The First Game of the Season

Bo is obviously #66. They lost last night, got their butts handed to them on a silver platter. The other team was just more of a team. For a while I thought our boys thought they were playing freeze tag instead of tackle football. They will have to learn to follow through with the plays and take the other guy out, not just tag him. But it will be a good learning experience anyway.

So, here are a few pictures of the football jock, and some of this team from last night. I'm sure there will be more in the weeks ahead. Please be patient with me, I'm a proud mama showing off my little boy who's growing up. 

My Football Stud

Let me preface this post with a resounding *I KNOW* the 2nd picture is out of focus. No excuse for it, but there it is. Deal with it or move on.

Yes, that is Ian, wearing his official game jersey. Brought it home last night, and his first game is tonight @ 5:30. And since it's a home game, the boys wore their jerseys to school today. As B says, the girls will drool, the guys will think he's cool, and the testosterone will be running high. I remember the football teams in high school wearing their jerseys on game day. Yes, the testosterone will definately be running high today.

Good Luck tonight Bo! I know you'll do Great! I'm proud of you! 

Slaying my dragons

I am my own worst enemy. I still haven’t quite mastered separating the past from the present. I still let old fears and gut reactions to actions take over and I am in danger of losing the best thing that has happened in my life.

I am fighting stupid insecurities and I don’t know why they have surfaced. I don’t know what the trigger is, or why they are here, haunting me. It is like Pandora’s Box has been opened, and the demons have been let free, and they have targeted me.

I got an email from a friend of mine, and instead of ignoring it I acted on the insecurities I would have done well to ignore. I knew the truth, I knew the answer and I should have trusted it and let sleeping dogs lie. Instead, I opened the box further and unleashed even more daunting, more real demons.

I have heard people talking about their Princess of Paranoia, and I know that I have my own Duchess of Doubt. But really, my issues, my fears, my insecurities are more like demons and dragons that need to be slain, rather than a Princess or a Duchess. I feel more powerful when I have a dragon lying dead at my feet, than I would if I had just sent a princess packing for a while.

I don’t know what brings the dragons out of their lairs, I don’t know what awakens them, or stirs them into the frenzy they are in when they finally reach me. Maybe I have my own Princess of Paranoia and she awakens them and sends them to feed on the fears I already have. I know that unless I stand up and fight back the dragons, they will continue to come around, bigger and uglier, meaner and fiercer than before.

I know that I have a knight who would fight the dragons for me, but that victory would be his, not mine, and hollow to me. I need to face this dragon, toe-to-toe and fight it, and slay it alone. Only then will I truly be free of its grip on me. I don’t know how to fight it, and I don’t know how to win, but fight it I must. I have to find a way to overcome and win the battle, against the odds it stacks against me. For until I do, it will continue to feed on my very happiness and destroy the one thing I treasure most. After all, don’t all dragons steal and hoard treasures untold? This dragon threatens to steal my biggest treasure, and I must fight to defend and protect and save it from the damage my dragon threatens to do.

Once again I will pick up my armor, gather my shield, wield my sword and prepare for battle. I will fight to the death, to protect that which I have found and that which is mine. I will not lose the one most precious to me, not to this dragon who is more smoke and puff that anything real. It is based on a past, that haunts me to this day, but based not on anything real. Even though the fear and insecurities it alights in me are both very real. I know that I have the weapons I need at my disposal, I just have to remember how to use them best. I will win this fight, because my life, and that of my beloved, depend on it. 

It is what it is and nothing more. It's not enough...yet

I just got off the phone with my lawyer, and according to her, there really isn’t a damn thing I can do legally to stop the assault The Slug’s family has launched against me. Nor is there anything I can do to get full custody of the girls, or terminate his rights. I guess him being an asshole just isn’t enough reason to get him out of their life.

I can list reason after reason why I want him completely out of their life, and mine, but the law doesn’t give a shit about my reasons. He still takes his visitation, even though he uses that time to make their life a living hell. He’s behind on his child support, but only less than $600, and we can’t do anything legally until he’s closer to $5000 behind. Until his brother is convicted of his sexual misconduct, I can’t even keep that child molesting monster away from the girls. The Slug doesn’t have to let them participate in any extracurricular activities, and I can’t make him. I can’t even move out of the area and get away from the assault they have launched against me, unless I go to court and fight to be allowed to provide a better life for my girls.

Even if B and I get married, I will have to go to court to be allowed to move them out of the area. Even though B and I together can provide the girls with a happier, more stable, better life and home environment, The Slug still has the right to prevent that. And I know he would. Not because he thinks he can do a better job of raising them, but because he would do anything to prevent me from being happy and having a better life.

I am calling my lawyer to find out if I truly am tied to this area until the girls are out of school. If I am required to stay here until Newt reaches 18 then I’m going to be really upset that my lawyer allowed that to get into the papers.

Tell me if I’m wrong, but really, we can fight anything out in court. I can give him the 60 days notice, I can prove that it will be to provide the girls with a better life, and even if he wants to contest it, ultimately the judge will have to decide. Am I willing to risk it all and a roll of the dice?

It all boils down to this. After the assault that was launched against me, I am leaving this job. I don’t know that I have a choice. For now, the Big Boss is siding with me, but he made it clear, if the Ex MIL and the family at large continue to raise a real stink about my employment here, he will have no choice but to terminate me. Fine. That tells me all I need to know, right there. For now, I am safe, but in the grand scheme of things, his clients mean more to him than his employees, or at least me. He won’t stand behind me, he won’t defend me, I’m not as valued as they are, time to cut my losses and go.

So, having reached that decision, I now have to decide, do I stay in this area and find yet another job, and pray that they don’t come after me there, and allow The Slug to be an ass to me and the girls, or do I cut all ties here, get the hell out of Dodge and move closer to Batman and start over fresh?

The more I think about it, I think that moving closer to Batman may be jumping the gun a little (ok, a lot) because really, we don’t have anything solid yet. He said to me: “I couldn't promise you anything as you know but I do believe we could have a future. I do think about it often.” Ultimately though the decision has to be about what is best for me, and the kids, and can’t include him at all. According to him, he has to be taken out of consideration in this decision, he can’t factor into it at all.

And that right there sports fans is the answer to my problem. I can leave this job, but I will not move the kids. No matter how much better our life could be without The Slug and the family at large, the fact is, Batman can’t be counted on to be there. I know that the decision to uproot everyone and move is solely mine, and the move is my responsibility alone. I know that I would be moving there with no promise of a safety net, with no guarantee of anything beyond today. I am just not prepared to make that kind of leap of faith. The truth is, he’s not as sure about us as was, not as sure about his feelings for me as I am about mine. And I can not risk my family, my kids, my life on something that uncertain.

I want my life back...at any cost

At what point exactly does my life become wholly my life? When exactly will my ex and his family get their fucking noses out of my business? Oh, and leave it to me to unite a divided front. I have managed to do single handedly alone, without any effort, what they themselves couldn’t do for 30 years.

Apparently, C2 has set Tate down and interrogated her and pumped her for all the information he can possibly get out of her about my life. Who I’m dating, how often we see each other, where he lives, what are his parents’ names, where am I working, how late, how much money do I make. You name it, if she even has an inkling of any information he’s pried it out of her against her will.

It has come to his mother’s attention that I work for an accounting firm here in town, that once upon a time, did her taxes. As I’ve stated in previous posts, big hairy fucking deal. I don’t care. Apparently this firm does her taxes, C2’s father’s taxes, C2’s father’s girlfriend’s taxes, C2’s Aunt’s taxes, and Lord knows who else. They are apparently scared to death I am going to get into their personal returns and sell that information or use it. What the fuck ever. Frankly the only people who truly care about their finances are them. Nobody else gives a shit. They truly aren’t as important in the world as they would like to think.

Anyway, C2’s mother, father, aunt, Lord knows who else have all called my boss, and have not only expressed their concerns, they have demanded my job. They want me fired. They want me out on the street tomorrow, if not today, and they want me gainfully unemployed and destitute. At the same time they are demanding my head on a silver platter, they are claiming to love my children with their entire heart and soul. That’s funny. Because if I am gainfully unemployed, then who will be providing for the girls? Surly not them or C2, he’s unemployed too at the time.

Now, they obviously have an over inflated ego problem if they think for half a second that I actually give a good god damn about them at all. If they honestly think I would risk my job waste my precious time rifling through their files for information they are stupid beyond belief. I mean, really, who the fuck do they think they are? Why do they think that anyone, least of all me, would give a rat’s fucking ass about them? I divorced not only C2, but his whole entire fucking family! I don’t talk to them, I don’t want anything to do with them. I try my best to ignore them and pray to god they would just disappear, and yet they keep sticking their fucking noses in my business.

At what point exactly does my life become my life to live without ANY fucking interference from them? At what point do they get to keep their god damned nose out of my life? Yes, I can understand their concern, sort of. But steps have been taken on our end to ensure that I don’t have access to any of their personal records. I am well aware of these steps, and am not offended or opposed to them. In fact, I kind of like them and welcome them because now should something happen, my ass is protected by the very safe guards put in place to protect them.

As for what I've done? I've single handedly united a divided front. Ever since C2's parent's divorce, his father' s family has shunned his mother (with good reason, let me tell you. She's a fucking bitch) but now, apparently I am the bigger of the two evils, because it seems that they have joined forces to try and get my job. C2's parent's are talking and the aunts and uncles are now including his mother in their battle plans. Probably more correctly, she has engaged them to join her army, as I am sure she is leading the battle, taking charge and launching this attack on me.

I truly just want my life back. I want my life to be my own without any interference from them. I want them out of my life completely and totally. It’s been 2 fucking years and they still have their far stretching tentacles stuck into my life. Will I ever be free of them? Ever? And at what cost? What will it take to get my life completely free of them? I’ll pay it, whatever it is.
I just want to be free, I want my life back. I want them to leave me the fuck alone.

Too Cute for Words

I will admit to having a girl crush on Reese. I'm sorry, but she is just too cute for words. She always looks good. So, when I find my genie in a bottle, I'm gonna rub it extra hard, and wish, just for one day, to be Reese. 

More questions, still no answers

Yesterday, the world, (ok, my boss and my ex husbands – yes plural) had more than just a passing interest in the state of my union with Batman. (yes, the man really needs a new nick name).

Newt had a parent meeting last night, and of course, we both needed to attend. After the meeting, C2 asks me “So, is he good to the girls?”

What?

Is he good to the girls, that’s all I want to know.

Yeah, he good to the girls. He’s better to them than you are.

Whatever.

Well he doesn’t yell at them, hit them, he listens to them, talks to them, he actually cares about them and their life and he spends time doing things with them.

He better not f@*king hit them.

Yeah, that’s reserved just for you.

Whatever.

You know, if you’re so worried about people being good to the girls, you might want to take a good look around your world. After all, your heifer bitch girlfriend is a hateful hag to the girls, and your brother doesn’t know how to keep his hands to himself.

So, what am I looking at?

What are you talking about?

Well, you spend a lot of time with him.. when are you moving down there?

Uh, yeah, I spend every weekend with him, but as for moving down there? I promise you I will not move while the kids are in school this year.


I understand the concern when it involves the kids, but I don’t have the answers to the questions being asked. For once in my life, everyone in my life is questioning my relationship, and the future, more than I am. That speaks volumes to me.

Couldn't be more Proud

Yes, that good looking young football player, yeah, the one on the left, yeah, that's my son. My baby is no longer a baby, no longer a child, he is knocking on the door of manhood. He looks so mature, so grown up, so big in those pads. And to see him play? This boy..er guy looks damn good on the field. He knows what he's doing and looks good doing it.

Football has helped his struggling self esteem, he's finding himself, finding his place in the world. Sometimes I wish his father would let go a little (OK a lot) and let him flouder and stumble along the way, for it's the only way Bo will grow and learn and stand alone. But that is another post entirely.

Last night, for a while, he was a BMOC (Big man on campus), he was A Football Player. And last night his father and I got a glimpse of things to come. Bo's going to be great. 

Wait and see

There seems to be an increasing interest in my personal life today.  I don’t know what prompted it, I don’t know why, but apparently my personal life, and my future seems to be endlessly fascinating to not only my boss, but my ex husband too.

First of all, my boss and I were having our morning meeting, and that usually includes a lot of BS on his part.  So, I listen to him regale me with stories of tenants he’s had to evict from rental properties he’s owned in the past.  

Then, completely out of left field, we are on the subject of me.  And out of the blue, he says something along the lines of “Well, I give you 6 months, you’ll be getting married and moving away.”  Uh? Hello?  I don’t think so.  In fact, I can guarantee you I won’t be getting married in the next 6 months. I won’t be moving in the next 6 months. I won’t be leaving in the next 6 months.  I can almost guarantee you none of that will happen in the next 12 months.  Somehow I don’t think he believed me.  No matter. I know the truth, and I promise everyone here, I will NOT be getting married, nor will I be moving away in the next 6 months.

Then I get the following email from Bo’s Dad:  
I need to ask you a question. You seem to be spending quite a bit of time with this B guy from St Louis. How serious is this?

I respond with:  Why do you need to know?

I get this:  Well, you're driving down there a lot, you're going down for a family reunion this weekend and he's been up here a few times. Sounds like it's getting pretty serious and I would like to know how serious this is.

By this time I’m mad that he’s nosing around.  I mean, really, what business is it of his?  I can see if it affected him, but right now, my relationship with Batman does not affect him at all.  So, I respond: You know, all you really need to know is that Bo is fine.  Bo likes B, and B likes Bo, you could tell that by the way Bo jumps on the phone every night after practice and tells B all about it.  Really, my personal life is just that, my personal life.  If this gets to a point that it will effect Bo’s living arrangements, (and therefore your visitation schedule) then I will be sure to give you the required 30 days notice as stated in our divorce.  Until that time, if that ever arrives, my personal life is really none of your business. I do not owe you an explanation of any sort regarding my personal life. I don’t ask about your personal life, I would appreciate it if you would stay out of mine.

Why is it that my ex’s seem to have forgotten that the very same divorce papers that granted them their freedom to live their life the way they saw fit without any interference from me, also granted me the very same freedom?  Yes, I understand that I am the mother of their children, and they have a right to know that their children are being well taken care of.  The fact that I’m their mother should be reason enough for them to believe that.  I mean, doesn’t it stand to reason that if they honestly believed I could not take care of the children, they wouldn’t have agreed to have kids with me in the first place, and they would have taken full custody of the kids from me in the divorce?  

I am required by the divorce to give no less than 30 days, but up to 60 days notice of any change in residence, if at all possible.  That’s it.  And should Batman and I decide this is where we want to be and that the only place we can be together is away from here, then when we get to that point, I will let the ex’s know.  But until then, until the day I actually move away from here, my personal life, is just that,*my personal life*.

If/when B and I ever get to the point we want to make this legal, believe me we know there will be many hoops through which we will have to jump in order to combine our two families.  I have two exes who will undoubtedly have something to say about the matter.  Already, neither one of them can keep their mouths shut, and their nose out of my business.  B’s ex has already tried to convince him to move *closer* to her so that he can have the kids more often.  I seriously doubt she will be happy with the prospect of him moving closer to me.  And that is yet another thing to determine.  We don’t know if we will ever live together, we have to get to that point first.  Then we have to decide where.  

It just seems like there is a lot of undue pressure on me today, especially, to define my relationship with B and predict our future and defend our decisions.  Really, people, we’re the ones who have to make this decision, let us make it when the time is right *for us*.  Believe me, we will let everyone know, in due time.  Right now, we’re just finding out who each other is, and who we are together.  

We’ve just fallen in love; there are a lot of things we need to sort out along the way.  Things like: he likes coconut, and I hate it.  I like artichoke hearts, he doesn’t.  He likes Formula 1 racing, I’m clueless about it. (but I’m learning)  He likes the Rams, and I prefer the Chiefs.  He likes golf and tennis; I’m just learning to like them.  Naps are a luxury on the weekends that he insists on and I am getting spoiled by.  There is still the argument where he claims his jeans should fit me, and I think he’s bumped his head.  And that’s just the important stuff, we have yet to get into the trivial things like money, cars, cleaning the bathroom, does the toilet paper go over or under (Over buddy, don’t fight me on this one), dogs vs. cats.  

Yes, our lives, and our families blend beautifully… on the weekends.  But it’s a long way from weekends to every day.  There are many hurdles to be cleared just between the 2 of us, let alone the 5 kids involved.  And all of that must be settled before we can even begin to think about including other people, outside of our immediate family.  Maybe I’m wrong, but I think that bosses and ex-spouses fall somewhere outside of even that realm.  

I guess what I’m getting at is this.  Our relationship is still so new and there is still so much we don’t know yet about each other.  Asking me to define and defend our relationship right now is asking too much.  Yes, we’ve talked about ‘what if’ and yes we discussed different possibilities and options, yes we have looked down the road towards a future together, but we both know we’re not there.  We’re looking at where this could go, but we both know that our feet are firmly planted on the ground of today.  If this is truly meant to be, then there is no rush to make it permanent.  We know that we can take our time, get to know each other, let the kids form a family in their own way, on their own terms, in their own time.  Forcing it won’t work.  Same goes for you guys, forcing us into something we’re not ready for yet won’t work.  We want to work together to build a strong and solid foundation to build a life and a family on.  That takes time.  But it will be so worth it in the end.  Just wait and see.

Animals of a different kind

My three monkeys visiting the Cincinnati Zoo. It's rare that I get Bo in a picture at all, even more rare that I can get the 3 of them together without bloodshed and tears.

There will be other pictures from Cincinnati posted here, and also at my other blog, "Chasing My Dream" Go check 'em out. 

A few from the Zoo

Just a few pictures of the kids from our trip to Cincinnati. Dad and C took us to the zoo our last morning there, and the kids had a ball. Yes, that last one is me, with a bird sitting on my shoulder. 

My Decathalon This Morning

I came in to work this morning and was greeted by a desk covered with file folders covered in post-it notes, with instructions scribbled on each of them.  In other words, I walked into a headache waiting to happen.

Big Boss had a meeting with a client this afternoon, and was scheduled be there by 11:00.   I had 3 short hours (and based on the looks of my desk the 3 hours would indeed be short ones) to weed my way through this mess, make heads and tails of his scribbled short hand notes, print, collate, copy, sign, file, bind, check and double check everything he needed for this meeting.  

Oh, and did I mention he’s been sick all week, can’t talk above a whisper, and the medication he’s on, knocks his ass out, so he’s been late every day this week.

Once I got the files sorted, read and deciphered the notes, I realized I had 2 tax returns to print (3 copies each) and 5 monthly reports to print (4 copies each. Cover sheet and cover letter on cream paper, the report on white), sign all of this in all the appropriate places, get mailing envelopes together and all the files needed for his meeting.  True to form, he was running late, so no help there.

When Big Boss does manage to make it to the office (at 9:30 – less than an hour before he has to leave to make the meeting on time) he looks over the tax returns and finds an error he missed at 11:30 last night.  Oh joy!  He corrects it, (that means, changing all of 2 numbers) and you guessed it, I have to print, collate, file, and sign the entire return (all 3 copies) all over again.  And this is not a small tax return.  Oh, hell no, we’re talking 259 pages!  

Did I forget to mention that my office is upstairs, his is downstairs and we don’t have an elevator?  That would be too easy, instead, we have a really fun spiral staircase!  Oh joy for me.  And today of all day’s I *didn’t* wear my track shoes, nope, for me it was the 3 inch heels.  And did I also forget to mention that during this process there was at least 15 trips up and down said stair case in the before mentioned heels?  Yeah.

Big Boss did not make it out the door until 11:15 this morning, (yeah, a little late) and apparently he didn’t make it out the door with all the tax returns, (I think he gave me the missing one to shred…oops!)  He called me and said he was missing the government copy of the largest tax return we printed today (yeah, the one we printed twice).  “I don’t think I got out the door with it today”.  I’m thinking you’re lucky you got out the door without me handing you your head and ass to you on a silver platter.

Nuts don't fall far from the tree (or the bush in this case)

Ok, I know I bitch about C2 a LOT, and when I say a LOT, I mean, a LOT. But damn it all, he gives me plenty of reason to. I mean, really, he does.

Tate wants to join a special choir her school has for 4th and 5th graders. Newt wants to join the Girl Scouts. I am a firm believer that my children should participate in any extracurricular activities they want to, provided their grades do not suffer because of it. I think it’s good for them on so many different levels.

I was informed by the girls last night that their father has already decreed that Newt can not join the Girl Scouts, and we all know that Tate does not have his blessing to join the choir (she’s going to audition anyway…I’ll fight that battle for her).

So, let’s just get this smack down started. I decide to call him and issue the first throw-down. “So, why exactly isn’t Newt allowed to join the Girl Scouts and Tate isn't allowed to join the choir?”

Uh, because you didn’t ask my permission first.

Uh, check again, Bud, I don’t need your permission to give my permission.

What if they have a meeting, or a performance, or a rehearsal on a night I have them?

OMG! You might actually have to step up and be a parent for once. You know, this isn’t about you, it’s about them. These are important to the girls. I know that means very little to you. I mean, it’s not like any of this will interfere with your life. Oh, wait, you don’t have a life, you don’t even have a job.

At that point I got the standard “Fuck you” response, which I have learned over the years, translates into “You’re right, and I have no argument for that. I can’t win.”

Can you believe this load of crap? What if they have a meeting on a night I have them? Oh my God! Is it really so impossible for him to stand up and be a parent for once? Is it really such a stretch for him to realize that for once something may not actually be about him, but might actually be about the girls? I mean, really, what is he actually doing that is more important than the girls? He’s doing some recliner time, channel surfing, and web surfing, but I know him, he’s not doing a damn thing that’s productive. He’s not working, that’s for sure.

Then there is his mother. Yes, this is kind of off topic, but it just goes to show what fucked up sense of self this whole entire family has. This woman wants to control the fucking universe. Yeah, good luck with that; you can’t even control your sons. (More on that in a minute).

It seems that a few years ago, (like when she was still married) the accounting firm that I work for now, used to be their accountants (and by ‘their’ I mean C2’s parents). I knew that at the time, it was no big deal to me. Personally, other people’s finances are of no concern to me. Period. I don’t care if you make $1 an hour or $1000 an hour. Bank balances, pay checks, net worth, none of it matters to me unless it’s mine. Period. I couldn’t care less. Well, apparently, she’s got her panties (and I use that term loosely because that implies they are small. Hers I’m sure, are not) all in a wad.

Apparently, she’s terribly upset that I have access to her tax returns from a few years prior. Ok, I guess I can understand that, but really, what am I going to do with that information? What good is it going to do me? Do I really care how much money they made, how much they owed on their taxes? I couldn’t give a flying rat’s ass about any of that shit. I can hardly be bothered to give a shit about her, let alone her financial situation.

But, ok, I have access to her personal tax returns from 3 years ago. Big hairy deal. Her pedophile son has access to my daughters every stinking freaking week and every other damn freakin’ weekend. I’m thinking I have a bigger beef with the current situation than she does. I mean really, get the Frack over it already beyotch.

Now, do you see why she has an over inflated sense of self? She honestly believes I give a shit about her. And you know, for someone who claims they value privacy so god damn much, she sure does spend a hell of a lot of time and energy poking her nose into my personal freakin' business. What about my fracking privacy? Oh, wait, I’m not nearly as important as she is in the grand scheme of the universe, and therefore my privacy is trivial at best.

Ok, so, in summary, let me just say that there really isn’t a day or week that goes by that I don’t regret the fact that my daughters, beautiful and intelligent that they are, share DNA with these freaks of nature and society. It is one of my biggest regrets to date. On the plus side, I do have to say that my girls are smart enough and aware enough that they have kept their eyes and ears open, their mouths closed, learned a lot and formed their own opinions about the whole sordid bunch of them. Unfortunately, they are not yet old enough and courageous enough to go against the whole lot of them and refuse to see them, but I am sure that day looms somewhere on the horizon. When it arrives, it will be a banner day indeed.

September 11

Five years ago today, the world as we knew it changed forever, in a blink of an eye. Everything that we had held true about our country was all of a sudden cast in a shadow of doubt and uncertainty. The news was constant, even if there was nothing to report, the coverage was non stop. Too horrible to watch, and yet, unable to turn it off, we sat transfixed to our televisions, radios, whatever.

At the time my children were 8, 4 and 2 and I remember the day the towers fell, rushing to get the kids from day care, and rushing home to turn on the television. I had listened to the news all day, but I needed to see it, experience it. And I sat there with my babies, and made them watch it too. As horrible as it was, and even though they were too young to understand, (weren’t we all, really?) I made them watch. I wanted them to know, and to remember, to always remember.

How do you explain ‘war’ and terrorism to children when you yourself don’t understand? How do you explain ‘thousands of people, including children dead’ when the kids barely comprehend what death is? And how do you answer “Why?” when your own mind and heart scream the same question?

