Tuesday, April 25, 2006

As if I need another reason to hate his guts as much as I do.

Remember when I said the system works?  Yeah, well, the freakin’ joke’s on me.  It works alright, to help screw over the people it’s designed to help.  And it helps the enemy continue to screw over the victims.

Child support enforcement just cut a check to my ex husband in the amount of $431.00 as a refund of an overpayment.  The problem with that is he still owes me $450 for this month’s child support.  Hell, 2 freaking weeks ago he was $965.00 behind and now all of a sudden he’s current and deserves a freakin’ refund when I haven’t seen a payment in 3 freakin’ weeks now!  How the hell is that even remotely possible? What alternate universe are they living in where that makes perfect and logical sense?  It’s got to be the same alternate universe where it’s logical that my first ex husband is dating my second ex husband’s mother, where normal isn’t normal any more.

Seems to me he’s once again learned how to play the system and manipulate things in his favor and he’s managed to screw me and his children yet again out of money we need and deserve.  How is it our divorce has been final now for 2 years and yet he still gets the pleasure of screwing me?  And nothing’s changed from when we were married. It’s still all about him, it’s never any good, I never get to enjoy it, it’s over with almost before I’m aware of it, and it leaves me pissed off at him.  

God, when, when when do I get my life back?  When will he ever go away?  When will he ever stop fucking my life up?  When will he stop making my life miserable, impossible, and difficult?  Why am I destined to continue to clean up the messes he makes of my life and how is it he continues to get away with doing this to me without any repercussions at all?  How the hell does he manage to do that?

I hate him, now and for always.  I despise him, I wish with every ounce of my being that he would somehow just disappear from my life.  I hope he suffers a long and painful death to make up for the pain and suffering he’s put me and our children through.  No, I don’t wish him a long and painful DEATH; I wish him a long, painful, lonely, miserable life, somewhere far far away from me and my children.  Somewhere along the lines of hell.

And that’s another thing. I love my children, and I don’t regret them for a minute. My only regret, and trust me it’s something I regret clear to my very core, is that he’s their father.  I hate him, now and for always.  Trust me, if there was a way to get him out of my life and their life forever, I would be the first one to jump on that bandwagon.  He’s horrible to them, horrible to me, and frankly we all would be so much better off and happier if he would just drop off the face of the earth forever.  Or do us all a great big favor; get run over by a train.

I hate him with a rage that burns hotter than a thousands suns, a rage that consumes every cell in my being, a rage that transcends life and reason and logic.  

You know, 2 years ago when he tried to kill himself and he called me to come pick up the girls so he could do it?  I am so eternally sorry that I didn’t drop everything, and drive like a bat out of hell to get the girls.  I will be sorry for the rest of my life that I stopped him, that I talked him out of it, that I helped him change his mind.  I will regret that decision until my dying day.  Because of my stupidity, he’s been walking around, living, breathing, and apparently screwing me over for the last 2 years.  We all would have been better off if he had just followed through with it and if I had let him.  Unfortunately, I will never get that chance again.  Damn, a missed opportunity.

I hate him, now and for always.

No comments: