It was never enough

I went away for the weekend, had a wonderful time with family.  I left town, left the state, left behind the drama, the confusion, the pain, the tears of Boo.  He was out of town, he left Wednesday but he still managed to call or chat with me on line every night.  Friday, I left town and his memory and drama behind for the entire weekend.

He called when he got home, we talked about our trips, then he went to unpack.  Later he was online and we chatted some more.  He told me “I think her engagement was a real eye opener for me.”  I didn’t even ask.  I was afraid he would say “I know what I want now, and I think we can have it”.  I knew I wouldn’t have the strength to walk away from him if he said that and I know that I would end up hurt if I didn’t.

So, then, this morning, when he found a minute free at his desk, he sends me an IM, just a simple “Morning”, which sounds innocent enough, except that ever since he said he wanted to ‘take a break’, he hasn’t initiated a conversation with me.  Alarms are going off in my head and heart, he’s reaching out to me, and I’m afraid to reach back, and I’m afraid because I want to.  

I knew, once his mom was gone, he would reach for me again.  I hoped on it, prayed for it, wished for it, and then finally gave up on it, moved past it.  Now, here is what I thought I wanted and I don’t want it.  Hell, that’s a lie, I do, but I can’t allow myself to accept it, or reach back to him, because I know I will only end up hurt.  Besides, don’t I deserve to be with someone who won’t hide me from  his family?  Don’t I deserve a complete relationship, with someone who loves me, all the time, not just when his family is gone?

I found happiness this weekend, freedom, I was alive, I was free, I was happy in my own skin.  I was mom, I was Becky, and I wasn’t sitting around missing him, calling him, thinking about him.  It hurts to want him and know that wanting him would hurt me, but it hurts to walk away from him too.  But walk away is what I’ll do, one step at a time, probably with tears streaming down my cheeks, and my heart aching, breaking, shattered, but knowing each step makes me stronger.

It is what it is, and what it was is hurtful and so much less than I want and deserve.  It is what it is, nothing more, nothing less.  It just was never enough.

What a Wonderful weekend

Oh my god, we had a wonderful weekend visit with family.  Growing up, I only got to see my aunts/uncles/cousins twice a year, so we spent the whole visit trying to figure out who they were.  We would become friends just in time for us to leave again.  I am determined to make sure that doesn’t happen with my children.  

It was so good for the kids to meet new cousins and more aunts and uncles.  The kids were instant friends and played and played constantly.  When it came time for our cousins to go to their house at night there were groans of disappointment, and promises to be back bright and early the next morning.  Of course, to the kids, the adults couldn’t move fast enough so that the playing from the day before could continue.

It did my heart good to get out of town, away from reminders of Boo and the fact that he is gone.  He was out of town and I didn’t want to be home knowing he wasn’t around.  It was easy and relaxing and therapeutic to leave JC and leave the drama and pain and confusion of Boo behind.  I spent a wonderful weekend with family and my heart healed.

It was so wonderful to actually spend time with M this weekend and talk and laugh with her face to face.  I think she is absolutely amazing and I love her to death.  Watching her with my cousin B I can see they are absolutely perfect together.  They are best friends and perfect together.  I love watching them together and I only hope and pray I can someday find what they have found.  M….I loved you before because we’re family, I love you now, because we’re friends.  Our entire family is incredibly blessed that you’re a part of us.

The kids are wonderful.  I absolutely lost my heart to Little Miss Chloe. Nothing touched my heart more than when I would walk into a room and Chloe would say ‘There’s Becky!”  My kids had so much fun with the boys too.  Thank you for letting them wear different colors on Saturday so that my kids could finally learn to tell them apart.  I still can’t tell, unless they smile, so I can see who’s lost teeth and who hasn’t.  

There were pictures galore taken this weekend. M and I walked everywhere with a camera in our hands.  In fact at one point I had one hanging on each shoulder and one in my hands.  M has posted some of her favorites on her website, I will get mine posted soon.  I can’t wait to see all the pictures M took… especially after seeing these.

On the way home my kids were already asking ‘When can we go back?’ and while we were looking at some of the pictures from our visit, Tate said “Mom, it’s kind of cool to look at these pictures now and we know those people!”  They made new friends this weekend, and can’t wait to get together and play some more.  Even the 5 hour drive isn’t a big deal to them now!

The new MasterCard Ad

Price of new valve cover gaskets for my grandmother’s car……………………………. ~$100

Price of labor to replace bad valve cover gaskets in grandmother’s car …………... ~$75

The look on my dad’s face when Grandma thought out loud “Maybe I’ll just do it myself”………….Priceless

We're Off to see the wizard

Today is the last day of school. Bo survived, ahem, THRIVED this year, his first year in Jr. High. In elementary he was diagnosed with ADD. He made it through this entire school year medication free, and aced his classes. All of them. Without me having to nag him half to death, a blessing for both of us.

Newt survived her 1st year of school, survived kindergarten. My baby has now become Little Miss Independent. She is already looking forward to first grade because she will go to school all day, AND get to eat lunch there.

Tate got through third grade, but her bigget accomplishment is she finally managed to conquer her R's and she will no longer need to be in speech therapy next year!

So, school is out today, and tomorrow, we leave for Kansas, for the weekend. (who would have thought the idea of going to Kansas would be something to get excited about) The kids (mine and the cousins in Ks) are so very excited about this trip. I'm hoping to be on the road no later than 1:30, so we'll get to my aunt and uncle's place in time for a 'family dinner' with them and my cousins and their kids.

They may be excited about the trip, I'm beginning to question my sanity in making the decision to take a 5 hour road trip with 3 kids in the same vehicle, and me without any Captain Morgan.

Tomorrow we will be following the yellow brick road.....

Sweet and Innocent

I found a roll of old film and had it developed, not knowing what was on it. Turns out it was pictures from my brother's wedding 6 years ago. So, here are a few pictures of my kids from when they were sweet and innocent, long before they became Killer, Penhead, and Crash.

Bo with Uncle S.

Tate with Aunt K

Sweet and Innocent, Tate and Newt

I got a gold Star!