My children now know war, even though the ugliness of it has not touched their lives directly. They know that Uncle S has been ‘over there fighting in a war’ but they don’t understand exactly what that means. Uncle S can’t tell them or explain it to them because he has seen things no human should ever have to see. Now, 5 years later, ‘The War in Iraq’ is a part of every nightly news cast, and has become common place for us. How do you get to the point where ‘war’ is common place?

I want my children to know, and understand and remember the horror, the fear, the unbelief, of that day so that they will never forget, and will make sure their children never forget. Today we remember 5 years ago, and the people who died that day. Our world has changed. We’ve learned to adapt to the changes. The towers are gone, the destruction and the debris and rubble are gone too. The memories are not. And I pray that they never will be.

Just around the corner

It's just around the corner. I have already seen a glimpse of it. I know it can't be too far away. And yet, I know from years past, it could be elusive and deceptive and run and hide. But I know it's coming. Have you felt it? Can you smell it?


Yep! Autumn is just around the corner. In fact, I have turned off my AC at home, and have my windows open, just a crack. I sleep at night with windows open, fan blowing and I know I am just a few feet shy of heaven.

I actually dug out a long sleeve sweater the other day and wore it to work. I loved it. I love the cool crispness in the air. I love the cool mornings, and warm afternoons. The kids are back in school and getting back into the routine of things.

I love that the oppressive heat and humidity has gone. I can breathe again. I love the look of the fog rolling down the river every morning. (hate driving through it, but love the look of it from a distance)

The days of summer are coming to an end. Autumn has always been about new beginnings, almost like a second 'New Year'. The kids get new shoes, new clothes, back to school with new back packs, and new school supplies. Time to catch up with friends they lost touch with over the summer and make new friends. It's a chance to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. Yes, I am a dork. I love nothing more than a brand new notebook with nothing in it, and a new pen. There is just so many possibilities waiting, promises or hopes and dreams of the next American novel, or at least a teenage diary filled with tears and laughter.

Soon, the leaves will turn, and the kids will start thinking about Halloween. Pools are closed now, swimsuits are put away, never to be worn again. Kids come home from a bike ride with rosey cheeks. Sweaters and sweatshirts worn with shorts, nothing could be sweeter.

I have seen hints of it, I can smell it in the air, I can feel it, waiting, calling, just around the corner.

Just a thought

The following is a text conversation I had with the girls' dad last night.

C2: Back in town yet? (he was going to try and stop me from taking the girls to see their grandfather because he lives in Ohio and that's out of state. More control issues)
Me: Got a job yet?
C2: Nope!
Me: Figures
C2: Yup!
Me: Gonna bother to get one?
C2: Maybe. It's none of your business what I do or don't do.
Me: Not about me, it's about child support for the girls
C2: You just take care of OUR girls

Oh believe me, I do take care of the girls. Way better than you do. You know, sometimes people just don't have a clue. Period. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of exploring the possibility of taking him out of the loop entirely. Just a thought

The love I want

I’ve said it before, and I know that I will say it again, (and again), but I have to be in love with the most wonderful man in the world.

I went to Ohio this weekend to see my father and his wife. This was an important trip for us (me and dad) because we’ve only been on speaking terms again for 2 years, after 10 years of no contact at all. (Long story, another post altogether).

I was kind of dreading the 8+ hour drive that it would take for me and the kids to get there. That’s a long time to be in a vehicle, alone with 3 kids. But I promised them and promised myself we would not push the issue, and stop whenever needed. No point in making the trip uncomfortable, even if it meant being on the road an hour or so longer. (It did)

It took less than 24 hours for me to discover and admit that this trip wasn’t going to be all that I hoped it would be and that I really didn’t want to be there any longer. My father and I have had a rough relationship, to say the very least, all my life. He just is incapable of giving me the love and affection and acceptance that I need and want from him. Oh, don’t get me wrong, he does the best he knows how to do, it’s just not what I need.

I tried to share my photography with him, he wasn’t interested (completely ignored it, walked away when I tried to show him some pics from a recent photo shoot, and showed absolutely ZERO interest in the pictures I did take this weekend). I tried to tell him about Batman, and how much he means to me, and dad just zoned out or changed the subject. There were more meals eaten together where he never said a single solitary word to anyone at the table, even when we spoke directly to him and tried to draw him into the conversations. The one night we actually were there for a while, we (his wife and I) played Chinese Checkers with my kids, while my father sat on the sofa beside us and watched football. Once again, he was in the same house with his family and had still managed to isolate himself from us.

At that point I realized nothing much had changed at all. He still was not the father I had hoped he could be. He still showed complete and total disinterest in me and my children. I knew that I didn’t want to be there any longer. And I called Batman, in tears.

From 3 states and a time zone away, Batman was there for me. Reaching across the miles, through the phone and held me while I cried, and comforted me. He listened while I talked without trying to solve a problem that had no solution, or trying to fix something that is irrevocably broken. He just listened. And then, said simply, “Come home. Leave early, come home, and stay here. You know that you’re wanted and welcome here and I won’t turn you away. Come home.”

Two simple words, “Come home” was enough. My mind was racing, trying to find a way to gracefully leave earlier than planned, and my heart was crying out to go home, to the man I love. Tears fell like rain. Once again I was the daughter who was going to disappoint my father. But as the adult that I am now, I realized I would never have his approval, everything would meet with disappointment, so what I needed to do was make sure I was happy and the kids were too. Staying there was not making me happy. Nothing would have changed if we had stayed longer.

Batman knew and understood why this trip was important to begin with. He knew and understood why the importance changed in the course of the visit. He knew that I needed to go and mend fences, bridge gaps, heal old wounds. He knew that once I was there I discovered that not all fences will be mended, some gaps are too big to be bridged and some wounds leave ugly scars that never go away and never heal the way they should or the way we want them to.

I know now that my father will never be the dad I want him to be. We will never have a warm and fuzzy relationship. We will never be close and he will probably never understand me or even really know me. I have learned that I can accept all of that and that trying to get anything else out of him or out of our relationship is pointless, because it’s just not there. I know now that my relationship with my father (strained and fleeting that it is) will not define me. I have to accept it for what it is, and for everything that it’s not. His feelings towards me or the way he chooses to express them (or not) does not define me as a person. I have found my own way now, my own definition. I know who and what I am regardless of his thoughts and feelings towards me.

Driving back from Ohio, my heart called out to be home. The joy and love that I felt at the thought of being with Batman and his family again was so overwhelming at times I couldn’t breathe. I left Ohio, empty and sad and gray, almost hollow. The closer I got to Home, the more alive and colorful and vibrant and full of love and laughter I felt.

Pulling into his driveway, his daughter, Princess ran to the van and was there when I opened my door, waiting with open arms and a smile that filled my heart with pure joy. Then I stepped out of the van and into the arms of my man and I knew I was home. I knew I was loved and accepted just the way I was. I knew I had found the man who would understand me, would love me, and could comfort me across miles and time differences.

I made important discoveries this weekend. I found out one man never will understand me or really know me, and the other already does.

Time is not always kind, especially to the beautiful people

Can I just say that sometimes I absolutely love Karma. Apparently Karma has been busy dishing out the good stuff lately. My sister is on the good side of Karma again. And I just saw the pictures from the high school reunion I didn’t attend last month. OMG! I so should have gone to that reunion.

In high school, I was the ‘new kid’. We moved to BFE when I was just starting 9th grade, so I was new just as our class was entering high school. These kids had a history, a past, a lifetime together, and I was the outsider. That truly was nothing new to me, I’d been changing schools all my life. But changing schools meant adjusting and acclimating to their style, clothes, talk, walk, habits, everything. That takes time. And when you’re 13/14 years old, you’re already a geek and being ‘different’ just made me stand out a little (LOT) more.

Sure I made friends, sure my clothes changed to their style, sure I learned their lingo, but I could never have the history with them that they had with each other. I would always be the outsider. Couple that with I was painfully shy, and incredibly insecure, and a total geek, nerd (Think Sarah Jessica Parker in Square Pegs and you get the idea) and you realize that I didn’t make a big impression on people in school. The beautiful people couldn’t be bothered to stop staring in the mirror long enough to notice me, and the popular people we always surrounded by their throngs of adoring fans. In fact, I am pretty sure when I graduated, most people wondered who I was.

