The rest of the story

As some of you know, I have made some life altering decisions in the past month, and set forth on a course of action that will lead to those changes, if all goes well. What I was unprepared for was some of the fall out that has come about.

I’m just going to lay it all out here, after this week; it will be common knowledge anyway. The papers will be drafted and filed and served requesting sole custody of the girls for me. For reasons that are too numerous to go into here, I feel this is in their best interest.

I was under the impression that Bo’s father and I could work something out in regards to Bo, even if that meant I left him here to live with his father. Apparently I was very wrong. I was served papers last night, where he is seeking sole custody of Bo and literally stripping me of every single right I have as Bo’s mother, save the right to pay child support. The demands listed in his complaint and filing are so utterly ridiculous and completely over the top I can’t even begin to comprehend them. They are just so unbelievable.

And as if that is not bad enough, B calls this morning, as he always does, and tells me ‘We need to talk’ and well, everyone knows that’s not good. He promised me before I even started this whole mess, that he would be there to support me, but apparently it’s just too much drama and stress for him. He needs space, he needs time to clear his head. Right now, he says just this week, he doesn’t want me to come see him Wednesday or this weekend. He tells me that he still loves me, that he’s not bailing, that he’s not leaving, he’s not breaking up with me. He assures me that his feelings haven’t changed, but he just needs some space and some breathing room.

I’m trying hard to understand, and I’m trying even harder to not jump to conclusions and not panic, but I am also building the walls around my heart, preparing for the heartache I am sure is coming in a week. It is what it is, nothing more, nothing less, and it’s out of my hands right now. I do know this, I will never love anyone else. If I can’t be with him, I won’t be with anyone else. If he walks away, then I am done too. I will never love again. I will resign myself to being single for the rest of my days.

So I am standing the precipice of the unknown and I feel like the sky is falling in around me, and the solid ground I stood on just a couple of days ago has started to crumble away from under me. Standing beside me, offering me promises of comfort and control is my best friend/worse enemy, anorexia. This time, I am reaching out and embracing her, knowing what that decision will do, but not really caring much. She promises control, and she promises me comfort that I know so well. There is strength in the willpower she demands of me, and this is the one area I can be strong beyond my wildest dreams.