I got a gold star today! Yeah, I know, you're all jealous! Get over it. It's mine. My sister gave it to me because I was able to name the movie that her movie quote "Something big is afoot at the Circle K, Ted." came from. Ok, I'll give you the answer, but not my gold star.... It's from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Be excellent to each other, and party on Dude!

It is what it is

My sister and I don’t always see eye to eye on things.  In fact, we are almost as different as two sisters can be. Sometimes those differences get in our way.  But the glory of being sisters is we are allowed the freedom to voice our own opinions, get angry with each other, and yet know that no matter how awful it gets we still love each other, even if we don’t like each other.

The other glory of being sisters is that when I need honesty, when I need truth, raw truth, when I need an objective opinion, she is the one person I can go to who will give it to me.  I may not always like her, but I always respect her, and trust her, and value her opinion.  I love her and I need her to keep me grounded and to occasionally pull my head out of my ass for me, since I tend to get it very seriously stuck up there quite often.  She is also my biggest cheerleader, when I’m on the right track she is there encouraging me, supporting me, pushing me to keep going.  

About a month ago, we had a phone conversation after we had both been drinking.  Those are always fun, because our sensors are either turned way down, or completely off, and everything is fair game.  The thing with her is, when she drinks she sometimes gets really deep and brilliant.  She always thinks she is when she’s drinking, sometimes she’s right.  Anyway, during this conversation she passed on this little gem of wisdom.  “It is what it is.  Nothing more, nothing less.”  Simple, to the point, and very poignant, and absolutely true.

It has stuck with me, and I have applied it to my relationship with Boo.  It was what it was, nothing more, nothing less, and it wasn’t what I wanted it to be, or what I wanted people to believe it was.  No matter how much I wished it, no matter how much I pretended, I couldn’t make it something it wasn’t.  It was what it was.  And it was so much less than I deserve.

It wasn’t, however, a mistake.  Going through this, has actually been the catalyst for me to be very honest with myself.  For some reason, the end of us has somehow forced me to take an honest look at the part I played in the drama and has allowed me to be very honest with myself about a lot of things.  I don’t know why, or what it was about this that was different, but because of the outcome, I can’t say that ‘we’ were a mistake.  I have grown and learned so much, so many truths about myself from this.

Sis and I have been talking today too, about my Truths post.  
Lil Sis: “Read your blog.  Good for you for seeing that.  I think that's going to be huge in your growth - you're finally able to admit your own hand in your reality.  Tis a big step!”  

Big Sis: I don't know, but this time it all seems easier.  Easier to accept the part I played, not just in the end, but in the deception.  I lied to a lot of people, by omitting part of the truth, the ugly part of the truth, but I lied to myself too.  I allowed people to draw incorrect conclusions because those conclusions were the reality that I wanted, but knew would never be mine, at least not with him.

The thing is now, I'm not looking for 'the next one', and I’m not prowling for the next man.  I really am comfortable in my own skin alone right now. Being at home, alone on nights that the kids are gone, doesn't bother me any more.  It's really kind of freeing to admit these truths, to myself, to you, now, maybe I need to admit them to him.

Lil Sis: Do you honestly feel you need to admit anything to him?  Don't you think he already knows?  I mean, Becky, to be honest, these are truths that were mostly hidden from you - many of us could see that it wasn't exactly as you made it sound.

It's good that you're not searching for another man.  It seems to me, (and I know this is unsolicited, so please forgive me if I cross the line,) that you were searching for something in yourself -but you were trying to find it in a man.  Now that you've chosen to search for your truth inside yourself, men don't fill the same role.

These are hugely positive steps, Becky.  When I stopped looking for a guy to complete me and I decided to complete myself, Brian came into my life shortly after I figured it out.

She’s honest, she’s right, and she always offers support, encouragement and hope.  She is my Jiminy Cricket, she is my North Star, she’s not only my sister, she’s my friend, and I’m very lucky indeed.

Then, on top of that, my horoscope for today tells me The stars want you to be as brilliant and original as only you can be. Go ahead and listen to your instincts -- they'll point you in the right direction. Have some faith: What you want for yourself is what the universe wants too.

Listen to my instincts, they will lead me in the right direction.  My instincts tell me He’s right, he has always been right.  He cares about me, and knows that I had (Have?) feelings for him that he couldn’t return.  Dragging this out longer would only hurt me more in then end, and the end was always inevitable.  He cares enough about me to end it now, hurt me a little (a lot) now, instead of playing this out, and hurting me much more in the future.  This way, maybe, we can find a way to maintain a friendship without someone’s (ok, mine) heart getting broken again and again.

My instincts tell me that I should just relax, enjoy my life, I’ve fought long and hard to find the peace and happiness I have right now.  I have just started to find and appreciate myself, there’s no need to rush out and find someone else to bring into my life.  Have faith, when the time is right, and I’m ready, and the stars and planets align, the right person will come into my life, and I’ll know it. I’ll know it and be ready for it.

I used to think “I hope, but no longer believe I will find the right person for me to love. Even if I do find them, I’m sure I’ll just screw it all up and lose them anyway.”  Now, I just accept if it’s meant to happen, it will happen in it’s own time, when it’s right and when it’s meant to be.  

My life: It is what it is, nothing more, nothing less.  And, it’s mine.

Dear Co-worker who's old enough to retire

I really didn’t need to know you got lucky this morning. But thanks for sharing.

Love,
Becky

Truths

It’s been a week of truths for me.  I got really honest with myself this week, about the part I played in the drama between Boo and I last week.  But I think I may have only admitted half of the truth.

The whole truth is, I knew the score, going in to it.  I knew that he would never love me; I knew that he didn’t want a serious relationship.  I knew that he would never give me what I wanted.  But when telling people about our relationship, I edited details for content.  I always kept it to myself that it was just a casual sex thing between us.  I edited for content, and allowed people to draw their own conclusions, and then didn’t correct them, I went with it.  I told them half of the story, and based on my half truths, they formed incorrect conclusions, which were closer to what I wanted our relationship to be than the reality was.

He could have been the best I’ve ever had, if it had been real, but it wasn’t.  So, in reality, he really wasn’t any better than anyone else I’ve ever been with.  Yes, he was smarter, more responsible, possibly (Ok definitely) richer, and therefore people thought I’d finally found a good one.  He wasn’t.  Oh, that’s not to say he wasn’t a great guy, it wasn’t a good relationship.  It wasn’t much of a relationship at all.

So, for 5 months, I’ve been building up the image of a wonderful relationship, but it was all smoke and mirrors.  I created an illusion out of half truths and perceptions based on those half truths until I had this wonderful loving happy relationship with great potential. All made out of fluff and stuff.

While I’m on the subject of truths, I might as well spill another one.  Boo has me completely bumfuzzled.  In my dating life, there have been very few guys who I haven’t been able to charm and flirt with to get my way.  OK, I’m not proud of it.  It’s really shallow and it reeks of low self esteem and its trashy behavior.  I am not proud of it.  I am trying to change it.  Boo is a different story.  He has incredible willpower and resolve.  He’s made a decision and he’s sticking to it. I’m not able to change his mind, no matter what I say or do.  I have even made excuses for him, (the only contact we have is at work, so it’s easy to turn me down, walk away, and stand his ground.   Or, his mom is not only in town, but is staying at his house this week and that means he has no free time.  He has company every night, so his life is not his own right now) and I’ve even blamed myself (maybe I’m defective and my charm doesn’t work any more).  The truth of this whole situation is, I tried harder than I should have (I shouldn’t have tried at all) to change his mind, and I’m secretly glad he didn’t.  Because he stood his ground there were no mixed signals, no going back and forth, it made it easier to get over it, and move on.  He not only made his decision, he made himself scarce for a day or two just to be sure there was no confusion.  

I met a friend of mine last night for a couple of beers.  He knows the score, he knows the story of Boo.  And after talking for a while he looked at me, and told me that he was impressed with how much I’ve grown and changed in 2 years since my divorce.  This break up didn’t have me nearly as broken up as others have in the past.  The haunted hurt look was not there in my eyes.  They were bright and clear and I looked genuinely happy.  He was impressed with how healthy I seem to be.  When I looked at myself through his eyes, I see that he was right.  Yes, the culmination of my ‘relationship’ with Boo was painful, and I cried, for 1 day.  I had already accepted the truth of the situation and had moved on and started getting over it.  But what was a bigger truth, I had just had a relationship end, but I was not desperate to find the next one, I was not looking for or thinking about who’s next.  I was/am fine with being alone right now.  I am more comfortable in my skin, alone, than I ever have been in my life.  I take that as a sign of growing up.  And the fact that that doesn’t scare me like it used to is another sign of growing up.

George

Meet George. He is a Luna moth that has found safe harbor outside our front door. He's been there for almost 24 hours now, and hasn't moved. I'm not sure if he's dead or alive, and I'm afraid to find out. I don't want to touch him and disturb him, but if he's dead, we probably should move him.
Anyway, it's kind of humorous watching Newt, who is deathly afraid of bugs of any sort, navigate her way around George every morning on her way out the door to school. There is plenty of room for her to walk around, but she-who-is-scared-of-bugs thinks it is necessary to get as close to the damn thing as she can and scare herself half to death. God forbid George should move, I'm sure Newt would have a coronary.
Either way, George is welcome to stay as long as he wants, guarding our door from unwanted intruders, (and a very scared Newt).

Welcome George, glad you found our doorway a welcome respite from your busy life. Stay as long as you like.

A letter to my son

Dear Bo,

Grandpa used to write me letters when I was mad at him, or we were having a hard time getting along. It made talking easier, because we didn’t have to do it face to face. I thought maybe I’d try it too. It seemed to work when I was your age.

I know you life seems like it sucks right now. I’m going to tell you that at 12, everyone thinks their life sucks. It’s hard. It’s a really tough age. You’re no longer a child, but not quite a man. I know that you are trying so hard to grow up and be a man, and it seems like I am fighting so hard to keep that from happening. I understand you are fighting for your independence and I am fighting to hold on to the little boy who stole my heart 12 years ago. I know I can’t win this fight, and that I will eventually have to let you go. I’m just not ready to do that yet.

Maybe you think I come down on you pretty hard, and maybe you’re right, I do. Let me explain why. I only want you to be the best person you can be. I know that you are a smart guy. You just don’t believe in yourself, and part of that is my fault. I’m only human, and I have made mistakes. I haven’t been the best parent, but I’m trying. I want you to always do your best, be your best, look your best. I was such a nerd, such a geek in school. I wasn’t popular, I didn’t have many friends, and I see that you could get so much more out of school by being liked, and popular and having a lot of friends. So, I’m trying to help you be the ‘cool dude’ instead of the nerd I was. I just want you to have a better life than I had, I want you to have better experiences than I had.

You and I are a lot alike, because we both get really angry, really easily. I say things when I’m angry and hurt that I don’t really mean. And I never, ever tell you I love you nearly enough. I really do love you, and I am so proud of you. You are growing into an incredible young man, and I know that my time with you is short. I know that girls and sports, and cars, and dates, and jobs are just around the corner and will take you away from me. I am just trying to enjoy every last day I have with you, before you grow up too much.

I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, I won’t laugh, I won’t judge. I was 12 once, I remember how hard it was. Things are changing, things in your life, your body, your feelings, everything is changing and it’s scary and exciting all at the same time. If you don’t want to talk to me, Aunt S said that Uncle B would be willing to talk to you about anything you need or want to talk about too. He was 12 once too, you know.

You don’t have to face this alone. You are not alone. You have a huge family that loves you. While you may not understand or agree with the choices and decisions I make, I need you to know that I make those choices and decisions based on what I think is best for you. You may not understand that now, but I hope you can trust me.

I love you Bo, and I’m incredibly proud of you.