Flash forward now 20 years. To some, (me) the years have been kind. To others, not so much. I still weigh, within 5 pounds, what I weighed in high school. The red poofy, frizzy hair has been replaced with tamer, calmer, bottle blonde. The Huge Owl-like glasses have gone by the wayside thanks to contacts. And thanks to some very hard life lessons and some therapy, the insecure wallflower has grown and blossomed into a beautiful confident, striking woman. Yeah, I could have gone to that reunion, no one would have known me. Not so much because they didn’t know me then, I am just a different person now.

The beautiful people have not aged gracefully. There is the cheerleader and the Prima Donna who have both doubled their weight and their chins. There is the Homecoming Queen who now looks a lot like Courtney Love on a good clean day. Then there is the Class Sweetheart (her, not him) who now just looks like a really bad country song personified.

I look at these pictures now and realize that Karma has a way of coming back around. They have lived their glory years, they’ve had their shinning moments, they’ve had the beauty and the ‘fame’ so to speak. But they had it all when they were too young to appreciate it. I may have been the ugly duckling wallflower in high school, but that’s ok. I have now, what they had (and I wanted) then. I’m older and wiser and appreciate it much more.

Two Conversations

These conversation actually took place at my mother’s home Tuesday evening, between my brother (US) and my son (TS).

TS: Hey US, guess what?
US: What?
TS: I’ve got a girlfriend, and she thinks I’m hot!
US: Really? Says who?
TS: Our friend K. She was telling J about me and she said I was hot. So K says she’s my girlfriend.
US: What does J look like?
TS: Don’t know. Haven’t seen her.

Later, after dinner, I’m trying to get the kids rounded up to get home. And this conversation takes place…

US: Hey, better get stuff gathered up, got to get going.
TS: Yeah, I know.
US: Got homework to do
TS: Nope, did it after school, before practice
US: OK, need to take a shower, get ready for school tomorrow to see your …uh, oh yeah, nope, not going to see your girlfriend.

I’m sorry to admit it but I was on the floor laughing my ass off! Yes, I know, it’s kind of picking on my oldest child, but that’s kind of what we do in our family. We pick at each other. Up until now, the kids have been pretty much off limits, but TS is almost 13, he’s getting old enough he should be able to take some ribbing. Especially from US. Besides, those conversations were just to stinkin’ hilarious! Oh to be 13 again. Not!

St Louis Mills, shopping plus!

Batman took me to this wonderful 'mall and then some' this weekend! OMG! St. Louis has grown so much since I left there, and because Batman lives and works there, he knows all the cool places, the new cool places, way better than I do. And hence, we went to the St. Louis Mills.

This place is heaven on Earth for those who love shopping malls, and I am one of those people. It has some amazing stores and shit in it. There is the usual mall shops, and then there is Cabela's, the Children's Palace Outlet, The Guess Factory Store, IceZone where the St. Louis Blues actually hold training and practice sessions. There is a Nascar Speedpark, a Saks Fifth Avenue, an Old Navy, a Reebok and a Nike Outlet, A Skechers USA, and Tommy Hilfiger company store. This place is utterly amazing and I had a blast cruising the mall with Batman.

For those of you who have kids, and know that it's no fun to cruise the mall with your kids, this place really is the bomb. They have a whole kids area set up. Playland, PBS Kids Neighborhood, complete with Big Bird, Elmo, Dora, Blue, the whole gang there, ready to entertain the kids. Later, on another weekend visit, when we have the kids, especially the girls, all 3 of them, Batman and I plan on taking them to the Mills to enjoy the fun activities and the great shopping there. 

I believe

What do you believe? That is a question posted on a blog I read with quite some regularity. It’s always a good question. Years ago there was a series of little books, “Life’s Little Instruction Book” and whatnot. Those books got me thinking and my sister and I started a list of things we believed. I still have that list somewhere. I hope to someday have it printed and bound for her.

So when I saw this question posed yet again on LBB’s blog, I thought I would put a shortened, but updated version of my list on my blog, and invite friends/family/strangers alike to add to my list with what they believe.

I believe that better than I’ve ever had does not necessarily fill the void of all that I deserve.

I believe that I have found all that I ever dreamed of, because I found myself first.

I believe that that in no way guarantees tomorrow or a lifetime.

I believe that just because something is possible, does not make it probable.

I believe our children are our future, and it is up to us to make sure they have one.

I believe you can love someone, but not enough to make them love you

I believe that you don’t always end up with your soul mate.

I believe you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you.

I believe that true love takes work and commitments from both people.

I believe that the beautiful people are not the best lovers. They believe looks make up for so much. (I am not one of the beautiful people)

I believe that I have taken crap off of too many people for far too long. I’m tired of living the life of a mushroom.

I believe that my divorce papers have legally given me my life back to live as I please. I also believe that my ex husband has not figured this truth out yet.

I believe we will never know the full truth behind the Kennedy assassination. I also believe it doesn’t matter at this point, he’s dead. The truth will not bring him back to life.

I believe that the planet is warming, and if we humans truly believe that we alone are solely responsible for this fact of nature, we have an over inflated idea of our importance in the universe.

I believe the truth, no matter how painful, is better than a lie, or not knowing.

I believe that we should love our children for who they are, not for who we want them to be.

I believe that at the end of the day, our kids will love us for what we do with them, not for what we can buy for them.

I believe that some money costs too much. I believe I could be making more money than I am right now, and thereby live more comfortably, but that in order to do that I would have to work harder and longer and be less happy and spend less time with my kids. I don’t believe that is an equal trade-off.

I believe that if the man you love has children, you had better love them too. They are a package deal, you can’t have one without the other. If you can’t love the kids, you don’t love him.

I believe that I spent way too much time and energy trying to be what I thought other people thought I should be instead of just being myself.

I believe that I am beautiful when he looks at me.

What do you believe?

My vision is clearing more and more every day

I’ve been getting several IM messages from Boo lately, especially since he found out about Batman. I’ve been honest, and told him Batman is a pretty serious deal to me. I didn’t want to lie about it.

Of course, Boo has been trying to change my mind, or at least get me to agree to a little som’em, som’em on the side, which of course, screams out exactly what he thinks of me. I won’t give in. I’m in love with Batman, and well, I’m not in love with Boo.

So today I get a message from Boo “I’m sorry, but since we had sex for a long time I don't think it's healthy to keep in touch, so we won't hurt each other.” (we had sex while we were dating 5 months, but that ended months ago) Ok, I can respect that. I think he was fishing, hoping I’d beg him to change his mind, but I don’t disagree with him. I think he wants me to choose him over Batman, and frankly, I can’t and I won’t. He’s basically telling me, “If you’re going to be with him, we can’t be friends.” Well, fine, if you have to issue that ultimatum, then you’re not a real friend and I don’t want you or need you in my life.

It has become more painfully obvious as of late, that Boo wasn’t all that I thought he was. He really sucks the life out of a person. He is high drama, and a lot of work. I know that at one time I thought, even hoped and prayed our relationship was more than it really was. I see now exactly what it was, a drain. He still wants me to give and give, and he would give nothing back.

Hindsight is 20/20 and my vision has been clearing considerably since we ended things. Once I was able to let go, really let go, I’ve been able to see how needy, and controlling and manipulative he is. He just went about it in a different way.

I’m proud of myself for walking away, and not being tempted to go back. I don’t care than he’s finally found a way to say “I love you”. He can say the words, but he never means them. He uses them as a means to an end. This time, they’re not working. I know better what love is, and what we had wasn’t love, not even close.

I am still learning life’s lessons in love, but I’m learning them faster and with more certainty. I’m applying what I’ve learned and I’m making better choices. I’m starting to get a real clue here. I don’t cling to wrong in a desperate attempt to be alone. I let it go.

I have found something wonderful. I don’t want to mess it up. It’s too damn important to me. I just have no need, reason, or desire to be with anyone else, even just to hang out. No more lunches, no more beers, no more races. All of those things are saved for Batman now.

Isn't it funny...

Isn’t it funny the way things work? Irony at it’s best sometimes.

I have had knuckleheads in my life in the past. I know now they weren’t serious, they were so much less than I deserved, and could never amount to all that I hoped and wished and dreamed they would. Since my divorce, there have been 3 semi-serious, ok not serious, ‘relationships’ I’ve been a part of. Not serious, not relationships, there have been 3 guys who have been in and out of my life off and on for the past 2 years.

