Saturday, October 28, 2006

Holding on to hope until there is absolutely none

I sat the kids down today and explained as simply as I could what was going on. They have a right to know what is going on, but they don’t need the details. I just explained that I did something that I shouldn’t have done, and B got mad about it. I know what I did was wrong, and then I made it worse and lied about it. I know that was wrong too, I know it was stupid, and I have told him I am sorry. He needs some time to think about things and decide what he wants to do about it. I told them, as of right now, B and I did not break up. He’s trying very hard to get past all of this so we don’t break up. He just needs some time to think. I told them, I think he loves me enough that he’s working hard to find it in his heart to forgive me, and give me another chance. He loves me enough that he’s not walking away right off the bat. He’s at least willing to try to work this out. The ultimate irony is, now that Batman and I are having trouble and our future is in doubt, my kids finally pipe up and declare, "We don’t want you and B to break up. We love him. We hoped you guys would get married."

It’s hard letting him be, giving him space. But I know that the longer I can leave him alone, and the less I bother him, the further that goes to prove to him that I can be trusted, and I will keep my word. I know that right now, it’s small steps, but small are better than none. He did tell me he would call me today sometime, and I am purposely working myself half to death so that I don’t pick up the phone and call him.

I have to hold on to hope that he believes in us too. I have to hope that love will be strong enough to convince him to give me a second chance. It seems apparent right now, anyway, that love has kept him from walking away, chucking it all straight out. It’s kept him here, and kept him trying to work around this. I have to cling to hope until there is absolutely none. He has said he doesn’t want this to end, he doesn’t want to walk away, but he’s having a hard time with this. And believe me, I can understand that. He actually said to me today, "If you want this to work at all, then you have to give me some time and space to get past this." That tells me right there, that he’s willing, he wants this to work too, and he’s telling me what he needs to do that. There is hope in that.

So, I surround it, claim it, and offer it up to whatever higher power is out there controlling my life. It truly is out of my hands, and that kills me, but I know that the best thing I can do is trust him, and let him work this out in his own way, in his own time. I have spent today on my knees alternately bawling like a baby, hopeless, empty, desperate, and praying to whomever is out there listening, please, please, please, let him listen to his heart and the love that I know is still there. Please let him know that I love him and I am sorry, and I swear it will never happen again. Please let our love be strong enough to weather this storm and pull us through.

I am not so naïve to think that we could come through this unchanged. We will be profoundly changed. The trust that is earned now will be greater, and stronger and surer, if we get to that point. I know that this is out of my hands now, all I can do is pray, hope, wait and see. I love him, I love him more than I’ve loved anyone before. I knew from the beginning this was the man I was born to love. Don’t ask me why I did something as stupid as this, I don’t have answers. I do, they are lame. I screwed up, bigger than sh*t, I screwed up. Now, I have to be adult about it and accept whatever repercussions there are to my actions. I hope beyond words, pray without ceasing that there is enough love there, and he loves me enough to not want to throw us away. Right now, he does. Let that love continue to grow and let him find a way to at least talk more, and work this out.

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