I've made a decision

I've made a decision today, it's one I've toyed with in the past, but now, I've decided this is the best course of action for me, and I'm sticking to it. I've decided I'm giving up on love, and on men. I've decided I'm just going to be single and alone for the rest of my life. It's so much easier and less painful that way. Look at my track record. I always fall for men who can't/won't/don't love me and I end up giving my heart away only to have it handed back to me a mangled, bloody mess. I don't want to hurt like this any more. I don't ever want to feel rejection like this ever again. I don't want to feel the emptiness, the ache, the heartbreak, the tears, the hopelessness ever again. The only way to avoid all of this pain and misery and agony is to avoid men, love, relationships, the only way is to stay single and alone. Forever. I had to go to his house today to get a pair of shoes I left there. I hadn't been there in a week (and you could tell it, it was a mess) but walking through that empty house, seeing him every where I looked, memories of us around every corner, in every room, ghosts of better, happier times haunting me hurt way too too much. The weight I thought was gone, settled back around my heart again and I couldn't breathe. I wanted to fall crumpled into a pile and cry till my eyes, my heart, and my soul were empty. I wanted to cry for what we were, and for what we could have been if he had just given us the chance.

I am not going to go through this again. I will not suffer the hurt and the rejection, the pain, the emptiness, the loneliness, the tears the heartache ever again. I am done with love. I no longer believe or even hope to someday find someone who will love me and whom I can love. I don't believe it exists for me. I don't think there's any one out there for me. I'm not sure I deserve it anyway. Maybe this is what I deserve, to be alone. It's so much easier this way.

I loved him, even when he told me not to, and true to his word, he broke my heart. At least he was honest, I have to give him that. I'll never go through that again. I'll never put my heart out there for anyone ever again. I'll never open myself up and let anyone in again. I can't stand the pain that comes with it. I can't live like this any more. I don't want to. Not anymore. Love happens for other people, not for me, never for me.

All Down Hill from 9:00 on

What started out as great Mother’s day has quickly and completely and totally gone down hill to the absolute worst mother’s day.

I am stuck at home with 3 spoiled rotten ungrateful brats, Hateful, Bitchy and Whiny. My son says his life sucks, it’s horrible and terrible and he hates his life. Because I make him clean his room. Period. Because I’m mean to him by making him clean his room. Cry me a river, at 13 I was cleaning my room, doing dishes every night, staying at home with my brother and sister. He has it really cushy as far as I’m concerned. I am out here bawling my eyes out, crying over the fact that my son hates his life, and hates me, and I’ve failed him somehow, and he’s in his room taking a nap without a care in the world. Getting his laundry done by me, his lunch will be cooked by me, everything will be handled by me and he’s got nothing more stressful to do that take a nap! I’m devastated, and he’s clueless and couldn’t care less. That’s Hateful for you.

Now, Bitchy and Whiny have been sent to their room to try and find the floor. I’ve been after them for weeks, hell, maybe months to clean it. But to no avail. Guess I’m going to have to get up and go in there with a trash bag and clean it up myself. Of course, Bitchy slips and falls on something and hits her head on one of Whiny’s hard back books, now Whiny thinks she has to throw all of her books away because of Bitchy. Christ, like I really need more drama today.





My sister got the PERFECT mother’s day gift – A day WITHOUT her kids! How is spending the day with fighting crying bitching selfish spoiled kids a gift for me? This has been the day from Hell.

Guess who’s going to do all the laundry today? Yup, the maid (and in this house, that would be me). Guess who’s cooking lunch and dinner? Yup, the personal chef (again, me). Guess who’s going to take care of Whiny, Bitchy, and Hateful? Yup, the Nanny (again, me). Guess who’s going to spoil me for mother’s Day? Yeah, that would be Nobody (again, that would be Me).

And there you have it, the Mother’s Day from Hell. Hope yours was better. How could it not be?

Happy Mother's Day to me!

The girls blessed me this morning with wonderful Mother's Day gifts that they made at home and at school, or had bought at the school store. So, on to the goodies...

From Newt, I got (from left to right) a bookmark that is 3 hearts that say I Love You. I got a homemade card that has Smarties and Sweetharts glued to the front, another bookmark (Plain white) and a recipe book from her class at school. Newt's recipe was "Chocolate Chip Cookies - Buy the dough at the store. Take it out of the bag and put flour on the cookies. Cook for 1 hour". I find this quite humerous, as I never use pre-made cookies dough. All of my cookies are always made from scratch.

From Tate I got (left to right) a home made bookmark, the hearts all say "I love you Mom". The flowers in the center are coupons for chores. I pull out a flower and on the 'stem' is something like "Vaccum the living room", so I pull one out and Tate has to do it. Funny thing is, she glued them all in so they wouldn't come out. The purple and white bracelet says I heart U, a St. Louis Cardinal's sticker because my girl knows I love baseball, and a book "Freedom's Wings Corey's Underground Railroad Diary".

I got an email from my mother today too. It said "Hey Becky, Just wanted to tell you that your pictures of the girls are truly amazing. I feel you have found your spot and your place should be photography(sp). You truly have a gifted eye and see things in an amazing way. I am so proud of you and the amazing journey you are taking and the beautiful woman I see coming out. One that is very strong, beginning to know who she is and one that knows she has a life and can take care of her family and herself just fine. You have done tons of work on getting yourself healthier and more self confident. Wanted to wish you a very happy and fun filled Mother's Day. I love you MOM"

So, it's been a wonderful Mother's Day so far, and it's not even 8:00! Wahoo!

Mother's Day Drama

Am I completely out of line here?  I got the following email from Bo’s dad.

My schedule for Sunday got changed. I don't have to be at work until 330 pm. Would you like me to meet you or were you planning to pick him up at my apartment...? (Either way is fine)

We’re talking about getting Bo to me for Mother’s Day.  My thinking is, it’s Mother’s DAY, so I should have him the WHOLE DAY, not just the late afternoon/evening.  It’s not Mother’s Afternoon, or Mother’s Evening.  It’s Mother’s DAY.  

I think he should bring him to me, at my apartment, so that I don’t have to go get him.  Whenever I have to take him to his Dad’s I ALWAYS have to go clear to his dad’s apartment. I don’t think I’m asking too much that he bring him to me.

We had this same problem last year on Mother’s Day.  He was supposed to bring Bo to me, and by 11:30 he still hadn’t showed up.  When I called he said “Well, I was going to bring him around 3:00 or 4:00.”  HELLO!?  It’s Mother’s DAY, again with that argument.

Am I completely out of line by being upset about this?  I don’t think I am.

It's Official!

I am going to Kansas in 2 weeks to spend the weekend with M,B and the kids.  M and I were chatting on line tonight and I suggested we get our calendars out and pick a weekend for a visit.  She suggested Memorial Weekend because they have a huge celebration in M’s hometown and there will be tons of things for us to do to keep the kids entertained.

So, I have 2 weeks to plan a short weekend trip to hang with my friend.  She’s the reason I felt I could actually become a photographer.  So, we’re going to be talking cameras, and taking pictures until the kids are tired of us!

Who would have thought there would be anyone in the world excited about going to Kansas!?!?!

Don't ask me how I'm doing, the answe is, Not Good

My sister put this on her blog today, The Dalai Lama says, "Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day."  

It was meant for someone else entirely, and yet, it seems to fit.  She is wonderful that way. With an uncanny ability to always have the right words to say to me to ease my pain and give me hope, and lift me up.  Even when it wasn’t meant for me, there it was.  

I had to come to work today and tell my circle of friends the awful truth. I opted to do it via email, because just being here was hard enough, trying to tell people face to face would have been impossible.  They have been amazing…

From J M: I'm so sorry.....Just know you have friends and we will be there to help you thru....

From G S: Becky: I'm so sorry. I know how much he meant to you. Keep a stiff upper lip and don't lose that million dollar smile and sense of humor that makes you so special. See you at lunch. The gang will be there for you.  

And from S O: Hey hang in there!!!  It will all work out in the end.  I know it's hard to hear that and think that but it really will.  Just take it one day at a time.  If you need to talk we are here.

I have a great support system here at work. I won’t face this alone.  They won’t let me hurt for long, and they won’t let me cry.  

The consensus is he’s making a mistake, and the reason for ‘taking a break’ is really stupid and lame.  But it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, this is what he wants.  The decision has been made, at least for today.  Who knows, he may change his mind, and at that point, I’ll have to decide what I’m going to do.

Better than I’ve ever had doesn’t necessarily fill the void of all that I deserve.  The truth is, he was less than I deserve.  He wouldn’t let me love him, and he wouldn’t let himself love me.  No matter how much fun we had together, no matter how good we were together, none of that matters because his heart would never be mine.  

He’s tried this before; he’s tried to pull away, only to forget about it hours later.  He’s tried to ‘take a break’ before, only to change his mind.  Somehow, I know this time is different.  This time, analyzing everything paid off, it showed me the handwriting on the wall and I knew this was coming. I knew something was different, something was off, and he was pulling away.  He won’t change his mind this time, at least not anytime soon.  

The kicker of this is, at the end of May he’s taking a week vacation to go home to Louisiana, where she is.  He’s going to jump out of the frying pan into the fire and make a bad situation worse.  Then there’s the thought, she’s engaged, what if it’s to him?  What if they talked on the phone and decided to try and make it work?  What if he’s going home to LA at the end of the month to celebrate their engagement?  Stranger things have happened.

We finally found some time to talk, or at least chat, via computers.  It’s easier and safer this way. I finally found the balls to ask him, “I know this is going to sound desperate, and I'm sorry.  I don't mean for it too.  I'm just trying to deal here, and I have some questions.  If you'll answer these, I promise I'll leave you alone.

She's engaged now.  Please tell me it's NOT to you.....

And when you take your vacation at the end of the month, you're going home to Louisiana.  To see her?  To try and change her mind?”