Apparently, karma has sent out a message, or the universe has sent out some vibes, or my falling in love has sent shock waves through the hearts of the knuckleheads, I don’t know. I do know that ever since finding Batman, the knuckleheads seem to be crawling out of the woodwork.

Friday, on my way to Batman’s house, Boo calls. Says he’s just calling to see how I’m doing, how life is treating me, just checking in. I drop the ‘Bat Bomb’ on him and tell him that life is wonderful, that I’ve met someone, who is everything I ever dreamed of, and that I’m incredibly happy with him. While Boo claims to be happy for me, and wish me the very best, he still spends 20 minutes trying to convince me that I’m not really in love with this guy and that we can continue to hang out. Wrong. I’m not buying it, I’m not giving in. He even went so far as to say “But I love you Boo”. I’m sorry Hondo, that’s a little too little, a whole lot too late.

Even now, 5 days later, I still get messages from him, telling me how much he misses me, how he really wishes things would have worked out for us. Uh, Hello? You were the one who bailed idiot. You were the one with issues, and the one who decided you didn’t want a relationship, who decided you could never love anyone but your beloved JC and now, she’s someone else’s wife. But I digress. The point is, now that I’m no longer out there, no longer available, now he steps up to the plate and offers me what I wanted. I just don’t want it from him. I know that if I were to call him and tell him things didn’t work out with Batman, Hondo wouldn’t be there.

Now, last night, I’m on the Bat Phone with Batman, when I hear a knock at my door. It’s freakin’ 9:30. When someone knocks on my door at 9:30, it’s never good. I opened the door to find Young Knucklehead standing there. So, I tell Batman I’ll have to call him back, and before I hang up, I tell him “I love you”, which is knucklehead’s first clue it’s bad timing.

I don’t want to screw this up with Batman, so I’m honest, to a fault with Knucklehead. I tell him I’ve met someone, it has great potential to be something serious and I’m not going to screw it up. To his credit, he didn’t push the issue. He was disappointed, but also glad that I was finally doing something good for me and the kids and that I’d found someone who I could be happy with.

After Knucklehead left (he only stayed about 10 minutes) I called Batman back, because I wanted to be honest with him too. I told him a knucklehead had crawled out of the woodwork, but that I had told him about him and sent him on his way.

All of the knucklehead’s know now. That is just another indication to me that this is right and meant to be. I don’t want anyone else, ever. I don’t need/want to have anyone hanging on the sidelines. It was important to me to tell them, and cut things off with them. I’m completely committed to Batman, I love him, and I want to do this right, completely right.

Go Check it out for a little fun!

Found a new fun place to hang out. It's not for people who don't have a lot of time, you have to be patient sometimes, but it's fun none the less. Here you can give as well as receive, so go check out

OCEANGRAM

A follow up to something I would never have believed

As some of you may remember, if you read this blog with any sort of regularity, a couple of months ago, something happened that threw me for a loop. At the time things were still up in the air, nothing was certain, and I didn’t have the full story, or all of the facts.

In fact, it all seemed so unbelievable, and implausible, that maybe, just maybe it was being blown completely out of proportion and nothing would come of it at all.

I was wrong. (and I’m glad I was) I checked out our state’s Court’s Administrator website, and found out that on July 11, 2006, charges were indeed filed by the state against X. They have charged him with 2 misdemeanors, sexual misconduct in the 1st degree, and assault in the 3rd degree. His next court date will be in September.

I am tempted, more by curiosity than anything, to go to the hearing to see what the evidence is against him, and what his defense is. I could claim I’m there to get all the facts to make an informed decision in regards to his contact with my daughters. Although, really, it’s kind of late to be gathering information about this and trying to make a decision in regards to my daughters now. I’ve known about this since June, the incident happened in April.

I’m glad this didn’t just ‘go away’ that something is being done, charges have been filed and he will be held accountable for what he’s done. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll get it this time, (unlike his brother who never seems to get it).

Hope....a waste of time?

I will be the first to admit that I’ve done some pretty bone head things in my time. I’ve also been a little slow on the uptake a time or two, and taken the long hard way about learning some of life’s lessons. I usually do eventually learn the lesson. A light will eventually go on, I’ll have an a-ha moment and I’ll get it.

Having said all of that, I feel that I can say with quite a bit of confidence; there are just some people out there who just never seem to get it. Case in point, my ex-husband C2, who managed to get himself fired yet again, on Friday. Of course, that’s not the amazing part of this little story, what is amazing is that he actually had this job for close to a year, which is almost a record for him. No, not the shortest, sadly, it’s closer to the longest he’s held a job.

The surprising part of this story is he swears he never saw it coming. Hello, I did, from a mile away. It’s hard to hold on to a job you don’t bother to show up for. If you’re scheduled to work 40 hours a week, that does not mean that 30 are mandatory and 10 are optional. Nope, 40 hours are required. And, while you’re there those 40 hours, you pretty much have a job to do, all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly, the unpleasant, the difficult, the easy, the fun, all of it. You don’t get to pick and chose the work you will or won’t do. Believe me, you’re not that special, and you’re not that good at anything. Nobody would consider themselves lucky to have you working for them. Mainly because you don’t work for them, you’re just on their payroll.

So, he calls me Friday to let me know there will be no more child support payments mailed in from his employer because they are no longer his employer. He of course, laid all the blame squarely at their feet, even though I know where the blame really lies. Then, he asks me “Do you know where the unemployment office is?” My response; ‘Aren’t you on a first name basis with most of the people out there? Did they move in the last nine months? I’m sure they’ve been waiting for you to make your semi-annual appearance.’ He failed to see the humor in that. I fail to see the humor in his lack of employment. He’s pulled this so many times at so many different places; he really is running out of places he can get a job. His reputation in the field of his ‘expertise’ precedes him and makes it hard for him to find a job. He, has, of course, called in every favor owed him in the past, and now has quite literally hung himself, and me.

Now, every once in a while, the system will work in my favor. Turns out, that when he files for unemployment, and if the system sees fit to pay him unemployment (wouldn’t that be just right up his alley…a paycheck without having to show up at a job and pretend to work) I can contact child support enforcement and garnish his unemployment check so that I continue to get the money he owes me. And when he sees his lack of funds, then he just might be a little more motivated to get a job, or a little less picky about the ones he turns down. Of course, that’s a HUGE maybe.

I keep hoping he’ll grow up. Or that someone will toss him a quarter, so he can buy himself a clue. I hope a light will go on somewhere down the line, and he’ll get it. I doubt it, but I’ll continue to hope. I mean, after all, I eventually woke up, got a clue, figured it out, learned the lesson. Maybe he can too.

Yeah, when pigs fly.

Meet 'Batman'

Meet Batman. Not the name I'm sticking with, that's for sure. Just the one he has for now. We've been spending a lot of time on the phone, because he has to drive 70 miles to work each day. So, to avoid huge cell phone bills, he just added me to his plan, got me a phone, which he immediately dubbed 'The Bat Phone' and there ya have it. But really, how sweet is that, that he just without question, added me to his plan, got me a phone, and now we don't have huge bills to pay, and we can talk all day?

I got an IM from him the other day.."I just got you a present. It's one of those things that you see and say got to buy it for her." Now, tell me, really, how sweet is that? Turns out he got me a Kasey Kahne ball cap. For those of you not in the know, Kasey Kahne is a NASCAR driver, #9, drives for Dodge.

Ok, on a serious note, there is just something about this guy that does it for me. I have had more than my share of conversations with my sister about how I manage to screw up my personal life, my love life, I'm my own worst enemy. I have even asked her 'How do you know, what exactly is good enough.' And she told me, "When it's everything you've ever dreamed of." And I think maybe he is.

With everyone else in the past, there have always been issues, something that was off, something that rubbed me wrong, didn't sit right, kept things from being good, let alone perfect. I was always wondering, guessing, doubting, weighing and measuring words and actions. I was always looking for hidden meanings behind words and actions. With Batman, there is none of that. I knew the moment I fell in love with him, and I knew the moment he fell in love with me. I don't question it, I just accept it. He gets me. There have been so many things said and done along the way that just reconfirms to me that he's the man I was born to be with.

I took pictures of his son (Scooter) at the motor cross race last weekend. I was scared to death that they wouldn't turn out. When I saw the digital pictures, and saw how amazing they were, I almost cried, I was just blown away that I had done that. He knew. When I dropped off the 2 rolls of film I shot that weekend I was scared to death they wouldn't turn out (I'm still learning about film) and when we got them back, and I saw they were nearly perfect, I was speachless, and he knew.

I wrote him a letter before I left, he happened to see me writing and told me, 'I didn't mean to interupt, go ahead, keep writing in your journal.' For those of you who know my history, you know how huge that is for me. He told me in the pool last week, 'You can't have a strong WE unless there is a strong YOU and a strong ME.' He's been to therapy after his divorce, he not only listened, he learned, he got something out of it.

I can't put my finger on it, there is nothing that says "This is why", but I knew, in an instant, knew beyond all reason, beyond all doubt, that I would love this man, and that he would love me and that he was the man I was meant to find. He is everything I ever dreamed of.

I wrote him a letter.... "I fell in love with this weekend, and it had nothing to do with my camera. A week, 10 days, doesn't matter. You asked me before, and I wasn't sure then, I am now. I understand if you're not there yet, you'll tell me when/if you get there, but I am, and I know now, more sure than I've known anything else in my life...I love you. I used to wonder how I would know when it was right, when I had found someone who was good enough for me and I was good enough for. My sister said “You’ll know, because it will be everything you’ve ever dreamed of.” And she was right, because I’ve found everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I’ve found you. The things we regret the most in life are the things not done. I don’t ever want to regret not telling you how I feel. I love you. Plain and simple, with everything that I am, I love you.” He cried when he read it, and he kept it. He gets it.

I leave tonight, right after work, the kids and I are going to spend the weekend with him and his kids. They have a go-cart, they have a pool, they have horses, the kids will have so much fun. The girls are excited about meeting his daughter, cute little 3 year old Princess. Bo already thinks Scooter is cool because he races dirt bikes.

It's home. That's what it feels like with him. The broken road I've traveled has lead me straight to him.

I'm sorry....

I'm sorry! I know, I've been terrible about posting here. I used to be like clockwork, but now, not so much. So I thought I'd take a few minutes before my weekend (and since the boss is out of the office all day) to catch you all up on the goings on (is that right?) in my life.

I got my new camera and can I just say that I LOVE IT!!! I took it to Troy last weekend and took some awesome pictures at a motor cross race. Truly amazing. Of course, I chickened out and shot completely in AUTO b/c I didn't want to miss anything. (I've been trying to post pictures for a week now, damn blogger won't let me! *@#$^#)

I guess I should put this here, although I know the response I will get. I am seeing someone new. This is not another "Here we go again" kind of thing. It was his son I was shooting at the Motor cross. (Yes, the ex wife was there as well. I love her! She's great and we hit it off immediately!) He's a wonderful man. And for the first time in probably all of my life, he is my age. He has 2 kids, and was married for 18 years. I don't need to air their dirty laundry here, as it's his history, not mine to share. Just suffice it to say, this is completely different than any other relationship I've ever been in. There is no questions, no doubts, no second guessing, no weighing and measuring, no looking for hidden meanings. It is just what it is, and I accept it for what it is.

The kids are registered for school now, and have all met their teachers. Bo will be going out for football this year. I told him last year if he made the grades he could try out this year. The little snot made A's and B's last year, so here we are trying out for football. I hope he makes the team, it would be wonderful for him. The girls both have new teachers this year, new to the school as well as to them. I met both of them last night, and truly like them both. I'm thinking the girls will have a great year this year.

Got a phone call from C2 today, and apparently he's managed to get himself fired from yet another job. I only hope and pray it doesn't take 6 months to find another one. It's kind of hard to keep a job when you fail to show up for work every day. I am sure that in the 6 months he's been there, he has never worked a full 40 hour week. Yet again, another reminder of why I am no longer with this loser.

I'm trying to think if there is anything new in my life that may or may not interest you. I will post something later about the new guy. Kind of a funny story, several actually, about him, how we met, and the connection we have. But that's another post altogether.

It's here! It's Finally Here!

My baby arrived today. Signed for at 9:34 this morning by my son. I have been anxiously awaiting it's arrival and now, my baby's here.

My Nikon D70 got here this morning. I have dreamed of this camera, drooled over this camera. And now, I own this camera.

Yes, it's digital, and yes it will help me learn certain concepts so much quicker because I will get to see the results immediately. But, while I have lusted after, drooled over, and dreamed of this baby, my first true love is my Minolta which is film.

In fact, I just turned a really big corner with my film camera last week. My pictures has always been really grainy with my film, and I wondered if it was just film or if it was something I was doing wrong. Turns out I had to learn a thing or two about exposure and ISO. But I got a better grip on it, at least for 1 roll of fim.

I shot these pictures a couple of weeks ago, so I don't remember the settings exactly, except the film was 800 but I set the ISO on my camera to 640 and there is very little grain to them. Check these out...

I still have so much to learn, and this is just another step in the journey, in the process. But it's huge! I never dreamed I'd be here, that I'd own this. Thanks M. I owe you so much! Thank you for your help, your advice, your gifts, your belief in me, and for everything you've done with every step I've taken on this journey of mine.

Kuddos! Huge Kuddos!!!

Kuddos go out to the lifeguard team at Memorial Pool here in town. Yesterday, I took the kids to the pool for the afternoon to swim. It was pretty crowded, and with the Special Olympics in town, it was really crowded, but not unbearable.

The kids were swimming when the lifeguards blew their whisltes and told everyone "Out of the pool. Everyone out now!" That is completely and totally unusual for them. 10 seconds, kid you not, the pools, all 3 of them, were completely empty, except for the young guy the lifegards were pulling out of the water. They cleared out the pools and immediatly the entire team was responding to the guy in trouble.

They pulled the guy out of the water on a body board and started doing CPR on him. Not just mouth-to-mouth, but CPR, compressions on the chest, full-blown CPR. The fire department, the police and the ambulance and EMT's responded. After working on him for 5 or 10 minutes we could see that he was alive and moving and apparently throwing up.

They took him out on a gurney, strapped to a body board with a neck brace. I'm sure a lot of that was normal procedures. The entire pool population watched and waited, and applauded when he left.

Yes, it was scary, and yes the thought crosses your mind, that could have been anyone, including my kids. But in the midst of the drama, there was a sense of awe in watching the lifegard team work together and save a guy's life. You could tell they were well trainied because there was no questioning or second guessing anything... they just jumped in and did their job. Now, if you know public pools and lifeguards, you know that they don't look older than high school/college age kids. And yet, they saved a guys life yesterday.

While you hope to never have to see them in action, it was reassuring to know that they could and would jump into a situation, take charge and save a life.

Kuddo's guys to a job well done!!! We can not say thank you enough.

The Olsen Twins...Part II

Tell me that Jessica and Ashley Simpson don't look like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

6 Bullets No bodies

• I got my hands on a scanner yesterday. We had a couple of old ones here at work that were being ‘tossed out’ and I snagged one. The really cool part? It comes with an attachment that scans negatives! I’ll be able to scan my pictures into my computer from the negatives instead of a CD.

• I found out last night from a Knucklehead that apparently last year right around the time I had my break down, there were people out there who were in my life who seriously thought I was on cocaine or meth. WOW. I knew I was sick, and I knew that I had some serious issues, but I didn’t know people actually believed I was on serious drugs.

• My photography has actually started to take off a little. In the past week or so, I’ve showed a few people some of the pictures I’ve taken of my girls and after looking at those they have said they would consider having me do a photo shoot of them sometime. I’m actually kind of excited about this!

• Talking to Knucklehead 2, he said “I just want you to find someone you can be happy with all the time.”
  I answered him, “I already have.”
  He looked at me kind of funny.
  So, I explained, “I have found someone I’m happy with all the time. Me. I’m happy with me now. All of the time.” And that is the truth, and it felt good to say that, and mean it.

• Can I just say I’m tired of picking up my girls after a weekend at their dad’s only to have them spend the first hour they are home bitching about how awful their weekend was because they had problems with their dad’s girlfriend? How is it that they can be so miserable and unhappy and he just can’t see it and doesn’t care? And when I try to tell him about it he doesn’t believe me, and he then interrogates the girls to the point they are afraid to tell him anything.

• I’ve been told that the 15 pounds I’ve gained in the past year are a good thing. I have a hard time thinking of them that way though. I’ve been told I look great, and healthy. I know they are right. I can’t seem to love those extra pounds just yet. Even so, I’m not trying to get rid of them either.

Too Funny for words...

