Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The Fool

How many times have I over analyzed everything, worried myself half to death, only to find out everything is fine and has worked itself out and there was never really anything to worry about?

And another question: How happy can I really be when I worry about every thing, and I am always scared he’s leaving, or we’re done? How secure can I be in us when I don’t trust and believe in us?

Why do I always think he’s going to shove me away, end us, walk away when he has absolutely no reason to do that?

Sometimes you have to wallow in your past feelings to let them go once and for all. Right now you're stuck in a weird loop that needs some serious attention before it will pass

That’s Boo’s horoscope for today.

I haven’t mentioned this yet, but I guess now’s a good time.

Sunday he asked me if he should call JC, his ex, just to see how she’s doing. It’s been a year since they’ve seen each other and 6 months since they’ve talked. We had spent the afternoon looking through his photo albums again, trying to find pictures he could frame and hang in the new house. How do you look through pictures of his past and not see hundreds of pictures of her, of them, when they were together for so long? The trip down memory lane just stirred up a lot of old feelings that he hasn’t come to terms with yet.

I asked him, “What exactly do you expect to gain from talking to her?”
He said “Nothing”.
Then he said “If I call her, I’ll probably just end up getting hurt.”
My response was “I can promise you, someone will definitely end up getting hurt.”
Yeah, me”
“Oh, probably not as much as you think.”

I knew if he called her, yes, he would probably get hurt, because he wouldn’t get the results he really wanted. But I was absolutely confident that if he called her, I would be hurt.

I know he’s still not over her, I know he still has feelings for her. It’s safer to cling to the memories of her, and cling to that love than it is to open his heart up to someone new and risk getting hurt all over again. After all, continuing to love her means he already knows just how much she can hurt him, because she already has. She can’t hurt him any more, she’s not a part of his life anymore. 10 years is a long time to share your life with someone. It would be easier for him to let her go and get over her if they had ended badly, but they didn’t. The relationship ended because they found a sticking point they couldn’t agree on, or compromise on. His heart is still hers whether she wants it or not, at least for the time being.

I know that he’s got to find a way to let go of his past, and stop letting it control his life. I’ve been there, it’s not easy. Sometimes even now, my past still creeps in and takes control of my head, my heart, my emotions, my reactions. I know that sometimes the only way to get over something is to completely submerse yourself in it until it no longer holds any power over you, until you no longer want any part of it. I know that the only way to let go of the past is to face it head on and deal with it, the good, the bad, the happy and the sad. I can’t do that for him. I’m not even sure I want to do that with him. But I will, if he asks me to.

I’ve seen umpteen million pictures of the two of them together. I know about the trips they took together. I know that when we went to Daytona it was not his first race, she took him to several races when they were together. I’ve seen (but not watched) video tapes of their trips together (although I have never watched a minute of them). I wanted to hate her for keeping his heart locked up, away from me, out of my reach. But it’s not her that has his heart locked away. She’s done nothing. It’s him, it’s his choice. I wanted to dislike her and be angry and in a way hate her, but I found that I couldn’t. I don’t know her so I can’t form any real opinions about her, but what I know, I couldn’t hate her. After all, she loved him once, and I can understand that. She is a part of his history, a part of his past, and she is a part of who he is today, she helped make him the person I know and love. I can’t be angry about that either.

The Fool
Lee Ann Womack

I know love is a fragile thing
And I’m trying hard to make it last
But it ain’t easy holding on to my dream
When he’s holding on to the past
Just one more thing before I go
I’m not here to put you down
You don’t love him and that’s a fact
Girl I’ve seen you around
But you hold his heart in the palm of your hand
And it’s breaking mine in two
’cause I’m the fool in love with the fool
Who’s still in love with you

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