Here’s the response I got, and the conversation that ensued. (edited for content, some of it’s boring)
Boo     thank you Becky
Me     for what? for wondering?
Boo     you just made my shitty day and put a smile on my face
Me     my pain makes you happy? Glad I could help  
Boo     don't be in pain (Yeah, let me work on that, it will ease your guilt a little bit, and we both know we want YOU to be ok with this.)
Me     kind of hard not to be
Boo     and the answer to your email is hell no
Boo     no fucking way
Me     well then there is that.
Boo     and I’m not going lie to you if I say I don't still love her either (at least you’re honest.)
Me     I know that you do.  I've always known that.  She's had your heart, and that's why I never could
Boo     but she has her own life and I do too..and she is not part of my future (apparently neither am I)
Me     she is as long as you love her. She still has power, she has the power to hurt you
Boo     she is good/bad history that I’m trying to get out of my life
Me     I'm sorry for asking, I just had to know.
Boo     and one time u told me something really sound very smart and I thought about too
Me     Christ, you finally listened to me and now it bites me in the ass.
Boo     where are we going with the meaningless sex?
Me     It wasn't exactly meaningless. We were friends, we had a great relationship.
Boo     you are a great lady and so many guys out there can give you more than I can. Just I hated for you to be with me all this time with no hope for more.
Me     I always knew your heart belonged to her. I made my peace with that a long long time ago.  It wasn't just sex, and you can't tell me that you believe it was.
Me     There was friendship there too.
Me     I'm not naive enough to think there was love, there wasn't.
Boo     so why do you want to be with me? Just for the sex... god you can get that at Wal-mart  (Oh really, what department is that in?)
Me     I don't want the fairy tale.  I still have so many issues from the girls' dad.  You were fun, and safe, and I knew the rules and it worked.
Me     I don't want it from Wal-mart.
Boo     k- mart still open
Me     Thanks, but no.
Boo     but you know what I'm saying
Boo     and I will always be your friend and you can always be safe
Boo     I promise you
Me     Yeah, I know.  I think you're throwing away something that was pretty damn good and beneficial to both of us.  
Boo     I know that
Me     I'm not sure you do
Boo     I didn't really do anything for you. You’re the one who helped me so much with out me asking sometimes
Me     you did more than you know.
Boo     that's why I really hate to do this but I need to do it for you and me
Me     there’s no changing your mind is there?
Boo     I need to find myself before I find a girlfriend or a wife
Boo     that's the problem
Boo     my mind is not here
Me     I didn't think you were looking for either.
Me     you’re heart is not here,
Boo     AND I REALLY HATE TO USE YOU BECKY
Boo     just please understand that I’m doing this for both of us
Me     you never used me, I offered everything, freely, knowing the rules. I was in this with my eyes wide open. Of my own free will.
Boo     you go out there and see how many men doing this
Me     I don't want to go out there, at all.
Boo     I really enjoyed every day together
Me     you keep telling yourself you're doing this for both of us.  You're not, you're doing it for yourself, and maybe out of a misguided hope for her
Boo     no god dame it
Boo     you were the best girl that any man would love to have
Me     any man but you
Boo     I hate to do this to you
Boo     I don't want to just use you for sex
Boo     do you understand that
Boo     I can deal with my problems and be with you at the same time
Boo     but it's not fair to you
Me     honestly, it was just sex to you, nothing more, no friendship, nothing?
Me     how do I go home tonight and break Santa's heart too?
Boo     I want have you as a friend,
Me     and what happened to everything is fine with us?
Boo     you’re not going to break her heart
Me     Yes, I am
Me     No, you are
Boo     no your not
Me     so I have to tell her you're not going to be around any more, and deal with her tears and questions and her hurt, and you think her heart isn't going to be broken.
Me     you come tell her then.
Boo     I will come and visit sometimes. It’s not like I lived there and now I’m leaving
Boo     and I will be around I’m not going anywhere
Me     so, this break you want, or say you need, means no sex? That’s all that means?
Boo     yes
Boo     just friends
Me     so, will we still get to hang out? Watch races on weekends? Yard sales? Ballgames?
Boo     yes
Boo     but we have to take sometime off first
Boo     that's how this work
Me     why do you get to decide?
Boo     not sure yet but I’m the one with the issues not you
Me     you’ve had issues all along, didn't matter then.
Boo     yes it didn't. but how long do I need to live like that
Boo     all my life?
Boo     I need find myself and do something with it
Me     No, but why punish me, why end what we had because she moved on?
Me     we were fine before you found out about her engagement.
Boo     not just go and work 15hrs a day at work and work on the weekend
Me     No, we were going to be so much more than that this summer. What about Michigan and the Brickyard?
Me     what about the ballgames?
Me     things were going to be so damn fun and easy this summer, working on the house, the yard, the waterfall, going to the races at the lake, going to Michigan and the brickyard, catching some ballgames.
Boo     I’m so sorry Becky. I should have known better when we started hanging out.  Sex is just one night, not 5 months
Me     so, the last 5 months meant nothing to you?  It was just sex to you?
Boo     no it was more like friendship
Me     so you can throw your friends away just like that?
Me     Nice to know
Boo     I’m not throwing my friends a way, I’m just stopping the sex
Me     that's fine. Then we still get the races, the ballgames. I can live with that.
Me     so we won't be going to yard sales this weekend huh? Or watching the races?
Boo     I wasn't going to yard sales in Jeff anyway
Boo     and I was going to be in Columbia this Sunday anyway
Me     I was going in Columbia, there are some really nice neighborhood sales there.
Me     There is no race on Sunday, it's mother's day
Boo     mother's day that's right
Me     they take off for God and Mama (Easter and Mother's Day)
Boo     well can we or can't be JUST FRIENDS
Me     yes, we can.
Me     I want that
Boo     talk to u later friend
Me     Bye boo


I know, my sister will read that and rip it to shreds and be disappointed in me for ‘begging’ and groveling.  I’m just trying to pin point some things, get clear boundaries and right now, ease the ache in my heart to get me through today.  Whatever it takes to stop the tears and ease the pain and just function through today.  

The reality of it is, he’s right, this is probably better for all involved.  He needs to get his head and his heart clear.  I deserve someone who can love me and someone I can love. It sounds pretty bad when you read it, but believe me it wasn’t just a physical thing. We had chemistry, we connected, we had fun, we had plans.  

I’m doing better.  He avoided lunch today, and therefore, me.  I am kind of glad, made it easier, but I don’t want him to make it easier.  Seeing him is inevitable around here. It’s going to happen sooner or later.

I don’t have answers, but I don’t have as many questions now either.  I just need some time to think things through and deal with this.  Transitions are hard, but change means growing.

The Dalai Lama says, "Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day

Old friends pass away, new friends appear.  Make it meaningful.  So our time has come to pass.  We had a wonderful 5 months.  Funny my sister told me ‘If it’s good and it’s right, right now, it will be still be good in six months.’  How could she have known?  It was meaningful, no matter how trivial he wants to make it sound now.  That’s a defense mechanism.  Make it sound trivial, believe it was trivial and ease the guilt of causing someone pain.

Don’t ask me how I’m doing, the answer is, not good.  But I will get better.  Just give me time.

It's here, and gone, in the blink of an eye

The storm has hit land, like I knew it would. The truth is, while it was pretty destructive it wasn' t total and complete. It was calm, eerily calm, and while it changed everything, it didn't destroy as much as I had feared. I had been bracing for it, preparing for it, convincing myself it was a reality before it actually was. It wasn't as destructive as I had feared. Although the aftermath could be harder to contend with than the reality of the storm.

It's nothing I can't survive. I'm strong, and I've survived worse.

What to do, what to do....

This nagging thought has been in the back of my mind for a week or so now.  I know it’s something I need to write about, but I just keep putting it off.  It will be put off no longer. I just don’t know where to start.  

I guess the best place to start is with the thought that keeps running through my brain, ‘Her life choices are going to bite me in the ass….again.’  That being said, I still don’t know where to go with it.  Except to say, there is a person in my life that makes decisions and life choices that I don’t agree with, but it’s her life.  I don’t judge, I don’t condemn or condone, I don’t allow it to change our friendship, after all, until I’ve walked a mile in her shoes…..

Anyway, whatever these choices are, being her friend, her confidante, I know about them.  I am aware of them.  Because Boo and I are…well, Boo and I, he knows some of them too.  I get phone calls from her, while I’m with him, about things going on in her life, and well, I’ve had to explain some things to Boo.  

Now, the problem is, because of the choices she makes, and the fact that I’m aware of them, Boo is afraid that I am like her and will make similar choices.  She does it, you’re aware of it; you don’t try to stop her, why wouldn’t you do it too?  Because of the choices she makes, and the fact that I’m aware of them, he’s afraid I’m like her and will follow her lead.  Guilty, or suspected, by association.