This is Leonid the Magnificent. He was a contestant on America's got Talent. Don't ask me what his talent was..Oh yeah, he balanced swords (insert your own joke here). Anyway, watching this one night with the kids we're all kind of laughing. Mr Wonderful's son was watching..and he looked at us and said "Dude! Is that guy wearing pink lipstick? Gross!"

Uh, yeah, you're looking at this guy and you can't get past the lipstick?

My Birthday Present

I have the coolest brother and sister-in-law ever! For my birthday they got me a die-cast model of Kenny Schrader's #21 Air Force Ford. But what makes it really cool? It's autographed!

He showed up unarmed again!

Can I just start this post off by saying I love the fact that my ex husband, C2 is a complete and totally idiot? I love when we have a meeting of the minds because he always shows up completely unarmed.

First of all, our regular babysitter takes the week of July 4th off, every year. No surprise. We had to find a sitter for the girls. Again, no problem, no surprise. I was actually off work the days that I had the girls so I just kept them home with me. The days he had the girls, well, he was responsible for finding a sitter. He asked his neighbors, who happen to be his friends to watch the girls. Again, no surprise, no problem. That is until the end of the week. I had asked Mel if I needed to pay her for watching the kids. Her answer was an unequivocal “NO”. I pressed the issue, she insisted that I owed her nothing. 2 days later I get a call from C2 saying E is expecting $20/day for the girls. I tell him my conversation with Mel led me to believe I didn’t owe them a dime. If E wants $20/day I suggest C2 pay him. Then I check the parenting plan in our divorce…. “If the FATHER elects to obtain childcare from a childcare provider other than the provider used by MOTHER during his periods of custody, FATHER shall pay expenses for the childcare costs he incurs.” Guess what? He has to pay them the $20/day. Not me. End of discussion.

So, now, I’m thinking of taking the kids to see my dad out of state over Labor Day weekend. It’s my holiday weekend, and it’s the only time we can get away to go. I happened to tell this to C2 this weekend. He totally blew a gasket, said “Oh hell no you’re not taking them anywhere out of state.” Well, guess what. I can and I am. “You need my permission to do that and I’m not giving you my permission.” Oh, well, that’s where you’re wrong. I don’t need your permission. Check the parenting plan. It states “…If either party travels out of town for any extended periods of time (ten days or more), then such person shall notify the other of his or her destination, basic itinerary, and provide a telephone number where he or she may be reached for emergency purposes.” OK, nowhere does it say I need his permission. In fact, I didn’t even have to tell him about this little trip, because it’s only going to be 4 days long which is less than 10. So, sounds to me like we’ll be going to visit my father without any interference from C2. (yeah, right, like I believe that).

I love it when he still tries to control my life and fails so miserably. It just reinforces to me that I did the right thing by leaving. If he’s trying to control my life after our divorce can you imagine how controlling he was while we were married? I love it when I’m right and there’s nothing he can do to stop me, and I’m well within my rights to do what it is I’m doing. I love it when he tries to stop me and ends up looking the fool. Of course, I hate that I still have to continually deal with him being a totally and complete asshole, but I’m getting used to it. I’ve only been doing it for 11 years now. That’s nothing new.

Oh S*#T!!!!

If you've been waking up every morning single and unattached, today you will be confronted with issues involving commitment. Indeed, events today could change your whole life, dear Cancer. If nothing else, you know that it's time to make necessary changes, and you are ready to put a plan into action. Sure, it's a bit scary, but you need this balance in your life. (My horoscope for today)

"If you’re waking up every single morning single and unattached, today you will be confronted with issues involving commitment"….you know what that means? Newt has finally figured out a way to get that damn baby elephant she swears she needs to make her life perfect and complete.

Good thoughts, prayers, please

Good thoughts and many prayers go out today to Boo, and his team of doctors. At 8:00 this morning Boo went in for surgery on his nose. Turns out he has a deviated septum.

I’ve had nose surgery before. It’s painful and ugly and takes a long time to heal. He will come out of surgery very bruised and swollen, and unable to be alone for 48 hours or longer. Monday he goes back to have the stitches removed, and then it’s two weeks of recovery for him.

So send up good wishes, and send along good vibes to Boo, and to his surgeon. We want everything to go smoothly and as planned.


ETA 3:15 PM. ~ Just got a text message, short and to the point, "I'm OK". But it was enough, it let me know that he was out of surgery, out of the hospital and home at his brother's. I know he's in a lot of pain and will sleep the rest of the day, and probably tomorrow too, and swollen too. But he's ok, and he cared enough to let me know that.

I'm glad I'm back, I didn't realize I was gone

Unleash yourself from all outside pressures; just focus on your own passions. Ideas just flow from you. The stars want you to make sure that those good intentions bear fruit, so apply all that creativity and knowledge and get something down on paper (or in clay, or in paint -- whatever it takes). You're too focused on the present for once. Look into your crystal ball and see what's likely to come up ahead. Then start preparing to deal with it before it gets out of control. Your passions and personal interests are part of who you are -- and part of what makes you special to other people. There's nothing wrong with setting aside time to fulfill your own interest. It's not selfish; it's healthy. Unburden yourself of all outside pressures today ... that may mean rescheduling an appointment or taking a rain check on that dinner date. Don't feel bad about putting yourself first. It's all part of staying healthy -- and being a better friend or partner.

That is my horoscope for today. It’s actually kind of fitting. I picked up the camera last night, for the first time in 2 weeks. I had neglected my passion; I had shut that part of me off. I was unhappier than I knew, and the first thing to suffer was my passion, the one thing that feeds my soul.

So last night, I picked up the camera and took the girls outside to shoot some pictures. We shot a whole roll in about 15 minutes, so I’m not sure the quality will be any good, but I felt alive again. I created, I saw beauty, I saw character, I saw joy, laughter, and love in the faces of my daughters and I can only hope I was able to capture it all on film. It fed my soul again.

I didn’t consciously neglect my photography. Before, when I was unhappy, I starved my body in an attempt to control something in my life. This time, I starved my soul, gave up, and neglected the one thing that gave me great pleasure and joy.

It was good to be behind the camera again. In fact, my brother and sister-in-law will be in town this week, and we’re having a family dinner with them. You can bet I’m taking my camera with me, capturing the fun and laughter and love of our family. I’m not being selfish, I’m just feeding my soul, finding my bliss, my happiness, my balance, my passion, myself.

It’s good to be back. I just didn’t realize I was gone.

Things I didn't know

Apparently, we are in need of a baby elephant. Newt has declared that her life will not be perfect or complete until she has a baby elephant. When asked where she plans on housing this baby elephant, she told me..

We'll keep him at Grandma and Grandpa J's. They have a big yard and the lake, and Grandpa needs someone to keep him company.

There you have it. Her life problems solved.

The last word on Mr.Wonderful

Ok, I’m done thinking about it. He walked out the door Friday night and never looked back and has refused to speak a single word beyond ‘Goodbye’. He has not uttered a single word. Turned his back, walked away and shut the door. The End.

I don’t know what, if anything, I expected him to say. He said “Before we end up hating each other, I’m walking away.” Well, I guess for him it was too late. I don’t know. I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting.

The girls were ok with it for the most part. Megan was listening to a CD this weekend that the girls (all 3 of them) used to listen and dance to and it brought on tears. I think they are more hurt over the thought of losing their friends than anything. It breaks my heart to see my girls in pain over losing friends. It hurts too to think about how hurt his kids will be when they are told what happened.

The irony is, even though I wanted this, I was still miffed that he ended it. He sat there and told me he always worked, and worked hard, for what he wanted, and he wanted us. And then the next day, he walked away, turned his back and shut me out completely. It only hurt for a minute, and then I moved on. Occasionally this weekend, I would remember something he said or did, and it would make me stop. I even shed a couple of tears, but nothing dramatic. I threw away the roses, all the roses he gave me. I guess I need to throw away the birthday card too. (Although, I doubt I will. It’s the only thing I have as a reminder of the fact that he loved me once.) I have pictures (several rolls) from family get togethers with his family that I have to decide what to do with.

I hurt to think he was at G’ma W’s yesterday and had to tell the family what happened. I know (ok I hope) it was difficult for him, it was difficult for me, and I wasn’t there. We had such hopes for the future for us, and he just walked away from it all, without trying to see if there could be some way to compromise on our differences.

I’m not sure we could have reached a compromise, maybe we could have. Doesn’t matter now, we’ll never know. It is what it is, and it is over. That just means he wasn’t/isn’t The One, so there is someone else out there I’m supposed to meet still. I just have to find him, or allow him to find me.