Sunday, October 15, 2006

My first Brick wall, but I can climb over, with time

I ran into my first brickwall in my plan. Oh, it's not surmountable, and it's not impossible to get past, it's just bigger than I had hoped it would be. I knew when I put all of this in motion that it would not be easy, but it is necessary. I also know that for all the love and support I have behind me, there are also those close to me that will strongly disagree with what I am doing. They are entitled to their opinions, but until you've lived a year in the hell I've been in for 2 years, your opinion is not based on all the facts.

I know now that I have no promise that this will work out the way I hope and pray that it will. I know now that what I have embarked on is truly a leap of faith, stepping out on a cloud with nothing but hopes and prayers the truth to support me. I wonder sometimes if all of that is enough. I know that it has to be.

I was foolish to think that this would be an easy thing to accomplish, because really, when has anything been easy in the past? I am about to piss off the devil himself, my biggest nastiest most evil enemy. If I thought my life was hell before, I know that I was wrong. I know that I am standing at the gates of hell, and am about to step through those gates and go through something that will be worse than the 7 rings of Dante's Inferno. But I know that the only way to the end of this mess is through it.

My mother continues to tell me, remember in the dark what you've learned in the light. It is so easy to react from the gut when provoked, but reactions make a bad situation worse, and I never come out ahead. So, instead of reacting I have to remember to take the high road, don't react. It's hard to fight with someone who refuses to fight back, and taunting someone loses it's joy when the taunts don't effect them. That is my goal. With grace, and calm and dignity and poise take all the wind out of his sails, deflate and emasulate him. Stand and deflect all that he throws at me, until he litterally wears himself out and exhausts all he has, and then strike the single but fatal blow that it will take to defeat him. For this I need nerves of steel and patience of a saint. Neither of which I have, but I will learn to fake both.

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