First of all, aware does not mean acceptance, does not mean compliance, does not mean approval.  It means aware.  I’ve voiced my opinion to her, but ultimately her choices are her choices, after all it’s her life to live.  Period.

Second of all, I am not her. Just because she does it, doesn’t mean I will too.  She can jump off a bridge tomorrow, I would hope that I’m smart enough and independent enough to see that it’s not a good idea, and I won’t follow suit.  Just because she does something, that’s her, it’s not me. It does not stand to reason I’ll do it too.  

Still, her choices, and my awareness of them, have caused Boo to doubt me.  This is not the first time her choices have bit me in the ass. It happened with C2 as well.  Same situation.  She did something, I knew about it, C2 assumed that because she was doing it, and I was aware of it, that I must condone it, and therefore could be doing it as well.   That has never been the case.  I went out of my way to hide her choices from C2 because I knew he would immediately make the conclusion “she is; you probably are too.”

So, what do I do?  Do I end my friendship with her?  We’ve been friends a lot longer than I’ve been dating Boo.  Boo’s trust issues are exactly that, his trust issues.  They stem from his ex as well as this and other things. They do not stem from anything I’ve done.  If I have to choose, who do I choose?  I mean, men come and go, girlfriends are forever.  But at what point do I say enough is enough?  Is it enough to tell her I just don’t want to hear about her choices?  Is ignorance really bliss in this situation? Can I really stick my head in the sand about her and expect it not to effect my life?  Do I allow her choices to influence the relationships in my life, both with her and with Boo?

I’m not saying I’ve never made bad choices, I have. I may have even made similar choices to the ones she’s making now.  I can understand why she’s doing what she’s doing. That does not make it ok, that does not mean I give my approval.  I wonder how often my choices, (any of my choices) have bitten someone else in the ass and I was totally and completely unaware of it.  Maybe she’s completely unaware of the way she’s effecting my life.  Hard to remember if I’ve mentioned it to her.  Maybe that’s what I need to do.

So brave (from behind a tree and a mom)

So, I’m sitting at my computer last night editing photos from the latest practice photo shoot with the kids.  Tate is already tired of the camera, but she’s been in front of one all of her life.  Newt suffers from the Last Baby Syndrome, and there are precious few pictures of her, so she loves to shine in front of the camera.  Anyway, back to my story…

I’m sitting there editing pictures, when Newt bursts through the door.  Newt never does anything calmly, quietly or ladylike, it’s always full on, drama, drama, drama with her (I’ll tell the tick story later…remind me.) Anyway, Newt is bursting through the front door, “Mom you better come quick, Ian’s about to get into a fight.”.  Well, since everything is always so over dramatic for Newt, I didn’t fly out the door, I casually walked. Besides, I thought it might be a smidge entertaining to see who was going to ‘fight’ my son and how my son was going to handle it.  I mean after all, what better place to have your first fight than right at home where Mom can jump in and save your butt if you’re losing, and take care of any battle wounds immediately.  

I walk outside, and the kid who was bound and determined to ‘kick his ass’ saw me and took off.  Not running, but walking, so I followed.  After all, my editing session had just been interrupted for this, I wanted to see a good fight, or at least a little verbal sparring.

The kid takes off and HIDES behind a tree.  I’m calling after him, ‘So, you want to kick my son’s ass?”
Yeah,
Why?
Because I can
Think so?
I know I can
Well, then bring your bad self up here and do it.
I don’t want to now, I changed my mind.
Scared?
Hell no I ain’t scared.
Then why are you hiding behind a tree
I ain’t hiding.
Well, then why did you leave when I showed up?
I felt like it.
Then you really didn’t want to kick his ass, did you?
Hell yeah, Still do. I’ll kick yours too.
Then bring it.
You bring it.
I’m here, waiting for you. You’re the one who left, you walked away.  I’m just sitting here waiting to see a good fight.

Then Bo pipes up “Yeah, Bring it!  Go on, Bring it. You’re just scared.”
I looked at him in total disbelief.  I said to my son, ‘Shut. up.  You’re hiding behind your mother, and now you’re going to get brave?  Son, you didn’t stand a chance of winning this fight.  Shut. up.’  I hate to admit that I had such little faith in my son, but damn, this boy isn’t nearly as tough as he wants everyone to believe.  You bump into him and he yells ‘Ow”.  Can you imagine the drama if that other kid had actually thrown and landed a punch?  There would have been more drama from Bo than even Newt could come up with.

It was so funny, both boys thought they were tough, and they were going to knock each other around for awhile just to prove it. But as soon as I showed up, they both ran and hid.  Oh they could talk the talk, from behind a tree and behind me, but couldn’t take the first step to walk the walk.

A rare picture of Bo

He runs when he sees the camera. This is him goofing off, showing off. I can barely get a picture of him, let alone a serious one. Enjoy.

Tate

My favorite picture of Tate.
Again, the colors are vibrant and amazing, even in the tree.
Got those catchlights in her eyes too.

Newt

I took this picture of Newt, just playing around. It's not perfect, but damn, I think it's pretty damn good! I love the back light, the colors, the catchlights in her eyes. The drawback is the shadow on her cheek, by her ear, but everything else just sings. I love this picture and I sometimes find it hard to believe I took this picture! Maybe I'm not going to suck at this photography thing after all! I may have a future here!

The Storm

It hasn’t arrived yet, but I know it’s coming. I just don’t know when. The waiting is almost worse than the reality. I can feel it looming on the horizon. I am waiting for it’s arrival, and preparing.  I am so sure it’s coming that I’ve already begun to accept it as a reality and started to prepare for it.

I know that I could be wrong, but I’m sure that I’m not.  I am sure there is a storm brewing and it’s coming. I can’t see it, but I can feel it.  It won’t be a violent storm, it will be one of eerie calm, but as full of energy as a violent storm that rages and destroys.

The damage left in the wake of the storm may not be total and complete.  It may not destroy anything, but nothing will be left unchanged.  Of that I can be sure.  Nothing will be left untouched.  Damage probably won’t be visible on the surface, but foundations will be shaken and crumbled. Nothing will be certain, or steady.  Everything will be balanced precariously on unsteady ground.  The effects of the storm could play out for some time.

