Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I don't know how

I have all of our yahoo conversations.  I have most of the text messages.  I still have the ‘Bat phone’.  I have his sweatshirt.  I have a pair of lounging pants.  I have pictures, tons of pictures, both on my computer and in my heart.  I have hope. And dreams, and wishes made on stars.  I have memories of what has been.  I have my Kasey Kahne hat, I have my Cardinal shirts.  I even have new hair that I love.  I have questions. I have doubts. I have suspicions.  I have fears. I have insecurities.   What I don’t have is answers.

We still talk. He tells me he still loves me. He says his feelings for me haven’t changed at all. He just needs a break from the drama.  He needs some down time.  He says he needs to ‘decompress’ and ‘get right’ with himself.  I don’t know what that means exactly, but for now it means I don’t get to see him, no matter how much I want to.  I know that means I have to let this go, and understand that I am not in control here.  I have to accept what he decides he needs.

I don’t know how to be here on the weekends. I don’t know how to wake up without a hot cup of fresh coffee in bed with my hot man. I don’t know how to spend a weekend at home, knowing he’s spending the weekend at his son’s last race of the season.  I don’t know how to be away from him, from his kids, from his family, his home, all of which have become mine too in the past 3 months. I don’t know how, but I do know, I will find the way.  


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