I got part of my Christmas

Batman and I have been exchanging emails this afternoon, talking about when we can get together, and who has kids when, and schedules (yes, I know, terribly romantic, but hey, we're both single parents, we have to juggle).

I mentioned to him, "It's a fairly sure bet I won't be getting the earrings I wanted from you for Christmas this year, huh?" (Notice, I said this year? That leaves it open to the possibility I'll get them next year. Yeah, right) So, I have something I would like from you, that won't kill you, won't break the bank and it would mean so much to me.

This past summer, we took a photography road trip. I had this need to shoot some pictures, and asked him to take me somewhere so that I could. On the road trip, he shared with me the perfect place he wanted to take me someday to shoot pictures. We never made it there. Cold weather, kids, life got in the way. So I told him, "You promised me that you would take me to St. Charles some day, so that I could take pictures. I still want to have that day with you, just wandering around, taking pictures, hanging out. I know it will have to wait till spring, and that's ok, I can wait. But I want that day with you, and I want those pictures, but I want them with you."
"Deal, I promise."
"Oh, and if you felt the need to throw in dinner, and maybe a whole night filled with some incredible.." (Well, you get the idea, I won't get graphic or gross), "then who am I to say no to that?"
"You may need to twist my arm, but I think we can arrange that."

So, I'm not getting my earrings this year for Christmas, but I am getting something that will mean a whole lot more to me. I am getting a day with him, full of memories, a day to share my passion with him (a passion that he fully understands). I'm getting pictures, a day, memories, time. I'm getting my heart and soul fed. I'm getting B. (at least for a little while)

I can't wait till Spring.

Dear Santa, part duex

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year, is a second chance with him. I promise to be very, very good.

Love,
Me

Today, I have counted out brochures into bundles of 100. I have shredded confidential, out of date papers, I have folded newsletters, stuffed envelopes, and slapped mailing labels on them.

My vast knowledge is going vastly under used.

That is all.

Christmas Slide Show

News and Tidbits

I am sorry about the silence and lack of posts today, I started a new job today, and it kept me pretty busy. (That and I wasn't even able to get on-line till almost noon!)

So, tomorrow will be a better day.

I do need to make a correction. The 2nd Annual Blog Cookie Exchange will still be held on the 13th, but as Maven pointed out to me, that is Wednesday this week and not Friday! So, I'm hoping all of you checked your calendars and realized I was having a total and complete blonde moment. I will be participating, with lots of pictures from our very own, real life cookie day at my mother's house this weekend.

I promise to make it 'round to all my friends' places this week and drop in to Say Hey to everyone. I have been pretty negligent in that area as of late, and I'm sorry.

And for those of you who chat with me on Yahoo, (and you know who you are) I don't have access to that from here, so if you email me, I'll give you some new contact information!

Holiday Pictures

These are a few of the pictures taken this weekend that WON'T be going out in the Christmas cards this year.

Sorry, this is a crappy post. There will be a better post later... I promise

More Christmas Miracles

When I went to the lawyer's office the other day to draw up the final papers for our modification, I was hit with some serious filing fees that needed to be paid. I had the money to pay them, but I had to rob Santa to do it. A sizable portion of the $$ I had set aside to provide Christmas for my kids, well, went to the lawyer. So, I was struggling with how to pay for Ho Ho's visit this year. I mean after all you can't tell a 7 year old that you had to steal from Santa in order to take her father out of her life. That just really ruins the whole holiday.

So, I had been stressing about it, a little, but not too much. I figured, so far everything has worked out for me, this would too. Even if it meant I would get the money on Christmas Eve and I would do my shopping then, at least it would be done.

Today, we went to my mother's to make Christmas cookies (yes, pictures will follow....tomorrow) and my father called. He needed to talk to the kids about what they wanted for Christmas this year, as he and his wife were on their way to go shopping. But he stopped to ask me first, "So, we were wondering, is there something special you would like for Christmas this year, or would you just like for us to send you some money to help pay for the kids Christmas presents this year? And would you like that in a check or on a gift card?" All I could do was cry. There it was, the answer to my prayers, the solution to my problem.

And there, my friends, is yet another miracle for me this year. Apparently, the faith the size of a mustard seed is still enough to move mountains. I, of course, jumped on the gift card so that I could shop for my babies, and there will be presents under the tree this year for them.

We interrupt this blog for the following announcement

The kids will be home this weekend, and we will be making Christmas cookies, and Christmas cards and doing all that fun stuff we do on our weekends together (laundry, library, cleaning our rooms, homework, fighting, you know, the usual) so the blog posts will be sparce this weekend. I have left several new posts in the past few days for your reading enjoyment.

Please feel free to leave comments, send emails, say Hello, enjoy the celebration. I will check in periodically this weekend, and post pictures of the cookie adventure. I'll be around, just not all day, every day.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging.

The Art of Seduction

In a IM conversation with a friend of mine yesterday about my relationship with B, he suggested I read The Art of Seduction. So, I went to a bookstore here in town, to see if they had a copy.

OMG! The back cover alone lists the following steps to take in the art of seduction.

• Choose the right victim
• Create a false sense of security-approach indirectly
• Send mixed signals
• Appear to be an object of desire
• Create a need – stir anxiety and discontent
• Master the art of insinuation
• Enter their spirit
• Create temptation
• Keep them in suspense
• Use the demonic power of words to sow confusion
• Pay attention to detail
• Poeticize your presence
• Disarm through strategic weakness and vulnerability
• Confuse desire and reality, create the perfect illusion
• Isolate the victim
• Prove yourself
• Effect a regression
• Stir up the transgressive and taboo
• Use spiritual lures
• Mix pleasure with pain
• Give them space to fall – the pursuer is pursued
• Use physical lures
• Master the art of the Bold Move
• Beware the after-effects

I don't want a victim, I don't want B back under false pretenses or lies, or games, or strategic weakness or illusions (perfect or not). I want B back, because we both realize we love each other and want to try again. This just sounds cruel, and deceitful, and wrong.

Christmas Wishes

This summer, B and I were watching tennis. We were watching Maria Sharapova play, and I, of course being the girl that I am, noticed her earrings. Threader earrings with either diamonds or pearls at the end. I fell in love. So, of course, I mentioned to B, I would love a pair of them. "Well, maybe if you're good, Santa will bring them this Christmas."

That afternoon, we went to his favorite jewlry store on-line, and I found a pair I loved. (yes, see above) I bookmarked them, I showed him, I told him they were even on sale.

Yeah, I don't think I'll be getting them for Christmas this year. But a girl can dream.....

The Details

Ok, it has been a whirlwind of emotions. I have exactly what it is that I wanted in regards to the girls. And it happened without the fight I expected. Wow. Who can really wrap their heads around that?

We met, wrote up the agreed upon parenting plan, and he signed off on it. My attorney will file the papers with the court on Monday; we will get a court date. We will have to appear before a judge and testify that we agree to everything set forth in the parenting plan.

So, what did we agree to?

• The parties agree that mother shall be allowed to relocate the residence of the minor children to Lincoln County after the end of the 2006-2007 school year.


• Mother shall have sole legal custody of the minor children. Mother will make all decisions regarding the children with the exception that mother shall include father in the decision making authority with respect to any life threatening issues that may arise regarding the children.


• Mother and father will have joint physical custody of the minor children. Mother’s residence address will be the designated children’s address for mailing and educational purposes. The children will reside with the mother, with temporary custody/visitation with father as follows: Every other weekend beginning at 7:00 PM on Friday, through 7:00 PM on Sunday.

There are of course the normal provisions for child support, and tax exemption deduction yada, yada, yada. But none of that has changed significantly. The above points were the big ones, and the ones that I wanted more than anything.

It’s done, almost. The end is in sight. He’s agreed, and the papers will be filed. The girls will be mine.

So, what at first seemed so daunting and impossible and overwhelming boiled down to 2 hours in my lawyer’s office today. B once asked me, “Every time you’ve been to court with him, have you not gotten exactly what you wanted?” Every time I’ve been to court with him, I have walked out of there with exactly what I wanted. This was to be no different. I just didn’t believe it would be this simple. Although I really shouldn’t be at all surprised. Once the plan was made, every single step I took seemed to fall effortlessly into place. Everything worked out, every thing lined up; every thing fell into place just as it should.

I know, as well as I know B is my soul mate, this was the right thing to do, it was meant to be. Every obstacle I saw looming on the horizon seemed to virtually vanish when I came face to face with it.

• I got the restraining order, hands down, no problem


• I needed $$ to hire an attorney, and fast.


• Mom and dad gifted the van over to me, and I used it as collateral on a loan from the bank.


• Needed a lawyer, but every lawyer I talked to said it was highly unlikely we would win, and they wanted a huge retainer.


• Until I found this attorney. Her retainer was virtually half of everyone else’s and she offered hope that we could win this battle, but it would be hard. The good news was, she was willing to fight. She believed in what I was doing.


• My lease on my apartment ran out. Time to renew, but we had no idea how long this battle would take and how long I would be here, if I could even move.


• I was given the option to sign a month to month lease, so every month; we renew it for another month. That way, when it comes time to move, I’m out, free and clear.

Every step I needed to take on this journey, a higher power cleared the path. And now, what loomed before me a marathon, turned out to be short sprint to the finish line. My biggest fear, my biggest concern, is over. There is great relief.

Now, on to the next plan. And that my friends, is, in the next 6 months, I have to find a job that will support us all, and I have to find an apartment I can afford on the salary I’ll be making at the new job I’ll be getting. Then I need to start packing up, and planning on moving. But believe me, I’ve moved often enough in my life, this is the easy part of the plan.

Now, I need to figure out Christmas (I had to spend a big portion of the kids Christmas funds on filing fees I didn’t know about….) but somehow that seems manageable. Look what I’ve been through in the past month, and it worked out just fine in the end.

The Party will be here tomorrow.

I got everything I wanted today! I am going to go home and enjoy the sweet taste of victory. I will be here tomorrow to carry on with the party.

So, somebody get some damn margarittas, and some chips and salsa and let's party!

It is finished, and I am free

We sat down today, in my attorney's office, and drew up a new joint parenting plan. We sat there today, on the battle field, and shook hands and came to an agreement. The dragon that had loomed so large and forboding on the horizon of my life for so long, stood before me today, with an olive branch of peace, wanting to find a resolution.

We drew up the new parenting plan today, granting me full legal custody of the girls. I will now be allowed to make all decisions in regards to them, without having to run anything by him at all. I will be allowed to relocate at the end of the school year, and enroll them in school, daycare, and any other activities they so desire.

He gracefully bowed out of their lives and mine. Not completely, but in all things that matter. He has relinquished all responsibility for the girls. They are now mine. He has visitation and he still pays child support, but we are free now to live our lives where I want to. He no longer has power over me.

10 years, 2 children, numerous second chances, 5 restraining orders, and it all boils down to 2 hours in my lawyer's office. I was given everything I wanted today. I was given my life back. I am free now. Free of him.

There will never be anther phone call telling me to get my ass home because I don't need to be where ever it is I am. There will never again, be a fight because the girls want to join Girl Scouts or choir. There will never again, be any dispute about the girls. Because today, they are mine.

I am free now. I have finally freed myself from the tenticles of my past. He no longer has power or control over my life. There will be no more drama, no more threats, no more anything. I am free.

B knows. I called him, I told him. He said "It's over. Not the way we envisioned it, but better. It's over. I'm really proud of you for doing this. I'm glad you did this, and saw it through, and got what you wanted."

I got what I wanted, in part. Now that I have my life back and I have my girls, all I want now, is another chance with B. And if this miracle can happen, then there is hope for that one too.

A Letter to The Slug

I gave you 10 years of my life, 2 daughters and more second chances than any one person deserves.  I gave up my friends, I gave up my self worth, my self esteem, I gave away my power to you.  None of it mattered. It was never enough.  In return, you gave me insecurities, demons that still haunt me, and a life that is too messy for anyone else to get involved with.

You have taken from me, my happiness, my sense of security, you have effected life in ways too numerous to count.  You have taken my one chance of happiness and true love away from me.  Because you felt the need to prove to me and to him, that you could still call the shot, you could still make me jump, and you still controlled me, we are here today.

You made my life miserable for so long, that I no longer realized you were doing it.  I became so accustomed to your power and control and influence in my life, I no longer saw how devastating it was. When Batman finally pointed it out to me, and I finally saw my life, and your power, through his eyes, I knew things had to change.

Batman, (or anyone for that matter) wouldn’t, no, couldn’t be a part of my life with you still influencing it too.  You caused too much drama and stress and it was more than anyone should have to contend with.  

You’re need to always be right and always be in control, in effect destroyed my chance at happiness and cost me the love of my life. I am praying to whoever is out there listening to day, that when you sign the papers today, and in effect give me the life I should have been granted 2 years ago, you will also be giving me another chance to make things right with Batman.

Now that this issue is resolved, and we’ve reached the agreement and outcome I wanted, and you have agreed to bow out of my life, now, I can go to him and offer him a life free of drama, and free of stress and free of you.  

I have found a way to untangle myself and my children from the tentacles you had buried deep in my life.  I have finally claimed my entire life as my own.  After today, you will no longer have any power in my life or our daughters’ lives.  Finally.  I will be free.

And I will wait patiently for Batman to see that, and together I hope that we can find a way back to each other, and I pray we get a second chance at the love and happiness I know we were meant to have.

Clarity

Have you all seen the new Energizer Battery commercial, when the spaceship can’t take off due to a supposed dead battery?  The aliens connect jumper cables to the bunny’s ears, and viola, take off!

Ever notice at the bottom it says “Dramatization” ?

Uh, yeah, thanks for clearing that up for me.

Where's the logic?

80 degrees is always 80 degrees.  Same with 32, same with 45, same with 2 or 14, right?  Those are finite, measurable things that can not be changed.  They are facts, true and uncontestable.

So, why is it that yesterday, when the temperature was 45 degrees outside, I was walking around without a coat on and was warm and comfortable?  Why is it that 45 degrees feels almost balmy after a high of 2 degrees, and almost artic after a high of 80 degrees?  It’s the same damn temperature!

2nd Annual Blog Cookie Exchange

Ok, guys!  I found this link today on Maven’s blog, and thought I would join in as well, and invite all my friends to join me!  Sounds like a great way to meet new people and share some holiday joy and traditions.

It is the 2nd Annual Blog Cookie Exchange Posting Day!  This is better than a cookie exchange IRL because a) you don’t have to actually bake any cookies (No calories!) and b) you don’t have to clean your house, or make a baking mess, c) you can do it all in your pj’s if you want to.  Nobody’s gonna care!  

So, on December 13th, (yes, next Friday) post your
Favorite holiday recipes
Special Holiday Traditions
Favorite gift to give
What you wear when you don your gay apparel.
Or anything else you’d like to share about your holidays.

Once you post your contribution to the Cookie Exchange, go here and leave a comment with your URL, and everyone will come to your party as well.  What a great way to meet a whole bunch of new people, share some holiday traditions, stories, memories, laughs, and just have a great time.  You won’t gain any weight, you won’t need a designated driver, and you don’t have to dress for the occasion.

Hope you all will join me!  (Now, I just have to make sure I remember to do this!)

Why Toys are better than men

I got a phone call last night that inspired this list. There is a ‘Knucklehead’ out there who I am sure, can guess who instigated the phone call, and this list, and then was too ‘shy’ to post it to their blog. Lucky for you all, I’m not that shy at all…..

Why ‘Toys’ are better than Men…..

• Toys always know exactly what to do, what buttons to push and they do it right every single time.


• There are never any surprises, you always know exactly what you’re going to get.


• They don’t have any hang ups, anything goes.


• They never ask ‘Was it good for you?’


• You can hide them so they will never embarrass you in front of your parents


• They are always there when you want them


• They never have a headache.


• They don’t care if the game is on or not.


• They don’t burp or fart or emit other bodily functions


• They don’t take all the covers


• They don’t make you sleep in the wet spot


• They are always ready and willing and able, no matter how often.


• They don’t need any time to recuperate


• They don’t quit until you get your cookies


• They never get tired


• They never stop in the middle and yell. My turn!


• They don’t care if you bring another man home


• They don’t expect you to reciprocate


• They understand it’s all about you


• Batteries are cheaper than dinner and drinks.

I will admit that this list was inspired by someone who stood at Wal-Mart last night buying a some-assembly-required GI Joe SUV that required 9 batteries….or so she said.

Deep breath,

I had the following conversation with Batman this afternoon.

B: you there
beckyhd35: Hi, yeah, I am. what's up?
B: have some bad news
beckyhd35: ok, spill
B: I have a friends dad that is dying and wants me to be there thursday and friday
B: they just put him in ICU today and he isn't going to make the night
beckyhd35: ok
beckyhd35: so you won't be here tomorrow night
B: I will not I hope you understand. I was requested by the family to be there so what are you going to do
beckyhd35: I do. It's fine. Now, you're not just bailing b/c you don't want to do this right?
B: nope, I wil be at the hosiptal or my friends house thursday and friday
beckyhd35: next week?
B: yea next week
B: I just found out about this early today just been so damn busy with just me here haven't had the time to tell you until now
beckyhd35: It's ok...

So, our 'date' got cancelled, well, postponed. For a week. I just keep telling myself, deep breaths, he said he'd see me next week. He just told me he'd call tonight, so, it's just being put off a week. Deep breaths. Don't freak out, don't jump to conclusions. Accept this with grace, and don't push...and maybe the pay off will be so much better than I could hope.

Deep breath...deep breath.

Holiday Madness

If you want a great Christmas decorating contest story, you have to go check out Beauty and the Beer.  She is in AZ, and it just cracks me the hell up to read about her adventures in decorating her yard.  All this for a $50 gift certificate.

So if you need some help getting into the holiday spirit, go check out Beauty’s yard. You will laugh, you will cry, you will shake you head, and completely understand.

Happy Holidays!