I know there is a storm coming.  I don’t know when, I don’t know how big it will be, I don’t know what the aftermath will be. I am just preparing for it, already starting to accept the inevitability of it, and waiting. Praying and waiting.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Thanks to M, I have a new favorite website. ILP is a wonderful place to see other photographers work, get advice, learn new things, get help, share information and make friends with child photographers across the country.

So, today I’m hanging out there for a minute or two and happen to check out a post by one of the girls there about a photoshoot she did for NILMDTS (Now I lay me down to Sleep).  

I wasn’t sure what it was exactly, so I checked out their website and found myself moved beyond words and struggling to hold back the tears.  NILMDTS is a non-profit organization that provides photography services to parents who are experiencing an early infant loss.  “This is the place where NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP gently provides a helping hand and a healing heart. NOW offers a vital service to our community. For families overcome by grief and pain, the idea of photographing their baby may not immediately occur to them. Offering gentle and beautiful photography and videography services in a compassionate and sensitive manner is the heart of this organization. The soft, gentle heirloom photographs of these beautiful babies are an important part of the healing process. They allow families to honor and cherish their babies, and share the spirits of their lives.”

I have had family members experience a loss as profound as this, and I know that they did get pictures, although I’m not sure they were professional pictures.  I can not imagine the grief and the pain felt at that loss, but I can imagine the relief it would to have pictures of a tiny little loved one from the short time they spent here on Earth.

If you have time and would like to see some very beautiful, very moving photographs of some very tender moments, go check out their website.  It’s to beautiful to describe.

All she wants for Christmas

Ok, Christmas is a LLLOOOONNNNGGG way off, and really, that's just too long to wait for your 2 front teeth, but Newt is toothless. She has that cute toothless smile now that most kids have at this age. She can't smile without sticking her tongue through the hole created by the missing teeth.

I'm obsessed

This new ‘hobby’ of mine has completely sucked me in!  I now spend the biggest part of my time on the web camped at I Love Photography.com.  So many message boards, so much to learn, so many photos to look at and get inspiration from.  I love that place.

Now of course, I’m looking for other photography websites. And I’m looking for photo editing software, and curing my camera for not being digital and allowing me instantaneous gratification and realization of what I’ve photographed.  Working with film means I have to shoot an entire roll and then get it developed.  Oh well, I’m comfortable and familiar with film.  

At this point, even work is a bother, I could be out shooting up rolls and rolls of film and playing and having fun but instead I’m stuck here at work. Of course, work provides money needed to buy more film and processing and supports my new habit.  It also provides food and a home and all those other boring necessities.

Someday.  Someday I hope to maybe, just maybe, do some work as a portrait photographer. Nothing serious, nothing full time. I won’t give up my day job, my family’s gotta eat, but this could be so habit forming.

I am so loving this!

Ok I've been bitten and I'm in love!

Ok, I’ve been bitten and I’m in love! I am in love with my camera and the world I see through my lens.

I rushed out last night and had my first roll of film developed. Of the 20+ photos I took, there are probably only a handful of photos that are not altogether unfortunate. But it’s a learning experience, at least the first few rolls are. And I’m learning, A LOT!

• I’ve learned there is not nearly enough light, or not enough good light in my apartment of an evening. So, I need to take a few with my flash to see how those turn out.


• I’ve learned that in order to get good quality prints, you must pay for good quality developing. 1 hour just isn’t going to cut it.


• I need, need, NEED a great photo editor software program, because no matter how good the picture looks raw, it can always be tweaked to look better.


• When I get better at this, and start taking photos of other people besides my family, (and I’d love to get into portrait photography) I am going to have use better quality film.


• You get out of it what you put into it. You can only get mediocre quality when you use mediocre supplies.


• I’ve learned, I still have a lot to learn.

Chatting with M last night on-line, telling her all about my camera, she told me I got a great deal! I got a great camera, and the perfect combination of lenses. (Now if I can just learn how to use them.) She told me “Girl, you are so going to be rockin’ that camera!”. It’s funny, M never really got the hang of manual focus and film photography, and she is more auto focus and digital photography. I’ve always been around manual focus and film cameras and that’s what I’ve always wanted to explore.

Here’s one of my first pictures of my wonderful Nephew Duck. The color pic is mine. I sent it to M (thank you again, I love it!) and she edited it for me and sent the b&w pic back. This is why I need a great photo editor!

I love the b&w version. It makes the serious look on Duck's face even more dramatic. It's a rare find to see Duck without a smile, and his whole face lit up with the excitement of life. This is indeed a rare and precious picture. With his do-rag, I think he looks like a pirate.

I am on my way! I’m so excited!

I'm still so excited.. I just can't hide it.

I have been dying to try out my new toy but the weather has not cooperated with me at all.  It’s been cloudy and overcast and chilly since I bought the camera. That is, until today.  So, if I can get all my required stuff out of the way, then I might have time to take the kids outside tonight and get some shots of them in natural light.

I have received some pretty amazing emails from M since my last post.  She’s almost as excited as I am about this new venture.  She has offered advice, has sent me to her favorite photography website, where there are hundreds/thousands of people who are members and offer help, advice, support and encouragement, and comments about photographs taken by other members.  It’s an incredible place to learn and explore.  I can’t wait to spend hours at home on the website looking at other people’s work and reading posts on message boards.

I have contacted my sister and my best friend and asked them if they would allow themselves and their children to sit for photo sessions so that I can practice and learn.  They both have agreed and my children will breathe a huge sigh of relief, now they won’t be the only ones trapped by my drive to explore this hobby of mine. In exchange for allowing me to indulge this new found joy of mine, I have agreed that they will get a CD of all the photos taken at each photo shoot, free.  Of course, that may not be the great deal it sounds like, especially if I suck at this.

I’m lucky that my girls absolutely love being in front of the camera, Newt more than Tate, and they both photograph well.  But I also know that I can not count on that always being the case, eventually they will get tired of being the subject of my obsession.  

I am just so excited about finally owning a camera that I have always dreamed of owning but was always aware of the fact that I could never afford it.  It’s become my new obsession, at least for a while. So, please bear with me if I seem to ramble on and on about this.  The newness will wear off eventually.