Saturday, October 7, 2006

The Plan has been made

I will spare you all the boring details. They just reiterate the same point I've made time and time again here. And that is that C2 is a control freak, and an asshole. He just doesn't understand that the same divorce decree that granted him the freedom to live his life without interference from me, granted me the same freedom.

Needless to say, he has made my life hell, yet again. Yet again? It's closer to STILL. As my sister says, the universe needs to fall apart in order to come back together again, better than ever. My corner of the universe has fallen apart, fallen down around me. And it has forced me to admit that if I don't stand up, take control of my life yet again, and fight for my life, I won't have a life to fight for. If I don't claim my life again, I will lose it.

I know that another breakdown is inevitable unless I put a stop to him and get him out of my life. For the first time in 2 years, my best friend/worst enemy is coming back around. Anorexia is shadowing me, whispering sweet promises of control in my ear, and I'm listening, and I can feel the draw, the desire pulling me in. The sweet comfort of the familar, the ultimate control when nothing else seems to be controlable. I used to believe that I could never go back there, but I was wrong. Even though I know that to fall under her spell would disappoint many important people in my life, I am still drawn to her promises, seduced by the control she promises to give. It's very heady and seductive and hard to resist. And she is here because of him.

So, in the past 72 hours I have finally seen the truth, and that is, that he has not figured out how to let go. People tell me "He thinks he can still control you." The truth is, he thinks it because it's true. He set up the hoops he wanted me to jump through and then set the game in motion and got me to jump. He is a sick, twisted, puppet master and I am apparently his puppet. The problem with that is, he will control me to death. He's almost done it before, and he will not stop until he suceeds. Unless I can find a way to stop him.

So after much thought, much talking, much drama, and many many phone calls, a plan has been hatched and will now be put in motion. Out of fear of someone finding this by accident and reporting back to him, I will not go into details about what is coming down the line. I can say that it will be ugly, it will be difficult, and in the end it will be worth it all. I am litterally taking a walk of faith, stepping out into the unknown, throwing all caution to the wind, letting go of everything, in order to gain so much more. Starting with my life, and my happiness.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and all I can do is take a single step, followed by another, and another, until I get my life and my happiness back. If I don't I won't have a life left to live. Much to my surprise and delight, I have the support of my mother, Batman, and my friends. I know that I will have MANY difficult decisions ahead of me, I will have to give up a LOT, but I know in the end I will gain so much more.

Wish me luck.

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