking, was enough to someone open my eyes, make me see what they all could plainly see, and made me realize the only person I’ve been fooling has been myself. I have been humbled, and I don’t like it here, it’s uncomfortable. The ugly truth can really make a person squirm, especially when they’ve been running from it.

I spent 10 years in an abusive relationship, not because I enjoyed it, but because I got attention and my identity from the abuse. I was the victim, he was the asshole. I thought it worked for me, until people got tired of hearing me bitch about how bad my life was, and saw that I was doing nothing to change it. If your hand burns when you put it in a fire, you don’t continue to put your hand in the fire. Except that is exactly what I was doing. I was staying, because I was feeding off of people feeling sorry for me, sharing my anger at my husband for his behavior.

My father shared this bit of wisdom with my sister, and she shared it once with me.

The Theory of Quantum Physics states that the world, the universe, is expanding. Slowly, bit by bit, year by year, each planet, each star, each mass out there in space is drifting further and further apart from each other. It will eventually be so far apart, that it will shatter all former limitations and groupings and arrangements. The universe is destroying itself. The universe is falling apart."
The reason the universe is falling apart is so that it may come back together in a higher order. Things have to be deconstructed before they can be reconstructed. Things have to fall apart and get worse before they can get better. So, when you feel like your life is falling apart, it's because it really and truly is. But it's falling apart so that it might come back together in a higher order."

When she shared this with me, my reaction was “Of course it will get better, once all this BS in my life stops that’s better than the hell I’m in right now.” God I was an ignorant smart ass. My life has been falling apart, and I’ve been allowing it. I’ve done nothing to prevent it, stop it, or even slow it down. I’ve allowed it fall apart, probably egged it on a few times, and then sat back and sucked the life out of people around me, expecting them to bail me out.

So, I know I can’t control the universe, it’s going to continue to fall apart so that it can come back together in a higher order. My life, I can control. I don’t have to let it continue to fall apart, it’s time to start getting it to come together. I have been brought down from the mountain of bullshit on which I sat. I have been humbled by the truth. The view down here is not pretty, in fact it’s the bare ass naked ugly truth. I can change that. Now it’s time for me to do some ‘damage control’ as Queen B said. It’s time to take stock, take responsibility, take action.

God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change;

COURAGE to change the things I can;
and WISDOM to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it:
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen

No comments: