I have a Date!

Things have settled down for me this week. Saturday was hard, really hard, and I don't know why exactly, except that it was. But I got through it. Sunday, which is usually my day haunted by demons, was a breeze. I found something worth while to focus on, and got through my day.

I posted 'He comes to me in my dreams' earlier this week. It was just another step towards me letting go of what used to be, and accepting what is right now. He got a copy of it too. It eliminated some of the awkward between us. Made it easier for us to talk.

And talk we did. We've talked via email and messenger all week, and it's been nice. The phone calls at night have started again. There is a comfortable ease between us now, familiar, safe. We've even been flirting, a lot. Probably more than we did when we were together.

We made a date, supposed to be last night, but well, the weather in St. Louis didn't cooperate with us. It was raining, supposed to snow. He told me "I still care about you, and want you in one piece, so don't come down tonight. We'll just plan on Sunday."

And so, Sunday it is. After he takes the kids home, when he's free to focus on me, on us, I'll be there with him. Are we back together? No. Are we talking? Yes. Is there hope? Always was. Do I think this weekend will change anything? I'm not sure, but I'll be there, for the night.

It's not forever, but it's a start. I'll take it. It's a step, a small step. I can't ask for more, accept only what he can give right now, and right now he's offering one night. He came to me, not in my dreams, but in the light of day.

I have found my twin!

They say that everyone has a twin. Some people are born with theirs and know them their entire life. The rest of us, well, it’s luck.

I seem to have stumbled across mine, in Blog-land. She lives in Tennessee, and I was bored one day, following links from other blogs, and found hers. What I read on her blog rang so true to me. I could very well have written some of it myself.

So, as I’m wont to do sometimes, I commented on her blog. She was talking about how her son wants to grow up to be an Army Sniper. I mentioned that my sister holds a long held dream of my son growing up to be a hairdresser just to thwart his father’s dreams he become an NFL quarterback.

That started an email correspondence today. The more we share in emails, the more alike we find ourselves to be. We are both single moms with teenagers, although her 13 year old is a girl and mine is a boy, (no they will not be meeting anytime soon, or getting together) A direct quote from her profile sounds just like me :

“I like the Charlie Brown specials that always come on during the various holidays. My two favorite television shows are: The Closer and Law & Order SVU. I feel things strongly...so if I am mad..I am mad...sad I am sad..happy I am happy. No in between. I will admit right now, I don't handle problems well...I have to panic first...try to fix it myself..then turn it over to God! When I know I should give it God first and not panic.”

She has a Knucklehead (my word, not hers) in her life. Her best friend, who is a guy, stopped by my blog today too, and sent me a message telling me that we are just alike and he believes we are twins. The more we talk, the more I believe he may be right. We even share the same name!

I have added her to my list of blogs linked on the right. Go over, visit her place. Tell her, The Other Becky says HI!

Thank you!!!!!

My friend M is the best. I raved about her a couple of posts ago, and I’m going to rave about her again today.

She may act tough as nails on the outside, but inside, where it counts, she understands love, romance, sentimental crap. She laughs at me sometimes, but she gets me, and she’s there for me.

I am working on some projects at home, that have to do with my photography, with Batman, and music. I am tapping into a creative vein I didn’t know I had. (Scary). I needed a soundtrack from this summer. I found all the songs I wanted, got the music together, and went to burn the CD only to discover much to my utter horror, the PC at work does NOT have a CD burner! WTF? It’s a god-damn Dell computer. You know, with Intel Inside? Yeah, Intel may be in there, but CD burner, nope, not there. DAMN.

So, I explain the entire situation to M, and she comes through for me. She gets all the music together for me and burns me the CD I need to complete the project I have in process at home. She knows what it’s for, she knows the story and the need behind it, and the mushy sentimental stuff behind it. She doesn’t judge, she doesn’t tell me it’s not a good idea, she knows why, she gets why, and she understands.

I’ve told her a HUNDRED times Thank you, today, but I will say it again, here. Thank you M for not laughing, for understanding, and for feeding my need to wallow in memories for a little while longer. Thank you for being honest, telling me what you think, and what I know in my head, but my heart doesn’t want to hear. Thank you for not offering me false hope, or for feeding my false hopes. Thanks for seeing what I think I see, when it’s really there, and thanks for telling me “I just don’t see it” when it’s not. Thanks for being in my corner, in our corner. Thanks for being our friend, even though you’ve never laid eyes on Batman. I know he considers you a friend still too.

Thank you for the help with the CD. I will share the finished project with you, when it’s done. I couldn’t have done it without you.

He comes to me in my dreams

He comes to me in my dreams. He tells me that he loved me, and he might love me again, but for now, he just needs time. He tells me that he still cares, but can’t put into words what he needs to say. He tells me that right now he can’t but won’t say never again. He says ‘Not right now, but maybe someday in the future. I just don’t know.’ He tells me he’s being honest, and I know he is. He doesn’t lie. He tells me the truth, as he knows it. He can not promise me anything, but will not rule out anything either. I try to listen with my heart, but the emptiness and pain get in the way.

Some times in my dreams, I can touch him. But only his physical self, not the emotional. His body is available, but not his heart. That is still guarded and protected and still off limits. I can see it in his eyes, but I can’t reach it. Like looking at it through a plate glass window. I see the love that was there, but has been set aside. I know it’s not gone, it’s just guarded now.

We talk, but it’s empty. We look for things to talk about, but there is this awkward pink elephant sitting between us, that we can’t seem to ignore, or get past. Things are not the same. Every now and then, the guard slips, the walls drop, and I can see into his heart. There is love there but they are just embers of a fire that is dying. There is hurt too. The love gives me hope. The hurt kills me, knowing I’m responsible for it. I can’t take it away, no matter what I do.

He comes to me in my dreams, but he’s no longer the man he used to be. I have changed him. I have hurt him, and that does not easily go away. We don’t know how to walk away from each other, and we can’t be together, not the way we used to be. We are trapped in between here and there, between dreams and awake.

He comes to me in my dreams. He offers me nothing more than he can give. He is honest and upfront about what that is, and what it isn’t. He gives me his time, his friendship, a warm embrace, sometimes a tender kiss, but not often. His voice on the phone still calms me, grounds me, centers me. He is still home to me, my rock, my calm, my safe harbor. That is asking a lot of him, but truly, his voice, his friendship, are enough for now. He’s my logic and my reason. There are memories of better times, happier times. There is also hope for someday, fleeting as it is. I accept only what he can give, and know better than to ask for more. Only time will tell what is in store for us. There is comfort in his friendship, there is sadness at what has been lost.

He comes to me in my dreams. I wait for him there. It is enough for now.

Welcome to the Neighborhood

Ok, guys, I have a list of blogs I visit on a daily basis. Some of the authors I know IRL and some only through blogs, I consider all of them friends.

So, today, (ok yesterday, actually) a friend IRL of mine, M, started her own blog. M and I used to work together at the accounting firm (with Big Boss..ya know, the perv?) Anyway, we have kept in contact since I’ve left.

M’s awesome, she’s tough as nails, but inside she’s got a soft side she doesn’t show many people. She’s been hurt before, wants to avoid getting hurt again at all costs. Who among us doesn’t? She keeps some people at arms length, even when she wants to be close. Can’t fault her that. But she’s good people. The people in her life, around her, create some crazy ass drama which can be very entertaining at times. When M decides she likes you, and befriends you, she’s loyal to a fault. She will defend you, she has your back, but she will also slap you upside your head when you’re being an idiot. She will be loyal to you till the end. Unless you betray her. Then you’d better hide, because she does not take betrayal lightly.

As I mentioned, she’s started her own blog on Blogger, and would like some company. So, if you have a few minutes, go over, visit her new home, drop in, say Hello, tell her I sent you, and make her feel welcome. She’s the new kid on the blog, and well, who wouldn’t like to be welcomed to the neighborhood?

Step by step...day by day..

I did lunch two days last week, with friends of mine. It was just lunch. Just friends. Yes, they were of the male persuasion. There was nothing romantic going on, nothing beyond friends.

But it was an eye opener. I left both lunches, and cried. Broke down and cried. Cried because I can’t do this. I can’t even be at lunch with a male friend because it’s just not Batman. I’m not ready to do this, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to do this. I don’t want to do this.

I told him (Batman) that I would never love anyone else but him. He was IT. There would be no one in my life after him. I would never love another, I would never date another, I would never sleep with another. Him or no one at all.

At the time he may have thought I was joking, and it may have sounded drastic and dramatic, but it was the truth, as I felt it, as I know it. I didn’t realize just how true it was until this past week, but now I know. There really will be no one else for me.

I knew that all along. I knew Batman was The One. I was so sure of it, that I burned every bridge I’d ever kept before. I told all the Knucklehead’s that I had met the man I was born to love. I walked away from all of them. I stopped calling them, stopped meeting them for drinks, stopped discussing the races with them. I cut all ties, burned all bridges. And never looked back, never regretted it. KNEW in my heart and soul, it was the right thing to do. Even now, in the midst of whatever this mess is we’re in, I can’t/won’t reach out to the Knucklehead’s. I don’t want them. I don’t want anyone. Except Batman.

Saturday was the worst day so far. Everything set me off. Not just tears threatening to spill, but gut wracking, soul emptying, crying. Crawl into bed and hide from the rest of the world. Breath and thought took too much effort. Nothing could distract me. Even my kids, god love them, with their hugs and kisses and attempts to understand, couldn’t help. And the guilt I felt for letting them see my grief, made everything so much worse.

One of the Knucklehead’s did call me last week, to see how I’m doing. I told him that my world had effectively fallen apart. His response? “So, your world fell apart, but you didn’t, did you? That is improvement, that is progress.” Yes, my world fell apart, but I didn’t. I may have crumbled, for a while, and at times, but I didn’t fall apart. I kept it together, I have weathered through it, and I continue on my path. Some days are harder than others, and some times take more effort than I think I can muster, but some how I manage.

I hurt. I miss him. I have a void in my life, and in my heart that he left behind. I love him still. I am waiting, and hoping, and still believing that in time, things will work out. In the end it will be OK. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end. And right now, it’s not ok, so it’s not the end.

A day at a time, a step at a time, whatever I can handle. Some days are easier than others, but I get through them all. Some days I look better at the end of the day than other days. Some days I’m still standing at the end. Some days I’m on my knees. Either way, I’m still breathing, and still hoping and still keepin’ on. The best that I can. The only way I know how, step by step.

Overheard at the office today...

"Why doesn't someone just come over here and shove a bunch of crap in this drawer so I can't find anything?
Oh wait, looks like someone already did!"

****************************************************************************

"Just keep those faxes coming in people. It's not like we have nothing else to do around here today."



I love my job...

How many of Me? How many of you?

Go check out this website: Click here

It tells you approximately how many people in the United States have the same first and last name as you.

148 people share my name

11 share Tate's

51 share Newt's

28 share Bo's

122 share Batman's

43 share Scooter's

52 share Princess's

Don't ask me why I checked on the last 3, you all know already.

How many share your name?

Girls and Guys

When you break a gal's heart, she still feels it when you run into each other 3 years later

When a gal is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind.

When a gal is not arguing, she is thinking deeply.

When a gal looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a gal answers, "I'm fine, " after a few seconds, she is not at all fine.

When a gal stares at you, she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

When a gal lays her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a gal says that she can't live without you, she has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a gal says, "I miss you", no one in this world can miss you more than that.

When a gal is mean to you after a breakup she wants you back, but she's scared she'll get hurt and knows you're gone forever

When a guy calls you he wants to be with you.

When a guy is quiet, he's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing, he realizes he's wrong.

When a guy says, "I'm fine" after a few minutes, he means it.

When a guy stares at you, he wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do.

When you're laying your head on a guy's chest, he has the world.

When a guy calls you everyday, he is in love.

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you he means it.

When a guy says he can't live without you, he's with you till you're done.

When a guy says, "I miss you", he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else

Our Story

Let me see if I can clear up some things. 3 months ago, I met Batman. I never really told anyone the story how we met.

I spent a weekend at the Lake this summer with some friends. A much-needed weekend away from my life. It was fun, it was relaxing. Nothing to do but swim in the pool, go out on the boat, b-b-q and drink a few beers. Nothing more serious to think about than, do I want another beer? While I’m there, they check their email, and there is an email from Plentyoffish.com, a free on-line dating website. One I’d never heard of, but since it’s completely free, why not.

I check it out when I get home, post a profile, and wait. I got a lot of hits. I made a lot of friends, chatted with a lot of people, but no one had ‘Meet in real life’ potential. Until I came across Batman’s profile. Something about his picture, something about his profile, kept drawing me back to him. So, I sent him a message, how he could find me on-line so we could chat.

Within minutes of sending that message, he starts chatting with me on line. Within the hour, we were talking on the phone. Often. A lot, hours at a time, about everything and nothing. The connection was instantaneous for both of us. It was nice, but it was somewhat scary how comfortable we felt with each other so quickly. That was August 2nd. The rest is history, as they say.

That weekend he took his kids camping at his brother’s place, but we spent the entire time on the phone. Sunday morning, at 6:00 he called me, he was up, the kids still asleep and he wanted to share a quiet early morning with me. I loved waking up with him, even if it was via phone. I distinctly remember thinking that weekend, “I love that man.” I wasn’t wrong.

Our first date was supposed to be August 9th, but he decided to surprise me and came up on the 7th instead. When we finally met face to face, it was as if I’d known him my entire life. It was so comfortable, easy, right. That weekend I went to his place and spent the entire weekend there.

When I got home, I had left him a letter that said…

I’ve been writing this letter in my head all weekend, praying you would hear what I couldn’t say to you. Time to put it on paper now, and tell you what I couldn’t say.

I fell in love this weekend, and it has nothing to do with my new camera. I fell in love with you, your kids, your parents, the entire family, but mostly you.

You asked me before, and then I wasn’t sure. I am now, more sure of this than anything else in my life. I love you.

The biggest regrets we have in life are things not done, risks not taken. I never want to regret not telling you how I feel. I want you to know, I love you. You may not be there yet, you’ll tell me when you are, but for now, know that I love you. Plain and simple, totally and completely, I love you.

I was right that day too. The very next day, while we chatted on line….

Batman: You have no idea how many times I had to catch myself from saying those words

Me: Why?

Batman: I didn't want you to think I was jumping the gun

Me: All I was waiting for was to hear you say them
Me: Feelings are never wrong

Batman: I agree
Batman: I LOVE YOU!!!! AND THE FEELINGS ARE REAL!!

I knew after that weekend, that I would marry him. He knew it too, we talked about it.

Batman: So this mean you are going to be around awhile I hope

Me: As long as you'll have me

Batman: I think we have already come to the conclusion that I feel the same about you that you feel about me.

Me: I'm in this for the long haul. I truly don't ever want to be with anyone else but you ever again

Batman: so when are we getting married then?

Me: Let's set a date

Batman: lol

Me: not the answer you were looking for?

Batman: I feel we should wait at least a few months before we jump into that. I didn't think you were coming back with that. But I do feel the same and don't want to be with anyone else. So it’s just a matter of time. You really caught me off guard on that one

Me: It really was off the cuff

Batman: I can see us spending the rest of our lives together. I do see a future and a very bright one.

I never questioned my feelings for him, NEVER. I always knew I would marry him someday. I knew he was the one for me. So, what changed? What happened? I happened.

I *never* doubted my feelings for him, but I began to question his feelings for me. I forgot men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. I forgot that men are like rubber bands, and they need to pull away every now and then in order to get close again. I forgot to trust that he was different from everyone who had come before him. I reacted instinctually, from my gut, from my past and assumed the worst. I let my demons whisper in my ears and I listened to their lies. I allowed the seeds of doubt they planted to take root and grow.

I assumed something was going on that truly wasn’t. I tried to talk to him, but because he was in that pulling away stage, he couldn’t talk to me. I forgot all that I had learned that was right, and reacted from all that I had learned that was wrong. I didn’t trust him, at the point I should have trusted him the most. I went looking for answers to questions he couldn’t answer for me. I went about finding answers, satisfying my own needs, instead of just trusting and respecting his needs. I never cheated on him. I did something behind his back, trying to find answers that I didn’t understand he couldn’t give me. I screwed up. Bigger than life. I know that now.

Lesson learned. I have apologized, repeatedly. He knows I am sorry. He knows that I love him. I know that he still loves me; he just can’t give me that love right now. But that doesn’t mean that he won’t in the future. I still believe he’s The One. I still cling to the belief we were meant to be. I know now, what I should have known all along. I can trust him, I can believe him, my past is my past and he’s not a part of that. He is my future. My feelings were real, and were right then, they are still real, and still right. I just acted wrong, because of my past, because of the ghosts that have never gone away.

Whew!

He didn't call last night. Not a big deal. Said he was going to The House to help Scooter with his science project. He doesn't lie.

He didn't call this morning on his way to work. Ok, again, not a big deal. Could have stayed at The House to help Scooter get the science project to school this morning. He said he was at The House last night. He doesn't lie.

I was worried there would be an ominous email waiting for me from him this morning. There wasn't.

Life's mysteries will be sorted out later today or even tonight.

I hate 13

Love is hard sometimes. It shouldn’t be, but sometimes it is. It’s really hard when you’re 13. Witness the drama that unfolded in my house last night….

I got home around 5:15-ish last night. Not late, by any means. When I got home, Bo was talking on his cell phone, and had been for almost an hour. I had some issues with that, (his chores weren’t done) but since one of the ‘demands’ in his father’s motion to modify was that I have no say over Bo’s phone usage, I let it slide. Let him see just how much his son would be on the phone, if left to his own devices.

He was apparently on the phone with his *new* girlfriend. Who happens to be in 9th grade (Bo’s in 7th) and has never laid eyes on my son. Her little sister is in Bo’s class. I have issues with this right off the bat. What does a 9th grader want with my son, whom she has never seen?

I did tell him he needed to get off the phone and do his chores. He hung up with her, and kid you not, hussy calls back 3 minutes later. When he doesn’t answer the phone, she hangs up and *immediately* calls right back, so I answer the phone.

Is Bo there?
Yes
Put him on the phone
Uh, I don’t think so, he can’t talk right now
When can he talk?
When I say he can.
Well tell him L called.
Oh, he knows.

In the next 90 minutes, the hussy calls my son no less than 14 times. He does not answer the phone b/c he’s eating dinner, taking a shower, doing the dishes. I tell him he can call her back after his shower. That’s when the real fun began.

He spends the next hour or so on the phone with her, listening to her chew his butt for not answering the phone when she calls, and threatening to ‘break up’ with him because of it. Oh, hell no. That hussy is not going to talk to my son like that. Who the hell does she think she is? So, I get on the phone with her.

Listen here, this is Bo’s mom, and you will not talk to my son that way. He has a life and responsibilities around this house that come before talking to you. You can leave him a message if he doesn’t answer and he’ll call you back when he can, but you will not control him like this.

After that little conversation with the psycho, she tells my son, “If your mother talks to me like that again, it’s over between us.” My son, who at this point has lost his mind, comes into my bedroom and tells me this. I simply say…’Hand me the phone.’

Instead, I call his father and get him involved. Maybe he can get through to our son, how completely insane this is. Uh, wrong. He’s pissed off that Bo’s been on the phone for over 2 hours tonight and has burned through over 120 minutes and jacked up the phone bill. (Uh, that’s what you get for telling me I can’t control his phone usage. You get outrageous phone bills. Wanna rethink that little demand you put in those papers? Yeah, I thought so.) He calls Bo, and starts to chew his ass (about the phone bill, not the psycho) and I can hear him yelling from another room. I go into Bo’s room to see what’s going on, only to find…(drum roll please…) Bo asleep with the phone on the nightstand, his father screaming his head off. Christ.

So, today, Bo will be given a different phone. One with no number pad on it, so he is limited to only calling preprogrammed phone numbers, and the phone will not accept any incoming calls from numbers not programmed in it. That solves the phone bill issue, but it does nothing to solve the girlfriend/boyfriend issue. The psycho girlfriend will be kicked to the curb today, but how do you explain to your 13 year old son that all that went on last night, was unacceptable? Poor kid, I’m telling this psycho hussy off, and he’s utterly mortified, and then apologizes to her for my behavior? Oh, wrong, wrong, wrong.

He doesn’t have to put up with that, and he sure as hell shouldn’t be begging her to not break up with him. He was all but begging her to stick around and abuse him some more. Oh, believe me, I can understand that, I can relate, I’ve been there. But it breaks my heart to see it in my son. It’s even more frustrating when his father completely misses the point of the whole situation.

I’ll let dad handle the phone bill issue. That seems to be the only problem he grasped out of the whole situation. I’ll deal with the more important issue, the emotional issue, the self esteem issue. God help us all.


ETA: His father just called, Bo has apparently used 400 minutes in 4 days. Hussy called and left a message for Bo "Hey Bo, It's over. If you want to know why, call me." His father said, don't even think about it. Christ the drama.

A Small Ray of Hope

Yesterday was Sunday. No surprise there. Around my house, that means RaceDay. NASCAR will be on, and I will be parked in front of the television watching. Been that way all season. Yesterday was no exception.

Sunday at Batman's house is not much different. Downstairs you can find football on the big screen. Upstairs, Zoom Zoom is on. B is sprawled out on his bed, watching the race, napping halfway through it.

3:00 my phone (the Batphone) rings, and it's him. I hadn't called or text messaged him at all. So I was surprised (in a really good way) that he called. I knew why he was calling... Zoom Zoom was on.

Hey B, what's up?

Nothing, got your message, thought I'd call.

I didn't send you a message today. That was yesterday, and we already talked. (Sounds like a good excuse to me)

Oh, I didn't see the date. Anyway, whatcha doing?

Watching the race. (He knows what I'm doing. He misses me! Hee hee)

At mom's?

Nope, I'm home.

Alone?

Uh, yeah, alone. (Jealous? Maybe? Please?) What's up? You ok? Sounds like something's bothering you? Kids better today?

Oh, just watching the race, thought I'd call. Yeah, kids are better today. Didn't sleep very well last night.

Oh, ok (missed me beside you, didn't ya? Yeah, I know how you feel.)

We talked for a while longer. He said he missed me. Said he would be taking the kids back to their mom's around 4:30-5:00, he would call when he left there.

I can't put into words why, but there is a small ray of hope there. We talked more last night, and really, what was said was completely unimportant. But he misses me, and we were closer last night than we have been in a while.

While I don't believe for half a second, things will turn around over night for us, I now have a little bit more hope that we might find our way out of this, eventually.

A Miracle has happened!

Yeah, not THAT miracle. Batman hasn't come to his senses just yet. This one is even BIGGER than that.

The Slug called me this morning (so much for restraining orders... sheesh) to tell me that the Sitter had rushed her husband Pop to the hospital this morning. Slug was pretty freaking unclear about details (he never was good at that, and when it comes to medical stuff, he's clueless) but said something about kidneys shutting down. It does not look very good right now. (Here's where the prayers/good thoughts are needed. Please send good vibes to Pops and The Sitter.)

So we will have to make other arrangements for the girls after school. He had the audacity to tell me I would have to take a few days off work to keep the girls. Uh, hello? Why should I miss work and not get paid, since you don't even have a job?
I start a new job tomorrow.

I guess when the judge tells him "You need to get a lawyer, like yesterday" mama done told him "You need to get a freakin' job, like 2 days ago." And wham bam, when you threaten him with court and custody, bingo, he all of a sudden finds employment.

Do you know what that means? DING DING CHA-CHING! That's right, the child support payments should start rolling in now, with every paycheck. Halleluja! Miracles never cease to amaze me.

And if a miracle of this proportion can happen, then Batman coming to his senses and working this out with me, well, that miracle should be no problem at all.

Today has been Hell,

Today has been rough, to say the least, the VERY least. It started at 5:00, wide awake, unable to sleep another minute longer. That's what time we would always start to wake up, even on weekends, even though we would linger in bed for a couple more hours, watching the news, drinking coffee. My internal alarm is now set for 5:00. Another reminder of another time.

I don't know how to get him him out of my head yet. There's no way to get him out of my heart. I don't know how to let him go, and still continue to believe we'll be together someday. That's too far away, and too painful, and right now it seem so damn impossible.

I don't know how to make the hurt go away. I don't know how to fill the void he has left in my life, in my heart. I have spent today in virtual hell. I have been home, alone today. My first weekend at home, alone, in 12 weeks. There have been times I have felt like I have run full speed right into a brick wall. The pain of being alone, away from him, takes my breath away.

Mom says "Get up, do laundry, clean the house, keep yourself busy." I can't. Breathing right now takes too much effort. I can't function today. I hurt so much. I know that it will get better, I know that this will fade, that I will go on. I just don't know how right now. I just don't want to right now. I don't want to be here, I want to be 'home' with him, where I belong, where my heart is.

Everything I have tried to tell myself in the past couple of days, is all beginning to sound like desperate attempts to fool myself into believing something that is highly unlikely. That hurts and scares me too.

I have no doubt in my mind, that I loved him, truly loved him. I still do. I knew from day 3 I loved him. I have no doubt that I truly believed I would marry him someday. It's hard to hold on to that belief and let him go at the same time. I believe he was The One for me. He was everything I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed of and so much more. I was so sure about all of this, that I told every other person in my life, I had found my Prince Charming, and I was done. I know I will never love another man, as long as I life. I know I will never sleep beside another man for the rest of my life. If I can't have Batman, I won't be with anyone else.

It's hard reconciling the two, holding on to the belief we are meant to be, and letting him go at the same time. I don't know how. I guess this is just a huge test of faith and trust, both of which I have in very short supply. Neither one are my strong suit.

I don't know how to do this. I'm not any good at it. It hurts too much. And yet, I will find a way to do it. I will find a way to go on. Baby steps for now, small, managable, moments in time. One breath at a time, even though it feels as if a ton of bricks are sitting on my chest, making every breath more effort than I can muster.

Pray, hope, faith, trust. What other choices do I have?

How do you.....

Say good-bye when you're not ready and it's not what you want?

Stop thinking about him every minute of every day?

Let go, when you believe in your heart he is The One?

Stop the pain and the ache and the emptiness in your heart where he used to be?

Learn to let go, and move on, when your mind is still hung up on what used to be, and what could have been?

Find answers the hundreds of questions that run through you mind all day long, that have no answers at all?

Stop looking for clues that this is going to work out in the end?

I have the best family! I love them, and they love me

It has been a really rough week, hell, 2 weeks. My heart has been through the wringer and my emotions have run the gamut. But I'm still standing, thanks to the love and support of my family.

I called my brother Wednesday night, right before my world fell apart. I knew it was going to, I knew the phone call from Batman that night was just perfunctionary, as we had already discussed the inevitable in emails all day. I called my brother, first to find out exactly how/when did he know that my SIL K was The One. I mean, I have thought (known) B was The One for me, almost from the beginning. But now, I was beginning to have doubts. Did I know it or was it just me hoping and reading way too much into things, (Again)? He knew within a week, even though they couldn't be together right away.

We talked, and he tried to explain the inner workings of a man's brain and his heart. What was said is just between us, but it was incredibly helpful and insightful, and explained so much to me. It gave me hope, but not false hope. He offered advise, his opinion, his love and support with no lectures. He was absolutely wonderful.

Yesterday, at work, I saw him on-line and dropped in to say thank you. Sent him a link to this blog, and he read it. We had another short, yet deep meaningful conversation then too. He gave me some things to think about, but mostly he was honest and didn't pull punches. He told me what he thought, and offered his support. Thanks Bud. I love you.

My sister popped in today, and from my previous post, you can tell, did her 'Sister Thang" with me, and pulled my head from my ass, cleared the fog that was clouding my brain, and pointed me in the direction I needed to be in to get my head straight too. She's good for that.

Then tonight, I didn't want to go home and face an empty apartment. I had just spent 2 exhausting hours at my attorney's office finishing the papers we need to file for the motion to modify. (That is another headache in and of itself, and well I don't want to think about it right now). So, I called mom and asked if I could come up and hide out at her place for a while.

Lucky for me, when I got there she was alone, and we got the chance to really talk. Even mom, in the midst of her own drama (her story to tell, not mine) was there offering support and encouragement. Telling me 'Don't give up on him. Do you love him enough to walk through hell for him? (I'm about to enter something much worse than Dante's Inferno) Do you believe in your heart, do you know beyond all doubt that he's the one? (I was pretty sure I knew that.) Do you believe it, even if he doesn't know it yet? (yeah, I know it, he doesn't get it yet, but I know). Then hold on to the hope, hold on the belief, hold on to the love. Even if he walks away, even if he dates other people for now, hold on to what you know.

Sis knew with her B that she was meant to be with him, even as he took pictures of her when she married someone else. Bud knew he was meant to be with K, even when he lived thousand of miles and several time zones, and states away.

Mom asked me Is this different than any other relationship you've had? (Yes) How? I instinctively know things about him, about us, before he does. I knew I loved him before I laid eyes on him. The first weekend I spent with him I knew I would marry him . I knew the exact moment he fell in love with me, long before he told me. I knew something was wrong, over a week before he did. I know when he's sick, I know when he's tired, I know when he has a headache. I know from the sound of his voice, exactly what is going on in his life that day. I know that I will never love another man. I know that I will never sleep beside another man as long as I live. If I am not with B, I will be alone. I have never questioned any of this. But I have questioned How do I know? Do I really know or am I just building up nothing into a whole lot of something it's not?

There has always been something different about my relationship with Batman. The dads' radar went off early (6 weeks into our relationship) that this one matters. Both of them, in a 24 hour period, asked me when I would be moving to be closer to Batman, and when we would be getting married. Everyone I have talked to (at least in my family, b/c I've only talked to them and him) has told me, if this is meant to be, it will all work out in the end. Just hold on to that. You both know that there are things you need to work out, but in the grand scheme of the rest of your life, even a year (if it takes that long) is a drop in the bucket.

So, thank you, Mom, Bud, Sis, for loving me, and supporting me. Thank you for offering you opinions and your advice. Thank you for the swift kicks in the ass when they are needed. Thank you for the tissues when they are needed. Thank you for believing in us as much as I do, and for telling me to never give up hope, to hold on to what I have. Thank you for pointing out things I didn't see with my own eyes, because I couldn't see past the pain and the hurt. Thank you for keeping me ever present in the moment instead of wondering off on a tangent of what used to be, what could have been, what I want to be. Thank you for pointing out the demons of my life that still need to be slain. I know that I will only truly be free to love Batman with all that I am, when the demons of my past all lay dead at my feet by my own hand. Thank you for not allowing me to hide from life, for not allowing me to wallow in self pity and depression this weekend. Thank you for showing me I am strong, and I can survive and do it gloriously this weekend.

Thank you for being my family. I love you all

Getting right in my head and heart

I have been held hostage this morning by my over-thinking mind, and my still raw emotions. I have caved to the depression, the hurt, and the tears. But once again, talking to my sister has cleared the fog in my head.

Sis popped up on my IM this morning, just checking in. Read my post from yesterday, and wanted to make sure I am ok.

Me: I still believe B is The One, and maybe we just need to go through this, he needs to go through this, before we can be together. Know what I'm trying to say?

Lil Sis: Sure, but I also think that YOU need to go through it, too, yes? I mean, I don't know what happened for certain, but I know for myself that when I screw up, the only way for me to fully learn a better way is to see the whole process through to the end. Maybe the lesson for you is at the very end? Or maybe you've already learned it? I mean, I don't know - it's not my place to guess. I just know that all things in life are processes - and usually the benefit of the process isn't achieved until the process is finished

Me: I learned, I could have trusted him, believed him all along, I just didn't see it b/c my past still clouded my judgment. When I asked him "If I hadn't done what I did, would this still be happening?" He answered "I don't know." So I know it wasn't just me, there were other things. I know what they were, to an extent

Lil Sis: well, it's gonna be a journey for certain.


I realized this morning, that I need to think things through and get things settled in my head and heart as well. And what Sis said rang true, made some sense. I reached down, deep inside, found the strength inside that I know I have, and pulled myself together.

I once asked Sis “How will I know when I have found The One?” and she told me, “When he is everything you’ve ever wanted, and all you’ve ever dreamed of.” I still believe that B was/is that for me. He was/is everything I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed of. I spent a long time, looking for the deal breaker, I never found it. He would constantly amaze me with all he was willing to do and give, with everything he was.

I believe now, that he’s just not ready for all our love could become, at least not yet. His divorce has not been final a full year yet. His relationship with EW (ex-wife) was 18 years long. He’s has admitted that he’s not ready to be a part of another full fledge family. He still needs time and space to find himself. I understand that, I’ve been there.

In all honesty, I am not ready to commit to all our love could be. Not yet. I may be free from my past according to the law, the courts and the state, but the reality of the situation is vastly different. The law, the courts, all decree that I am single and free to live my own life free from control, restraint, and interference from my past. That is not my reality.

The drama my past continues to create in my past, the fact that he exploits every possible angle he can find to control my life, makes me and my life just too much. There are still too many issues from my past that are unresolved, and will never be resolved as long as things continue the way they are. Those issues make my life difficult, and messy, ugly, and daunting to an outsider. It is unfair to expect an outsider to come into my life and accept all that baggage, when it’s not their battle in the first place. I truly should be completely free from my past, before I reach out and embrace what the future hints at for us.

I need time, and space, to free myself from the clutches my past still claims on my life. When I have successfully extracted my life from the tentacles of my past, when I can come to him free and clear, standing on my own, with my children, then, and only then can I expect him to accept me and my children. Then and only then can we begin to explore the true possibility of our life and love, the love that I know we are capable of having and sharing.

We both still have issues from our past that we need to work through. I have learned through all of this, that I could have trusted him all along, but I didn’t. I let my past cloud my judgment, and affect my present. I should have trusted him, trusted in us, given him what he needed with understanding and trust instead of freaking out with jealousy and insecurity. What he asked for, what he needed, or wanted wasn’t impossible for me to give. Ok, in all honesty, it *was* impossible for me to give but it shouldn’t have been impossible.

I believe that right now, it’s hard to walk away. It’s hard to admit the time is not right. It hurts to know that I know he’s out there, that I’ve have the incredible luck to already have loved him, but we’re not ready yet for all we could (will) be. I am in no way giving up hope. I am not in any way ending everything between us. I will continue to be his friend, I will continue to share as little or as much of my life with him that we can both accept. I will continue to keep the lines of communication open between us. If this love, our love, is truly meant to be, then we’ll come back together in the future, when we’re *both* ready and able to handle all that it will be.

Today would have been 3 months, last night we said goodbye*

Today would have been 3 months for us, last night we said Good-bye. For now.

Yesterday, as the solid ground I thought I had been standing on finally gave way, and I felt like I would crumble with it. I reacted with my guts, with instincts, with emotions. I forgot in the dark, all that I had learned in the light.

We talked via emails yesterday, and I felt like I was fighting for my life. I reacted with emotions. I forgot all I had learned in therapy, I forgot to step back, I forgot to set up boundaries. I forgot in the dark, all that I had learned in the light. Yesterday afternoon he stopped responding to my emails, and when he did, I stopped sending them, and finally took the step back that I needed. I stopped reacting with emotions, and started to think with logic and reason and calm.

I knew yesterday I wouldn’t be going ‘home’ to him, and I dreaded it. Yesterday morning I dreaded. Yesterday at lunch I avoided the apartment, I didn’t want to be there. At 4:30 I dreaded it. At 5:00 I left work with a heavy heart. Every breath was an effort, every step taking me closer to a place I didn’t want to be. My heart screamed to go ‘home’ but my head knew home wasn’t there any more. It had to be here. At 5:15 I walked into my empty apartment, and welcomed the quiet and the solitude. I didn’t think I would be able to do that, but I did.

I sat down with my notebook journal and wrote “I am numb and resigned. There is nothing left to feel, and nothing left to do. It’s over, and I have to accept it. I have beat myself up emotionally today, and would have worn myself out trying to change his mind long before I gave up. Begging, pleading, crying would do no good. His mind is not to be changed, and I realized that if I had tried he could very well have ended up hating me.”

I know that I can not lay the blame for this at his feet, but I refuse to shoulder the blame for it alone. We both share in that. I did what I did, and I have my reasons, none of which excuse it. I asked him last night, “I had not done what I did, would this still be happening?” and after a long silent pause, he answered honestly, “I don’t know. There has been so much going on and I was feeling so overwhelmed and stressed. I just don’t know.” I am not wholly to blame for this.

My sister told me once “If we can allow ourselves to truly be present, in the moment with ourselves and if we can trust that the universe can lead us to things when we’re ready to be led to them, then the end result is ultimate growth, empowerment, expansion, wisdom, courage, strength, and a deep and sincere understanding of our worth and our sense of self and our meaning for being on this planet.” I had spent so much time and energy focusing on what was, what could have been, what might be, what I wanted to be, that I wasn’t accepting what was. In not accepting what was, I was making myself sick, trying to control something completely out of my control. It was only when I accepted what knew was inevitable, was I able to say Good bye to him on my terms, in my own way, and gain back some degree of control over the situation.

My mother tells me I have the blood of warriors in my veins, and I come from a long line of strong women. It’s time I found my strength and join their ranks. I have made decisions regarding my future. I have made a plan, with his support, and his encouragement. I have started that journey and I will not stray. With or without him in my life, I will follow this path to the end, because it is the right thing to do.

There is a fine line between blind faith and complete denial. I’m not sure exactly what side of that line I’m on right now. I know that I love him, I know that he still loves me, I know there are issues that need to be resolved first. I have faith that we will find a way back to each other someday. We may have closed a chapter in our story, but we have not closed the book.

*I wrote a way better version of this post last night, but god damn computer screwed the file up when I saved it this morning, and now it is forever lost.

Is there a distinction between Blind Faith and Complete Denial?

I won’t blog about it all today, because there is much left unresolved. There is much to work out and talk about tonight, and still so many questions without answers. Promises made that now can’t be kept. Plans made based on those promises, and then acted on, now I’m adrift in an ocean of uncertainty.

Lost and floundering, drowning in emotions too real and too raw to even think about let alone touch. So many wants and needs that will go unanswered, leaving gaping holes in my heart and soul.

Ambiguity is a double edge sword. Offering hope when in reality there probably is none. In trying to avoid the inevitable, it makes the truth much much worse.

I have hit my brick wall, and I just want to lay down and be done. Every minute is a lifetime. Every breath takes too much energy. I want nothing more than ‘home’ and now it seems home is gone. I have nothing, I feel nothing. Tomorrow is a hell I don’t want to face. I don’t want to face anything without him.