Saturday, October 28, 2006

Standing on the precipice.

I cling desperately to the fact that he hasn't said 'We're through' yet. But it's teetering on the precipice. The past 24 hours has proved that.

He didn't call on his way home yesterday, but I guess I didn't really expect him to. He did say he would call me sometime last night. I talked to him on our way to school for the Fall Festival that Tate had to work at. He said he would call me later that night. He has always called when he said he would. I had to trust him.

He didn't call.

He wouldn't answer his phone.

Finally he called, at 9:15 this morning. Another 'We need to talk' phone conversation. I knew what was coming. He said, "We need to talk, but not with your kids around." Oh, no, let's do it now. 'It's over, isn't it?'

I'm having a hard time getting past this.

I understand that. I am sorry. It won't happen again. I can promise you that.

It's going to take time. I'm trying really hard to not just throw it all away but I'm having a hard time.

I made a mistake, people make mistakes. I am asking for a chance to prove to you, to earn your trust again. I know I messed up, I know it's huge. I'm sorry.

I just need some time to get through this. Can you give me that time?

I'll do whatever it takes to prove to you.

So, now, he needs time. Fine I'll do what I can, and suffer alone, and give him the time he needs. It will drive me insane, always wondering, never really knowing, but for now, time is all I have. At least right now, we're still together, but barely. It hasn't been called off just yet, but he needs time. Now, more than ever, I have to trust him. I have to prove to him that I can trust him and he can trust me. I have to give him the space he needs, and trust that there isn't someone else, that he's not running, he's just breathing, just thinking.

I pray he's remembering too. I pray that somewhere in all of this hurt and confusion and pain and anger, he can remember the love and the laughter and our hopes and dreams. I hope that in all of this, the greatest is love. Love right now, is what is keeping me from being kicked to the curb. And believe me, I'm teetering on the precipice about to fall into great abyss.

I know that if we don't make it through this, I will never love any one else again. Batman was it for me. He is my soulmate, he is the love of my life. Yes, I screwed it up. I learned my lesson, the hard way. I swear it will never happen again. I hold on desperately to the fact that he's trying really hard to not walk away, to work through this. That tells me there is love there, and it's not gone. Please, let love grow. Let the love come through, let the love win out. Let him know I'm sorry, and I swear it will never happen again. Let him find a way back to love, and find a way to give me a chance to prove to him.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

After reading your blogs for some time now, I really don't feel sorry for you & the decisions that you've eluded to & the words that you've chosen to post on your blog. All the hatred that you have in your heart & the words that you have written over the past several months, I don't think your so called best friend Anorexia can save you now (that is, if you truly are anorexic). Then you immediately turn around & praise your children, praising yourself as a good mom. You talk about carma as if it's a good thing. It's a double edge sword my dear. So, don't be surpised who's on the other end of that sword someday swinging it at you.