Getting through

So many songs we have listened to, sung to, in his car, where he reaches for my hand, gives it a squeeze, smiles at me. Now, to hear them, settles the weight on my heart again, making it harder to breathe. I cling so tightly to every little thing I have that is his, that brings him closer to me, that reminds me of him, that brings back memories of happy times. Hoping, praying, believing we will some how make it through this, but knowing right now, we are not ok, we are not solid, we are not fine. I am still standing on the edge with the solid ground I stood on crumbling away from under me. Will it stop before I fall? It will stop before I am lost?

Tears are always just under the surface, and I fight all day to keep them at bay. Some times it is so easy to do, and at other times, they fall unbridled. I am so, so incredibly sorry. I know that I screwed up, I know that I made a huge terrible mistake. There is no way he can possibly hate what I did more than I do. I know that this is squarely in his hands now, it is up to him, our future, our life is literally in his hands right now.

Every day is a struggle. Some things are easy to breeze through, other things feel insurmountable. Some times out of the blue I break down and cry, but only for a short while. My mind seems to be obsessed with thoughts of him, always wondering what he's doing, does he think of me, and miss me as much as I miss him? Everything I do is full of thoughts of him. It makes it hard to get through a day, but I don't know how to stop the constant thoughts of him.

I am hopeful, after last night, I am hopeful. Every day we talk, every day he doesn't leave, every day he doesn't end it all, is a good day and gives me more hope. There is hope. For whatever reason, I believe in us, and I know that we are worth fighting for. I hope, think, he believes that too.