Thursday, December 8, 2005

Bouncing...A lot liike crashing

I shouldn’t have been surprised, I had a gut feeling it was coming, and it didn’t take a brain surgeon to figure it out.  The walls were up, he was keeping his distance, and he kept finding excuses to not come over.

He promised on Sunday he’d be over to see the new place.  He called Sunday night to say he was too tired to come over, definitely Monday.  Monday came around and he called ‘T’s in town thought I’d hang out with him tonight.  I’ll call you tomorrow’.   Don’t insult my intelligence.  T lives in town, he’s always in town, and you can see him any night you want to.  Just be honest with me, tell me the truth, I already suspect it, just admit it already.

Finally I just asked him last night, point blank, after being blown off Sunday and Monday, and completely ignored on Tuesday.  “So, is there somebody else?”  Einstein’s answer?  ‘Well, this time I’m not going to lie to you, yes, there is.’  Well, thank you so very fucking much for that consideration.  This time you’re not going to lie to me?  Christ!

I don’t know what pisses me off more, the fact that he strung me along, and lied to me (and the kids), or that I was so desperate to hold on to him, that I completely ignored all the signs that were telling me what I already knew.  I could lie to myself and say ‘As long as he doesn’t say it’s over, it’s not over.  As long as he doesn’t admit it, it can’t be true.’  Kind of like the ostrich with my head in the sand. It’s a toss up, does the rejection hurt more than the embarrassment I feel for having played along for so long, when I knew in my gut, it was over.

If it didn’t hurt, it would mean I didn’t care, and I did care.  Maybe too much, probably for too long, definitely more than he did.  I have legions of people lined up ready to tell me how I was too good for him, how he didn’t deserve me,  how I deserve better and he’s not worth my tears.  Yada yada yada, blah, blah, blah.  It’s not like I can flip a switch and just poof not care any more, not feel anything.

Time for another Goodbye in my life.  Another Goodbye at Christmas no less.  I seem to be doing that on a regular basis (this will be year #3 in a row). Gonna bounce out of this one too.  Get as low as I can go for a day and then back at it, back to life, back to accepting.  Bouncing. It's like crashing except you get to do it over and over again.

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