Friday, October 27, 2006

I screwed up, will love be enough to find forgiveness?

I did something terribly stupid this weekend, and then I did something worse, compounding it. That made the situation a lot worse than it had to be. What I did doesn’t really matter, it’s between me and B. Suffice it to say our biggest issue (trust) has been violated to a degree (as if degrees really matter, violated is violated.) and it’s caused some serious doubts and damage to our relationship.

Last night, when it was all coming out, and I was making a bad situation worse, I was panicked. I was scared, terrified. I couldn’t bring myself to make it right or stop the damage. I let all my fears control me, and I didn’t think. There is no excuse for what I did, this weekend or last night. There really is no explanation either. I was caught red handed, he had the proof, all I had to do was say “Yes”, but all my heart could scream was “NO”.

Finally this morning, in a voice mail no less (yes, I’m a chicken shit, but at least I could get it all out w/o interruptions) I told him, “There’s no reason to deny it any more, it doesn’t matter. There is no excuse, and I can’t really begin to tell you why, because I don’t know why really.” There was more to it than that, but really, it doesn’t matter. I admitted my part, I admitted there was no excuse, and I have apologized as much as I can.

We have talked some this morning. I have agreed to give him space and time to think this through. In the course of talking this morning, I found out more of why he felt he needed some time alone this week too. Up until this morning I felt it was all me, but come to find out it was a lot more than just me. And now that I know what I know, it’s easier to let go and leave him be.

He is my home, he is my safe harbor, he is my rock. He grounds me, he calms me, he keeps me level headed. When I react from my gut, full of emotion, he is the logic and the calm. Unfortunately, this time, I reacted from my gut, I didn’t think, I panicked, and my rock, my calm, couldn’t calm me.

This morning, after getting to work, I had a conversation with my sister. She read this blog, and sent her support and opened the door to talk. And I gladly walked through. In the course of the conversation, I admitted a dark secret to her, that I had barely admitted to myself. My coping mechanisms are coming back, my ‘bad’ coping mechanisms. There is a new ‘best friend/worst enemy’ hanging around. And true to my sister, she offered an ear, she told me her thoughts, voiced her concerns, shared her stories, kept the lecture to a bare minimum and listened. I am not ready to give up the power and the comfort and the pleasure I get from the ‘friends’ even though my mind screams to walk away from them. Right now they offer things I can’t get elsewhere. Right now they bring strength, power and sweet release. Right now they offer answers to feelings I can’t cope with.

After all of this upheaval and drama of my own creating this morning, with B and with Sis, I have found a strange and eerie sense of calm and peace. Maybe it’s finally admitting the truth to B this morning, and finally admitting how terrified I am and all of my fears about us, about him, about my future, about our future. Maybe it’s finally putting a voice and naming my secret demon, and admitting it to my sister too, I have finally found a little bit of freedom. I find that I’m not scared or panicked about him leaving. I seem to have hope and believe (rightly or wrongly) that when he calms down, and gets past the mad, and thinks, his heart will kick in and love will be enough to at least grant me a second chance. I know this is a huge mistake, and it will take a long long time for him to get past it and trust and believe me again. I’m willing to wait and do whatever it takes, even if that means going away, walking away for a while. At this point, I’ve admitted it, I’ve tried to explain, and I’ve apologized. . I can hope and pray he listens to his heart, even though it’s hurt right now, there’s still love there. He didn’t storm off, he didn’t run, he didn’t tell me to F@#K off, he didn’t bail. He’s still around, he still calls, and we still talk. He just can’t tell me he loves me. I can understand that. It’s up to him now. All I can do is wait and see what he decides

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